Friday, May 22, 2015

Image and Reality

I've been working on changing a little habit. This little thought process. Whenever I start a new "Plan" or a new diet, or a new whatever - I start to get this image of myself in my head. It's a good image - it's the image of what I want to become. And as I start making healthy changes, the image becomes more and more clear. The problem is that when I look in the mirror I expect to see that new image - sometimes right away. While this image can be a really good thing and a motivator, this expectation is not. And it become discouraging that the two  - my image and my reality - don't match up. But this time around, every time I feel that discouragement I'm trying to kindly remind myself that it WILL if I just keep making the other changes that I'm focusing on daily. That if I do those enough and don't quit - soon those two will become the same!

Tuesday, May 19, 2015

What a bummer... bum knee!

As I mentioned in my last post I've been at this for three weeks. I've been very diligent, especially in getting my workout on. I bought a weight bench and weights on KSL and have been lifting and doing HIIT for cardio on my road bike or running. It's amazing how fast I am seeing results. While the scale hasn't move a ton - I am noticing a difference in how my clothes fit. I saw the quote below just before I started my new plan and it has been my montra this whole time. When I look in the mirror if I have a negative thought about what I see, I imeadiately remind myself that I'm working on life style changes. And those take some time. And if I make these new habits just... habits, I will see change in whatever it is I don't like. And I often remind myself of this quote. Give it time! 

It takes 4 weeks for you to notice your body changing, 8 weeks for your friends and 12 weeks for the rest of the world. Give it 12 weeks. Don't Quit! 

Last night I was doing my workout. And while doing lunges, I tweaked my knee. It was bad enough that I immediately stopped and sat down to ice it. I've been icing it all day and it is feeling a bit better. But I have to say, last night I was REALLY discouraged! (although I was discouraged, I DIDN'T binge!!! YAY) I've been doing so well, and I was so sad/scared/frustrated/worried that I would have to stop working out! After some self pity time, I realized that it's only my knee - and it's not that bad. If it does require some heal time, there are lots of other things I can do during that time. I can focus a little more on my eating. I can focus on my upper body strength. I can swim. I can find exercises for my legs that don't tax the knee. It was a pretty fast mind set change for me. Honestly that was as exciting as seeing 5lbs lost on the scale. Because it's really up to my mind to lose this weight. It's not only my body that needs to do weight lifting to build strength. So does my spirit. So does my mind. In fact, they need it more than my body - because they are what drive the body. 

I was going to take the day off today, but decided that wasn't necessary. I just needed to find a different way to work out. And not only did I get my cardio in, but I made up the workout that I didn't finish last night too. Mike and I went swimming. Swimming is a real struggle for me. I never properly learned how to do it, so swimming for me is more... not drowning. lol But Mike was very patient and didn't tell me all the things I was doing wrong (even though it was killing him) and just encouraged me. I finally told him he could give me one thing, and he helped me with my breathing. It's amazing how breathing really helps when you are working out. Ha! Anyway, it was a good swim and I was wasted after! Tonight's lifting wasn't my best, but it wasn't my worst either. I think most importantly, I did it.

I don't mean to toot my own horn so much, but you gotta celebrate the wins. And these were pretty big wins! :)

Sunday, May 17, 2015

Choosing my life

I have a pretty good life. Sometimes, when I get in the deep pit of depression it's easy to forget that, but I really am so very blessed! I have a loving and amazing husband who works ridiculously hard for our family. I have a daughter that is just so happy and delightful! We have a safe, warm home, and want for nothing when it really comes down to it. But sometimes that pit just seems to drag at me and pull me down and I forget. This Winter I spent a lot of time in the pit. Sometime in  the beginning March I decided I had had enough. I started praying about what I should do to finally pull myself out of it. I had that thought (that I know was an answer to my prayer) to start reading the Book of Mormon every day. I listened to that prompting and started reading. My outlook started to improve and each day was better than the last. A couple weeks ago my friend mentioned she was back on her cleaning schedule and I thought, I want to do that. So I pulled out one that I had used in the past and changed it to fit my life now (I'm going to post more on that at another time). Making these two changes have been monumental in pulling myself out of the pit! They've given me the freedom in my mind to explore other areas of my life that need some, tweaking. 

Anyone who has known me for more than 5 min - knows that I love plans. I love goals. I love charts. Unfortunately, I don't often stick with the plans. So as I started considering my next move - I reflected back on the things that I usually gravitate to and started noticing a pattern. I started seeing that clearly the saying "If you always do what you've always done, you'll always get what you've always got" is so very true in my life. Especially for my health and weight. I decided that, yes, I would still have a plan, but that it would look very different than I had ever done before. And part of the difference - is that I'm not going to share it with the world. I'll share pieces of it at a time. I'll say this, it is very well rounded. It's not just about losing weight. In fact, that really is just a small piece of it. It's about my spiritual life, it's about my environment, it's about my social life, and yes - it's about nutrition and exercise. But the biggest thing it's about - is creating a lifestyle that I want. It's about choosing my life, accepting what is - and loving myself, and choosing to find improvement.

I've been working on these new goals for three weeks now and it's going really well. One of the things that I'm working on is writing in my journal instead of eating when I want to binge. This is where blogging comes in. I have a private blog that is only for me. I use it as a journal. I've been writing in it almost every day, and decided that some of the things I want to share with others. So when appropriate, I'll post it on this blog as well. I don't know if anyone really reads this anymore or not, but that's okay. I'm going to post anyway. So if you're new to the blog, or have been hanging in there with me for some time - keep coming back, it's about to get good!! :) 

Sunday, May 10, 2015

You are a Mother....

I am not a morning person. But here I sit at 6am while my family sleeps because my heart is so full, I think it may spill over! There are some things I need to say. 

First off I just want to thank my own Mom for everything she does for me! Not only for the growing years and ALLLLLL that entails. But especially over the last two years and nine months. She has been so supportive as I've entered this new world of motherhood myself. She has taught me, she has helped me, and in some instances carried me when I couldn't go on myself. She is a wonderful example to me of service and unconditional love. I love you MORE Mom!!!!! :D

It's amazing how one little holiday can evoke so many different feelings. For some, it's a day of joy, celebration, and love - as it should be!! For others it's a day of missing dearly those who have departed from this world, and wishing for just one more hug. For some it is a day of pain, regret, and guilt for not being more than they think they should be - if only they could see how wonderful they really are. And for some, it's filled with dread, and the deepest hunger I think a person can ever know.

In our house, we have experienced all of these feelings. My husband's Mom passed away four years ago this year. Seems like it was just yesterday. I long for Mike to be able to see her one more time. I long for Emma to run into her arms and call her Grandma! And while I know that we will see her again - and I know that her presence will be felt today, there will still be a few tears shed for her loss while we wait. 

For years, I was in the later group. While I loved the opportunity to celebrate the wonderful and amazing women in my life, it was always a bit tainted. Because it brought into light the burning desire that consumed my thoughts most days - I want to be a mother. I would assume that most women experience this hunger at some point in their life. And hopefully, that hunger is soon satisfied with thoughts of "I'm pregnant" and all that the future holds. But for those who experience infertility issues, those who have to wait, and wonder - it becomes something so different. It becomes a consuming hunger. Something so deep and so painful that it is hard to describe or imagine. And on Mother's day it was so glaringly obvious - that I wasn't a mother. 

I always hated going to church on Mother's day - and didn't for several years. I hated the moment that they had all the mothers stand up and be recognized. I hated how those around me would encouraged me to stand up too. Please don't misunderstand, it's not that I felt any ill feeling toward those Mother's - or even that I didn't want to see them recognized! They should be recognized! They are teaching, loving, and raising our next generation. They are healers, cooks, house cleaners, boo-boo kissers, tickle monsters, confidants, chauffeurs, and so so much more. They shouldn't just stand - we should also clap and cheer for them too! No, it's not that I didn't want to see them recognized, it's that I wanted so desperately to join them as a mother, and when I would stand up, all I felt like was a fraud. Pretending to be and to have something, I'm not. 

To those women who were able to become a mommy without too much struggle, I am so delighted for you! Seriously, I would never in a million years want to see anyone not be able to bear a child if they wanted to. And I never have begrudged those that did. I celebrated with many of my friends having their children, and I have been excited for them! I have prayed for them! And I have watched and learned from them! They were and still are my heroes. Thank you for all you do!!

Fast forward 6 1/2 years and here comes the BIGGEST miracle (and surprise) of my life! We are pregnant! We don't know how it happened! It probably shouldn't have, but it did. I know that Emma is a direct gift from God. I won't go into all the details (you can read about it here if you really want to know), but suffice it to say - we were shocked!! And of course completely - knocked off our axis - with joy!

But here is the funny thing, when Mother's day came rolling around while I was pregnant - I still didn't look forward too it. I still didn't look forward to the day that was meant to celebrate my motherhood. Part of it was just the years of painful memories and tears. Part of it was that I was already starting to feel some of that guilt that mothers sometimes feel when their not, you know, perfect. And honestly, I also felt some guilt knowing that I was going to have a baby when there were still people that I knew and loved who were still struggling.

So here we are, it's my 3rd Mother's day as a mother. Last year was a bit better, and finally this year I can say that I'm not dreading the day. Finally I can say that I'm excited about being celebrated, and standing up with the other Mother's. But must admit that I still feel some sorrow today. I have still shed some tears today, but not for myself, but for the other women I know that are out there still feeling that same dread that I felt for so long. And really, it's to them that I want to say: You are a Mother!

Here's the thing that I didn't know back then. And it's taken me a while to understand it. The moment you start loving your child, in my personal opinion, that's the moment you become a mother. And what I didn't realize, was that for 6 1/2 years - I was loving my child! I was fighting for her. I was hoping for her. I was praying for her. Sure - I didn't know her name and I didn't know she would be a she. :) But looking back, I did love her! I wanted her to have an amazing life. I wanted to give her all the things she would need, to become anything she wanted to be. And I was trying to live in a way that I would be ready to help her do that. And all of that is what being a mom, mommy, and mother - is all about! 

So for those of you who are out there still feeling the ache of something missing in your arms - know that it's that ache that makes you a mother right now. I know that doesn't take all the hurt away, of course it doesn't. But it means when you have the opportunity - you stand up proud with those other mothers. Let others celebrate you and the HARD HARD work you are doing! And most of all - that you never give up on that fight - because it is a good one and believe me when I say it is worth all the pain, tears, and money!

I'm ready to stand today and be celebrated - and I hope you do too, whatever your circumstance may be!!! Please know that I celebrate you, who you are, and what you fight for. Whether that means you are are holding your child in your arms or in your heart (for now). 

Happy Mother's day to all of you
beautiful mothers out there!!!