When I Grow Up...

This was a song that I listened to when I was a little girl. (I don't want to hear any snarky comments about brainwashing! :D) Funny thing is, when I was a little girl babies were the farthest thing from my mind! I am the youngest of three. So I never took care of younger siblings. And because I was the youngest of my neighborhood girls, by the time I was old enough to babysit everyone already had babysitters. So there were like two families I tended for sometimes, and they were older kids.

My first diaper I ever changed? I threw up afterward! Now granted, it was a 3 year old's diaper, but still.

When I was like twelve and suppose to be gaga over babies - I would hide from them. When I would go to young women's if there were babies all the other girls would be fighting over who got to hold them next. Not me! I wasn't interested.

I had one young women's leader that would make me hold her baby. And there was a baby that I really loved to hold on my mission. But other than that... well yeah. That's about the extent of my baby experience.

It wasn't until we had been married a year or two before all of sudden I got hit in the head with baby hunger. I just couldn't get over them. Everywhere I went, it was all I saw. Babies, baby stuff, baby clothes, pregnant women, etc. I still didn't want to hold babies. Not because I really didn't want to, but because I was scared. I felt awkward and stupid about the fact that I felt awkward! Shouldn't every woman know how to hold a baby? I don't. Still don't really. I will hold one if I am sitting down. I hate the pass off - that's the worst!!

Anyway you get the picture, right?

Well, even though I'm clueless about babies and kids, I want one more than anything. We've been not protecting for about 4 years. But we haven't done any fertility. We will. And if we can't get prego, we will adopt.

This year has been about finding myself. I've lost about 40lbs, I'm much more spiritual and aware of myself then I've been, probably ever. I'm happy, I have happy thoughts, and I love my life. I still have a long way to go to be the woman I want to be for the the people I love, but I'm getting there. But there is still something missing. I still yearn to be a mom. I still yearn to give hugs and kisses, kiss scraped knees, and give away yellow balloons! I know that every mom who is reading this right now, is rolling their eyes.

There is a couple of upsides to having children later, one of which you get to watch all your friends have kids first. So you get to learn from their mistakes! :D Thanks ya'll! I have done a lot of watching in the last four years and this I know - being a mom is not all hugs and kisses. It is exhausting, frustrating, harder then anything I've done up until now. I get that. But I still want it!!

There is this couple in our ward (church) that had been trying to get pregnant for 9 years. They finally adopted the sweetest little boy about a year and 1/2 ago (who funny enough, looks just like them). At our Halloween party I saw her and realized she is pregnant. I asked her about it in the hall way (with tons of people around) and she told me they were preparing for their second adoption this summer when she found out she was pregnant! I got so excited for her I just gave her a big hug and started crying (again, with tons of people around, I felt really silly!). Sure, partly they were sad-jealous tears if I'm honest. But more than that they were happy-hopeful tears. Happy for her that she gets to have her dream come true, hopeful for us. I know that Heavenly Father has heard their prayers and that he will hear ours too!

I've been feeling very strongly about something for a while now, I've decided to act on it. This is one of those projects I've been alluding to in the last couple of posts. I feel really silly when I tell people about it, but I feel like it is really important for me to do and that the Spirit is telling me so. Part of this year was getting to know myself, yes. But another part of it is preparing to be a better mother than I would have been. And I think part of that should be learning about children, and babies, and taking care of them. There is another family in our ward that I really look up to! They have six children and are amazing parents!! I especially look up to Jeanette. I've watched her in sacrament meeting with her kids. She is always SO patient and kind to them. Even when they are throwing a tantrum and just being naughty. She just quietly whispers to them, never gets frustrated (I'm sure that's not true, I think all mothers must get frustrated! But she hides it very well!). That is the kind of mom I want to learn how to be.

And learn it I will have to do! I get so frustrated with Willow, my dog, so I'm sure that I am going to have to learn to keep my temper under control, learn to hide my impatience, and to be kind even when I feel like yelling. But I really really do not want to be a yelling mom.

Anyway, Jeannette just had a baby not to long ago. So I've asked her if I could come over a couple of hours each week and she can teach me some things about babies, and about being a mom. I think she was excited, and I know I am. While I felt so silly asking "can you teach me to be a mom" it feels right. I hope to get to the point that she can leave the kids with me and they can go out. I want to say here that my own mom has taught me a lot about being a great mom! She is loving and kind as well, and very service oriented. So I feel like I already been given a great example, and have a very good foundation to grow from.

For anyone who has struggled to get pregnant, you will understand how painful it is. How hard it is to go to baby showers, and even to church sometimes. I had to force myself to go to the Halloween party (where we took 1st place for our Chili, by the way!!!) because I knew I would see so many cute little families. How you have to hurry past the baby section in Wal-mart or Target, because if you don't, you'll find yourself wandering through the clothes while your heart is being twisted inside out.

But you know, even with all that, I feel like this year has given me a lot of perspective. I'm actually glad I haven't had kids up until now. Because I know that I will be a much better mommy then I would have been. I still will fall on my face... a lot... but it will be better for my children that I have had some time to grow up. And now, I thank my Father every day for that time! And I know, being a parent is around the corner, and I'd better finish getting ready (well, as ready as one can be for something that you can never really be ready for!)!!


Sabrina said…
I am going to keep you and your hubby in my prayers! I believe that is an awesome project and you are blessed to have such wonderful examples. You will be a great mom to a very lucky child!
Becky said…
That is such a great idea! I am totally in the same boat as you...I wasn't super baby involved growing up. I think it might have been because I was the youngest and didn't have babies around, but either way I did not grow up with a desire to have babies right away.

I am praying for you and your hubby. It will work out as it is supposed to! Just keep your faith.
Sam, you mentioned above how this last year has been about finding yourself...I can't help but say this....you never truly find yourself until you forget yourself. Parenting is such an incredible service. It's through serving other people that we come to know ourselves. Now, I don't mean to forget about yourself and not take care of yourself, because that is not good. Just know that you will not learn everything ahead of the game....you must play the game honey :) You are already an incredible person who knows more then you think!!!
I can relate to that pain and emptiness of wanting your own child. It took us 4 years... which isn't nearly as long as some, but for me it was an eternity filled with heartache and many many prayers. And so when I finally did have that first child, the joy was indescribable. And then our first two ended up having autism, which I tell ya, really burst my bubble on how motherhood would be and the hopes of finding joy in it. BUT, because I had to wait and because of those years longing, I would NEVER forget that when I was at the end of my rope. There are many things I just did not take for grantid because of that and many things I endured because of that.

I love that you are seeking to learn about motherhood, no matter what your age. We never know why things are the way they are, but that the Lord has us go through things for a reason and to prepare us and it's all GOOD.

Best of luck to you Sam... you are an amazing, courageous woman who let's her light so shine!!

God Bless!
ladyofthehouse said…
Learning from parents you amdmire is a great thing to do!! I'm sure they'll be super appreciative too that first time they can go have couple time while you watch their kiddos :)
I will be praying for you and your husband!
diane :)
Sam said…
Thank you so much for all the amazing comments! While it saddens me to know that some of you have gone through this, it also gives me hope and strength.

Becca - I couldn't agree more with you. Parenting is the ultimate service. I guess what I meant when I said "Finding myself" is that I've been getting myself to a place where I could forget myself and give. For the last couple of years, I wouldn't have been able to do that. I know that I have NO idea what parenting will be like, how taxing and challenging it will really be. I guess I'm just saying I want to find out!

I finally feel like I am playing the game (maybe just a different game than "mom"), where as before I was just sitting at the top of the bleachers watching it pass me by. And I'm not waiting until I have children to start serving. It starts now. Thanks so much for your comment, as always you are the best!
HCGpower said…
Hardest thing to do is wait and then wonder if it will ever happen to you. Between my oldest and my second there are 4 years of waiting and miscarrages not the same as having none but hard none the less. My little sis partner has struggled over to have chilcren too. You are very wise to study up on being a better Mom. Check out the James Jones method
and the two of you work on what will work for you because then you will be a more united front when those long awaited lovely chillens gang up on you:) I love mine but dang some days I can't wait till they get mature enough to stop the whines.
Kimberly said…
Sam, you're awesome.

So there.

Hi, Sam
Such a beautiful post, as always. I think your idea of being mentored by this woman you know is a terrific idea. Since parenting is the most important job there is, it's very responsible of you to want to be the best parent you can be, and what better way than to learn from first hand experience. Let us know how it goes, OK?
Natalia said…
Sam! I can relate. Everything you described sounds like me. I was so afraid to hold babies! I got married thinking I would never want babies!

I think that it was awesome and brave to put yourself out there and offer to help and be helped by this lovely mom! :)

You're going to be a great mom!
Joy said…
Sam, What an awesome idea! It will be a blessing for the both of you.

Please know I'm praying for you guys and when it happens, you will be great parents!!

Love and hugs!
GeorgiaBE said…
Oh sweetie! I'm praying for you! I know what a stuggle this can be!

And just so you know--you will be a yelling mom! :) I know all those things I said I would never do I've done, and yelling is one of them (although thankfully I don't do it alot, but there is a time and place for it believe me!)
I knew nothing about babies and never changed a diaper until my first, but when that first came after all the stuggle to get pregnant it was such a blessing--I found out about a side of me I never dreamed I'd have...I get to grow with each of my kids and I've realized I don't have all the answers, no mom does. But we do the best that we can and loving a child you are blessed with in your life is the most important thing you can do!

I'm so glad you are searching your soul now and finding things that will work for you when you become a parent, but remember to be flexible because so much of what you think you will do/be doesn't work when you actually are--and that's ok because you adjust (and later laugh with your friends about some of it!)

Keep positive!

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