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Wednesday, January 26, 2011

It's time to show up!

"Everyone wants to live on top of the mountain, but all the happiness & growth occurs while your climbing it."
~Author Unknown

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Well, I'm finally starting to feel better. For the most part the spinning has stopped and I was finally able to go back to work. Two weeks on the couch -I watched all 7 seasons of Buffy! Gotta love a Buffy Marathon, but I was ready to get out of the house! There are moments where my head still has a LOT of pressure in it (like 80% of the time). It doesn't really hurt, but it's very uncomfortable. It kind of pulses, and gives me this floating feeling - like my head is going to float right off my body (no, I haven't been doing drugs! ;D). I don't know how to explain it. I tell you though, it makes it really hard to concentrate!

I had a lot of down time over the last two weeks. And I did not handle the food thing well - but I'm not going to dwell. I'm moving on. I also did quite a bit of thinking - I know, shocker right! It's no secret that I've been fighting some depression. Part of it's just winter blues. Part of it was being sick for so long. Part of it is dealing with my "failures" and seeing myself slid backwards at the end of last year.

I found the quote at the top of this post sometime last year. I didn't really know how pertinent it really would be. I did a lot of hiking last summer, and I definitely learned that so much of the beauty really is in the journey. Somewhere along the way, I seemed to forget that. And it's funny how when you stop for just a moment, really a MOMENT, it can all slip away.

I find myself at the bottom of the "weight loss" mountain again, looking up and asking myself "Really? You're really going to try and climb again?" And I'm delighted to say yes, yes I am. And you know what? It's not the same mountain. I'm not the same hiker.

Last year, I lost weight. But I lost a lot more then that. I let go of a lot of emotional baggage. And I feel it trying to creep back in. To creep in through the holes of frustration and depression to wrap it's cold fingers around my heart again. The negative thinking, the cruel words that are sharp as knives. But I'm putting my foot down. If I must, I'll gain physical weight again. Whatever. But I will NOT allow the emotional baggage that I had tossed out, to come back. I will however, protect myself, love myself, and continue to rid myself of these kinds of toxins. 

The picture I posted above shows some of our beautiful mountains! I love this valley and those are my mountains. But notice the ridges. When you climb up and down one of them, what is next but to go up the next one! There will ALWAYS be another mountain to climb. It is a natural part of life that I again stand at the bottom of this hill and prepare to climb. And it may be that the only thing I continue to lose is the emotional crap. Come what may.

One last thing, I'm tired of being average. I'm tired of quitting. I'm tired of being a flake. I'm tired of letting myself down, and letting others down. It's time to show up. Show up for me, show up for my responsibilities, and for others that need me.  

It's time to show up!

I'm going up that hill. If you've been struggling and sliding backwards - come take my hand and let's move forward together!

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Friday, January 14, 2011

Dizzy!

Wednesday morning I woke up around 5am and went to the bathroom. When I laid back down I turned my head toward Mike and my world literally turned upside down. My life was spinning and spinning! And kept on spinning! It was so bad that I had to lay very still and not move. I finally was able to fall back asleep. When I woke up again, I tried to walk to the bathroom again, and almost fell over. Luckily Mike had the day off and was there. He caught me and helped me to make it safely to the bathroom. It was one of the worst days of my life! I couldn't walk anywhere by myself. I threw up several times (sorry for the yucky details) from the dizziness! I knew I needed to go the doctor, but there was no way I would be able to walk or ride in a car. Unless I was just laying on my back looking straight up, it felt like I had just gotten off the tilt-o-whirl. I hate that ride! Finally, during the night I was able to turn on my side without feeling like I was going to toss my cookies (except that I hadn't eaten any cookies. I barley ate anything!!!). Thursday I was still way dizzy, but I could at least walk by myself, with the help of a sturdy wall. Mike took me to the doctor. I felt like a 5 year old walking in there with my bowl, but I didn't want to throw up on their floor! :) Luckily I didn't throw up. Turns out I have fluid behind my inner ear that is causing vertigo. I got a shot in the butt, and some other drugs. I came home and slept for like 4 hours, and when I woke up, the world was only slightly spinning. In case you've ever wondered, vertigo is the worst thing ever!!!!! I hate spinny rides, and this is awful. I was planning to start the Couch to 5k this week, but... yeah, now I get to just practice keeping the couch company. At least I'm able to sit up now. This week didn't quite work out the way I'd planned. I had thought to have a cleaning night tonight - blare some music and clean the house top to bottom. That way we could just enjoy our weekend holiday. Instead? I guess now I get a date with Buffy, my couch, and the cutest puppy ever curled up beside me. I guess that's okay too. :) Just thought I'd let you know what's going on with me and say, I hope you have a better weekend then I'm going to! :) Don't worry, it will go away soon (I pray) and I'll be back on my feet in no time!
 
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Saturday, January 8, 2011

They had a baby!

Let me start out by thanking those who left such sweet and understanding comments on my last post. It was something that I had really been dreading - thanks for being so thoughtful! 
I gave it quite a bit of thought and decided that I could in fact do both. I just need more structure right now, which I will get from WW, but I can also continue practicing and perfecting the skills I learned from Intuitive Eating. The best part about this news? Mike and I signed up for Weight Watchers last night. I'm ecstatic that we are going to do this together. I think learning these fundamental skills together will be great for our marriage, and we will be able to support each other more fully.

So did you know, that Weight Watchers and Intuitive Eating got together and had a baby? Yeah, they did. It's called PointsPlus! After we signed up, we sat down to wait for the "newbie" meeting to start. I was looking around going.... "Really? I'm going to do this... again?". I looked over on the wall and noticed they had some new posters touting the new program. And this is what it said: 

1. Ask for help
2. Learn from experience
3. Manage your environment
4. Manage your feelings
5. Manage your thoughts
6. Monitor yourself
7. Prepare yourself
8. Take care of yourself

Sound familiar? It did to me. And it was comforting to me. Right there in front of me I saw that I could in fact merge these two ways of living comfortably. The other thing that was interesting is over and over the leader kept saying... this is not a diet. She said these are tools to help you learn to listen to your body and to treat it with respect. I have never really looked at WW like that to be honest. But... I can see her point. And it thrills me to know I don't have to pick! I can have the best of both worlds! 

The thing I really struggle with is portion sizes. Even when listening to my body - my eyes never listen and I always end up with more food on my plate then I probably need. Then... I panic when there is food on the plate at the end. I know that may be silly - and truthfully I don't know where the panic comes from. My mom was not one of those "Finish your food or else" kind of moms. So knowing this is a struggle - WW comes in. Because to count your points, you do need to measure your food. Which I know goes against the idea of Intuitive Eating. But... when I measure my food I do better at actually listening to my body! I think this will work for me. 

Anyway, just wanted to put it out there - I joined Weight Watchers again. Mike joined Weight Watchers! I'm excited to get started! Today is a clean the house day. Take down the Christmas and prepare for a great week next week!
 
Hope you have a wonderful weekend!


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Thursday, January 6, 2011

Conflicted

I have started this post four times now. Here goes number five...

I am conflicted about whether to continue Intuitive Eating or go back to Weight Watchers, or trying in some way to do both. That is my conflict. 
The other conflict was about telling my readers that I was in conflict about this. :0 I have been so worried about what my readers will think. I've been feeling shameful and two faced. Not that either one of them are bad or wrong, It's just I've made such a big deal about not dieting. 

After writing practically two pages of posts trying to make light of this, or trying to justify myself, or trying to explain to you and help you understand I finally came to the realization - it's not about my readers! This is a very personal decision. And if some of my readers want to judge me for that... well then so be it.

My good friend Anne from Smaller Fun Pants has been talking a lot about part of this journey being that she is learning to stand up for herself. I think I am learning that too. Sometimes, it's about standing up to yourself and encouraging yourself to make better choices. And sometimes about standing up for yourself (in a loving way), it's about self respect. I need to do more of both! In continuing my blog, I need to be less fearful about what others will think - and just put myself and honest thoughts on the line.

Last fall, I stood up for myself and I took a chance. I quit dieting and I tried Intuitive Eating. I feel like I learned so much in the first three months. But somewhere a long the way I stopped the number one thing you must do in Intuitive Eating - I stopped being aware. It's important to me that you recognize this not as a fault with the idea or program, but really, it was my choice to do that. I have met some amazing people who have lost and maintained their loss with this life style. I know in my heart that this is the ultimate plan for me. 

I just seem to be struggling a bit with the trusting myself. Trusting my body. I kind of need a push. Weight Watchers is such a great plan, because although yes - it's counting points - it's still a lot about listening to my body and learning to trust - just surrounded with a little more structure. Maybe it's about learning to crawl before you walk? I don't know... maybe I'm justifying myself and my fears. 

Mike said he might be willing to go with me to Weight Watchers, and that is a really big draw! I've been wanting us to really dig down and do this together. He will usually follow along with whatever I am doing, but if he came, I just think we could do it so much better then we ever have before.

Well... as you can see I'm not very close to an answer. But... I will make my decision this weekend and move forward. I've let this week slide, because I really have been quite conflicted about the whole thing. But it's time to decide. Whatever I do, I'm ready to move forward!

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