Sunday, April 20, 2014

My week in review

Well, this week went fairly well. I made my weekly menu, and did really well sticking to it until the weekend. Weekends are just tough. Mike isn't here most of it, and it's so easy to just eat. I made the mistake of making some of the menu items to difficult. So when it came time to make them over the weekend, I just didn't want to. While I didn't do horrible, it wasn't as well as I wanted. It's clear that next week, for the weekend, I am going to choose very simple meals that require little cooking. I think I'll do better with that. 

Unfortunately we didn't get to go out and do our daily walk this week because Emma came down with a little cold. It wasn't terrible, but between that and the weather dropping just a little, I didn't want to risk her getting worse. I'm really looking forward to adding this to our day this coming week! I'm ready to move! 

I did sign up for WW and attend my first meeting. It was good to be back. Hard in some ways, because I think about all the times I've been there before. If I had just kept at it. But... I'm not going to dwell on the past. I'm just going to be grateful I have the opportunity to change today and my future. 

One of the things they encouraged us to do this week was to ask ourselves before we ate anything, "Is it worth it"? I really liked this, because so often I just go for what is easy and quick. Not necessarily what is good, beautiful, nutritious, and yummy. There were several times that I asked this, and the answer was no. And sometimes I didn't end up eating it. And sometimes I did. I decided not to judge myself for that - but just to be aware and observe. It was a step forward. 

The other thing the leader brought up in regards to "Is it worth it?", was also asking "Am I worth it?". I thought that was a really good thing to think about to. This week as I move forward and get back on track I want to remember this. 

Am I worth it? 

Worth eating healthy for? Worth loving myself with healthy food and enjoyable movement? Worth accepting and loving? Yes. Yes. Yes! 

Saturday, April 12, 2014

Going back to move forward

Well I think I've come up with what I want to do. Over the last few weeks I've really considered a lot of different options. Different diet plans, workout plans, non-workout plans, non-diet plans, gastric by pass, prescription medication, and so on and so on. Last night as I sat here typing up that post I started thinking about the year 2010. That was a good year for me. I lost 45lbs. I was running all the time, felt so great about myself, and my health. I blogged 167 times about my life. While all of these may have been about me, it was in a good way. It was taking care of myself so that I could be a better wife, daughter, and friend. 

I'm finding that with our schedule the way it is, and with adding the title of mommy - I very rarely am finding any time for anything that... fills up my cup. Don't get me wrong, I LOVE being a mom! And I love being a wife! These two things bring me so much joy and do fill up my cup. But they also drain it too sometimes. It feels like more often than not I run toward the empty side. And that is to no one's benefit.

So I've decided to make this simple. I'm going to go back to what I was doing - that was WORKING. Duh. Sometimes we just make things so difficult for ourselves. I don't plan to make a million changes all at once - because I know what will happen if I do that. But at some point over the next year, I want to work all of these changes into my life. 

These three will start happening this coming week:
*Sign up for WW and attend a weekly meeting.
*Start going on a daily 1 mile walk. This is as much for the exercise, as just the opportunity for Emma and I to get out of the house, enjoy sunshine, and hopefully have nice chats with friends that may join us.
*Create a weekly meal plan, make a grocery list, and go shopping. (This may sound difficult - but I actually used to LOVE doing this)

To be added in as I go:
*Work up to blogging several times a week again. I have a feeling my posts will be a lot shorter than they used to be (then again, maybe not. hahaha I do have a lot to say). I found so much value in sharing my feelings, frustrations, and successes. It was very therapeutic and I think it had a lot to do with my success.
*Walk/jog a 5k end of May or beginning of June and a 10K in Moab in Dec. 
*Go hiking at least once a week. My feet need to build up some strength again before I will start doing this. I hope to start in May.
*Move from walking back into jogging. At my peak, I was able to jog 2.5 miles straight. I started that year just by walking. Then increasing my walking distance. Then starting to jog intermittently, from tree to tree. And then slowly increasing the distances I was jogging. I'm going to do the same thing this summer. 
*Riding my bike several times a week. I got a road bike for Christmas, but I've only been able to ride it a few times. The biggest problem is that when I sit on it, I can't breath because my weight pushes into my ribs. I think I'm going to have to drop a little weight first, but I'll keep trying it and soon hope to be riding it on constant basis.

I'm sure I'll think of more things along the way, but that's the immediate plan.

Yes, this is about weight loss. But more than that, it's about life changes. I want to be healthy, so that I can teach my children how to be healthy. I want to have self esteem so that I can be an example for Emma. I want to live life to it's fullest - by enjoying good food, fun family activities, and helping others. I want to get to the end of my life and have much to show for it. There are many habits and things in my life that I want to let go of. The great thing is that every day is a new day to be the person I want to be. I don't have to wait to be happy "when"... I start right now to enjoy my life as it is! And live in a way that will make tomorrow a great day too!

Friday, April 11, 2014

I'll be happy when....

Today felt like a crossroads kind of day. One of those days where you finally get real with yourself, with what your life is, and what you want it to be. 

It's so easy to think "I'll be happy when..."

"I'll be happy when I'm married."

"I'll be happy when I'm XXXlbs."

"I'll be happy when I fit in my clothes better."

"I'll be happy when we are out of debt."

"I'll be happy when the house is clean."

"I'll be happy when I'm a mother."

On a show that I'm watching one of the characters said something that has kind of stuck with me. He said that what happiness is, is wanting what you already have. And it's not that any one of these things wouldn't or hasn't brought me happiness. I think the key is finding happiness in just being where you're at, with what you have, and with who you love. And while some areas of my life bring me more joy than I ever thought possible, I'm not quite "happy" with where I am at. 

I've felt pretty stuck lately. My thoughts and ideas about self and weight loss have become pretty twisted, and in doing so have really helped me pack on the lbs. I've always been really open about numbers on this blog - never feeling like I had anything to hide. This is the first time I don't want to post how much I weigh. Mostly because I don't want to face the reality, not because I really care what others think about it. 

When I say my thoughts have become twisted, what I mean is that it's almost like I am on information overload. I love the idea of Intuitive Eating (IE) and principles they teach. I don't want to diet and have freedom to eat the foods I want - and I want to want healthy foods. But the reality is when I try this, I mostly end up eating way too much food and only the "fun" foods - in the name of IE. Which is not IE at all! And on the other hand I think there are several good plans and diets that I could be successful at. But the problem is every time I try and start the things I learned from IE about dieting start to come up and then I get all confused, and it's this whole vicious cycle. And I've been on it for months. And I'm tired of it. 

I don't really know what the answer is yet. But before the weekend is out, I will have it.