I know that there is a lot of controversy over the Biggest Loser. Personally I don't think it's realistic AT ALL. And the weight loss portion - I like to see the before and after, but watching them lose that fast really doesn't do it for me. But the parts I do like, and that I do learn from, are the parts where they process their feelings. Sometimes it feels a little forced, or staged. But you can also tell when they are having a real moment, when it wasn't planned, and when the emotions are real.
This last episode had a moment like that, and I found it very... thought provoking. This player Justin (one of the big guys) was working with Cara, one of the new trainers. And she told him she was going to push him down 100 times and she wanted to see if he would keep getting up. So they start and she keeps pushing him down, which was pretty impressive considering how tiny she is. And he was all laughing and making a game of it and how easy it was and that he could do it all day. At that point I was thinking the moral of the story is, when you get pushed down, get back up. Don't stay down!
This lead me to some thinking on times in my life when I've been pushed down, and I haven't gotten back up. Or when it took me a while to get back up. Or when I jumped right up. Just thinking about my life in general. Honestly, this winter, I wasn't sure I'd be able to get back up. My momentum is building, but there are still moments where I think... I can't do it. I'm tired. I don't want to fight any more. I don't want to care anymore, because it hurts to care and fail. Or that it's so easy to be numb and thoughtless/careless. I dwelled a lot on that kind of thinking, and that lead to even more thoughts like that. This stuff feeds on itself and breeds like bunnies! It's been one of the toughest times I've ever had to pull myself out. I'm not out of the woods yet, but... getting there.
So then Cara starts yelling things at him. Like she doesn't believe in him. She doesn't think he can win. She doesn't think he can make it at home. That he will gain all his weight back at home. That he will fail.
And that got me thinking about how we are constantly bombarded with these thoughts. Media, TV, Movies, friends that mean well, sometimes family, and probably most of all - ourselves. I think the person I am the most hard on, the most demanding of, the slowest to forgive, and the fastest to criticize - is myself. Why is that? Why do we always jump right to beating ourselves up. I think it's because Satan knows that is the best and fastest way to keep us down. Because our beliefs become our thoughts, our thoughts become our actions, our actions become who we are. So if he can head us off at the start, it's that much easier to keep us down.
All of the sudden, Justin is fighting back. It's like he finally realizes, yeah, I gotta get back up when I get pushed down - but even more then that, I don't have to let someone push me down. Or something, I don't have to go down unless I allow it. And all of the sudden he is standing strong and she can't budge him. And he is yelling in her face over and over "I Am A Fighter!!!!!".
I'm such a people pleaser. I do so many things because I want to please someone. Or the other way around, I hide from people. Last weekend there was an event I should have gone to, but I was ashamed of having gained all my weight. So I let another event be an excuse of why I couldn't go and support a friend. And then spent most the day beating myself up over the fact that 1. I gained the weight back, 2. that I was shallow enough to allow that to stop me from going, and 3. feeling guilty that I let my friend down.
All this time I've been thinking that last year was such a failure, and that I was a failure because of it. But I'm slowly coming to think of it more like layers. Last year was just the first layer. I did a lot of needed work, but it was just the surface of what really needs to be done. And that's okay. THAT"S OKAY SAM! I just need to keep thinking that over and over. That's okay!
I think the biggest thing I took away from this moment on the show, was that I let way too many things effect me. I let myself get pushed down way too often, and most the time, it's me pushing me down. I need to start standing up to these thoughts again. I know that was a big part of last years battle. And it's not over, the battle continues as I work on eradicating those thoughts. I am a fighter, and I will keep fighting until it's won!
I made some awful eating choices today. And on my way home, I had some plans of what I would do. But I got home and I just wanted to sleep. I am so tired all of the time! I think there is something really wrong with my hormones. I'm sure that is pretty obvious and I'm the last to see it. I'm going to go see my doctor and figure out what is going on.
Also, I was reading my scriptures today and came across a scripture that said to "strip yourselves of uncleanliness". I got thinking about that word, uncleanliness, and how it would apply in my life. I've already spoke a lot about the inner vessel and my spirit. But I realized that it also means two other things that cannot be negelected. One is my environment. I am not a great house keeper. And I think that this can bring me (and I think Mike) down. It's hard to feel good, and feel the Spirit when your living in a mess all the time.
The other is my eating. I was not thinking about dieting particularly, but what the food I'm eating is doing to my insides. Is it clean food that will help my body run well? That will keep my insides healthy and pink? That will give me energy and help me not be tired? The answer is a big fat no. I still do not plan on imposing dieting rules on myself, because I'm just not up for it. But I do want to strive more often to eat for energy, not just for convience or taste. I'm so tired of being tired. I want to do things, but it's like I have no energy to do them. I can have some impact on that with my choices. I am a fighter. And I can make better choices.
At the end of the day, I do think this life, my life, is worth fighting for. My relationship with God, Mike, the rest of our families are worth fighting for.
I am worth fighting for. I AM worth fighting for. I AM WORTH FIGHTING FOR!!!!!!!!