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Tuesday, March 30, 2010

The decision is made, for today

I've always been one of the people that worry about what everyone else thinks about me. I've worried and stressed when people don't like me, or don't approve of something I've done. There have been times in my life I have changed myself to a very high degree, to be something someone else thought I should be. I'm better now than I use to be. If I were to tell you some of the things I changed when I was younger... let's just say you wouldn't believe me. Now, I still let it affect me every now & then, but I react differently. Instead of changing my outward self and who I am in public, I just take it on internally. I just re-act, by eating! I discovered that this week. Well, I don't know if “discovered” is the right word, because I've known this for a long time, but I re-realized it again. Several times in the last week I have eaten away my stress, but really, it's not gone away, it's just gotten larger. Because then I'm not only dealing with "what others think" but I'm also dealing with all the negative talk about myself to myself, as well. It's really true that losing weight is 90% mental. Yes, I am mental! :) Last night was kind of a(nother) breaking point for me, and after I had a pretty large break down (and a large burger, large fry, and large soda to go along with it) I went, "DUH Sam!". Why am I doing this? Why am I letting what others think, and stress in my life, affect my dreams and reality. I have this wonderful friend that I have the pleasure of working with, and we've discussed this several times. She decided long ago that it's not worth it to let what others think, matter. And she truly doesn't care. And people gravitate toward her. She speaks her mind; she makes others feel good about themselves, and helps them feel important. I want to get to that point. I want to get to the point where what I think, God thinks, and my husband thinks, matters more than the other voices out there. And that truly, it is about helping others feel good.

I keep waiting for that movie moment, when everything just makes sense, everything just fits, and everything just changes perfectly into what I want it to look like. Movies like The Mirror Has Two Faces, have you seen it? You know that moment when they decide, "I'm going to change", and then they do and it shows them exercising, eating carrots, doing "healthy" things. And at the end of the very motivating song, they look fabulous! New hair, new makeup, new clothes, new body, new person. I keep waiting for that. But... it's not coming. The truth is that it's a daily decision. It's all well and good to know that I'm God's child, and that I don't care about what others think of me. But the truth is, I can only decide that for today. And tomorrow, I'll wake up and have to decide it all over again. I look back at my posts and see the truth in this. It goes like this: Motivating post, oh crap post, Motivating post, shoot - I messed up again, dang it - I'm frustrated, motivating post... etc. That's life, and I need to stop waiting for "the moment". I guess you could say it's here - for today. And hopefully, there will be one for tomorrow, and the next day, and the next day, and the next day for the rest of my life. Who knows, maybe after doing this day in and day out, I'll wake up and it will be habit. And I really won't care what others think, won't look for validation. I'll get to the point that how others feel about themselves is more important than how I feel. I wish I could honestly say I'm there, but I'm not. But I'm on my way, and that's what matters!

This blog has been really different than what I expected. I knew I didn't want it to be all about weight loss, I wanted to share about my spiritual goals too, but it seems like lately it's been a really eye opening experience for me as I contemplate who I am and who I want to be. I didn't expect to be so... open. Sorry if that's awkward. But this blog is about changing me, and the inside needs to be taken care of before the outside can reflect it. I think that part of why I've been so over weight and struggled so bad, is because I've let the inside go too. For so long, I haven't cared about what really is important, and focused on things that, in the long run cannot bring me happiness. I think as I bring the intangibles into focus and get them in line with my value system; it won't be so hard to lose weight.

I came across an article by some actress that lost about 50lbs. And although I wasn't super impressed with her weight loss methods (kind of Big Looser style, really great - but not very practical for most people), there was one thing she said that really did affect me. She said "I've realized I'm more important than food is. I love a slice of pizza. But I love myself more. Being thin is about changing the way you think about yourself. It's about saying you deserve to be healthy. In no way have I perfected this eating thing and I don't know that I ever will. But life is about making progress, it's not about perfection". Isn't that great? I especially love "I love a slice of pizza, but I love myself more". I think that's going to be my new slogan when I'm tempted to eat bad foods, in unhealthy amounts.

So, tonight I go to bed, not caring about what others think of me, and knowing that I am a daughter of God. And tomorrow, I look forward to waking up and making that decision again. I hope you make it too! (Unless you’re a boy, then I hope you think you’re a son of God. ;)

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1 comment:

Dan and Nicole said...

I LOVE this post because I too, care what people think about me and it does affect my whole life. Thanks for sharing so I know I'm not the only one. Great goal of wanting to not care waht others think about you, it is inspiring me to make that my same goal.