Wednesday, December 26, 2012

It's a Girl!!

I knew it all along. :) People have asked me if I cried at the ultra sound, I didn't because I knew in my heart for a long time it was a girl. I was just ready to have it confirmed. Mike finally admitted that all along he thought it was a girl too. We couldn't be happier!! It's been so fun to tell our family and friends. Almost 90% of everyone we talked to had thought it was a girl too.

We have a few names we are thinking about. Mike's favorite is Humberta. I really like Sparkle or Rainbow. :D Just kidding! We do like Emmaline, Bethany, Ana, and Emily. I like Emmaline best, but we haven't settled on anything yet. 

She is healthy and has a really strong heart beat. During the utlra-sound it was 159 beats per minute. This wasn't the full ultra-sound where they look at everything though, that is on January 2nd. I'm excited we get to see her again so soon and especially to have all her little parts looked at to make sure she is well. My favorite was seeing the profile of her little button nose. I can't wait to kiss it!!!

Things are going pretty well with my health. I am feeling better each day. I am still throwing up now and then, but not nearly as often. And the stomach aches are settling a little too - that is really nice! I did get the flu last week and that was a bummer for a couple of days. I've never had it as an adult - and hope I never do again. But I got over it pretty quickly for which I'm grateful. I'm going to have to get that flu shot soon. :( Unfortunately Mike came down with it on Christmas Eve and missed out on all the Christmas activities.

Funny story - I had just gotten out of the shower and had my towel around me. I was going downstairs to get some under clothes and all of the sudden I had to throw up (I hadn't eaten anything yet). So I ran to the our guest bathroom. Now the great thing about this bathroom is the tub is right by the toilet so usually if I need to go to the bathroom and throw up it's not an issue. But I started to throw up and all of the sudden I'm peeing myself. hahahaha Probably too much info, but it was so funny. Luckily I was still naked, so I just stepped in the shower when I was done and then cleaned up the floor. The whole time cracking up at myself. Oh the joys!

The last couple of days I've been feeling very full in my lower tummy. I haven't felt the baby move. But this definitely feels like all of the sudden there is something in there. I'm excited to actually feel her move!

I don't know how it feels for most women as they gain weight while pregnant, but I kind of expected to be panicked to see the scale go up. But it really hasn't bothered me at all. I do think a lot about after she comes and about the time (I know I have to wait for a while and can't start right away) when I can start working on getting fit again. I'm feeling very motivated to do that. I want to be an active mommy that eats well and teaches her to have a good relationship with food. I want to swim and jog and hike and bike and with her, and to live life to the fullest. I have this rosy picture in my head of what 2010 was kind of like. Not just that I was losing weight - although that was nice. It was more than that - I felt alive. I loved the way I felt in my body. I'm ready to feel that way again. I haven't been great about exercising while pregnant - partly due to being so sick. I think if I start that again - lightly - it will really help me feel better and have more energy. So in January I think I'm going to start walking, swimming, and doing my 10 min videos. It feels good to have a goal again. :D

We left the ultra-sound pictures in Price, but as soon as I get them back I will post some! Until then - I hope everyone had a very Merry Christmas and enjoyed their family time!!

Thursday, December 20, 2012

Come what may.... and we will love it!

Today we go to have our next appointment with the research study and they will do an ultra sound. As of yesterday I am 18 weeks along, and we are hoping that they will be able to tell us the sex. We thought that would be the perfect Christmas present! We were going to wait until Christmas to tell the family, but decided that we can't wait! 

I have felt from the beginning that we would have a girl. Even through all the different times we thought maybe we were pregnant (before peeing on a stick to confirm we weren't) I always thought it would be a be a girl. Pretty much everyone we have talked with about this - feels it's a girl. And my dad is absolutely adamant that it's a girl. All that Mike will say - twins. Haha. As we have seen the heartbeat twice already I feel pretty confident that there is only one heartbeat. :) 

People always ask if I have a preference. And the honest truth - I don't. While I do feel like and think it's a girl, the truth is I am just so thrilled with the fact that we are having a baby that we will love whoever this little person is -- boy or girl. I can't wait to hold and love this little person. To teach it all we know, and hopefully learn a lot together along the way. Come what may - there will be lots of love in this home!

Thursday, November 29, 2012

2nd Trimester here we come!

I thought it might be time for another update. As of today I am 15 weeks and am officially starting my 2nd trimester (I think. Hahah - still not sure on how all this works). 

We have our next appointment on the 5th, but we won't get to have the ultrasound until next time in January. But luckily - we are participating in a research study that includes three appointments and an ultrasound at each. :D So we are looking forward to seeing our little spud/spudette and make sure he/she is healthy and well. And we are hoping to find out the sex on Dec 20th!! Just in time for Christmas!

My health is starting to do better. I'm not throwing up anymore (THANKFULLY) and I'm hardly nauseous anymore. I still have a hard time with smells - so if I do throw up, it usually has to do with that.  Although the other day I did the dishes and cleaned out the fridge - I was quite proud. My biggest problem right now is acid reflux and heartburn. But I'm told that's very very common. So I just deal the best I can. I'm exhausted all the time, but again just managing with it. :) 

Mike has been so amazing - I am blessed with the most loving and caring husband!! He is as much a part of this as I am. I couldn't function without him. He has really pitched in with everything while I've been so sick (and he helps all the time anyway). Grocery shopping, laundry, cooking, cleaning, and lots of hugs. I love him and he is going to be the best daddy. I can't wait to see him hold our little baby.

I'm starting to show a bit, although truthfully it looks like I'm just gaining weight. I guess that's how it goes when your overweight. According to my scale today, I've only gained 1lb. Well, I lost 5lbs in the first month after I found out, and then gained it back. So I'm up 1lb from my starting weight. So I'm kind of up 6lbs? I don't really know how that works. But it feels like I've gained 10lbs or more from my starting weight. My pants are starting not to fit. We went to a movie the other day and once the lights went out I had to undo my pants. :) A little awkward. Now I'm learning the tricks of using hair ties on my buttons. And I hear belly bands are good - although I haven't picked one up yet. 

Mike and I went shopping to look at car seats, and strollers, and pack and plays - oh my! When we were engaged we went to Bed Bath & Beyond to register. We walked in the store - looked around for about 5 months and then left. It was just too overwhelming! This shopping trip felt a bit like that. We didn't walk out after 5 minutes. But talk about overwhelming. My biggest question for now - what to have the baby sleep in for the first month or two? I think we are leaning toward a Pack and Play. Thoughts? 

Well - that's where we are at.  Looking forward to the 20th - and I'll post again then!

Thursday, November 22, 2012

I'd be so ungrateful....

To not take a moment on this day to share my gratitude for the many many blessings we've been given. My thoughts and heart have been very full this week as I have contemplated life, God, and his tender mercies. This truly has been a huge year for this little family. So let me wipe away the tears that are already flowing and see if I can get through this. 

I am so grateful for my sweet husband. He has such a big heart and always is trying to help others. He is such an example to me of what being kind and giving is. He works so hard to provide for us. And especially in the last couple of months - he has really pitched in and done SOOOO much while I've been sick. He works hard in his calling and is a man of God. I'm grateful for the priesthood he holds and is worthy of. He loves me despite my flaws and I will forever be grateful he is mine. I love him with all my heart! 

Serving the young women is such a joy and I learn something every time I am with those girls. I am so grateful for the leaders I have been blessed to serve with - both from this presidency and the previous one. I truly have learned so much from these women and have been strengthened by their testimonies. I am very grateful to the president that I served under before I was called. Her leadership and grace taught me a lot about what it is to be a leader and I am grateful for her example of love and service.

I'm grateful for the promotion and raise that Mike received this year. We have been so blessed to both have jobs and this is something I really try hard not to take for granted.  With this raise we should be able to finally get out of debt and to be able to better provide for our family. And hopefully it will lead to me being able to work part time so I can stay home with our kids. 

I am grateful for Christmas music. 

I am grateful for Willow - she can be such a pill sometimes, but she brings a lot of love and silliness into our lives. 

I am so grateful for my job. It was a tough decision to leave Mozy and to go to Stevens Henager. It was a big pay cut, and we were worried that would cause problems. But it truly has been such a blessing. Working from home for a good portion of the time was wonderful. This year I moved to a different department and I love this job! It is perfect for me. I'm so grateful for a flexible schedule and a boss that has been so understanding through out my first trimester.

I'm grateful that for whatever reason, my body decided to start working this year. I'm grateful for the four periods I had and to be a woman. I'm grateful for the emotional work I've been able to do with my hypnotherapist and for the freedom that has given me. I'm grateful for my body and all that it allows me to do. Including, but not limited to - carrying our first child. I am grateful that the Lord has blessed us to get pregnant on our own and that we didn't have to do (and pay for) fertility treatments. And even so I am grateful those treatments are available as they have blessed many I know and love. It has been a good year.

I am so so so so grateful for all of our family and friends. Much love to them all! 

There is so much more, but I'm going to end with one more. This year my testimony has grown alot. I have come to know my Savior on a deeper level then I ever have before. The last couple of years have been trying on several different levels. The other night I learned about something and it kind of was the straw that broke the camels back. I allowed myself a small pity party of tears. And as I laid there wondering if someone would always hate me I saw in my minds eye a very clear and distinct picture of Christ. I saw him in the garden of Gethsemane, on trial, and finally on the cross. He was hated and despised by so many. And yet, he did not have pity parties and  he did not have anger in his heart. Instead he felt love and forgiveness for these people who knew not what they were doing. He knew of his own self worth and value of being God's son and that overruled what others thought. I felt his love in that moment and it was like he was in the room. I felt that love he had for them and it spread to the people I felt wronged by. His self assurance became my own as I felt the love of God fill my heart. I was able to find forgiveness for them and peace for myself. I am grateful to know that he is my Savior. That he died for my many sins, and for all those that I love.

Happy thanksgiving to all - may it be a day and year filled with love!


Sunday, October 28, 2012

Being Pregnant...

Is not really at all what I thought it was going to be. I thought it was supposed to be all roses and puppy dogs, cute baby outfits and designing a baby nursery. Wonderful moments of having a darling baby bump and that pretty "pregnancy glow". Turns out that glow - is really just the sheen of sweat after having thrown up... again. Hahahahaha 

Okay - I didn't really think it would be so sweet and pain free - I mean I'm naive, but not that naive. I have always had a sensitive nose and stomach, so I pretty much figured I would be dealing with morning sickness. Although that name is not really accurate. In my case it's been all day and then some sickness. I've enjoyed nausea pretty much since the day we took the test. I haven't had too much vomiting - for which I am grateful. I do feel like I could vomit all the time - so maybe that's worse. Haha, I'm not sure. By the way - isn't vomit just a horrible word???!!!

I'm lucky that I have a job that can go mobile - so I've been able to work from home - which I am so grateful for! So I've been working at home for about three weeks. This has made it much easier for me. I'm able to take a nap during the day and still get my hours in. I love my job!! My boss has been absolutely fantastic and understanding and that is an amazing blessing too!

My sleep patterns are so strange these days. For a while I was going to sleep at 10:30 and getting up about 8:30-9. Usually when I would sleep that long I would be all groggy - but not now. Its like it was just right. Except I would wake up several times. Then for a while I couldn't sleep at all. The only good sleep I would get would be for a couple hours in the morning - and during a nap in the day. For the last couple of nights the acid and heartburn have been so bad that I've not been able to get to sleep until 1am. Last night I was able to go to sleep about 10:30 - but I woke up at 4:30 and was awake for a good hour or so. 

Mike has been so wonderful! I can't really stand going in the kitchen much and he has been really helpful to keep it clean, to grocery shop, and to help me as much as he can. Last night at the Halloween carnival for our ward I had so much fun watching him with the little kids. He is going to be such a loving and playful dad - I can't wait! 

My emotions have started to get a little wild. A couple nights ago Mike and I were watching The Family Stone. And I could not stop crying - I just kept feeling so bad for the main character. And there was one part that I just lost it - like uncontrollable tears. And I was trying to hide it because I knew that it didn't make sense for me to be that upset at that moment. But he saw - and we both had a good laugh (while I continued to cry). It really was pretty funny. 

We've had two ultra-sounds. The second one we got to hear and see the heartbeat. The fetus looks like a little gummy bear. But the heart beat was strong and all appears to be well. 

The last two days - I've felt a tiny bit better and have been able to get out and be a part of the living a little - so that's been nice. I hope this continues and I'll be able to work some hours in the office. 

Well that's all for now!

Tuesday, October 16, 2012

Excited to announce....

Written on Sept 27th:
Last night I found out.... that...

I am pregnant!!!!!

I don't know if anyone reads this anymore - but I'm posting this because one, I want to scream it from the roof tops - but that seems a bit extreme - so I'll settle for Facebook and my blog. And two, I wanted to get this down so I could look back and remember what happened and how I feel on this day.

For the last three weeks I have been cramping pretty bad. I had gone off and on my meds - which can definitely cause some cramping so I just figured that was what was happening. Then for the last three days or so, I've been nauseous. Mike suggested that I take a pregnancy test. I was very quick to stomp on that idea - and quickly stated "I am not pregnant". On the third day, I left work I was feeling so sick. Right as I was leaving - my friend asked me if maybe I was pregnant. Even more emphatically I told her - I'm NOT pregnant! For years I have taken pregnancy tests and been devastated with the results every time. I pretty much stopped doing it the last year or two. Knowing that when I finally saw a positive test - it would be because we were working with a fertility Dr and I would know exactly when to test. On the way home - trying not to throw up - I remembered I did have one test left from a couple of years ago. I decided to pee on it - if nothing else to be able to tell everyone that's not what was going on.

I got home - and didn't take the test. Haha, I kept avoiding it all night. Drinking lots of water, but then conveniently forgetting to take the test each time. Finally we were getting ready for bed. I had promised Mike I would take it, so I knew I couldn't put it off anymore. So in the bathroom I went. It was a digital test, and once you pee on it, it has a little hour glass thing, so I just did my thing getting ready for bed. And I was COMPLETELY shocked when I went back to look and it said "Pregnant". I even tapped it to see if the digital piece was malfunctioning. I just stared at it - for about a minute. Mike was already in bed, so I stepped out of the bathroom just staring at it. He asked and I just silently handed him the test. He was so cute - smiling he was trying to guage my reaction and how he should respond, but at the same time I could tell he was excited. Me - I just started bawling.

I instantly remembered the fact that I have been having pretty severe cramping for three weeks. I mean we are talking cramps you would get in the middle of your period. The kind that go into your legs and double you over in pain and I've been having them hourly. And I just instantly assumed the worst - I'm having a miscarriage. After Mike let me cry for a minute he calmed me down. We went up to my parents and told them the news. They didn't believe me at first and thought I was joking - probably cause that's something I would do. :D Anyway, after they knew it was for real they were ecstatic! Then Mike gave me beautiful, tender, and loving blessing and I felt SOOO much better! I'm still cramping, but not near as bad. On the way home we stopped and bought a box of three tests (I've peed on them all and they were all positive).

I can't believe it - I'm pregnant.

I called the Dr on Monday morning to try and get in and had to make an appointment for the 8th. She did assure me that cramping is completely normal and as long as there isn't any bleeding I shouldn't be concerned and can take some Tylenol to help with the pain. That helps a lot and I have calmed down. :) I am still really nauseous - every day pretty much all day. That part sucks.... but .... I'm pregnant, so it's okay.

I was honestly starting to doubt that this would ever happen. And I figured it would take $10,000 or more in fertility treatments to get here. The thing I feel the most - is gratitude (and overwhelmed). I feel so grateful that the Lord would bless us like this. It's so huge, I can't even put it into words adequately. I feel grateful for such an amazing, kind, and supportive husband who has put up with so much - and will probably continue to have to put up with a lot. The last 5 -6 years have been pretty rough when it comes to kids and babies. There have been so many times where we would hear something or see something and all of the sudden I'm crying and he wouldn't know why. And I always hated telling him it's because of something to do with a baby. I've left nearly every baby shower I've attended sobbing - for years. This truly is such a painful experience for a woman (and for Men too - I think they just handle it differently) to go through - wanting so bad to be a mother and not being able to. Wondering if it's because you're not worthy, because you would be a bad mother and God doesn't trust you, or if there is something fundamentally wrong with you (both physically and emotionally - or as a whole person).

People are probably so confused by me. Often asking if I want to hold their baby - and me always saying no. Part of it is that I've always been shy around them - never having been around them growing up (I was the baby in the family and didn't babysit much). But mostly it's because it hurt too much. I remember one Sunday, I was sitting next to this lady who was holding her baby boy. During the lesson she just thrust him into my arms and I couldn't say no. And as I gazed down at that beautiful little soul - the spirit spoke to me that I just need to be patient. I'm sure that mom was pretty surprised to look over and see tears streaming down my face.

It's been a long road. And I know that it's really just beginning. And that's where being overwhelmed comes in. For so long, reading anything, seeing anything, or touching anything that had to do with babies was so painful I just avoided it. Looking back I see that I was a bit foolish. Because I don't know ANYTHING!! I've got the next 9 months to study up and be as ready as one can ever be - which I would assume is not at all. :D

And the adventure begins!

For those out there who are still waiting for this adventure - I won't pretend to have all the answers now that I have this little stick magically say pregnant. But I will say this - you are worthy. Just as I am worthy. God does trust us, and your time will come. As I look back over the years, I'm so so so grateful that the Lord knows me and that I've had these years to grow and change and to become a better person. I'm not done - there is still SOOOOOO much to learn to truly become the person I know I can be. But I know without a doubt that I will be a much better mother now than I would have been if this had happened on my time table. I guess what I'm saying is that as hard as it is - continue to place your trust and faith in the plan our Heavenly Father has for you. It's never what we expect it to be - but as my good friend always says - be prepared to be amazed!

Wednesday, August 22, 2012

Making a come back

Well it's been a while, but here I am. My bestest ever friend (who just turned the big 30 - happy birthday!!!!), Ana, started bogging again and I think I'll follow her example. I think I might try blogging more - rather than hardly ever. So here goes...

I feel the need to give an update on whats going on in my life. Mostly because this is pretty much the only journal I have and someday I still want to print out all my posts. If your only reading for the weight loss stuff - skip to the bottom. :)

I currently work at Stevens Henager in the Registrar office. I love this job - it's very detailed and is challenging. And yet it still allows me to listen to audio books when doing certain tasks - so that's nice too. :D 

I am the Young Woman president in my ward, and that keeps my nights and weekends very busy. We just got home from Youth Conference (a 3 day outing with both the young men and women) and it was a blast!! These kids just totally amaze me!! 

We hired a dog trainer for Willow and we do that once a week and she LOVES it. Greg (her trainer - or I should say our trainer, since he is training us to train her) has an obstacle course that we take her on and it's so good for her. Her behavior is so much better now and continues to get better daily. We considered getting a second dog for a while, but have decided to hold off for now. 

So far I've had four periods this year - which is HUGE! When you only have one a year for about 6 or 7 years, any period deserves a celebration. The fact that the last two were 30 days apart - well you can imagine the excitement! I'll be going to the Dr soon for the yearly checkups, and to see how my numbers are doing. I know they are going to tell me to lose weight, but I have to say even with my weight, I feel like things are going in a good direction. 

Mike was promoted at work to a Manager over a new team and is doing fantastic! I'm so proud of him, as he has worked really really hard to get to this position. He has been one of their top reps for so long and it is nice to finally see him be recognized. It also didn't hurt that he has been compensated for this new position quite well!! :D 

The opportunity to have a baby is coming ever closer! I know that we could have probably made it happen a long time ago. And sometimes that hurts my heart. But I know there are many reasons that we haven't so I'm choosing not to dwell on that, but to look forward to what is to come. With the periods I've been having and the raise that Mike got, I expect that we are being prepared. Until it happens (with some help of course - we'll be getting some testing done soon) we'll keep working on paying off our debt and preparing ourselves spiritually.

I have been in a holding pattern with my weight pretty much for two years. I've had a couple of good spots - like when I was working with the hypnotherapist. But for the most part I've been holding steady at 230ish lbs. I still struggle with binging and controlling what I'm eating. I've recently come to the realization that I have been closing myself off to many good things in my life. Over the last few days the Spirit has really been working on me. While it's been super painful - it's also been so eyeopening and refreshing. I'm moving forward.

Mike and I joined WW together, I'm pretty excited about that. I think doing it together will be really good for us. Good to learn better habits, good to cheer each other on, just good. :) I will NOT quit until I reach goal. No matter what. Never - ever. But seriously, I have quit so many times - I just have to finish this. I posted a note on  my desk this week that says "If you're tired of starting over, stop giving up". No more giving up. Just picking myself up and moving forward.

Well - that's everything... for now.

Monday, June 25, 2012

Going Crazy....

Well things here in my world are good! I just got home from Girls Camp with our ward and we had a delightful time! Everything went really smoothly, the girls all got along great and had a ton of fun, and we ate like queens! Most especially the spirit was bountiful and I think all were touched at some point. It was a great camp. It's always bitter sweet coming home. Part of you is dying for a shower, bed, and to veg. And the other part of you never wants it to end - even though it always does.

Lots of changes going on in my life right now - just the way I like it. :) I don't know why I love change so much! I should probably examine that someday - but not today. I changed positions at work and I am loving my new job. I am now in the Registrar office. It will take about 6 months for me to get fully trained, there are a lot of little details to learn. I get to work with a friend from a previous job - which I love! And I am no longer on the phones. Woo hoo! Also, I get to choose my own schedule, that is lovely - considering it seems changes each week depending on what we are doing in YW. Also, I've been working  from home - and now I am working in the office. This is a big change, and I'm adjusting as best I can.

Things in the eating realm are still pretty good. I stopped counting how many days I was binge free. I have gone up and down a little, but still better than it's been in years. We've been juicing and making smoothies a lot, and that is fun. My whole family has gotten in to it (my parents and brothers). It's fun to have that in common and to see all of us trying to be healthier. Mike and I are going to do a juice fast, so that should be interesting. Right now we are just working on making small changes to better what we eat. Last week we cut out sugar and fast food. This week we are increasing our veggie/fruit intake. We are also juicing/smoothies/whole fruits & veggies for two meals a day. Today is the first day of that and it's going well. I have a slight headache, but they say that is normal and will pass. Trying to tough it out. :D Looking forward to steak and broccoli tonight! 

Sunday, April 29, 2012

45 Days - Really?!!

So you are probably thinking I'm going to say I'm 45 days binge free. Well - I'm not. I'm 60 days binge free tomorrow. :D So what is the 45 days you ask? Well - as usual - here comes too much info....

Because I started my period. 

Yep, that's right - and it has to be celebrated!!! For the last 6 years I have only had one a year. Kind of makes it hard to plan having a baby. Last year's was in Aug - during girls camp OF COURSE! So you can imagine my surprise when Aunt Flow showed up on March 15th. That is only 7 months apart and I was pretty excited. Most women probably do not jump for joy - but yesterday - a short 45 days later - you better believe there was some jumping and some joy! 2 in one year??!! And so close!

And my favorite part was when I told my parents - my dad got really excited and said "Grandbabies - we are going to have more grandbabies!!!!" It was such a good feeling to feel like it really is going to happen. And that we really will get to be parents. And I'm really not broken. And we really can grow our little family. As much as you try to stay positive and happy on the outside, there is always a little doubt in the back of your mind. I know that we still have a ways to go to actually get there, I feel like we are finally.... finally on the road that will get us there! And I couldn't be more grateful!! 

Saturday, March 31, 2012

Peace, I've found some

As a young girl, I always thought I was overweight. My elementary years were riddled with girl fights and pain - girls can be so mean (myself included).  I think I started thinking about weight loss in Jr High - 7th or 8th grade. And each year, it got worse and worse. And my feelings of being different became stronger and stronger.

When I was in 8th and 9th grade I really started to pull back socially. I started to hide a lot, to eat a lot, and to wear a lot of masks. Pretending to be one thing, when really I was another. I became terrified of what others would think of me. Petrified that they would talk about me. And scared of what they would say to me. And I started to have anxiety about going into group settings. Even as an adult - I have really struggled with this. A lot of these feelings and fears were brought on by my own actions. Some were brought on by the way I was treated by others (and the way I treated them). And a lot of them were the stories I made up in my head about what I thought others were thinking - saying -doing, when really they weren't doing any such thing. 

Moving into my adult years, I stopped wearing so many masks. But I continued to worry about what people thought of me. I continued to let that drive the way I lived my life. And all that weight I was so worried about as a child and teen - it really started to pile on. Funny enough - if I look back at pictures of me as a child and teen, now I realize, I wasn't overweight at all. I was just taller then most girls, and bigger in stature.

My adult life has been spent dwelling over my weight issues, and attempting to diet it all away. Trying to figure out "Why" and mostly just spinning around in circles. All the while making life for my sweet husband less then enjoyable, hurting others that I love, and mostly beating up myself for not being able to "fix me". Each new friend, each new person I would meet, I allowed them all to tie themselves to me. So that they could whip me around, and whip my emotions around, and control me. Whether they meant to or not - I allowed that. I cared more about what they thought, then what I thought- or what God thought. 

Somewhere along the way, I figured out that food doesn't judge me. It doesn't think about me, or say bad things about me to others. And that when I'm eating - I didn't have to think about things. I didn't have to worry about all this, I didn't have to think about how I fall short in my life. It was just me - and the food. It became my escape. Especially once I had a car, and a job. I started eating, and eating a lot! And once I moved out on my own - I went from eating a lot, to binging. I didn't know it at the time. I just knew that I was lonely, sad, and afraid. And food made me feel better.

It wasn't really until this last year that I realized that I had a binging problem. I had a food addiction. And it was running my life. Sometimes I don't think we realize how tied together everything is. If you're like me, I tend to compartmentalize things. This is my weight loss box, and my money box, and my relationship with husband box, and my relationship with friends box, my depression box, etc. But the truth is, they are all in one big box. They are all intertwined, and one affects the other - whether you want them to or not. 

Mike and I are working to get out of debt. We are working with a couple in our ward who are teaching us how to work with a budget. We started working with them in Oct or Nov of last year. We worked with them every week to get it all set up, and were going to officially start living it in January. January came - but... we didn't do so hot. In fact, we pretty much continued living the way we are. Bills are all paid, but we were living in a way that would not help us get out of debt. In February, we went back and told them what happened. We asked for help again. We really do want to do this. 

As we sat at their kitchen table, and started planning again, I felt really melancholy. And finally I admitted to them that I think one of the problems of why we weren't and aren't staying on budget, is because of my binging. And here is where the despair (and tears) really set in. Because it wasn't like I haven't tried to be rid of it! I have done everything I know how to do. I have tried umpteen diets, I have tried non-diets, I have tried Over-eaters Anonymous (OA), I've considered weight loss surgery. But it just keeps coming back. With OA, I think I got to 14 days with out a binge, but that was the longest I ever went. And it was a fight the entire 14 days not to binge. So I sat there, in front of this couple and my husband - talking about money - but crying because my food issues were the problem. Again - all one big box! 

Luckily, my husband is amazing! And so is this couple! So instantly there was love, and kindness showered on me. They had compassion and told me it's okay. Sis. C suggested that in March, instead of working on the budget, we deal with this first. Sis. C is a hypnotherapist. She offered to work with me as a part of the budget help. She gave me a book to start reading to help me understand how it all works, and we set our first appointment. 

A word on hypnotism. I never really thought of this as an option, or as something that could help me. It always kind of seemed hokey to me and a cop out. Which is funny, because the real cop out is binging. Anyway, over the months of working with Sis. C, she would share little stories with us, or little tid bits. And I started to realize that it was not what I had always thought it was. It is about learning to calm your mind. About learning to get your conscious and sub conscious on the same page. I have never felt so safe. 

My first appointment came, and I was anxious. Hoping it was going to help, having doubts that it would. We talked for about an hour, and I shared with her a lot of the story above. Then she put me in a state of relaxation and walked me through emptying out all of the negative emotions. I cried through the entire thing. Because it was so real - I really felt those things leaving me. She helped me cut the ties to others. The ties I spoke of before, that had me so worried about what others were thinking of me. And then she woke me up. It was probably only about 10 min. And not a word was spoken of, while in relaxation, of my binging. But afterward she told me that I would not binge any more. I would not feel compelled to, and that I no longer needed it. Because I was not tied to anyone - unless I chose to - that my emotions and feelings are my own now. That I don't have to worry about what others think. 

That was on 3/1/2012. I have not binged since that day. Yesterday marked my 30th day that I am binge free. I have not made any changes, except that now I stop eating when I'm full, and I eat what I'm craving. I have lost between 5-8lbs (not sure exactly how much) since 3/1. My clothes are already fitting me differently.

I met with Sis C. two more times, and that is it. She says it doesn't need to be a drawn out process, we only needed to tweak a few things. The amazing thing, is that those little tweaks have changed my entire life! I no longer dwell on food. I no longer panic when I have something I really want to keep eating. When I'm full, I just stop. I don't even think about it! But even more then that - there are other changes. I don't feel ANY guilt for eating something I want. I don't feel ANY desire to diet. I don't feel this huge burning sense of urgency that I MUST lose weight for me to be happy. I do feel... happy. I do feel loved. I do feel love. I do feel confident in wearing what I want to wear, being who I want to be. I have gone to several group functions - that I previously would have avoided. In both cases I walked in late, chatted with lots of people there, and felt comfortable - having no anxiety. 

I just feel so free. And so alive!  About two days after the appointment, I had a major release of emotions. I sobbed for about an hour, and let go of things as old as 2nd grade, and as recent as the week before. I finally allowed myself to feel these things, and to let them go. I feel like I’ve shed probably 100lbs of weight that I’ve been carrying around with me. Weight from things people have said, things I’ve said – and thought about myself, from hurt feelings, and past mistakes. All things that I have repented of, and knew that I had been forgiven. But I had never really forgiven myself or someone else and let go of it. I feel like a whole new person. 

This is one of our engagement pictures. When I came home off my mission, I think that was a time in my life when I was the most confident about who I was. I was at a healthy weight. I cared more about what God thought, then anyone else. I had a close relationship with the spirit, and I liked myself. Anyway, this picture is at the end of my hallway and every day I would look at it and think – that’s my goal. To get back to who that person was. Physically, spiritually, mentally. Well, I’m there! I may not be physically yet – but I don’t have a worry in my heart about that. I know that it’s only a matter of time and this weight will literally melt off my body now. I don’t need it anymore. I still have lots of growing and learning to do. But it’s finally about new things I want to learn or about new things the Lord wants me to learn. I don’t feel like I need to dig around in that old muck to figure out how to get out of it. Turns out you don’t have to understand it at all! You just have to be willing to let go of it!

Also, I had a period! That may be too much info, but when you usually only have one a year, it is a big deal. Especially since it's only been 7 months since my last one. I truly believe it's because of the release that is going on inside me. I expect that they will continue as well - for which I'm joyful (and a little sorrowful as well - it's nice not having them!). And as for babies, they will come soon - this I know. I no longer fear the future.

My life is different, I am different, and I would be a fool not to take a moment to express my deep gratitude to my loving Father in Heaven. I am honestly grateful for all the experiences I've had in my life. I do not regret any of the pain or hurt, or any of the decisions I have made. I have learned so much, and hope that I will be able to help others avoid the same pitfalls I have gotten stuck in. And through out it all, I was never left alone. My Savior has always been with me, guiding me and directing me. I know without any doubt in my soul that he brought Sis C. into my life. That all of the events that happened to bring us to their home to work on our budget, were for this purpose. And that we will now be able to move forward with the budget, and change our lives financially as well. I'm so grateful for a loving Father that is attentive to our prayers and needs. I know that he lives, as does his Son. 

Today, I am grateful for so much, my cup runneth over!

Friday, February 24, 2012

For yourself!

On biggest looser this week, besides all the dumb drama, Cassandra had a real moment with Bob. She read him some of her thoughts from a journal in 2008 about herself and her fat. Personally, I could relate to all of it. It's so painful to not fit inside your own skin. To hate your own skin. To detest the person you've become. I don't feel as strongly about it as I used to - I think I've come a long way in accepting myself. I could totally relate to how difficult it was for her though, when he asked what she would say to herself now. After having had a behavior, attitude, and belief for so long - it's hard to open up and say good things to yourself.

Recently Mike, his sister, Miriam, and I were doing a photo shoot. I was chatting about how my brother wants to do a photo shoot with Mike and myself. And I was saying... "Maybe he'll wait until later this year when this and that has changed". Meaning... when I've lost weight.  Miriam said, "Maybe you should accept yourself for who you are". I'll be honest, my first instinct was to stick my tongue out at her and tell her she was wrong. But in truth - she is right. Since then I have thought about that conversation a lot! I think a part of the addiction to food - is the addiction to the someday mentality. Hoping and wishing that some day I'll be thin. Someday I'll get to wear what I like. Some day I'll be worth something. Someday I'll get pregnant. Someday I'll like myself - when I fit inside a pretty wrapped up box. Focusing on Someday is just another way for us to give away our power. To keep what we really want, at arms length. But the truth is we probably will never get to that someday if we don't get to some kind of acceptance of who we are now. As I said, I've come a long way in that department, but maybe that's where I'm really stuck. Thanks Miriam for being honest with me!

The other thing I took away from Biggest Loser this week was about getting healthy for yourself - I mean really for yourself. One of the moms (I don't know her name) was talking about how easy it is to focus on everyone else. Much easier then focusing on yourself. And that really hit me. For me this one is two sided. On the one hand, when I think of losing weight, I do think about what that would mean for Mike. I think about what that would mean for future children - and even the capability of getting them here. I focus on that a lot - especially the "I have to do this or I'll never get pregnant" part. And maybe there is truth to that - I don't know. But the question is more about what is that doing to my own self esteem. How is that really helping any of us, for me to be putting all the pressure on myself to "make" a baby, and to "make" Mike happy (especially when I think he is probably already happy with me). And at the same time putting pressure on them - and not taking any of the responsibility for the fact that maybe I just need to get healthy for me. I mean to be real - I don't want diabetes. I don't want heart disease.  I want to live! I want to be a mom and to walk by Mike's side for a very long time! Taking time out for yourself is not selfish, but sometimes it feels that way. That's the other side of this - reconciling doing something good for yourself vs. being selfish.

I realized last night that if this is ever going to happen - I mean for real, complete change of life and heart, happen - I'm going to have to take everyone else out of the equation. I have to choose to get healthy for myself. For my very own benefit, and decide that it is not selfish. Health is a gift I can give myself. And the great part about it is that when I finally accept that gift - along with the cherishing of self - an automatic benefit would be to Mike and our future family. They would get to enjoy it along with me no matter what! But if I keep pinning it on them, giving away my power, and my accountability - then none of us will ever get there.


Saturday, February 18, 2012

What do you get out of it?

I'm sure we've all heard that staying fat has a payoff. I've been thinking about this over the last few weeks and trying to determine what my payoff is. I mean if it wasn't paying off in some way - then I wouldn't continue to gain weight that I had just lost. I would just be able to lose weight and keep it off? Sounds great, right? While I don't really know if it's the magic pill - if such a Unicorn even exists, I still think it could be very helpful to understand this.

I have a few thoughts, but I wanted to know what you think? If you are overweight, what payoff are you getting by not letting go?


Tuesday, February 14, 2012

The Blue Apple

Have you seen these in your local grocery store? 

If not, look for them! I am guilty of having the best of intentions and plans when I go shopping and buy LOTS of fruits and veggies. But then inevitably the next week, I'm throwing out at least one bag full of bad produce. :( Bad on me, I know! 

So a couple of weeks ago I was at the store and saw these, and thought - what the heck, I'll give it a try. Honestly, I was a bit skeptical, but I decided it couldn't hurt. So today I got up early and went to the store - and I forgot to check my fridge to see what was still good of the produce that we hadn't eaten from last week. I had bought a green, yellow, and red pepper last week, carrots, I had some romaine lettuce from two weeks ago (when I bought the blue apples), and some spinach that I was sure had all gone bad. But today at the store I thought I would just buy some other things and hopefully those would all be okay - except the spinach, I really had no hope for that. 

I came home and went through cleaning out the fridge - and I'm not joking - all of my fruits and veggies from last week looked like they had been bought yesterday!!! Even the spinach!! I am so excited that I didn't have to throw any of it out! This was totally worth the money, you've got to try it! Here is there website to learn more, and find out how it works. 

They didn't ask me to write this review - although I would turn down free apples! :) I just wanted to share this awesome tool for others who are just doing their best to eat their fruits and veggies! Try it!