Thursday, November 25, 2010

"It's Time To Let Go..."

"It's time to let go of this painful life"

I had a dream this morning. It was a dream that would have made a great book! Problem is, I don't remember most of it. It was about three women that were friends. And one of them had to leave. I don't remember the circumstances or what happened. The only thing I remember was at the very end, seconds before I woke up, one of them said this quote. And I remember the specific feeling behind it, even though I don't remember the specific context of it. Does that make sense? 

In the context of the dream, there were certain circumstances that were causing pain in the woman's life (the one who had to leave). I can't remember what. But I think maybe one of her friend's said this quote to her. And even though she was leaving, that wasn't all that she was letting go of. It was more... that there were things in her heart that needed to be set free so that she could be released from the pain that was haunting her.

As I came out of my dream, this saying was repeating over and over in my head. And it got me thinking. Are there things in my heart that need to be set free? Things that daily cause me pain? That cause others pain? Things that cause this to be a painful life? This question was met with a sorrowful, and yet resounding yes. 

I think that it's in our nature as human beings to hold on to things. Hold on to grudges, anger, fear, love, tangible items, beliefs, memories of how things once were, the dream of what could be, the list could go on and on. Sometimes the things we are holding on to are good and wholesome. They bring us peace, hope, joy, and love. But sometimes, there are things we hold on to because we feel it validates us, when really, all it's doing is hurting us. It's crippling the very person that we could be, our true potential if you will. These hurtful things lead us to live painful lives, or at least pain-filled lives.

As today is Thanksgiving, I was in a particularly thoughtful mood. So as I was thinking of all the things I'm ever so grateful for, I was also thinking of things that hinder me and bring pain to my life. See I believe that if we are truly grateful, we will act on that gratitude. Having gratitude should be an action! And although I often express my gratitude, a lot of times it's just lip service. And the only person that benefits really, is maybe myself. And sadly the things I often actually act upon, are the exact painful things that really, I should let go of. Insecurities, fears, judgments, grudges, pride, etc.

I got thinking that maybe if I just chose one of those things that I've been holding in my heart, and chose to let it go, even if it was just for a day - a week - or a month, how would that feel? What would it look like? And although I don't really know the answer yet, I know I want to try. And I want to invite you to join me.

If you can think of something in your life that is causing you pain, I say to you "It's time to let go of this painful life..." and I would add to that statement "so that you can embrace a more joyful one in it's place"! I want to challenge you to post about it. Find one thing that you can let go of, how you feel about it, how it feels to let it go, and what feelings or good experiences can replace it. Let it go! Post this little picture, and if you want, encourage your readers to do the same. Think how much better this world would be if we all removed one of these painful things from our heart, and replaced it with a feeling and action of gratitude!

So my one thing? I know that it's time to let go of the painful life that my selfishness brings to me. I know that is such a huge thing, but it's hard to narrow it down! And really, it has effected EVERY part of my life! My marriage, my relationship (or lack there of sometimes) with God, our finances, our home life and house, my body, my job, etc. Everything. And while it may be too large for me to tackle all at once, this is what I want to be rid of. This is what I want to let go of! And I think I am going to start with my marriage.

My goal this week is to put Mike's needs in front of my own. To respect him more, and to love and serve him more. Also, one of my big goals I had from the begining of the year was to read Love and Respect by Dr. Emerson Eggerichs. I never read it, but I am going to finish it before Christmas and start to put what I learn into action. I am SO grateful for my husband, and it's time for me to act on that gratitude!

If you take my challenge, let me know, okay?! I want to read your post and cheer you on! 

Happy Thanksgiving my friends! I could not let the day pass with out acting upon my gratitude for YOU! My life has changed because of you and I am a better person because of you! Thank you!!


Sunday, November 21, 2010

Peace Brings Power!

Week 3 - Step 3: Make Peace with Food

"3. Make Peace with Food Call a truce, stop the food fight! Give yourself unconditional permission to eat. If you tell yourself that you can't or shouldn't have a particular food, it can lead to intense feelings of deprivation that build into uncontrollable cravings and, often, binging When you finally “give-in” to your forbidden food, eating will be experienced with such intensity, it usually results in Last Supper overeating, and overwhelming guilt."

Make peace with food huh? Well, I'm getting there. I still have a ways to go, but I feel like I've made a lot of progress in the last three months. I'm not binging near as often as I was when I started. I'm only overeating about 1/2 to 1/4 the time. I still struggle quite a bit with the emotional eating, but... I'm not giving up. I have a feeling when I get to that step I will probably work on it longer than a week. Maybe a month. I think of all these steps, that is truly what I struggle with the most.  

I think that I am actually at peace with the play foods. I honestly and truly believe they are no longer off limits and that I can eat them when ever I want. It's almost like they have traded places with healthy food. I have been hesitant about healthy food or diet food. Thinking about it, I think it's because I'm afraid of it. Afraid that if I eat it I will start sliding back in my thinking. But... I know what the next step in making peace with food is. I need to give that fear to God and let go. And then accept healthy food the way I have the play food, and fall in love with it!

In all the diets I've ever been on, I don't think I've really ever LOVED the food! I think most times I tolerated it, sometimes I liked it or didn't mind it. Sometimes I found things that I actually did love! I wrote the first part of this paragraph, but as I read over it, I realized it isn't true! I mean sure, there was some food I didn't love and will never eat again because I don't have to. But really, I did love a lot of the food. It tasted good and I made great meals! I think what tainted the food though was the restriction. Feeling like I had to eat it to get what I wanted. That was what I didn't love. It was like the food took my power away from me, and for that, I hated it! 

This time it's different, because I have the power! I can make the choice to eat healthy - when I want to. And I can make the choice to eat a play food and NOT feel guilty about it.

I was just looking through all my pictures from this year, and man, I smiled a lot! I sweat a lot! It was a good year. I was in LOVE with how I felt! I was in LOVE with the energy I had! I was in LOVE with myself! And while I realize I feel at peace with food, I also realize that eating only play foods has taken away some thing that I LOVE, cherish, and crave...


While I have been making peace with play foods, and I do believe that has been a very important process for me, they are not very nutritious. They do not give me energy. So even though I have wanted to move my body, I'm usually too tired. 

I have been thinking about this all weekend, and I feel like.... I mean I'm ready... I mean I need... I mean I want to eat healthy foods this week! And what I LOVE about that, is that it's truly a want! I want to have the energy I know they'll bring! I want to have the energy to really start moving my body again! I mean I really felt good when I did that! I felt so alive! And what I also love is that I KNOW that even though that's what I want, it doesn't mean I have to start depriving myself of the play foods I have been devouring. It just means that I don't really feel like or want them all the time any more. I know that I can have them when I want, and that is so freeing! But even more freeing is knowing that I don't NEED them all the time! I no longer dream about them, drool over them, or obsess about them. I am at peace with the play foods.

I found this picture, and I don't know if I had ever shared it, maybe I did. But I just love it! I love the HUGE grin I have! And I love how you can see this delight and pride in my eyes of knowing how hard I had worked to earn that bright pink glow! I want that glow back. I want to sweat again! And the best part is that I know I can have it all! I can have the healthy food, I can have the play food, I can have the sweat! It's mine for the taking, and don't mind if I do!


Friday, November 19, 2010

Changes & AWESOME Ideas!

Do you ever just need change? I do! I love change! You've probably noticed that. I change my plans, I change my blog, I'm changing me. You may notice I've gone from a three column blog to two. I've been playing with the sizing, so if you are seeing anything funky, please let me know (things like text overlaying each other or running of the page, or not being centered). 

What kind of changes are you working on? 

This has been a year of changes for me. But I think one of the things I've learned is that who I am is just perfect! I am a beautiful individual and am just who I need to be. And all of the people that I have met, they're beautiful too! Every single one of them! It's just the outer layer that needs to be shed. No, I'm not talking about the lbs (although those are welcome to leave any time, right?). I think that each of us at the core are perfect. We are exactly as God intended. The problem is we go through life and all this "other" stuff gets in the way of who we really are. It's like when you have something sticky, like a sucker (a really big one, and it's heart shaped), and you walk outside and some of those white dandelions get blown by the wind and get stuck to your sucker (okay, bad analogy, I couldn't think of anything! :D) Underneath is a perfectly good sucker. Sweet, tasty, etc. Now, you just have to pull of each of the little dandelions fluffs (okay, this just went from bad to worse!). Those little fluffs are the negative habits, thoughts, experiences that we pick along the way. And to get to the yummy core, we just have to pull them off one by one! You with me? Let's get rid of the fluff!

So I picked up some great ideas today, and I wanted to share them with you.

Okay, first one. I have never really liked shopping! I think I did when I was younger, but the older I got, and the heavier I got, the less and less I liked it. I would even say for a long while, I hated it. Then, I finally made peace with it and we tolerate each other. This is how I shop, get in, try it on, get out as fast as possible! Also, I tend to talk to myself in the dressing room, and that leads to embarrassing moments!! It's quite comical really, I talk to myself as if I were a friend come to help. Haha, I think maybe the first step would be to bring a real friend rather than my imaginary one? Anyway... there is no joy in it. But... I think I might enjoy it if it wasn't so painful. So here is the idea I heard.

Let's say you need to buy some slacks. You should get three sizes to go in the dressing room. The size you think you actually are, and the two next sizes up. Start with the largest size and go down. It is much less painful to go down in sizes when trying them on, the up. The other part to it, is when you go into the dressing room, put on the pants while facing away from the mirror (and even close your eyes if you have to). Then once you find the pants that feel the best, you can look in the mirror. And by feel the best, I mean the ones that the waist band is not to loose or too tight. You can sit down in them comfortably. You can move in them easy and gently. Etc. Then, you can look. Then if you like the look as well, tada! You have a match, and it was painless and maybe even gave you some confidence in the choice you made. I'm going to try this the next time I go, I'll let you know.

Next, a tip on exercising, DON'T do it! (Don't leave, let me explain!) Instead, just move your body! What's the difference? One, I guess the reason behind it, and two is what you are doing. I've had several gym memberships. I've spent a lot of time in the gym working really hard (and not losing as much weight as I thought I deserved to be losing and getting more and more & more frustrated)! I've also had many many many months where I paid for my membership, but didn't use it once. In fact, I've done that more often then I want to admit. Anyway... now, I'm trying to look at exercise a little differently. Exercise is about LIFE not calories! It's about using your body and feeling ALIVE! It's about doing what you LOVE and what makes you FEEL GOOD! Yesterday I heard the best question, "What does the toddler inside of you want to do today"? Don't you love it??! I do! Think about a toddler you know. When they are running around chasing a dog, or playing in a pool, or even going for a walk with mommy, are they thinking about calories? Of course not! They are playing! They are having fun! They are doing what they love and probably feel really energized, happy, and healthy! That is what I want my activity to be. I want to do things that do make me feel alive and energized. That make me happy! For me, that could be going hiking (which I LOVE) or jogging (which I also love! I love that feeling of satisfaction knowing I'm doing something I never thought I could do and the time it gives me to be with my thoughts). I know that there are SO many health benefits to exercise, and I'm not trying to discount those. But let's be honest, if that were really a motivating factor for most people, we would be a healthy nation. But we aren't! But what if we let the real motivation be how it makes us FEEL? I think a LOT more people would move their body more if they didn't feel like they had to go to the gym to "exercise". And just for the record, if going to the gym does make you feel alive and great, then by ALL means, do it! I've heard so many good things about Zumba, Yoga, Pilates, Spinning, etc. Those are all in a gym, and I want to try them all because I think they sound just delightful! I guess what I'm trying to say, move your body to feel and be alive!

And the last tip I can't remember. When I do, I'll post it. Sorry, my brain doesn't seem to hold much these days! Hopefully those two will hit a nerve, if they do, I'd love to hear about it!


Sunday, November 14, 2010

Life Changing Paradigm Shift

Week 2 - Step 2: Honor your hunger

I bought the Intuitive Eating digital recording. I thought it was the just an audio recording of the book. But it's not. It's actually the authors more teaching the book. It's shorter than the book, but I'm really enjoying it. They do these learning sets where they walk you through some of the skills. So far I've listened to the first two steps and gone through the skill sets. Wow, talk about an eye opener. I thought the book was awesome, this is even better! It's like having counseling sessions with them! :) 

I actually had what Steven Covey calls a Paradigm Shift last night. It had been a good day. Mike is still sick, poor guy, so I told him to plant his butt on the couch and rest. I cleaned most of the day and felt really productive! I tried to go running, but it was just too cold. My running clothes do not cut it. So I turned around and came home, I'm going to buy some winter running stuff tomorrow for the race. 

Anyway, I was feeling really good about having done so much. I had a couple of really great listening to my body-days. So I bought this digital download and started listening to it yesterday. In the first skill - Reject the Diet Mentality, there were two things that kept jumping out at me every time they said it, which was often.

Be curious, don't judge. 

Put weight loss on the back burner. 

As I think back over these last couple of weeks (months) of struggling, I thought I had stalled out. I thought I was failing and "struggling". But now I realize that I have been going through the exact process I needed to. The only real problem, is that I have been judging myself and criticizing myself for gaining weight, and not losing weight. Part of that comes from 15 years of judging myself. Part of that comes from focusing on what I always have focused on... weight loss. Rather than being curious about my experiences, why I was over eating, why I was hiding from certain emotions, why certain experiences or people were setting me off, I was just judging. Now that my eyes are open, I plan to change that. I made these little signs, and I'm going to put them up every where - in my car, bathroom, kitchen, work, computer. I want to learn to be curious and not judge. To learn and to be taught, and not to judge.

So I got curious about what I have I been doing right. Well, I've definitely been eating! : ) I think I've am really to the point where I truly believe, and my body believes, that I can eat anything... unconditionally. If I want to eat a whole sheet cake, I can (I didn't eat the whole thing, Mike helped!). If I want to eat a whole bag of caramel apple suckers, I can and did, and they were delicious. If I want to eat a stick of butter, I can (I didn't, I'm just saying I could if I wanted to). My point is that I am truly to the point where I know that no foods are off limits, and never again will they be. This I think is huge! 

I have become fairly adept at honoring my hunger. I don't always get to eat right when I feel I should, but I can feel it. I'm learning when it's time to eat, when I've gone way past it, etc. 

I have learned that I have a hard time being brave and sitting with my emotions. I'm not judging myself for that, just acknowledging that it's the case. 

I also need to acknowledge that I have been avoiding diet foods. There have been times that my body wanted to eat them, and I rejected them because they are a diet food and I am not "dieting" anymore. Which means I have not been unconditional about eating those foods. Haha. Didn't see that one coming. Now I am trying to open my self to the fact that it's not about what my head wants or deems appropriate anymore. It's what my body wants. And if my body wants something that I use to consider "diet" food, well, it's not really "diet" food anymore. It's just a healthy choice. 

Lots of good things, maybe not perfection, but definitely progress! 

Anyway, back to my paradigm shift. So I finished listening to the part on Reject the Diet Mentality, and they wanted me to find somewhere quiet and go through some statements with them. So I went in our bedroom, shut the door and turned off the light. I made it so my iPod was the only light giver. She would say a statement that was more something you might hear a dieter say, and then help you change it into a intuitive eating statement. It was a great process. At the end she mentioned that putting weight loss on the back burner is one of the key elements to really adopting this way of life. I paused it, and there in that dark room, I searched my soul. 

I flashed back to the last month, weeks, days, and even hours. I saw the truth, and it was so big and obvious. I may not be stepping on a scale anymore, but I am still weighing myself just the same. Every day! Every moment practically. I am judging myself for how tight my pants are, for the muffin top that is hounding me, for the image in the mirror. 

There in that dark room by myself in the quiet, I faced some real demons. Well, maybe not real, but... they are my demons to face. I realized that this is never going to work, unless I trust the process. And by that I mean trust myself. Trust my body. Trust my God. 

I have to stop looking in the mirror and being disgusted by what I see. 

I have to stop tugging and pulling on my clothes and for heavens sake just wear something that is comfortable. 

I need to give myself some room to just breath. To grow. To learn. To make mistakes, and to learn from them.

And to realize that by letting go of this faithful friend that I've had so long, "weight loss", I will gain so much more in the end. 

It's time to shed some weight alright. Just not the weight I always thought I needed to lose. It's the other things that weigh me down that need to go. The insecurities, judging others and myself, selfishness, the masks I wear to protect myself, laziness and procrastination, fear, anger, and this desire to fix myself by losing weight. 

It's time to forgive. It's time to let go. 

It was one of those moments that you know changes everything. Where your heart almost starts racing a little, and your skin is tingly and on fire. And you know from the top of your head to the bottom or your toes, that when you open your eyes, everything will look different. My contemplating quickly turned into a prayer. A prayer of sorrow at first. Asking forgiveness for my faults, shortcomings, and attitude. Then a prayer of gratitude. I have been given SOOO much in my life! And lastly, a prayer of... begging really. I begged that this affair that I have with weight loss could end. That this could be a real change deep within me, deep within my heart. That it can be lasting. That I can give up this desire, that he would pry open my clenched fingers and take it. 

And my prayer was answered. There is a pit inside me where this longing use to reside. And it was emptied yesterday. It was then filled with the love of God. I know that sounds probably a little crazy. I wish I could really explain it, but the truth is there are no sufficient words to describe the utter peace, warmth, and light that filled it's place.

I am now ready to start the real work. To start down this path that I had no idea I would even be on. I can't wait to see what comes next! 


Thursday, November 11, 2010

I want to live it!

So Willow got a new toy, she turned one! And yes, we're going to have a party, I just don't know when. That's right, I'm throwing a birthday party for my dog. Leave me alone. ;) Anyway... 

I'm sitting here reading blogs, and realize she is whining (and probably has been for 5 minutes) for me to throw her toy. I bend down to pick it up, but it's not there. I ask her "Where is it?" and she runs under the desk to find it. She comes prancing out with it in her mouth and ready for me to throw it. 

That is how I have been with this whole healthy eating thing. I'm whinning and whining and hoping it will work, and crying because it's not. But if someone were to ask me "where is it" or "what are you doing" I'm afraid I'd have to wonder off to go find it before I could answer. In other words, I spoke of honoring my hunger on Sunday, and that is where I left it. Oh, I've done a little here and a little there. I've done some reading, and granted I've been really sick this week. But ultimately, I'm not trying. There, I said it. I'm not giving my all, and haven't been for quite some time. I want to be giving it all, I sit and watch my all, and think of it and picture what it looks like in my minds eye. But... sad face here - I haven't been living it. 

I had a really interesting conversation with Mike and my father in law the other day. We were talking about religion and what it means to be a true disciple. We also had a very provoking discussion on what it means to "find yourself" or to "lose yourself" but that is for another day. We were talking about when God gives us a commandment, (and I'm paraphrasing the entire conversation here, so bear with me) there are three reasons we would obey it. 

One, fear. We fear what would happen if we didn't, or the consequences of what would happen if we don't do it. 

Two, the blessings. We want the blessings so we do what we are asked. Sometimes this want comes from greed, and other times I think it comes from a very sincere need for blessings. And sometimes it comes from just a want to have a better life. Be it spiritually, physically, financially or whatever. I don't believe wanting blessings is in poor form, but I do think that sometimes we (and by we I mean me) get too focused on "what's in it for me".

Three, faith and true devotion. We do as we are asked, not because of the promise of more, but for the love in our heart. Just as a child submits to a parent, we submit to God. 

(I need to state here that I am merely observing these options. This is not meant as a judgment on anyone, or even myself. Heavens knows I have lived my life coming from all three places at one time or another.)

I've been contemplating all this since Saturday. And yesterday as I was reading Intuitive Eating, I applied the same concept to my body. I started thinking about why we treat our body one way or another. After all, is not our body a gift from God? I believe that it is. I believe that he wants us to treat ourselves and bodies with respect and love. I believe that eating the way I do sometime is selfish and greedy. And that when I talk to myself in such a irreverent and cruel way, I am hurting Him too. So why do I want to be healthy? Why do I want to learn to be an intuitive eater? 

One, fear. I fear gaining more weight. I fear the consequences that could bring, like never being able to have children. Never feeling comfortable in my own skin. Never being able to play with my kids - to ride bikes, hike, swim, etc. The possibility of cutting my life short because of my poor health. The likely hood of passing on my habits to my children. (Interestingly enough as I thought of several "nevers" I thought, no I could still do that. Even if I gain weight, I can still be and feel sexy. I can still love life and be happy. I think so often we pin WAY to much on being thin or skinny.)

Two, the blessings. As stated above, sometimes this is a good thing. It's wanting better health by the numbers. Lower cholesterol, lower blood pressure, balanced hormones (what would that be like?), etc. Sometimes it is a more selfish thing, like just wanting to like what you see in the mirror. Wanting to be able to go shopping and not have to leave in tears. Or wanting to prove to everyone who ever said you couldn't do it, that you can.

Three, faith and true devotion. As I've written this, I've discovered that three is really just a little of one and a little of two all mixed together with a strong dose of faith and love. Fear isn't always a bad thing. And blessings are there for a reason. When it comes to my body? I don't want to take care of it so that I can just avoid future regrets. I don't want to take care of it just so that I can have what I think I've always wanted because I think it will give me the happiness I "never" knew. I want to be healthy and treat myself well, because I deserve it. Because I am a good person and I am worthy of being honored and respected. I can make these healthy decisions because I love my body and cherish it. And I want to be able to share it with my loved ones now, and for a really long time.

So once again, I am committing to love myself. To honor my body. To cherish what God so lovingly gave me. And hope that this time it will stick for more than an hour. :D


Sunday, November 7, 2010

Week 1 - Step 1: Reject the Diet Mentality

* I would like to start this post off with a blanket statement. I get that this type of living is not for everyone. If you are reading this and you have no interest in intuitive eating, or giving up dieting, that's okay. Please understand - I'm not asking you to! I'm not really even asking you to get it. I'm just asking that you lovingly support me in the way I have chosen to live, just as I will lovingly support you. If it is not for you, I invite you to read anyway. Take what you can from it for what you are doing in your own eating world, and leave the rest for someone else. Thank you! *

Welcome to my first post of my 10 Weeks of Intuitive Eating. I am currently ending week 1. I had actually thought I was working on Step 2: Honor your hunger, but as think over the week and how it went, I really was working on Step 1: Reject the Diet Mentality. I'll get into more of that in a second. So each week I will read the chapter and focus my efforts on living and learning that skill. At the end of the week I will post about my experience. Should you be interested in joining me, I am following the steps from Intuitive Eating.

Want to know what I learned this week? 

1. I'm a fake. Or flake. Maybe both.

I promised myself and my readers I was going to do the shred daily, and run on Saturdays. I remember it, you may remember it, and it's in a post, so there is proof. I promised I would do it. Guess how many times I did the shred? Go ahead, take a stab at it! If you guessed a big fat 0, then you would be correct! I did run last Saturday, and a short one on Tuesday. But did I run yesterday? Nope! Plum forgot! I had the time too! I could have! Duh! I'm a little peeved at myself, if you can't tell. 

**I finished writing this post and am coming back to proof. After writing the whole post, I'm not mad at myself anymore. I just recognize that I wasn't ready. I pushed myself because I was feeling the pressure to do something that would help me lose weight. And while I tied it up in a pretty package about being about energy and all that it wasn't really. It was about me being scared that I'm gaining weight and turning back to an old mentality. It was about me not trusting myself or the direction the Lord has given me. Although I do sometimes do things that make me a hypocrite, I do not believe I am a fake. And although I definitely could be more responsible, I do not think I am a flake. That statement was said in frustration of not really understanding myself. That my friends is the power of posting. I love it when I just let my fingers go and then I learn something about myself in the process! Do you do that?

2. I thought I had given up the diet mentality, I hadn't.

So this week was a real struggle! Not only on the exercise front, but the eating. I did try and honor my hunger, but more often than not I chose to just EAT! I actually feel like I am getting pretty good at recognizing my hunger and eating when I do. The problem is more recognizing when my hunger is gone and when it's time to stop. Today as I've been looking back over the week and thinking about it, I think that I was using "Intuitive Eating" as an excuse to EAT EAT EAT! There were times when I was out to eat, and something looked tasty, but I rejected that idea because it was a "diet" food. I don't diet anymore! But then as I've thought about that, I thought duh Sam! You weren't thinking of that option because it was a diet food, you were thinking it looked good! Your body wanted it, which means it was a good choice! Instead I chose something that was not as healthy, and it was not as satisfying! While that's frustrating, it's also encouraging to know that foods that would be better for me nutritiously are starting to be appealing again, and my body is slowly weaning (and I do mean SLOWLY) itself off of the play food.

As I look back over the week, I had a lot more times when I was standing in front of the mirror or in the shower, or when I would catch my reflection in a mirror and I would think "I'm getting fat again. I can't let that happen!". I found myself being a little rude to myself again, judging myself again and not stopping it when it happened. I found myself fantasizing about Weight Watchers a little. I thought I was past all this, but I think it's probably not something I just "get past" it's probably more something that you just continue to commit to over and over and over and over until yes, someday it becomes habit. So I was going to skip this step in my focusing on them, but turns out, I needed it! I needed to recommit myself, and to feel that this IS the path I want. I do NOT want to diet again. I do NOT want to go backwards. I want to move forward with what I feel will work for me. 

3. I still care way too much about what others have to say.

I check my blog so many times a day to see if I have comments! It's really quite ridiculous! And then if I get one that I feel the person commenting misunderstood what I was trying to say, I dwell and dwell on it. Sometimes I think of e-mails or conversations I would have with that person to explain myself. Sometimes when this happens, I think I should just not post. Or turn off commenting all together. Or maybe I should moderate my comments - but even if I did and I got a comment I didn't like - I'd probably still post it, because deep down, I'm a people pleaser. I want to please others. I want others to like me. 

This happened this week, and as I was dwelling on it for the umpteenth time, I thought, "You know Sam, maybe there is a deeper issue here". Why is it that you give so much power to what others say about you? Or to you? Obviously, by posting on an open blog on the internet for all the world to see, you have to have tough skin. Truth is, I don't have it. I play like I do sometimes, but I don't. I'm feel vulnerable and sensitive, scared and insecure. But I do want to get to the point where it does bother me so bad. Where others can share their thoughts or opinions and rather than feeling like it's a criticism or a personal attack (even when most the time, it's probably not! I just see that way with the stories I tell in my head) I can just see it for what it is. I don't have the answer yet. But at least I'm aware of the problem and will be looking for answers. Validate me here by telling me I'm not the only one who struggles with this! ;)

4. Even with all the struggling, flaking, and all that - I'm not giving up. 
I will continue to put this way of living to practice in my life. I don't think I'm ready for the shred. I thought I was, but... obviously there is some hesitancy there and I am not going to force myself to do it for the sake of losing weight. If the desire were there, I would have done it. But, it isn't. As for the 10k? I'm going in with no plan! I'm just going to wing it! I'm just going to do what I can before the 4th, and do my best at the race. Mike has possibly broken his foot, so he will not be running (But he and Willow will be there to cheer us on!), but Liana will. And I have another friend that will be joining us as well! I'm looking forward to it and it will be an awesome way to close out this most amazing year! 

I am not going back to dieting. I'm not. Even though I did think about it and consider it. And yes, I would like it if my clothes fit better and the scale gave me a smaller number. However, even more than that I want FREEDOM! I want PEACE! I want to be the one in control, and not the food. So for me, I committing myself to this plan another day, another week. This week, I will focus on Step 2: Honor your hunger, while remembering that I no longer need that dieting mentality. I'm safe without it!


Friday, November 5, 2010

When I Grow Up...

This was a song that I listened to when I was a little girl. (I don't want to hear any snarky comments about brainwashing! :D) Funny thing is, when I was a little girl babies were the farthest thing from my mind! I am the youngest of three. So I never took care of younger siblings. And because I was the youngest of my neighborhood girls, by the time I was old enough to babysit everyone already had babysitters. So there were like two families I tended for sometimes, and they were older kids.

My first diaper I ever changed? I threw up afterward! Now granted, it was a 3 year old's diaper, but still.

When I was like twelve and suppose to be gaga over babies - I would hide from them. When I would go to young women's if there were babies all the other girls would be fighting over who got to hold them next. Not me! I wasn't interested.

I had one young women's leader that would make me hold her baby. And there was a baby that I really loved to hold on my mission. But other than that... well yeah. That's about the extent of my baby experience.

It wasn't until we had been married a year or two before all of sudden I got hit in the head with baby hunger. I just couldn't get over them. Everywhere I went, it was all I saw. Babies, baby stuff, baby clothes, pregnant women, etc. I still didn't want to hold babies. Not because I really didn't want to, but because I was scared. I felt awkward and stupid about the fact that I felt awkward! Shouldn't every woman know how to hold a baby? I don't. Still don't really. I will hold one if I am sitting down. I hate the pass off - that's the worst!!

Anyway you get the picture, right?

Well, even though I'm clueless about babies and kids, I want one more than anything. We've been not protecting for about 4 years. But we haven't done any fertility. We will. And if we can't get prego, we will adopt.

This year has been about finding myself. I've lost about 40lbs, I'm much more spiritual and aware of myself then I've been, probably ever. I'm happy, I have happy thoughts, and I love my life. I still have a long way to go to be the woman I want to be for the the people I love, but I'm getting there. But there is still something missing. I still yearn to be a mom. I still yearn to give hugs and kisses, kiss scraped knees, and give away yellow balloons! I know that every mom who is reading this right now, is rolling their eyes.

There is a couple of upsides to having children later, one of which you get to watch all your friends have kids first. So you get to learn from their mistakes! :D Thanks ya'll! I have done a lot of watching in the last four years and this I know - being a mom is not all hugs and kisses. It is exhausting, frustrating, harder then anything I've done up until now. I get that. But I still want it!!

There is this couple in our ward (church) that had been trying to get pregnant for 9 years. They finally adopted the sweetest little boy about a year and 1/2 ago (who funny enough, looks just like them). At our Halloween party I saw her and realized she is pregnant. I asked her about it in the hall way (with tons of people around) and she told me they were preparing for their second adoption this summer when she found out she was pregnant! I got so excited for her I just gave her a big hug and started crying (again, with tons of people around, I felt really silly!). Sure, partly they were sad-jealous tears if I'm honest. But more than that they were happy-hopeful tears. Happy for her that she gets to have her dream come true, hopeful for us. I know that Heavenly Father has heard their prayers and that he will hear ours too!

I've been feeling very strongly about something for a while now, I've decided to act on it. This is one of those projects I've been alluding to in the last couple of posts. I feel really silly when I tell people about it, but I feel like it is really important for me to do and that the Spirit is telling me so. Part of this year was getting to know myself, yes. But another part of it is preparing to be a better mother than I would have been. And I think part of that should be learning about children, and babies, and taking care of them. There is another family in our ward that I really look up to! They have six children and are amazing parents!! I especially look up to Jeanette. I've watched her in sacrament meeting with her kids. She is always SO patient and kind to them. Even when they are throwing a tantrum and just being naughty. She just quietly whispers to them, never gets frustrated (I'm sure that's not true, I think all mothers must get frustrated! But she hides it very well!). That is the kind of mom I want to learn how to be.

And learn it I will have to do! I get so frustrated with Willow, my dog, so I'm sure that I am going to have to learn to keep my temper under control, learn to hide my impatience, and to be kind even when I feel like yelling. But I really really do not want to be a yelling mom.

Anyway, Jeannette just had a baby not to long ago. So I've asked her if I could come over a couple of hours each week and she can teach me some things about babies, and about being a mom. I think she was excited, and I know I am. While I felt so silly asking "can you teach me to be a mom" it feels right. I hope to get to the point that she can leave the kids with me and they can go out. I want to say here that my own mom has taught me a lot about being a great mom! She is loving and kind as well, and very service oriented. So I feel like I already been given a great example, and have a very good foundation to grow from.

For anyone who has struggled to get pregnant, you will understand how painful it is. How hard it is to go to baby showers, and even to church sometimes. I had to force myself to go to the Halloween party (where we took 1st place for our Chili, by the way!!!) because I knew I would see so many cute little families. How you have to hurry past the baby section in Wal-mart or Target, because if you don't, you'll find yourself wandering through the clothes while your heart is being twisted inside out.

But you know, even with all that, I feel like this year has given me a lot of perspective. I'm actually glad I haven't had kids up until now. Because I know that I will be a much better mommy then I would have been. I still will fall on my face... a lot... but it will be better for my children that I have had some time to grow up. And now, I thank my Father every day for that time! And I know, being a parent is around the corner, and I'd better finish getting ready (well, as ready as one can be for something that you can never really be ready for!)!!