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Thursday, July 29, 2010

How I've Missed You!!!

Things have been so busy around here, that I haven't had much time to post or to read my favorite blogs. I try and sneak some reading in here or there, but it doesn't leave much time for commenting. So if you're on my blog roll, then know that I am reading and supporting from afar. I am inspired by how hard each of you pushes, the trials you go through, and the fire you have! I may have not left many comments this month, but I am still there! I have lots of great stories to share, adventures, deep thoughts, etc. I'm hoping I get some time on Saturday to do some blogging! Until then, know that I miss you!!
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Tuesday, July 27, 2010

A Short Post

Just had to prove that I could. Haha - And you thought I couldn't do it! ;) TA DA!!!
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Friday, July 23, 2010

Learning on the Trail



On Monday I went on a trail run. I think I mentioned this before, but we have been going with some people from Mike’s triathlon group. We go and everyone runs in 30 minutes and out 30 minutes on the trail. That way we can all run at our own pace and should get back out around the same time. The first time we did it, I went probably about 1.2 in and 1.2 out. When I started I got a foot cramp, so I had to walk about 10-15 minutes, and then I turned around too early, because I was concerned about being too slow. This Monday, I forgot my phone, so I didn’t have a timer with me. And seeing as I’m slower than tar, I jog by myself. Anyway, I just decided to go until I saw the first girl coming back, and then I would turn around. Because I didn’t have my phone, I don’t know the exact distance I made it, but from the feel of it, and Mike’s phone, I think I went in 2 and out 2. Woo Hoo!! I doubled my distance in one week! Have to be honest, I feel really great about that. The other thing was that I pretty much jogged the entire time! I walked maybe 5 times, and each time only for about 50 to 100 feet. So it was a really great run and I felt awesome afterward!

What was really so great is that last weekend I had gotten into some emotional eating. I was trying to keep it under wraps but I could feel my eating was slipping a little bit. I was frustrated, and wanted to just eat. So Monday we had planned to go running, and I was trying to get out of it. But Mike held strong that he was going (he didn’t push me at all, which I really appreciated, because at that point I think I would have resisted and pushed back), so I decided to go with him. I’m so glad I did! Thanks Mike! It was a good experience, I felt so amazing, it was beautiful and gave me some alone time to think. Honestly, that is one of my favorite things about running, the alone time. I realized I wasn’t willing to give up all I’ve worked for over these things I was letting make me emotional. So once again, I turned my attitude around and changed my thinking.

The trail we go on is called the Pipeline, and it is pretty much this flat winding path. There is the perfect amount of little up and down hills, but it’s mostly even the whole way. There is one part that is a straight up hill and the straight back down, that’s the hardest part. As I was coming back, I knew I wanted to run the entire way back so I had to run up the hill. As I was going up, there were some things I really focused on, that as I did, I also started applying them to my life and eating and realized you can learn a lot from jogging/running. This is what I learned or was reminded of:

1. Focus on your breathing.
2. Believe that you can do it.
3. Don’t stop.
4. Focus on the placement of your feet.
5. Believe that you can do it.
6. Don’t stop.
7. Slow down.
8. Believe that you can do it.
9. Don’t stop.
10. Acknowledge that, yes, it’s hard, but yes, you can do it!
11. Believe that you can do it.
12. Don’t stop.
13. Realize that the more difficult it is the more conditioned your body, mind, and heart become.
14. Believe that you can do it!
15. Don’t Stop!!

So as I thought of each of these things, I also thought of how they apply to my weight loss journey. If you’ve been following my journey, then you know that back from about February – April I really struggled. I didn’t lose a lot of weight during that time. I allowed myself to get stuck, did some emotional eating, stopped tracking, etc. But you know even during that time, I was still trying in other ways. I may have been going slowly, but the more important part, is that I was still going. And honestly, I think that I learned more about myself during that time, than I would have, if I had breezed past it and just lost a ton each week. That’s really great for people who can do that, but I’m not one of those people. And I’m okay with that. I feel like for me, a bigger part of this journey is finding out who I am, and 2nd is losing weight. I feel like if I put it in that order, when I get to my goal weight, it will stick, because I didn’t just make it about counting calories and exercise.

So the first thing I learned, focus on your breathing. I was thinking about those times when I get really emotional, the FIRST thing I think about, is food. I want to eat something, something fattening, and something that is purposely horrible for me! But just as it helped on that big hill, if I will just slow down and breath for 1 minute before making any rash decisions, it will clear my head, help me to see clearly, and realize, I don’t need that food.

As I was running on a trail and going up a straight hill with a huge drop off next to me, I obviously didn’t want to trip. So watching the placement of my feet was very important! I equate this with practicing good health skills. Things like, getting all my water in, eating all my fruits and veggies, choosing the appropriate portion size, measuring my food, refraining from too many sweets (notice I didn’t say, cut out all sweets – this is a lifestyle change, and I will have sweets in my life!), tracking every bite – lick – and taste, etc. When I start to trip up on my journey, I come back to carefully doing each of these things. I slow down, and take very deliberate steps. These lives we live are so busy and so fast paced that sometimes we get whisked away in it all and we start to let things slip. But if we will just slow down a bit, and watch our footing, we will find that we’ll get farther in the long run then if we had just rushed about it.

I’m not going to lie, going up that hill, it was HARD. But… I knew that it was something I could do, so I just did it. So let’s be honest, this losing weight thing, it’s HARD! It’s frustrating, and stupid, and… hard. But… can I do it? YES! Can you do it? YES! We can do this, we just have to stick to our guns, and when it gets difficult, dig within ourselves and find our inner strength!

As mentioned above, I’m grateful for the struggles I’ve had. I’ve known people, who just lose a ton of weight really fast, and it wasn’t hard for them at all, and it didn’t stick. I’m not saying that is the case for all those that it comes off fast for. I’m just saying that for me, it’s in the struggles that I learn! It’s during those times; I learn just what I’m really made of. I learn that I can change the course of my life. Every time I over eat, and choose not to let it ruin my day or week, I’m changing the course of my life. That to me is so exciting, that I have the power to do that! And I know where that power comes from, and I say thank you every day for it! So, that’s why I realize that the more difficult my journey is, the more I learn. Just as on the trail, when it’s hard, it works my body more. Does that mean that I want to focus on when it’s hard or difficult, or that I want others to? No, not really. I would prefer to acknowledge those times for what they are, learn from them, then move forward and not worry about them anymore. What happened last Feb-April, is done and gone. I learned and now I’m here in a different place, better for it all.

Last of all, and as you can probably tell, the two most important lessons I’ve learned, don’t stop, and believe that you can do it. When the going gets tough, and I really just am ready to throw in the towel, I just look down at my wrist. And there is that beautiful bracelet that reminds me to Believe In Myself. And I start thinking of all the reasons I’m doing this in the first place. And how much better I feel! And how much happier I am because I’m succeeding at something I said I was going to do! And then… I may go slow, and I may have to carefully watch my footing, but sure enough, I don’t quit because deep down, I know that I can do this.

I hope this post doesn’t come across as cocky, that’s not my intention, hopefully it’s just confident. But thinking of all these things really helped me as I got to the top of that hill and helped me to straighten out this week so that it has been a great week! Hopefully something I’ve said will help others too. I’ve done as best I could with my eating, even with a birthday in the mix, I’ve gotten in some exercise, I’ve done my best. And in the end, that’s the important thing to do, right? Our best!

Have a fun weekend, and remember to do your best!

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Wednesday, July 21, 2010

See you soon!

Well, it's the 21st (my b-day), and I didn't reach my goal of 15lbs. I'm still hoping I might hit it by the end of the week. I'm a little disappointed, but... I let some emotional things get in my way over the weekend. I'm on track though and planning for a great couple of days. I will be working a Convention for my job, so I probably won't get to post again until Sunday. But I'll have lots of great pictures to share, stories to tell, NSV's to tout, and a great new analogy I came up with! I hope you all have a fantastic week!! When I get back, we'll start planning our outing for our short term goals. Even if we don't achieve them, I think we should still celebrate! After all, this journey is about progress, not perfection! And I did make some great progress!!

See you soon!
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Sunday, July 18, 2010

Dedicated to My Raspberries, and a Friend

This post is dedicated to one of my dear friends - you know who you are. She has been having a tough time, and I wanted to share some special thoughts with her. When we moved into our home last year I was kind of lonely. I had prayed that I would make some new friends, and this wonderful girl was the answer to that prayer! She has done so much for me, and I want her to know I just love her to pieces!

Saturday morning I got up at 8 to go out and pick raspberries and to water. As I did so, I had some rather deep thoughts (I know, shocking, right?!) and thought I would share. You know, my mom has a light green thumb. She probably doesn't think so, but I do. She's got quite a few plants in her home and they do really well. And what she does is when she gets a new plant, she sits it down, and has a talk. And she explains to that little plant, that in her home, it's survival of the fittest. They are going to be some draughts, and that little plant is going to have to fight to survive, but... if they do, then they'll have a safe home, plenty of sun, and the children will hardly ever try and get into them (all though the little Willow might!). After that, she gives them one good rationing of water, and then they go on the same watering schedule as everyone else. :)

Well... in the spring I had the best of intentions for my raspberry patch. If you'll recall I got it all cleaned out!


I spent hours and hours weeding and tilling and preparing it for a very fruitful summer. But then  - you know... life comes at ya, and before you know it... this happens.



And to boot, the sprinkler that is over there that would offer plenty of fresh water as often as we water our yard (I don't know how often that is as they run in the night and Mike set the schedule - I should ask) is broken. So... I've had to have the same talk with them that my mom does with her plants. But you see, my little raspberries have extra hardships. They not only have to make it through the draught, but when the rain (or hose, as the case may be) finally comes, they have to fight for their share of water from the weeds!

But you know, even with all that going against them, my raspberries are thriving!! We are able to harvest a bowl full about every 2-3 days.


And they are sweet, flavorful, and delicious! As I was picking, it was interesting to me to notice that of course, there a lot on the tops of the bushes where they get plenty of sunlight and air. I'm sure the bees are able to easily access those ones for pollinating.


But as I went through them, I started to find that buried down at the bottom, under all the leaves from the raspberry bushes, as well as the weeds, there were lots of very ripe, plump, beautiful raspberries hidden.


I started hunting for those ones and found a lot that were ripe and ready to be picked! Despite the fact that they are not getting a ton of direct sunlight, and probably not very much attention from the bees, they are thriving.

Sometimes as I'm picking, I'll go to pull one that looks ripe, but when I pull on it, the whole thing comes off, which tells me, it wasn't quite ready.


And if I had just given it a little bit longer it would have easily come off the branch and another one could have grown there. This always makes me a little sad when it happens, it's like I jipped that raspberry of it's full potential.

We have one little bush of white raspberries.


As you can see, it's tucked in the corner next to the house and fence. I find that really interesting that even though it doesn't have much room to spread out and grow, it truly is producing lots of tasty berries, some of our very best!

You know, I think we can liken ourselves to the raspberries. We start this life out with a clean slate, no mistakes, no trials, in essence as babies we come out perfect in spirit (such as my patch was this spring, it was perfect - if I do say so myself). But then we begin to grow, we begin to have experiences - good and bad. We begin to interact with others, and to understand what they are saying to us. And sometimes they are kind words, words of encouragement, and sometimes not. And we begin to have trials and tribulations (or weeds in the case of the raspberries). For some these trials become too much, too heavy, and we give up. For some others, we find ways to work around them, to grow from them, to become stronger.

Some of us have been lucky enough to grow on the top bush. Maybe that means we grew up in a loving and supportive family. Or we grew up with the gospel. Or we grew up knowing that we are great. Or we grew up thin. Or any number of things that people would look at as "being on top". And it's true that those on top have a lot - and in the raspberry world, are tasty and red, and beautiful (although, I think it's interesting to note that those on top also have their issues. These raspberries are more often scorched by the sun, they get less water being at the top, and are more likely to be eaten by bugs or little critters - otherwise, we ALL have our issues). And then, there are those of us who grew up in the leaves. Whether by choice, or because it's just where we were, we grew up hidden. We didn't get a lot of sunlight or "luck". We struggled - whether that was against depression, or weight, or family, people not treating us properly, having self loathing, or any number of things. And yet... notice how some of the best raspberries I picked, were from the undergrowth. I think the same thing goes for us! It's in the struggles and the trials, that we emerge stronger, have more understanding and loving, and may be a better person then we would have otherwise been without those experiences.

As I mentioned, sometimes I pick one before it's ready. I kind of liken being picked to the time in a persons life when they realize they are more than what those around them have told them. Or maybe more then you have told yourself and allowed yourself to believe. Specifically when it comes to weight loss, I think all those times we lose and then gain, lose and then gain, those are the false alarms. We are getting closer, but we are just not quite ripe yet. Sometimes we think we are, and we get picked - but then we find out, it just wasn't the time yet. We go back to the earth and we try again. This can be SOO frustrating, but let me ask you, does it mean that that picked raspberry doesn't have any worth? No! When this happens, I pull the raspberry off the little branch (and eat it of course) and put the little branch back in the earth. And whose to say that that little seed won't start a whole new bush that will produce hundreds of raspberries the next season? I guess what I'm saying is that sometimes we have to go backwards, before we can move forward. The important thing is that we just don't stop.  If you've had this experience, then you know what I'm talking about. But sometimes we are looking over our shoulder so much at what could have, would have, or should have been - that we miss what's right in front of us. If we keep going, keep fighting, keep pushing, keep eating healthy, keep exercising, then very soon, we will find it's our turn. We are ready to be picked and it is our time to shine!

One more thought about my little bush of white raspberries. Now for those of you who don't know, white raspberries are VERY special! If you go to the store they are always more expensive then the red, because they are extra tasty, extraordinary, and extra divine. I guess that's why I think it's interesting that my little bush is in the corner, because it must mean that they are extra strong, determined, and destined to thrive! Well my friends, my friend of whom I'm dedicating this post to - she is a white raspberry! She has SOOOO much to give this world, she is a divine person, has much integrity, and is one of those people. You know what I mean, right? One of those people you love to be around because they always make you feel good about being you. One of those people that puts others needs before their own. One of those people you look at and think, wow, I want to be like her some day. She is one of those people!! And interestingly enough, she has been put in the corner by some loved ones. Growing up, she was not given all the love, hugs, and kisses that she should have been! She was not treated in a way that is befitting to the kind of person that she is. And you'd think that would have been detrimental to her, but honestly, I think that because of that she is a stronger person. She is a better wife, mom, friend, sister, and daughter because of it. She has arisen above those trials, and out grown her corner, just like my bush! And the fruit that she bares in the service she gives to many, the love she gives her family, and the way she treats her friends, is GOOD! She truly is precious, just like the white raspberry, and I hope she knows it! And I say to her, don't let ANYONE keep you in that corner anymore. Don't let the fact that you may have been picked a little early stop you. You are on an amazing journey, and I KNOW that you will get there! I KNOW that although you may feel like you are starting again and that you are just a little plant in the ground, that by next season, you will be as tall and bright, and fruitful as any of the others! You will be able to put yourself in the bowl with all the other people who have chosen to make their life truly great by not letting what others think of them matter more, then what God thinks, and what they themselves think.


You have it in you to do this, and to make it a lifestyle change that will last the rest of your life. I believe in you, I love you, and I call myself honored to have you as my friend!

I found this video on the LDS website today and thought it was very fitting. So many of us don't know who we are. I just posted on that last week! I may not know the kind of person I want to be, but I DO know who I am. I am a daughter of God. And that is the most important message I could ever share, is that you too - are a child of God! He loves us so much and wants to see us succeed.

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Friday, July 16, 2010

Some Heartfelt Clarification

(This will probably be the longest post I’ve ever written… maybe haha! I totally understand if you choose not to read it, but I have some things that I felt needed to be said, and I couldn’t shorten it because I thought that maybe someone wouldn’t read my long-windedness. So if you read it, thanks, and if not, I understand!)

I blog for a couple of different reasons. One of those reasons is that it’s my journal. It’s where I put my thoughts, stories of things that happen to me, my ups, my downs, my heart. It’s where I want to record this year and all that happens. This is a big year for me, this is the year I change my life. This is the year I become a better person – inside and out, wife, daughter, and friend. This is the year that I am going to be (the good kind of) selfish, and work on myself. At the end of this year I plan to print all my posts into a journal, so that I will always have it, and so that someday my posterity can read about the year my life changed. And crazy as it is, I’ve decided to make my “journal” public. Because these are my inner most thoughts, they don’t always come out clearly or maybe make sense to someone else. That is the risk I take in putting them on a blog for the entire world to see. But I feel it’s worth the risk, so I do it.

My post from yesterday caused some concern and questions for a couple of my loved ones. So I wanted to share some heartfelt clarification on a few points, one, for them and all my readers, and two for those who read my printed journal in the future – especially my children. I want there to be no doubt in their mind about my motives and what I spoke about. I just want to say thank you to those that spoke with me and shared their concerns. That couldn’t have been easy and I appreciated their honesty. I love you and am grateful for good people in my life!

I am not against taking drugs for me, or for other people. I think that we are so privileged to live in a time when we have so many resources available to us to give us better quality of life. I do not look down on anyone that makes the personal decision to take a prescribed drug to better the quality of their life. My decision not to do this at this point does not mean that I am against drugs or that I will never take them. It just means that at this point in my life, I am choosing focus on getting my eating habits, nutrition, and exercise under control first.

From several of the comments I received and a discussion with a dear friend, it sounded like my description of this drug and what it’s used for was not accurate. So this morning I did some research on it so that I could find out for sure and share what I found. Let me first say that the Dr (midwife) I saw was not trying to prescribe it to me for weight loss or for infertility. She was concerned that because of my symptoms that I could be pre-diabetic and could possibly have PCOS. So she was thinking it wouldn’t hurt to get started on Metformin, and she mentioned that weight loss and pregnancy could be a side-affect. Because those two things are so important to me, I think that is what I heard (with my ears and heart) and focused on. I apologize for any confusion this may have caused. I found several websites with information on what this drug is used for, what it does, and the different ways it can help. One specifically mentions the benefits it can have on prevention and delay of onset of diabetes, restoration of normal menstrual cycle, improved chance of pregnancy, reduced risk of miscarriage, reduced risk of gestational diabetes, and weight loss and other benefits. If you would like to read this article you’ll find it at http://www.ovarian-cysts-pcos.com/glucophage-metformin-pcos.html. So from my research this morning it seems to me that the drug is mainly to help lower insulin and glucose levels. And by doing that, it can help in these other areas mentioned.

Since several of those benefits are things I'm trying to do, why not take the drug now, rather than waiting? I’m choosing not to take it for a couple of reasons. As I mentioned yesterday, I have a goal that I am doing everything I can to meet. I want to get to the end of this year (or into the next if it does take me longer than a year) and be able to say “by the strength of God and my personal efforts, I did it”. This is a goal I set so that I can have a better future. But not just me. It’s also so that Mike can have a better wife, someone that is excited about life, that can better meet all his needs, and be in the game with him mentally and physically. And for my children. I want to give my future children the best shot at this game called life. This is a rotten world sometimes, and bringing them into a home with me being overweight, depressed, unhappy, and angry at the world would not help them overcome the rottenness (is that a word?). I want to do all I can to be the best that I can be, for them.

There is another reason that I briefly touched on yesterday, but didn’t really go into. I mentioned that the doctor told me that technically, I’m not considered infertile yet.  I haven’t had regular periods since 2005. But I have also been overweight for the last five years. The last time I was at a healthy weight, I was having regular (well… regular for me – which was about every 6 weeks) periods. That was just before we were married, and then we went right on the pill. So I don't really know what would happen if I were to start having regular periods. Maybe I would just get pregnant. So before I start taking a drug that could possibly give me negative side affects that I don’t want (these were listed on that site mentione above if your curious) I want to continue on my path of weight loss and give my body the chance to work on its own. And if at the end of losing my 100lbs, it still is not functioning, then I will most definitely consider other options at that point – which will most likely include drugs, lots and lots of testing, fertility specialists, etc.

I truly do want children, desperately. One question I received is that if I so desperately want children, why wouldn’t I do everything I can right now to do that, including taking this drug? I guess I am already learning the first lesson I would suppose that a mother learns – selflessness. I hear that all the time from moms, that a mother often (if not almost always) must put her children’s needs before her own. I feel like my decision to not take the drug right now, and to put aside my own desperation to have a child in my arms right now (which is something I crave daily, cry over at least once a week, and pray for in practically every prayer I say) is in my own way, putting aside my own wants, for my children. I am preparing a better life of health, spirituality, and financial stability for them before fulfilling my own wants. I know, that no matter how much you prepare, you're never fully prepared. But there are things that need to be taken care of, to at least help us be better prepared. We have prayed about this decision, and feel at peace with it.

I often speak about goals, or children or whatever from my perspective. But that is mostly because this is my blog and my journal. That in no way means that I have not discussed at length these things with Mike. Pretty much any and all decisions we make, we make together. Please know that when I speak about my life, my goals, my decisions, and whatever else, that although I may not say We or Us, that Mike is a HUGE part of all of that, even if I may not express it. So although I did not mention that Mike was a part of this decision, he most definitely was.

I do think this is a very valid point and concern that Mike and I are on the same page. One of the things that attracted me to Mike, was watching him with children. I knew that someday he would make a FANTASTIC father, and I can't wait for the day when he can be.

I thought rather than me tell you his opinion, I’d let him tell you. This is from Mike:

Sam, I love you so much and am inspired by you every day that you keep striving for your goal. First of all I would like to ensure all of the readers and concerned loved ones that Sam and I are on the same page when it comes to children. We have always been on the same page since day one. We want our children to have the best chance possible to succeed in this world. And going to the doctor and taking a pill just because they say it will help is not planning our future. That is rolling the dice. Do I want children right now? Not yet, but we are getting very close to this now with everything that has been happening this year. My back injury was something that had it happened when we had a small child, would have been devastating. It also served as a great learning opportunity for me. I have learned things about myself that I don’t think I could have any other way. Now I understand that there is a reason it hasn't happened up to this point, and that there are some lessons that had to be learned to help us be prepared for children. I thank God for every trial that I have had, because they have made me the person that I am now and I wouldn’t want it any other way. Sorry about that, back to the subject at hand. We want children and will do all we can to bring that about. So for now we will do all we can to get through this year, hit our weight loss & spiritual goals, and then we will start the next part of our journey in growing our family.

I again want to express my love for all who read my blog, and especially to those who were honest with me. I hope this helps to clarify my and our position and helps to relieve any questions or concerns. And I also hope that if you are our son or daughter reading this someday down the line, it will be very evident to you how much you are already loved, cherished, and wanted! And that we just wanted to make sure to bring you in to the best home and life that we could offer you.
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Wednesday, July 14, 2010

Am I Crazy?!

Wait... don't answer that! :D (Sorry, another long post!)

Well I'm feeling better. I got to give mom lots of big hugs and we had a little cry together. I'm hoping to hang out with her sometime in August. One of my good friends posted a comment about being happy with yourself where your at in this moment. And she is so right! So I just wanted to clarify that while I do long to be a mother, I absolutely LOVE where I am in life! I'm healthier than I've been in years, I actually feel beautiful and like my body, my relationship with Mike is wonderful and loving, I've made amends with people that I had estranged myself from, I love my job, and I have a strong testimony. And most of all, I know that God loves me and I love me. She brings up such an important point and I thank her for bringing it up!

So a quick NSV. Mike had a friend come over on Saturday so Mike could help him with his car stereo. He brought his 5 year old over and she watched movies while they did it and I cleaned the house. Around 5 I asked her if she was hungry and she said she was.  I offered her either sugar free (didn't tell her that part) applesauce, string cheese, or an apple. I was so excited about it, because I have always worried about teaching my children to make healthy choices. And for so long, I didn't really know how I was going to do that. Now I do, because we just eat healthy in this house. So really, there won't be any other option, and that made me smile!

So I went to the gyno today. First time in two years... I know I know, I'm hanging my head in shame. Last year just seemed to get away from me. A good friend of mine skipped a year, and this year when she went back, she had cancer. So I decided it was time to go. I have always struggled with this, because I've had a hard time finding a doctor. But my cousin pointed me to some that she knew of. Although I wasn't able to see them, they sent me to their midwives and I had the best experience! The doctor that helped me was fantastic. Before my examine she sat with me for about 20-30 minutes and just talked about my health, any and all questions I had, and helped me come up with a plan. I REALLY appreciated that because usually they are SO fast and don't answer my questions or take time to understand.

She told me that because I haven't actually been trying for a year while menstruating and ovulating, that technically I'm not considered "infertile" yet. If you didn't read my post about my history on this subject, click here to read All In the Lord's time. In a way, that was kind of deflating - I mean maybe I'm not clinically infertile, but that doesn't take away the fact that for about 4 years I've wanted a baby and have not protected. But... in some ways it's also encouraging, because it means that there is hope for me yet! :D

So the reason I asked if I was crazy is because she wanted to put me on a drug called Metforman, and I turned her down. She said this drug would one, help me to have periods and ovulate, two help me lose weight faster, and three help with any symptoms of diabetes. I don't have diabetes. But because of my weight, I'm at risk. But I turned it down, and I feel really good about my decision.

Back in November I was at my heaviest point - probably about 264ish, and I was depressed, downhearted, brokenhearted, lost, and at my wits end. I felt alone, powerless, and frustrated. It seemed like no matter what I did, I couldn't get my head around anything. A friend suggested I look into getting a gastric bypass. I seriously considered it and was almost decided to do it. I went to a class to learn all about the different options, the risks, and the benefits. Like I said, I had almost decided on it, when we found out that the insurance we had just switched to not even a month before, didn't cover it (and what was really a kicker, the one we switched from - did!). Again, I was devastated. I really looked at that surgery as my saving grace, and now, I had to look at other avenues.

In hindsight, I know that I was not meant to have the surgery, and I'm glad I didn't do it. I know there is a lot of negative thoughts and feelings out there about it, and a lot of judgement. I encourage you not to judge those that choose to go that route. I have several friends that have done it (and had great success!! Congrats to them!!!) and let me tell you - it is not the easy way out! It's just a different way! And just like anything else out there, it's not an easy fix. They still change their life, just as I have had to change mine. So what I say here, I do NOT say in judgement of anyone else's choices or path, I'm just telling you about my personal experience.

For me, I think I would have continued to struggle with my weight because I was looking for the easy fix. And boy, would I have been in for a surprise! :) Doing it with diet and exercise is slower, but it's allowed me the time I needed to let my heart and my head lose with my body as well. I think if I had just lost all that weight super fast, I wouldn't have had the time to heal my soul. And for me, that has been the key.

I feel the same way about the drug now. Yes, it would be nice to lose faster - but I'm not sure that faster is in my best interest right now. And, I want to get to the end of this and say that I was able to do it with the strength of the Lord and on my own merits and efforts. I've set a LOT of goals through out the years, and I've not achieved very many of them. This is one that I feel is within my grasp, so I don't want to take away from that with a drug.

And as I mentioned a couple of posts ago, I'm actually glad that I haven't had children up to this point in my life. I now understand it, and want to finish this journey before starting that new one. So if it helps me ovulate, I could get pregnant - which wouldn't be a bad thing necessarily. How I said it to a friend tonight, is that I want to get to my goal. And if in the process, I naturally get pregnant - then of COURSE I'll be ecstatic! But if I'm going to do it with the aide of drugs and such, then I need that to be on my (and the Lord's of course) time table, and right now, I'm just not ready.

So I turned it down. Because I'm no longer desperate or powerless (I never was powerless, I just thought I was). I'm happy and strong! And I plan to continue being that way!  


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Tuesday, July 13, 2010

Random Ramblings

I'm in a weird mood today. I'm feeling a little melancholy, and to be honest I don't know why. I figured if I sat down and type out all my thoughts, maybe the reason will come out. We shall see. This could be a very random (and long) post! I have several adventures to share with you, I'm working on my pictures. I hope to have them up sometime this week.

So, funny story. Mike and I were in the car last week and I asked him how much he weighed that morning (we both weigh every morning. He has been wanting to start training for a triathlon, but because of his back hasn't been able to. He just started about a week ago to run with me). He said "222.2". I sat there for a second then with a sly grin I said, "Huh....... Me too!". Haha! You should have seen the look on his face!! And then he did the CUTEST thing! He threw his arms around me (we were at a stop light) and exclaimed how proud he was of me! It was sooooo nice. Then he pulled back and kind of gave me this look like - game on! :) Since then there has been a friendly competition. But here is the funny thing. Since then, we have weighed the EXACT same every day. The same ups the same downs. So weird. I think it's our scale!! He has now moved into full swing of losing weight and I couldn't be happier about it. Even though I know that he will quickly pull ahead of me, because he is a man. And men suck like that. I'm okay with it, and I told him so. And eventually, I will pass him again, because I'm smaller, and will eventually be smaller than him. But for now, a little healthy competition is great! I love you Mike - I'm going to beat you by the way!!!! :D

I'm working hard on my goal of 15lbs lost by my birthday. I have until next Wednesday, and it's going to be close. I'm probably going to need until the end of next week. I still have 6.6 to go! Which means I need to lose 3.3lbs this week and next week. I've buckled up and have been doing REALLY good this week! I did AWESOME over the weekend! I've been tracking EVERY bite and doing a TON of exercise. I hope it pays off. But you know what, if not, I guess in a way I'm okay with that. I mean really, I can only do my very best. And if my body doesn't cooperate, I can't help that. But I can get to the end and know that I did my part! And I KNOW that eventually, my body will catch up with that effort I put in.

I went on a killer bike ride on Saturday with Mike (pics to come), it was great. We did 15 miles! And I felt good the whole time! There was a HUGE hill that I was a little concerned about, but I did just fine! Then after the huge hill there was a slow incline for about 3 or 4 big blocks. That was actually the harder part. I got to the top and just about started bawling. Not because of how tired I was, but because of how tired I wasn't. Because of how fantastic I felt. Because I did it. Because I got up at 6:30am in the morning because I was excited to use my body and ride my bike. Because I'm changing into the person I've always known I could be. Because in that moment I was not ordinary or average. I was extraordinary! I chose to get out of bed (which for anyone who knows me, knows what a challenge that is!) and do something! I started thinking that I think I want to help others do this. I want to be an inspiration to others, to teach them and coach them. I can see myself becoming a Weight Watcher leader some day. I love to coach and I love to see others succeed. It's funny how you see people on Biggest Looser say that and you think "Phhh yeah right!". But it's soo true. When good things start to happen to us, we want to share it with others!! Well, at least I do!

There is one person that I would love to help more than any one person in my life. I love this woman (more), she has done an untold amount for me. And much of it she did amidst the wrath of my hormones. Yes, it's my mom. My mom and I were best friends when I was little. I adored her and I learned so much from her. Probably more than she'll ever know. Then I become a teenager, and well... yeah. Our relationship pretty much has struggled from then until this year. Don't get me wrong, we have had lots and lots of good times. And even when I was just awful to her, she didn't know it, but I was still learning from her. She is the best teacher I have ever had and I love her for it. She has taught me about being selfless, about turning the other cheek, about service to others, about how to laugh and have fun, about how to be positive when others aren't, about the gospel and Jesus Christ, about how to be a loving mother, about being a listener, and a good friend, and so many other things. As I was riding home I was thinking about all of this. I was also thinking about how for years I had this angst come up about my mom that I could never really figure out. Well, this year, I figured it out - and I forgave her. I don't think I've verbally told her that, but I did. And on my ride it dawned on me that the very same month, even the day that I forgave her and decided to move past it, was the day I started moving forward. It was the day I started eating right and changing my life for the better. I think that's pretty huge. Forgiveness is one of the most powerful tools we have available to us in this life! There was this feeling buried deep in me for so long, and I didn't even realize it was there, but it was holding me back for so long. And I know that my mom knew what it was, and that it was there. But she never pushed me. Never got fed up with me and pushed me away - heaven knows I've given her reason to, but she never did. She was patient with me and loved me and waited. I'm sorry mom. I'm sorry it took me so long to see what needed to be done. I do forgive you, I love you dearly, and I only hope that you can forgive me for being so slow to come around and for all the heartach I'm sure I've caused!

So I keep thinking this question "Who am I"? I'm not really talking about the deep down philosophical type, but... Well for instance, my friend Ana, she is a cowgirl. She loves the horses and she is fantastic with them! I think to myself, I want to do that! But then I get around them and freeze up, am uncomfortable, and nervous. And then Mike joined this tri-athalon group and we went running with some of them tonight. I've been getting into the biking/swimming/and running, so I think, I could do this. I went with them tonight, and while I had a great time, I realized I don't want to do that because I'm "hard core". I just want to do it because it's fun and it's exercise, and I'll do a race every now and then. There have been lots of times like this lately where I think, I want to do that, or I want to be that. But then when I actually do it or be it, and it doesn't fit. So I'm left wondering, who am I. I know that these things are superficial, and don't make up ME, but still... I'd love for there to be one thing, ya know? As I've been sitting here writing this, I know what I want that one thing to be. I want to be a mother. I want to be a stay at home wife. I want to be the one that has her house clean because she actually has time to do it. And has time to plan healthy dinners for the family, and gets to exercise in the morning with her other SAHM friends. And gets to rock her baby to sleep at night and have that sweet little face to look at as she dreams with the angels. I know all you mothers out there are just shaking your head at me right now and thinking "If only she knew". And I'm sure that I will get frustrated, and sad, and angry, and frustrated, and fed up. And that all this time I think I will have, I won't have at all. But that is still who I want to be. It's funny that this is who I want to be because truthfully, I'm plain awkward with children, I'm a horrible house keeper, and I'd probably sleep in too much. But.... I guess we always want what's on the other side, right? I also recognize that a mother needs outlets, but I have those in my life right now. I want someone to love, and hold, and kiss their scraped knee, to teach them the gospel, (to mess up and have to learn hard lessons - I'm sure!), etc. The good news is that I know that someday, I'll get to be on that other side. I don't know what that will look like, or how it will come, or even when it will come. But I know that I'll get there, and for now, that faith will have to be enough.

Sorry, kind of a downer post tonight. Like I said, I'm just kind of in a melancholy mood. I'm not really sad, just... contemplative? If you've read this far, thanks for listening. I haven't said it lately, but thank you for all your support, love, and comments. It really is helpful and keeps me going! As does reading all your blogs (or talking to those that don't have blogs). You give me strength and inspiration. You give me joy and laughter, and I am forever grateful for you! Goodnight!
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Thursday, July 8, 2010

A-ha Moments, a Roller Coaster Ride, and a Case of the Toots!

This morning I took my measurements. I haven’t done that in a REALLY long time, as in years. I didn’t even do it when I began my journey this year. But I found some old ones where I was about 10lbs less then my heaviest point, so I’ll just go off of those. If I measured correctly this morning, then I have lost 29.5 inches! Whew! I’m not positive about 10 of those, because of not knowing if I’m measuring in the same place on my legs as I did before. But still… I think that’s pretty awesome! :D

I was looking at myself in the mirror and pinpointing all the places I can tell have changed. I can see a lot of change. When I hit my 15lb short term goal I’ll post a side by side. I was thinking about people in my life and wondering “Do they see the difference”? I know Mike and my Mom do, because they always tell me (thank you!). But I was wondering about other people. And then something dawned on me. It’s okay that they don’t. Not because I don’t need the validation (which I don’t!) or the encouragement (which I like!), but because it made me realize that people aren’t watching as much as we think they are. I don’t know about you, but for me, when I was at my heaviest, I always felt like people were watching me and judging me. Judging me for how my clothes fit, or how much food I was eating. But now I realize, no one was watching. No one cared, except maybe those closest to me. But seriously, beyond that, no one cares. And if they do, so what! It was just a really big “a-ha” moment for me because I’ve always been so concerned about what others think!

So last night was… a roller coaster ride! I got off work feeling good. I had accomplished a lot during the day and it was a good day! We moved desks (which we do quarterly) and I just love that! I love change! On my way home I stopped at the grocery store, which I love to do. I know, I’m weird, but I love to grocery shop. I should start a service, as I know a lot of people hate it. Mike called and told me that all of the ice in the freezer had melted. Our ice cream (yes, I eat ice cream) has been really soft lately, but I just didn’t think anything of it. Well… by the time I got home it was apparent our refrigerator was toast. It came with the house we bought last Aug, and is probably 7-10 years old. We were planning to replace it at some point anyway, but… not last night! We tinkered with the idea of just getting it fixed, but really, why put money (and who knows how much!) into something we wanted to replace anyway? So… we bought a new fridge. Packed our food up into a cooler this morning, and will get it today. We found a great deal and a fridge that meets all our needs and wants. Pics to come soon! After that, we ran to Costco and then came home and decided to go for a run.

Willow and I jogged my entire little 2 mile trail!!! Woot Woot!!! It was so awesome. I’ve noticed that my breathing is getting easier and I don’t have to focus on it so much. And I didn’t have to go “I’m going to run to that tree, and then that tree, or that tree”. I just jogged and thought about things, and it was great. AND, Willow only barked at one person, and that was because he came around a corner and startled her. That is a big improvement!!! I know you’re probably sick of me tooting my own horn, but as someone somewhere said, if you don’t do it, who will?! :D

Toot your horn – what did you do GREAT today or yesterday???

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Monday, July 5, 2010

Chasing Skinny

What a WONDERFUL morning I've had!!! Last night we had the privilege of watching the Park City fireworks with Liana's family. The reason it was such a privilege was one, being with Liana's family is always great! And two, Liana's dad is a cop and so we get to sit about 100 yards away from where they shoot them up. It is SPECTACULAR to say the least! You have to tip your head all the way back to see them! And can we say LOUD!! Whew!! Then we came up to Heber to sleep and today, we are going wave running!! Woot woot!! 

Yesterday I told Mike I wanted to go for a run this morning, and he decided to join me. It was SUCH a beautiful run in the mountain clean air! It was glorious!!! For the first mile and 1/4 I walked/jogged. It's a little harder up here because of the altitude, but I felt pretty good. We turned around and I started jogging, and GUESS WHAT???? I jogged the ENTIRE way back!!! Yup that's right!! I jogged a full mile and a quarter!!!!!!! This is my ultimate best run EVER!!!! Can you tell how ecstatic I am? 

What was so cool was that as we were going home, the sun was behind us so my shadow was out in front of me. And I kept staring at it, because it was skinny! Really! And I kept thinking, "Is that really me"? So the whole way back, I chased my skinny self! :D

At about the 1/2 way mark I was by myself, Mike has been walking and I was out in front of him. I thought... hmmmm... I think I could jog the whole way back. And started giving myself the pep talk. It was really awesome to push myself. I almost always have someone with me and they encourage and push me - for which I am very grateful. But it was very empowering to be the one pushing myself and empowering myself! And I did! As I got to the last home stretch, I sped up, for myself. And the last 50 feet, I sprinted, for myself! 

I know this may all sound very selfish, "for myself" business. But the truth is, it's been a really long time since I've done something so good for myself. I'm selfish all the time, I say hurtful things to people on occasion, I can be manipulative at times, etc etc. But this... this was a gift to myself. And one that was long overdue. For years I've lived my life on the safe side. Inside, doing nothing, and not really having anything in return. I'm finally putting myself out there, putting myself on the line, and living life! And you know what, life is pretty dang great!!!!
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Friday, July 2, 2010

Outdoor Adventure 9 for 2010

Great day!! Liana and I went swimming and I did 5 laps in a row. Okay, I know that doesn't sound hard, but it was for me!! Then we went for a bike ride to the library that was 6.5 miles round trip. Then, we ran through the sprinklers!! You're never too old to have fun!!!

Liana doing a cartwheel!
Me getting soaked!



Me doing a somersault! Haha



Me playing dead!



Me warming up on the hot cement!



Well we are off for a weekend of adventures and I'll have LOTS of pictures to share with you! I hope you all enjoy your 4th of July weekend! Remember, you can celebrate without having to eat a ton. Be active, remember the skills that you've learned, and be true to yourself!! That's my plan anyway! We've worked hard to gain the independence from food, let's not let a holiday take that away!

Have a great one!!
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Thursday, July 1, 2010

What I Learned Today and a Question



Being prepared= Good!
Not relying on that preparation= Bad :(
Eating healthy whole food=Good
Eating sweets and chips=Bad
Eating doughnuts=worse!
Going running=Good
Going running in 90 degree heat=Actually not that bad
Going running 90 degree heat with a strong wind, breathing out your mouth, and NOT taking water=dumb
Going running to try and work off extra eaten calories for weigh in=just plain silly
Being able to laugh at yourself=Priceless!

On a side note, I've been thinking of getting some kind of body monitoring something or other for my birthday. I'm not sure what to get or if it's really worth it. Is there anyone out there that has any recommendations? Something like body bug or Nike+? Let me know what it is, and if it's really made a difference or not. Thanks!
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