Some Heartfelt Clarification

(This will probably be the longest post I’ve ever written… maybe haha! I totally understand if you choose not to read it, but I have some things that I felt needed to be said, and I couldn’t shorten it because I thought that maybe someone wouldn’t read my long-windedness. So if you read it, thanks, and if not, I understand!)

I blog for a couple of different reasons. One of those reasons is that it’s my journal. It’s where I put my thoughts, stories of things that happen to me, my ups, my downs, my heart. It’s where I want to record this year and all that happens. This is a big year for me, this is the year I change my life. This is the year I become a better person – inside and out, wife, daughter, and friend. This is the year that I am going to be (the good kind of) selfish, and work on myself. At the end of this year I plan to print all my posts into a journal, so that I will always have it, and so that someday my posterity can read about the year my life changed. And crazy as it is, I’ve decided to make my “journal” public. Because these are my inner most thoughts, they don’t always come out clearly or maybe make sense to someone else. That is the risk I take in putting them on a blog for the entire world to see. But I feel it’s worth the risk, so I do it.

My post from yesterday caused some concern and questions for a couple of my loved ones. So I wanted to share some heartfelt clarification on a few points, one, for them and all my readers, and two for those who read my printed journal in the future – especially my children. I want there to be no doubt in their mind about my motives and what I spoke about. I just want to say thank you to those that spoke with me and shared their concerns. That couldn’t have been easy and I appreciated their honesty. I love you and am grateful for good people in my life!

I am not against taking drugs for me, or for other people. I think that we are so privileged to live in a time when we have so many resources available to us to give us better quality of life. I do not look down on anyone that makes the personal decision to take a prescribed drug to better the quality of their life. My decision not to do this at this point does not mean that I am against drugs or that I will never take them. It just means that at this point in my life, I am choosing focus on getting my eating habits, nutrition, and exercise under control first.

From several of the comments I received and a discussion with a dear friend, it sounded like my description of this drug and what it’s used for was not accurate. So this morning I did some research on it so that I could find out for sure and share what I found. Let me first say that the Dr (midwife) I saw was not trying to prescribe it to me for weight loss or for infertility. She was concerned that because of my symptoms that I could be pre-diabetic and could possibly have PCOS. So she was thinking it wouldn’t hurt to get started on Metformin, and she mentioned that weight loss and pregnancy could be a side-affect. Because those two things are so important to me, I think that is what I heard (with my ears and heart) and focused on. I apologize for any confusion this may have caused. I found several websites with information on what this drug is used for, what it does, and the different ways it can help. One specifically mentions the benefits it can have on prevention and delay of onset of diabetes, restoration of normal menstrual cycle, improved chance of pregnancy, reduced risk of miscarriage, reduced risk of gestational diabetes, and weight loss and other benefits. If you would like to read this article you’ll find it at http://www.ovarian-cysts-pcos.com/glucophage-metformin-pcos.html. So from my research this morning it seems to me that the drug is mainly to help lower insulin and glucose levels. And by doing that, it can help in these other areas mentioned.

Since several of those benefits are things I'm trying to do, why not take the drug now, rather than waiting? I’m choosing not to take it for a couple of reasons. As I mentioned yesterday, I have a goal that I am doing everything I can to meet. I want to get to the end of this year (or into the next if it does take me longer than a year) and be able to say “by the strength of God and my personal efforts, I did it”. This is a goal I set so that I can have a better future. But not just me. It’s also so that Mike can have a better wife, someone that is excited about life, that can better meet all his needs, and be in the game with him mentally and physically. And for my children. I want to give my future children the best shot at this game called life. This is a rotten world sometimes, and bringing them into a home with me being overweight, depressed, unhappy, and angry at the world would not help them overcome the rottenness (is that a word?). I want to do all I can to be the best that I can be, for them.

There is another reason that I briefly touched on yesterday, but didn’t really go into. I mentioned that the doctor told me that technically, I’m not considered infertile yet.  I haven’t had regular periods since 2005. But I have also been overweight for the last five years. The last time I was at a healthy weight, I was having regular (well… regular for me – which was about every 6 weeks) periods. That was just before we were married, and then we went right on the pill. So I don't really know what would happen if I were to start having regular periods. Maybe I would just get pregnant. So before I start taking a drug that could possibly give me negative side affects that I don’t want (these were listed on that site mentione above if your curious) I want to continue on my path of weight loss and give my body the chance to work on its own. And if at the end of losing my 100lbs, it still is not functioning, then I will most definitely consider other options at that point – which will most likely include drugs, lots and lots of testing, fertility specialists, etc.

I truly do want children, desperately. One question I received is that if I so desperately want children, why wouldn’t I do everything I can right now to do that, including taking this drug? I guess I am already learning the first lesson I would suppose that a mother learns – selflessness. I hear that all the time from moms, that a mother often (if not almost always) must put her children’s needs before her own. I feel like my decision to not take the drug right now, and to put aside my own desperation to have a child in my arms right now (which is something I crave daily, cry over at least once a week, and pray for in practically every prayer I say) is in my own way, putting aside my own wants, for my children. I am preparing a better life of health, spirituality, and financial stability for them before fulfilling my own wants. I know, that no matter how much you prepare, you're never fully prepared. But there are things that need to be taken care of, to at least help us be better prepared. We have prayed about this decision, and feel at peace with it.

I often speak about goals, or children or whatever from my perspective. But that is mostly because this is my blog and my journal. That in no way means that I have not discussed at length these things with Mike. Pretty much any and all decisions we make, we make together. Please know that when I speak about my life, my goals, my decisions, and whatever else, that although I may not say We or Us, that Mike is a HUGE part of all of that, even if I may not express it. So although I did not mention that Mike was a part of this decision, he most definitely was.

I do think this is a very valid point and concern that Mike and I are on the same page. One of the things that attracted me to Mike, was watching him with children. I knew that someday he would make a FANTASTIC father, and I can't wait for the day when he can be.

I thought rather than me tell you his opinion, I’d let him tell you. This is from Mike:

Sam, I love you so much and am inspired by you every day that you keep striving for your goal. First of all I would like to ensure all of the readers and concerned loved ones that Sam and I are on the same page when it comes to children. We have always been on the same page since day one. We want our children to have the best chance possible to succeed in this world. And going to the doctor and taking a pill just because they say it will help is not planning our future. That is rolling the dice. Do I want children right now? Not yet, but we are getting very close to this now with everything that has been happening this year. My back injury was something that had it happened when we had a small child, would have been devastating. It also served as a great learning opportunity for me. I have learned things about myself that I don’t think I could have any other way. Now I understand that there is a reason it hasn't happened up to this point, and that there are some lessons that had to be learned to help us be prepared for children. I thank God for every trial that I have had, because they have made me the person that I am now and I wouldn’t want it any other way. Sorry about that, back to the subject at hand. We want children and will do all we can to bring that about. So for now we will do all we can to get through this year, hit our weight loss & spiritual goals, and then we will start the next part of our journey in growing our family.

I again want to express my love for all who read my blog, and especially to those who were honest with me. I hope this helps to clarify my and our position and helps to relieve any questions or concerns. And I also hope that if you are our son or daughter reading this someday down the line, it will be very evident to you how much you are already loved, cherished, and wanted! And that we just wanted to make sure to bring you in to the best home and life that we could offer you.