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Thursday, March 31, 2011

I feel....

Tired....
Sick of being tired....
Angry....
Frustrated.....
A sense of urgency....
Guilt....
Stuck in cement....
whinny....
Seeing a theme?

Seriously, I think what I really need is just a kick in the pants. My last four of five posts were all upbeat and motivational - and I enjoyed writing them. And I really felt in the moment that the words were true. And I still do. I'm just having a really hard time acting on them. I'm having a hard time acting... period. I am doing much better then I was in January, I'm not just sitting and watching my life completely pass me by. But I guess I know I could be... should be... want to be doing more. And I don't know why I'm not. And every morning I wake up and think today is the day. I am going to have my act together today. And then.... something happens... or nothing happens... and I just don't. And it's not like I'm going after perfection here. I just want improvement.

Okay, to be fair, there has been improvement. I have been cooking a few more nights then I was. I have been cleaning more then I was. I have been eating out WAY less then I was. I have been reading my scriptures more. I have been focusing more on Mike. In April we are going to living on cash, and I'm excited about that. I'm excited to really start paying off some debt. 
But my thoughts are still just so muddled. And so stuck. Last year I had a friend that was in a similar position. And I kept thinking, doesn't she know how amazing she is? Doesn't she know that if she did it once, she can do it again? Even though I have been there, lost and gained before. I didn't really understand. I had forgotten. But now, here I am. And now - I understand! Wow do I understand. And while I know what needs to be done, somehow, it feels like I'll never be able to do it. 

Once of my favorite blogs, Real Fat, talked about the key to success. And I KNOW that she is right. I know that the reason I gained, is because I stopped. And that I can continue being stopped, and I can be a failure. Or, I can wake up tomorrow and try again. That if I keep taking baby steps, every day. I'll eventually get to where I want to be. If I don't stop I can succeed, even if it takes a long time!

I'm in that place. That middle ground of the cycle. Do you know what I mean? That place where you are on the fence. You've got one leg over and your trying to decide which way to go. You know what way you want to go, but your fear is holding you back.

All these things keep jumping out at me. Phrases in songs, scriptures, movies even. They all are urging me to go through the fear, give up control, and just jump to the other side of the fence. That God loves me, that he will forgive me, if I just ask. That I should forgive myself.

And then there is the guilt. Oh the guilt. The guilt of knowing what I gave up. The guilt of knowing how stupid it is that I am stuck on something so insignificant like this - when there others out there suffering from things so much worse - and doing it with a great attitude. Guilt from not being able to move past it. Guilt from wasting my life pinning after what was, and not doing something about it. 

I told you, I feel whinny (and am whinny, sorry). 

I want to find the silver lining here. I want to be able to end this on a positive note, because that's what I do. But I just don't have it in me tonight. I am what I am, and today this is it. I'm frustrated. If someone wanted to, they could just come push me off the fence. Thanks. 


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Friday, March 25, 2011

Exactly Who We Are Is Just Enough



I found this song the other day, and I just LOVE it! There are so many good messages in it. We are Kings and Queens. Exactly who we are is just enough. God loves us and wants us to succeed. There is a place for us - we belong.  I was thinking about it yesterday as I listened to it, and it's so true!

I was thinking of my family, friends, co-workers, my young women, everyone I know. I was thinking of how much respect and love I have for each of these people. And how I just so much appreciate who they are. Right now. Not who they will be or could be, but who they are. Their goodness, kindness, spunk, selflessness, special talents they have and so often share with others, their smile and laughter, and most of all their love. I know the most amazing people. I'm just so blessed. And I guess I just really wanted to say thank you. Thank you for being such good examples to me.

It's a really interesting thought if you think about it. How can a person be enough exactly as they are, and yet.... have things they need to fix? Or Improve? Do you get what I'm asking? If a person believes they are broken, how do they at the same time believe that they are enough?

Close your eyes - go on, do it - and think to yourself "Exactly who I am is enough". What comes up? What feelings? What thoughts? Do you have peace? Do you feel it's true? Do you instantly want to list all the reasons that's not true? Do you have confidence in that? Do you have some panic, or fear? Do you feel inadequate? Or do you feel your strength?

I think so often, it's easy to see the goodness in others. It's easy to tell someone, "Exactly who you are is enough". But when we say it to ourselves, it's a whole different ball game!

Why do you think that is?

I think that for me, it really comes down to lies, and broken promises. We all go through experiences in life. Some people have gone through awful things. Some people have been sheltered. But everyone has had moments that changed them. That hurt them. That made them doubt themselves, their abilities, and their worth. Where they made the choice to give up on themselves, because their not worthy. Some of these experiences had only to do with one's self, and some of them were brought on by the poor choices of others. And some of them were brought on to others by one's own poor choices, after all we all make mistakes.

I think a lot of the time, the lies come from the stories we tell ourselves about the experiences we've had.
 
If someone made a bunch of promises to us, and they kept breaking them, soon we would lose trust in that person. We wouldn't value their input as much perhaps. We might begin to discount their feelings, and become desensitized to future promises. I think the same thing happens with ourselves.
 
I personally believe we were born to privilege and with that comes specific obligations. We have the potential to be great! We are not going to reach our full potential, if it's just given to us. And so this life comes with it's trials, and hurts, and pains. And one of the biggest hurdles to overcome? Ourselves. We must learn control, trust, love, forgiveness. We're always taught these principals apply to our relationship to others - which of course - they do. But it seems we are not taught until much later in life - that this MUST apply to ourselves as well.
 
So how do we overcome all of it? How do we get to the point were we can truly and honestly say "Exactly who I am is enough"! I think it's by learning to love ourselves. To forgive ourselves for the past. Learning to control our own power, and learning how to make it work for us, instead of against us. Each of us has power of choice. Some of us use it to serve others and to stand up for ourselves when necessary, and some of choose to give it away. Maybe to another person, or maybe to, oh I don't know... food? And we work on trust. We can either continue to break the trust by making decisions that are in opposition of where we want to go, or we can start earning trust again by making simple choices every day that take us one step closer. 
 
It's time! 
 
It's time to look yourself in the eye and say, the power is mine, and I'm taking it back!
 
It's time to love yourself, by forgiving yourself. Say your sorry (even to yourself if needs be), and let it go!
 
It's time to realize you're not broken!
 
It's time to take the power back and use it for good by standing up for yourself and others!
 
It's time to earn the trust you're worthy of!
 
It's time to not just think that some day you'll be enough, oh no.... 
 
It's time to realize that "Exactly who you are is just enough" right now!
 
It's time!

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Monday, March 21, 2011

A Christmas Carol... in March

So I have been visited by some Ghosts. That's right, you heard me. I was visited by the Ghost of Weight Loss Past, Ghost of Weight Loss Present, and Ghost of Weight Loss Future. Each of them has taken me for a different journey, and opened my eyes to some truths. 

Weight Loss Past
My mom and I recently have been working on our friendship. I've really enjoyed the time with her and am having a lot of fun. My mom is an amazing person! I was venting about some things to her and she gave me some advice. One of the things she told me was I should go back and read my blog from last year. I read a post here and there, but I haven't read it all the way through. Just to give you an idea of what kind of challenge this was - in January I was looking at cost to get my blog for 2010 printed in a blog. Want to know how many pages that book will be (when I can finally afford it)? Over 400 pages! Of course that's including all the comments and pictures too. But still, that's a big book.

I started reading about a week and 1/2 ago at the very first post. And today I finished my last post. I learned somethings along the way: 
1. I have AMAZING BEAUTIFUL WONDERFUL LOVING THOUGHTFUL friends! Seriously, there were several times I was brought to tears by the support and love that was shared with me. The honesty, the accountability, the... sheer love. I don't know that I'll EVER be able to say THANK YOU enough! Wow, I'm just so touched! You changed me. Every one of you, you have had an impact on my life and I thank God for you. For those I know in real life who stuck with me, and those I've met through other blogs. I love you! 
2. I change my mind... a LOT! Not really a good or bad thing I guess. Just something I noticed, as my "plan" changed about every other post. :D Guess that means I'm flexible?
3. I was strong, except for when I was weak. And I think a lot of times, I've let that weakness have too much power and control. And too often I allow it be an excuse to do less then my best. 
4. I was strong, and I did hard things! I beat a lot of fears last year and it was really awesome to be reminded of that. Of how extraordinary it felt! 
5. I love to run! It felt so good to use my legs and muscles, to spend quiet time with my thoughts, to be out doors, to sweat, and to breath. 
6. I enjoyed WW, and I enjoyed Intuitive Eating. Both were difficult, and I learned a lot from both. Reading over my posts and really thinking about it, I don't regret my change to IE. I still believe the Spirit led me there, and that it was what was next. And I do not blame it for my falling off the wagon. 
7. I talk a lot. 
8. I was so sensitive to what others thought about me, I talked about it a lot! I started to stand up for myself more toward the end and that was good to see. 
9. It was a great year! 
While I sometimes felt some twinges of sadness reading last year's posts and how great things were going, and seeing my before and after pictures, more often then not, I just felt proud. I was proud of my courage, my faith gained, my honesty, and my heart. 

Weight Loss Present
I began this journey at the beginning of 2010 weighing 260.8. Today I weigh 248. Even just a few weeks ago, seeing that in writing would have been heart breaking to me. But truthfully, reading my posts has given me a lot of retrospect, comfort, joy, and excitement. I am going to spend all my moments in the now to continue healing from the inside out. Giving to the Lord, my family, and others.

Weight Loss Future
I don't know what my future holds as far as weight loss goes, to be honest. As I've posted, I have no plan. And the more I read from last year, the more I feel like I don't want a plan. I have always been a person to set specific goals. Numbers, and dates, and plans, with charts, and measurements, and deadlines and rewards. But really, if I look back at those goals, not very many of them have ever really happened. Some have, but a very small majority. One thing that was so successful was my non-plan "plan" for exercise. It just worked for me, I felt free. I've already mentioned that I'm not following any real plan for exercise and diet right now. That's not changing. At all. I'm going to stick with the non-plan plan! In fact, I'm going to take it a step further. At the beginning of this year I set, again, very specific goals. Say bye bye! I really don't want to make a bunch of changes this year to this plan and that plan. But I am not going to focus on specific goals this year. I'm just going to live and focus on some general ideas and purposes. I'm just going to give. You want to see what I mean, read the page at the top of my blog called I Will...

I bought some new running shoes on Saturday. One thing we learned last year - if you are going to run - be good to your feet and wear the proper footwear! I am excited to put them to the pavement again!


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Tuesday, March 15, 2011

Own It

"Heavy is the head that wears the crown, 
don't let the greatness get you down"
~ Katy Perry

We got together with some our friends last week to celebrate some birthdays. It was fun as I haven't seen these friends in a while. My best friend's husband and I like to... tease each other a lot. And argue a lot. He likes to get a rise out of me, and I enjoy correcting him. At one point in the evening I called him a not very nice name. Which I honestly have done many times (and probably will say again). And when I said it he said "Yeah and?  I own it!". 

And even though he can drive me crazy sometimes, when he said that, it really did make me stop and think. Here I was calling him a name that to me, wasn't a pleasant name, but he was acting like I had complimented him. Now, of course, he was just playing the part. But at the same time, I know him to be a very confident person in who he is. He has some qualities that some people may look down on, and that I myself tease him about. But the truth is, he is one of the most confident people I know.   He truly does "own" who he is, what he does, and what he says. I really respect that, and admire his courage.

The other day I sat down for some self reflection. We had a lesson in Young Womens on preparing ourselves for the life after this one. And how we won't be able to take any of our possessions with us, and what we will be able to take with us. I decided to take inventory on myself, if I were to die right now, what would I be taking with me. I made a list of my strengths and weaknesses. And it was really hard to list strengths. Things that I would have put down before, I felt like a hypocrite for writing them down. And I could think of all these examples of why that wasn't really a strength. And of course, my weakness list was a mile long. 

After this experience with... we'll call him Bob (haha - this is a nick name he gave my husband that I don't care for too much), it made me think about "owning" myself. Owning my strengths, owning my weaknesses, owning me. I don't really own much of them to be honest. I wear my weaknesses like a badge of shame, but I don't accept them. I don't claim them as me, as a part of what makes me, me. I detest them, and ignore them, or dwell on them incessantly. And my strengths? I hide from those too, or I rationalize them away. I think of all the reasons they really aren't strengths, and why I don't deserve to claim them or own them.

So what if? What if we claimed our strengths and celebrated them. And what if we owned our weaknesses and just accepted them as a part of who we are. And what if we didn't judge ourselves for them but just saw them. What we are? Not that they have to be permanent, and that they can't be changed. But as Dr. Phil says, you can't change what you don't acknowledge. And I think I want to add to that, what you don't accept. I'm not talking about acceptance as in "I'm fat. Guess I'll always be fat". I'm just talking about loving one's self for who we are at the present moment, not feeling broken. I am not broken. You are not broken.

What am I owning today? I'm owning that I can be a very selfish person. I more often then not, put my own wants before others. I am also very manipulative and know how to push buttons to get what I want. I won't lie, it's painful to say that. Mostly because I know it's really true, and I'm owning it. But I'm not going to judge it. I'm not going to rationalize it or bemoan it. It is what it is... for now. 

I am also trying to own my body. To accept it as is, and to believe and know that it is beautiful. This is VERY challenging for me. And not just my face and hair, but everything. My pudgy stomach, my large thighs, my voluptuous (great word, eh?) butt, and my cankles. I recognize that most of those words are not very kind, but that's how I feel. That's how I feel! And I am owning it for this moment. I'm allowing myself to feel it, with out anger, or pain, or pity, or censorship.

I'm going to own the good and the bad. Not to change me or to fix me. But just to be me. I challenge you to do the same! 

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Thursday, March 10, 2011

I Am A Fighter!

I know that there is a lot of controversy over the Biggest Loser. Personally I don't think it's realistic AT ALL. And the weight loss portion - I like to see the before and after, but watching them lose that fast really doesn't do it for me. But the parts I do like, and that I do learn from, are the parts where they process their feelings. Sometimes it feels a little forced, or staged. But you can also tell when they are having a real moment, when it wasn't planned, and when the emotions are real. 

This last episode had a moment like that, and I found it very... thought provoking. This player Justin (one of the big guys) was working with Cara, one of the new trainers. And she told him she was going to push him down 100 times and she wanted to see if he would keep getting up. So they start and she keeps pushing him down, which was pretty impressive considering how tiny she is. And he was all laughing and making a game of it and how easy it was and that he could do it all day. At that point I was thinking the moral of the story is, when you get pushed down, get back up. Don't stay down! 

This lead me to some thinking on times in my life when I've been pushed down, and I haven't gotten back up. Or when it took me a while to get back up. Or when I jumped right up. Just thinking about my life in general. Honestly, this winter, I wasn't sure I'd be able to get back up. My momentum is building, but there are still moments where I think... I can't do it. I'm tired. I don't want to fight any more. I don't want to care anymore, because it hurts to care and fail. Or that it's so easy to be numb and thoughtless/careless. I dwelled a lot on that kind of thinking, and that lead to even more thoughts like that. This stuff feeds on itself and breeds like bunnies! It's been one of the toughest times I've ever had to pull myself out. I'm not out of the woods yet, but... getting there. 

So then Cara starts yelling things at him. Like she doesn't believe in him. She doesn't think he can win. She doesn't think he can make it at home. That he will gain all his weight back at home. That he will fail. 

And that got me thinking about how we are constantly bombarded with these thoughts. Media, TV, Movies, friends that mean well, sometimes family, and probably most of all - ourselves. I think the person I am the most hard on, the most demanding of, the slowest to forgive, and the fastest to criticize - is myself. Why is that? Why do we always jump right to beating ourselves up. I think it's because Satan knows that is the best and fastest way to keep us down. Because our beliefs become our thoughts, our thoughts become our actions, our actions become who we are. So if he can head us off at the start, it's that much easier to keep us down. 

All of the sudden, Justin is fighting back. It's like he finally realizes, yeah, I gotta get back up when I get pushed down - but even more then that, I don't have to let someone push me down. Or something, I don't have to go down unless I allow it. And all of the sudden he is standing strong and she can't budge him. And he is yelling in her face over and over "I Am A Fighter!!!!!".

I'm such a people pleaser. I do so many things because I want to please someone. Or the other way around, I hide from people. Last weekend there was an event I should have gone to, but I was ashamed of having gained all my weight. So I let another event be an excuse of why I couldn't go and support a friend. And then spent most the day beating myself up over the fact that 1. I gained the weight back, 2. that I was shallow enough to allow that to stop me from going, and 3. feeling guilty that I let my friend down. 

All this time I've been thinking that last year was such a failure, and that I was a failure because of it. But I'm slowly coming to think of it more like layers. Last year was just the first layer. I did a lot of needed work, but it was just the surface of what really needs to be done. And that's okay. THAT"S OKAY SAM! I just need to keep thinking that over and over. That's okay!

I think the biggest thing I took away from this moment on the show, was that I let way too many things effect me. I let myself get pushed down way too often, and most the time, it's me pushing me down. I need to start standing up to these thoughts again. I know that was a big part of last years battle. And it's not over, the battle continues as I work on eradicating those thoughts. I am a fighter, and I will keep fighting until it's won!

 I made some awful eating choices today. And on my way home, I had some plans of what I would do. But I got home and I just wanted to sleep. I am so tired all of the time! I think there is something really wrong with my hormones. I'm sure that is pretty obvious and I'm the last to see it. I'm going to go see my doctor and figure out what is going on.

Also, I was reading my scriptures today and came across a scripture that said to "strip yourselves of uncleanliness". I got thinking about that word, uncleanliness, and how it would apply in my life. I've already spoke a lot about the inner vessel and my spirit. But I realized that it also means two other things that cannot be negelected. One is my environment. I am not a great house keeper. And I think that this can bring me (and I think Mike) down. It's hard to feel good, and feel the Spirit when your living in a mess all the time. 

The other is my eating. I was not thinking about dieting particularly, but what the food I'm eating is doing to my insides. Is it clean food that will help my body run well? That will keep my insides healthy and pink? That will give me energy and help me not be tired? The answer is a big fat no. I still do not plan on imposing dieting rules on myself, because I'm just not up for it. But I do want to strive more often to eat for energy, not just for convience or taste. I'm so tired of being tired. I want to do things, but it's like I have no energy to do them. I can have some impact on that with my choices. I am a fighter. And I can make better choices. 

At the end of the day, I do think this life, my life, is worth fighting for. My relationship with God, Mike, the rest of our families are worth fighting for. 

I am worth fighting for. I AM worth fighting for. I AM WORTH FIGHTING FOR!!!!!!!!

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Tuesday, March 8, 2011

You don't always get what you expect...

So, I'm thinking I'm going through a mid life crisis 10 years to early. :) I fell in love with that song, Firework by Katy Perry (The one I posted in my last post). In the real video she has this gorgeous long dark hair with purple streaks. I thought, I could do that. I would like to do that. I want to do that. I think I'm going to do that. And before I know it, I'm at the store picking out hair dye. I would have gone to my hair stylist, I wanted to really, but that is to expensive for us right now, so I had to settle for doing it myself. I thought if I could get it the right color on my own, then maybe I can go to her to help me add some small peek-a-boo purple highlights. My biggest concern was being a good example for the young women, so I haven't decided if I'll really go through with that part. So last night Mike and I picked out some dye. He found one that was a soft black with red highlights. I thought that would be perfect. My hair is light enough, I didn't really expect it to go black, just a darker brown with auburn highlights. Well, if you've ever dyed your own hair, you know, you don't always get what you expect!!


What do you think???! My eyebrows need some help and to be darker for sure, I'll work on that! 

Anyway, it's been fun. Today I was journaling on why I felt the need to make such a drastic change (I've started an actual journal). I think it's because I know that there is a lot of change that needs to happen. Here is the thing, I KNOW that if I dieted, or even just watched my food intake with intent and exercised for a long enough time period, I would lose weight. But I also know with out a shadow of a doubt it would just come back. I'm starting to see that second fact is not because I'm a failure. It's because there is more going on here. There are deeper issues that need to be worked through so that when I do get to the point that I'm ready to start working on my body's health, it will finally be able to stick. And I KNOW that these kinds of changes don't happen overnight. As much as we want them to. I want to wake up tomorrow healed. I want the traumas of my childhood to be gone. I want my relationship issues to be history. I want my weaknesses to all magically be strengths that help me help others. But it's not going to work like that. And if I act like it is, then I'm not really doing the work to cleanse my inner vessel and I'll end up right back here again another day. And I DO NOT WANT THAT. I never want to be here again. So instead of rushing my way through it, I changed something I could change right away. That I could have some control over (although apparently not a lot of control! :D ). And funny enough, this silly change brought on some helpful thoughts for me in my quest to cleanse. Who would have thought a $8 box of smelly stuff could do that much?! 

Have you ever made a drastic hair change?

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