Friday, April 30, 2010

I gave up

So I’ve had a depression problem since high school. Honestly it probably started even younger than that, like elementary school, but I didn’t name it until high school. Every couple of months I go through a depression. Usually it lasts a couple of weeks up to a month or two. In high school it was really bad. My junior year it started and I don’t think I really came out of it until the summer after I graduated. It was bad. Suicidal bad. Luckily, I never did anything too damaging. I went to a doctor one time, but he just wanted to put me on drugs, and I said no. I had friends that took them, and it just put them in a fog, a non-feeling fog. I didn’t want that. So I suffered through it. It was painful, and hard, and lonely. The summer after I graduated I met a woman that introduced me to a communications/relationship/self esteem course that changed my life. During this whole time I was not exactly active in my church. I lived a double life, and I don’t think a lot of people knew what was going on with me. Or maybe they did, and I was just too na├»ve to know that. So on Sunday I went to church and played the part, but my heart was far from it. Although looking back, I know now that what I needed… was church. Faith. Forgiveness. Hope. God! But… it’s always when we need it most that we seem to turn away from it, isn’t it.

It was a time in my life that I was very impressionable. As the saying goes, I didn’t know what I believed – so I believed everything. Everything wrong (for me) that is. I allowed outside influences to change me, to hurt me, to control me. But thank goodness that the Lord knows us. He knows our hearts, and he knows how to reach us. Any outreach from someone from church, well I was NOT interested in it. But when I met this woman that took me to the communications course, at the time I didn’t see any connection to religion, so it was something I was willing to do. But in the end, it turned me toward all that I had been taught growing up, all that was truly missing in my life, and all that really brought me happiness in the end. I learned a lot of life lessons from those courses, and one thing I learned was that my depression is a choice, and that when I want to, I can pull myself out of it.

I think there are different kinds of depression. I believe that some people truly do have a chemical imbalance that creates big problems for them. And that their depression can only be helped with drugs and lots of care. I feel for these people! I have some near and dear ones that have these problems. I also believe that too many people think they fall in that category, but really, they unconsciously choose to be depressed. When I was in Massage school I learned a concept that when someone is not living up to their belief system, whatever it is, they will be unhappy. I think that is the cause of a majority of the depression in this world. I know it’s the problem for me.

So why the topic of depression? Well you can probably guess. I gave up this week. I stopped trying completely. For three days now, when I haven’t been at work, I’ve been reading in my bed. That’s my hiding place – books! As mentioned in my last post I had fallen off the wagon. I did go grocery shopping, but it didn’t help. I didn’t buy junk, and yet I still manage to find junk to eat??? How that works out, I just don’t know. Then on Tuesday something so small set me off and I just sobbed. It really was nothing to cry about, it was then that I finally acknowledged that I am battling some depression. And I’ll be the first to say, it’s my fault.

As I have mentioned, I am under quite a bit of stress. But instead of dealing with that stress and doing things to alleviate it, I’ve done nothing to the point that it became so compounded that it just overwhelmed me into doing nothing. This blog is about accountability, so there it is. I have done nothing this week. Literally! Beyond going to work, I haven’t taken care of any of my responsibilities. I’ve eaten horribly, I’ve treated those I love horribly, and I’ve treated myself horribly. I’ve shirked my responsibilities, and have not been living within my belief system. No wonder!!

Well this morning I had a conference call with me, myself, I, and the Lord. It went pretty well, and He was really kind, as always. I know that He expects more of me, and honestly, I expect more of me. Yes, things are a little tough right now. But as mentioned in my So Many Blessing post, they are not so bad as they could be. After quite a bit of repenting, I started making a list of all the things that are stressing me out so much. And then I started making a second list of how I can either help or alleviate those stresses altogether. It made me start to feel better to realize that I could deal with this and how to do it. The real problem with depression is that it’s complete focus on one’s self. And that’s where I’ve been living. I’ve been really selfish and only thinking about “oh poor me”. As I made my list, I realized there are people that I need to focus on that are NOT me! And as I thought of things I could do to help them, I suddenly started to feel a little better. It’s not going to go away overnight. This I know. But… I also know that if I will push myself into action and accomplish that second list, that in the end I’ll know just how powerful I am. And I’ll be able to make an impact in other people’s lives, which ultimately is something I want to do more than anything else!

Part of why I am sharing this is because, one accountability. As Dr. Phil says, you can’t change what you don’t acknowledge. And two, I know there are a lot of others out there that also suffer from depression. I want you to know, you’re not alone. If you ever need to talk, I’m here and can relate! I received a lot of kind remarks on my last post, calls, and support. THANK YOU!!! I know I keep saying that, but I really really really appreciate it. If there is anything I can do to return it, please don’t hesitate to ask. I need to focus outward right now, so if you need help with something, please ask!!! Thank you, and much love! Now, I’m off to do some work!

Tuesday, April 27, 2010

Ouch... my bum hurts... that was a big fall

Ummm. Yeah. That thud you heard back there, yeah that was me falling off the wagon. :) Yesterday I got a tad bit emotional and fell off the deep end. I landed in a BIG pile of cheesy nachos. Possibly two plates full. And there may have been some chocolate chips involved. Maybe. So what was I to do but eat them??? **Hangs head in shame**

No really, I had an emotional night and didn't handle it very well. I didn't have the best weekend either. Last night I had this thought "This is the beginning of the end." This is how it always happens. How I always get stuck and stop trying. I have a couple of bad days and before I know it, I'm justifying all the food, and before ya know it, I don't care anymore. So I wanted to come clean so that I could let it go, forgive myself, and move on. The difference this time, is that I actually have some real accountability. That makes all the difference. So I'm slapping my hand, and going to the grocery store. That way I'll have LOTS of healthy foods to choose from. Thanks for listening. Thanks for holding me accountable. :)

Friday, April 23, 2010

So many blessings!

Tonight I've got trials and tribulations on the mind. This morning I was praying on my way to work as I tend to do, and was really focusing on what I am grateful for. Because even though I have a ton of stuff going on that is kind of stressing me out, I'm so totally blessed!! I started thinking about how easy it is for us to think that the world is falling apart, but really... it's not. Really, my trials are not that big. Yes, they are real to me, but if I put them in perspective, they’re just not that bad. It's like a pebble. If you hold a pebble up to your eye it is HUGE!! It appears that there is no way around it. You feel stuck and much imposed upon. But then, if you take that stupid pebble and you throw it across the room, you see it for what it really is. A pebble. Something tiny, not even worth noticing as you step over it and move on with your day.

It seems like lately things around here have gotten a little crazy. Between Mike's back problems, having my brother-in-law move in, and just being an emotional women attempting some crazy goals it's been a little nuts. I've had that pebble good and close to my eye. I was reading in my scriptures about a people that were in bondage. They had some serious burdens being laid on their shoulders. And when they prayed to the Lord, he helped them and made their burdens light. "And now it came to pass that the burdens which were laid upon Alma and his brethren were made light; yea, the Lord did strengthen them that they could bear up their burdens with ease, and they did submit cheerfully and with patience to all the will of the Lord." This scripture really hit me right between the eyes. Because yes, I have trials, but as I said, if I can step back and look at them, they’re not that bad. I have not been very cheerful or patient, which in the end just makes things that much more worse. I guess what I'm getting at, although I do have hard things going on right now, I have also been SOOOOO blessed! I have a wonderful family that supports me, I have a warm home to call my own, I have a darling husband that has a strong work ethic and is willing to show his love for me, I have the gospel in my life to hold me up, I have a fantastic job that I love, I have plenty of food to eat (probably could do with less :), and I have the opportunity to help out a family member. Ultimately, life is good.

Last week I made an effort to track my emotions and as I mentioned, it went really well. This week I am focusing on getting my minerals and vitamins in. And more importantly on being cheerful and patient with things that I find hard. I know that as I strive to do that, the Lord will help to make the rest light and more bearable.

Something that has been a HUGE strength to me is YOU! Thank you so much for reading my blog, for leaving comments, and even for those silent readers. I still feel your strength, and it is MUCH appreciated!!! Thank you!

Let's go and have a cheerful (and patient) week! What are you grateful for?


Thursday, April 22, 2010

Weigh in was successful!! :)

I lost 3.4lbs.  I got my 16 week award and my 25lbs award. Woo Hoo!!! Just had to share! :)

Celebrating Success!!!

I feel really good about the last week! I know I'm going to have a pretty good loss, but that's not all I'm feeling happy about.

I'm still doing gluten free, and am not really struggling with that! There has been only one time where I forgot. Mike and I went to a birthday party for my friend and there was a beautiful cake. I LOVE CAKE!! Big weakness for me! So I thought, I'll just have a small piece. And all night I thought about how tasty it was going to be. I didn't eat a lot of the other things so that I could save on calories. Finally it came time to cut the cake. As her sister passed me, I asked her to cut me a small piece (with lots of frosting though - you people who wipe it off I just DON'T get you!;). I was so proud of myself for managing my points, and for asking for a small piece. She goes to hand it to me and Mike looks at me and says "You can't eat that!". At first I was a little indignant, but then I realized what he meant. It has flour. BOOOO!!! I was so sad! But really, that has been the only time it's been a challenge. Okay, that's not true. Sometimes grocery shopping is hard, but as long as I avoid the bakery, I can remain calm. Haha.

I also feel really proud about not eating out for more than two weeks now!! I know that eating out isn't necessarily a bad thing. And that the whole point about WW is that you can make it fit into your life style. But a BIG part of my problem the last five years is that I have become addicted to eating out. And eating horribly when I do. And spending WAY too much money on it! I have become so dependent on those "feel good" moments I truly doubted whether I could do this. So I am really excited to find that I can! And I feel great, and have stopped thinking about it so much. On Friday nights it's hard to stay in, but other than that I'm getting use to it.

I have been walking this week with one of my friends. We also will have another friend joining us soon. We went on Monday and Tuesday, and I went by myself yesterday (in the rain!). We are going again tonight, and I'll go by myself tomorrow, as she can't go on Fridays. There is a fun walking trail just right in our neighborhood. We aren't exactly sure how long it is, but it takes us about 30 minutes to walk it. It feels good to be out and about! And, sadly we had to cancel our membership at the gym. But I am determined to make the outdoors my gym this summer. I have a beautiful bike and plan to ride, walk with my friends, hike as much as possible, and even try some new things.

I had mentioned a couple of posts ago that I was going to track my feelings and why I was eating along with my food this week. I really feel like it made a big difference. There was one time that I emotionally ate. I recognized it for what it was, but didn't stop it. But then last night I felt the urge to do it, but didn't give in. I plan to continue doing this as it really helped me to be more aware of my body. And I think it helps me to not only "diet" but have an actual healthy relationship with food.

I weigh in tonight. I don't know what the scale will say, but regardless, I feel like I've had a very successful week!!

Wednesday, April 21, 2010

4 Is More Than 2, and 1 Is Too Many

Isn't it funny the games we play in our head? For those of you doing Weight Watchers, I'm talking in points today. I was thinking about bread (even though I'm not eating it right now). I have a friend whose husband joined WW with her a few days ago. The bread he loves to eat is 2 points a slice. So if he has two slices for a sandwich, he is using 4 points for bread. To me, that's too much. I'd rather use only 2 (for those local readers - try the Prairie Grain bread. The one with the white label and black and red writing!!! It's delicious heavy wheat bread and only one point per slice), and then use the other 2 on something else. So in the case of bread, 4 is too many. But then if you were talking about something like Chicken or meat, then 4 is just right. My newest treat is this - 1 point for mini marshmallows, 1 point for chocolate chips. I measure it out on my electric scale and then snack on them throughout the day. I get a sweet treat all day, but don't use many points. What foods are you willing to spend points on?

1 is too many? This thought comes from recalculating your points. You know how as you go down in weight you have to recalculate your points and you lose 1 point for every 10lb increment? It always amazes me how that 1 point can throw off my whole groove! It takes me at least a week or two to get readjusted to the new point value, even if it's only a difference of 1. I guess it's true; 1 point really does make a difference! :) What tricks do you use to manage your points?

Saturday, April 17, 2010

Noxious Weeds

This morning I have been working on clearing the other half of my raspberry patch. It is completely overrun by trees, bushes, and noxious weeds. I've noticed that some of the weeds are just surface weeds and pull out really easy, and others have deep roots. And often times those deep roots are entangled with the raspberry bush roots. So I have to be very careful as I untangle them so as to not hurt my precious raspberries!

It got me thinking about Satan and growing up. I think there are certain sins that are similar to those of the surface weeds. He doesn't have to plant those near my heart, because he knows, they won't take root. It is not a temptation for me to rob a bank. It just isn't. It is not a temptation for me to murder someone (well... nah, we won't go down that thought path. :). There are certain commandments of God, and laws of the land, that are no problem for me to follow. But then there are others that I do struggle with. And most of them are not the temporal laws, but the personal ones. Honoring our bodies as a temple (how many of us at one point has hated our body?), honoring our neighbor as our self. Well, if you are full of noxious thoughts and hatred for yourself, then your neighbor may be getting the short end of the stick.

As I have been on my journey this last four months of working to get my weight off I have really found that there are lots of noxious weeds on my inside. When we are born and are little children, we essentially are born with a perfect perception of ourselves and the world around us. Think of the children in your life, their main concerns are to feel loved, have shelter, to learn, and to be fed (oh and to play and have fun!). But as we grow, things happen to us, we learn bad habits, we make bad choices with painful consequences, and soon those beautiful feelings we had about ourselves and the world are bogged down by these things. The noxious weeds take over and the beauty within is tied down and cannot shine. Soon we are full of self defeating thoughts, hatred, pain, and negativity. And Satan - he is gleeful at this!! He no longer has to maintain this particular garden. Although I may not be robbing banks and killing people, I am still letting him have influence on me.

So, you know what comes next right? Lots of hard work. Lots of pulling, tugging, digging, and sweating. Watch out for the thorns, those hurt! Oh, and while your digging out all those weeds, make sure you don't pull out the precious things along with it. Things like personal values, religious beliefs, etc. And the most precious of all, the knowledge of oneself that ultimately you are a good person, you deserve happiness, you deserve joy, you deserve to be thin, you deserve to be loved, you deserve to love others, you are a child of God. These are all things that as children, we didn't doubt, we just innately knew them. But those weeds that have been planted in our hearts - the ones that tell you don't deserve any of that, that you are crap (you are not crap!), they are deeply entangled together. Not only will it take the hard work to get them out, it will also take some gentleness, patience, understanding, forgiving, and oh yeah - probably lots of tears.

I have to say; it was really satisfying this morning as I cleared a spot for each different raspberry bush. Each time I got one clear and cleaned out around the base, then shored it up with more dirt, it felt so good. The same has been for my heart. It's been a tough four months, and I think I've really only gotten to the surface stuff. I know that as I continue to work on cleaning out all the weeds, it's going to get harder, more painful, and more satisfying in the end. And then just as I make sure there is plenty of dirt at the base, water, sun, and nutrition to help my plants grow, I must do the same for my heart and soul. Make sure that my base is covered by the gospel of Jesus Christ. That I am giving it lots of scripture reading and prayer. I truly believe that as I do this, my body will start to feel clean from the inside, and it won't be such a struggle to eat to honor my body, and not to stuff my emotions. It won't be such a challenge to exercise because I’ll recognize it as something that I can do to cherish my body and what it was created for, and I ultimately I will finally be able to say goodbye to all this weight. The real Sam will immerge and it will be glorious! I was going to say "I can't wait", and partly that is true. But mostly, I’m so glad to already be on my path, already have started my journey. It's a beautiful life, and I'm excited to see what it brings! So get your gardening gloves on and join me, let's get rid of those noxious weeds together!!!

Friday, April 16, 2010

Tracking more than just food

Last night in Weight Watchers we talked about having good self monitoring skills. We talked about the fact that we are NOT the number on the scale. I am NOT my weight! I am NOT my weight! (Just drilling it in, ya know?) That we cannot control the results on the scale, only our actions. And that as we are on this journey to a healthier life, we need to monitor other things as well so that we can have a good outlook about ourselves and the success we are getting. As I have been really emotional lately, I've done a lot of emotional eating. Normally I track my food online, but this week I'm going to use the little paper booklet. And I'm not only going to track my food that I eat, but the reason I'm eating. I'm pledging to myself not to eat one bite until it is written in my tracker, along with the reason behind it. I have a feeling this will be really eye opening to me of often I really do eat food for reasons other than hunger.

It's been really interesting to not eat out. I never realized how often I did before, and how often I think about it. The first few days, it was all I could think about, you know that whole "want it because I can't have it". Then for the next few I wasn't dwelling on it as much, but I would still think, "We should go XXX tonight" or "XXX sounds really yummy, maybe I'll stop there on my way home" or "I'll just go to XXX for lunch and then I can sleep longer instead of getting up to make my lunch". I would have these types of thoughts probably a couple of times an hour. It's made me realize how addicted I am to eating out! Not that eating out is a bad thing all the time. But it does kinda depend on where you are going, and what you are eating. And for the most part, these cravings are not for steamed veggies and grilled chicken. ;) There have also been several times where I've almost compromised with myself or rationalized about what could be considered "eating out". But I haven't given in (go me!) because I want to FINISH something. To be able to say this was my goal, and that I did it! So I'm going to make it clear here and now with all of you as witness that going out to get frozen yogurt for dessert is eating out! There, now there will be no rationalizations to make about that one! :)

Share your off scale successes with me, what did you do well today?


I'm looking for a doctor

This post if for my local readers. So, I was really naughty last year, and didn't go to the doctor!! I have just really struggled to find one that I connect with (that doesn't make me feel like I'm just a number) and that is willing to really help me. I received a stern talking to (okay not really, she is too nice to talk sternly to me) from a friend. I promised her I would find a doctor and go. So... if you have a OB GYN that you would reccomend, please contact me. You can leave their info in a comment, or if you want to e-mail me privately, that's fine too. Thanks for your help!


Thursday, April 15, 2010

Just acknowledging

It has been a very interesting month. I've had a lot of unexpected stresses. We weren't planning on Mike's back (when is something like that ever planned for?). It has been a real challenge for him. It's been stressful having him out of work and having to take FMLA. But can I just say how grateful I am that he has been blessed with a great job that comes with short term! I'm grateful that he is able to take the time he needs to heal. There are other areas of my life that have also been adding stress. I am not at liberty to discuss them here, but let's just say it has been a painful couple of weeks. Last night I had someone that I love hurt me. I know she didn't mean to. She was trying to be encouraging and help me see some hard truths. But I wasn't ready to face those truths, I just needed a friend. Either way, I've thought a lot about what she said, and although it hurt, she is right. I guess it takes a real friend to tell you the things you least want to hear. The truth is I haven't been really trying, I haven't been pushing myself. I've been allowing family stress, money stress, work stress, friend stress, and what others think of me stop me from doing what I want most. I've spent so much energy on all that's been going wrong; I've missed what could be going right. Sometimes I feel like being like Willow, and taking my blankie, going into a corner, and just pouting. But... I'm not a dog (no comments from the peanut gallery on that one!), I'm not a child, and I have to be responsible. It's time to buck up and stop whining. It's time to stop complaining about what isn't and focus on what is. It's time to step up and CHANGE what I have in my power to change and then trust in God that the rest will work itself out. This means bringing in extra income to relieve that pressure, this means being a better house keeper on a regular basis so it doesn't build up and I'm ready to pop! This means taking better care of my husband and giving him a better environment in which he can heal in. And it means taking better care of me and really getting outside my comfort zone to lose this dang weight. Time to pull on my big girl panties and do something about it all. It means it's time to stop just talking about change, and actually do it. I'll admit I'm scared. Scared I can't do it. Scared I can't really become the person I want to be, and that those loved ones in my life need me to be. Scared that I'll always feel average. You can't change what you don't acknowledge, so I'm acknowledging my fears, but I'm not going to wallow in them. I'm going to go to bed, and tomorrow I'm going to wake up and be ready for a new day. I'm going to come up with a schedule that contains exercise, money building activities, cooking, cleaning and yard work. I'm going to pray for those I feel wronged by and forgive them, and pray that I can be aware of others and not hurt them. I'm going to have a positive attitude and push the negative out. I'm going to go and do. Wish me luck!


Wednesday, April 14, 2010

If you're a woman...

Go to this blog and read this post. It's very inspiring. In fact, even if your not trying to lose weight, but are trying to better yourself in any way, then read it. In fact, if you're a woman, then read this post. We women are just so easy to fall into bad thought patterns about ourselves. I love that she has not only lost weight, but recongizned that a big part of that weight loss problem, was a problem in her thinking. Read it!! (It's not really about sex, that's just in the title. :) )


An update on things

Good things about today:
*It's also a warm sunny day!
*I'm going to the gym, hopefully with my cousin, but if not, I'll still go alone.
*I'm going to plant my herbs in their little starter thingys (still don't know the name).
*I'm going to Costco, that's always a delightful experience (maybe I'll buy a new shirt and a pair of jeans for Mike).
*I'm making yummy taco soup for dinner! Its SO easy and way tasty, thanks to Liana for sharing the recipe. I'll take pictures and post it to my recipe site.
*THE SUN IS SHINNING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
*I'm eating clean today!!!
*I have eaten gluten free for a full week, not eaten out for a full week, and tracked my food for a full week!
*I didn't give in yesterday and eat out and eat gluten, so today I feel happy about that!
*Willow goes in for a follow up today from her surgrey, and hopefully will get the go ahead to actually run. Not that she hasn't been, you try stopping that dog from running! But we haven't been actively encouraging it, and her energy is all bottled up. She needs to run good and hard for 30 minutes.
*DID I MENTION THE SUN IS SHINNING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (Can you tell I'm excited? Yes, read that as if I'm screaming it at the top of my lungs. Love that sun!)

Not so good things about today:
*I kept getting stuck behind slow people on the way to work to day. Uhg, don't they know that's why there are mulitple lanes? The left lane is NOT for people going 10 under the speed limit. GRR.
*Yesterday Mike had an injection of steroids, he is still in a LOT of pain. I am crossing my fingers and praying hard that it will kick in and he will get some relief soon. Please pray with me.
*Yesterday I did have a two hour fight with food, and I'm very sorry to say the food won, so I don't feel so happy about that today. But.... I am not beating myself up on it, and looking at the bright side - that most of the food I did eat was not that terrible for me and was all gluten free! And I didn't order pizza, even though I REALLY wanted to! Darn emotional eating, I've got to get that one under control! ;)

TODAY will be a GREAT day! Hope yours is too!


Sunday, April 11, 2010

What a lovely weekend!

I had a fantastic weekend! Mike came to visit me (on Thursday) and brought me these BEAUTIFUL flowers!!! Wasn't that so thoughtful of him! He is so good to me. Even more impressive, he picks out all his flowers when he gets them. Love that man!!

I thought it would be torturous not to eat out, but it wasn't that bad. Friday I made one of our favorite new dishes, Green Curry with shrimp. Mike and I went to Cal Ranch and bought some gardening tools for me to use. And I bought some herbs and a starter thingy (yeah, I don't know the name of it, I'm new to this stuff). I'm hoping I'm not too late! Then I made some tasty rice crispy treats, as they are gluten free. Note to self - DON'T make homemade treats! :) Yeah, that wasn't the best idea, but they were tasty!! And really, they are only 2 points per treat; it just kinda depends on how many you eat... oops! Oh well, I'm not beating myself up over it. Then Saturday morning I got up at 8 and worked out in the yard for a couple of hours. We have a huge raspberry patch that is in desperate need of some love. Actually, let's be honest, the whole yard needs an over haul. That will be my project for probably all of the summer. I really enjoyed it though! I took this picture of the sun, because I was so happy it was shinning, even if it's not the best picture.

This a picture of our raspberry patch last summer.

This is a picture of it after we cleaned it out a little (okay, or a LOT).

This is a picture of it after I was done on Saturday. I think it's looking MUCH better! I still have the other half to do and it's twice as bad. **Sigh** But it will be well worth it for the huge plump juicy raspberries!!! Yum! (Fun side note, when I woke up I went to put on some grubbies. I knew I wanted to wear jeans, but didn't want to wear my nice ones. I reached for some old ones that I haven't been able to put on for almost a year. And they came right up! Same with the shirt I'm wearing in this picture. I was so excited!)

Then I went and got my hair done. What do you think of the new do?

Then I hit the tail end of my friends baby shower. I kind of had a break down in scheduling and wasn't able to attend the whole thing, but I did go. I was glad to see her, she was glowing with pregnancy. Does that make sense? :) And I got to see a few other friends as well. We had our picture taken, but I don't have it, as soon as I do, I'll post it. Then I came home and hung out for a few, and then we went to my other friend’s house for her birthday party. We had SOOO much fun and laughed a TON. I get anxious about going into group settings. I don't like them. But I felt comfortable for most of the night and am really glad I went to both the shower and the party.

And then today Mike and I had a great day. All in all, it was a wonderful weekend! I'm gearing up for a great week! I plan to spend time in the yard every day, to go to the gym several times, and the temple. It's going to be a fantastic week, and I hope yours is too!

(I posted a new soup recipe on my Food, Recipes, and More if your interested. Enjoy!)

Thursday, April 8, 2010

It feels so great!

Yesterday I had the pleasure of talking to one of my demonstrators; let's call her Demo Pink Passion (because she is so passionate about life!). She has had a tough year. Lots of extra pressures on her, family stuff, and other things. This demo is so positive usually and has a fabulous attitude! Yesterday, she had let the weight on her shoulders bring her down. But let's be fair, sometimes you need that. You need to be able to vent. You need to be able to feel sad, if you're sad, angry if you're angry, etc. The important thing is not to stay there. If you do, you get stuck in a negative circle, and it just keeps getting worse. Demo Passion is really good at seeing when she is in that circle, and pulling herself out. And when she doesn't see it, she is really good about accepting a gentle push in the right direction. Now, I don't know if what I said was "gentle" per say, but it was done with love at least! ;) Sometimes you just need a friend to tell you to forgive yourself and move on. What was really cool is as I was telling her that, I realized, I was telling myself that too. I've been in a circle, and can't seem to get out. I've been discouraged about my business goals, my weight loss goals, and my relationship goals. I have had some things happen in the last two weeks that I let stop me. I let them control me. And I haven't been doing what I can do to change anything. Well, after this great chat with my friend, she was feeling better, and so was I! I realized that just as she is a determined, smart, woman, so am I. And I can do better, and should expect better from myself. There is no point in beating myself up over it. It is what it is. I've forgiven myself, and I'm ready to move on.

Today is my 3rd day eating clean in a row. It feels so great! I haven't been eating any gluten, and at this point, I honestly don't miss it. It felt so empowering today when there were donuts and treats, and I didn't even feel compelled to cheat. In fact, I felt proud that I didn't even want them and that I had the power to say, no. I also passed up the opportunity to eat out. It was a good day. I weigh in tonight, but no matter what the scale says, I feel good. The sun is shining, I'm learning about myself, I went to the gym yesterday BY MYSELF, and I love life.

So here is my win about the gym. Okay, first of all, I get off work and think "I'm going to the gym". By the time I got home it was "I should go to the gym". After I'd had a snack and watch a little of Angel (Yes, we are huge Angel and Buffy fans, I'm a geek - I know) I thought "Maybe I won’t' go". Mike really encouraged me though, so I bucked up, put my shorts on (I have never worn shorts at the gym!), and went. I get there and get on the elliptical machine. I think to myself, I'll do 30 minutes. After about 8 minutes I think, "I'll just do 20". Then, when I got to 20, I noticed that I was at 1.59 miles. So I thought, "I'll just do 2 miles". So when I got to 2 miles, I had 5 minutes more and I would be at 30. SO I did it. It felt so good afterward and I accomplished what I had set out to do. Yes, it took some encouragement and steps, but I did it!

One of the things Demo Passion and I talked about was remembering the why. That is something that I really have to go back and think about. Why am I doing all of this? Well one, I want to be a better person, wife, daughter, friend, coworker, etc. Two, I want to be a better mom then I would be if I didn't do it. I don't think I would be a bad mom now, I just think I could be better. I want to be a mom more than anything, and I know that to get there, and have a healthy baby, I need to lose this weight and I want to have a strong spiritual foundation. They say when you want something, visualize it, feel it any way you can. I have a friend that tried to get pregnant for 10 years. Wow, how much strength and faith would that take. She finally is pregnant and her baby shower is on Saturday. Although I love her, I've been dreading it. Baby showers are so painful and such a blaring reminder of what I want and can't seem to have (right now). The last one I went to, I left sobbing. But... I think it's important that I go. And I'm going with the attitude that this is a reminder of what I want, not of what I can't have. Wish me luck!

What is your why? Why are you doing whatever it is your doing to be better? Whatever it is, don't let yourself forget. Remind yourself every day, and it makes the doing of the little actions easier to do. It makes it fun! Yes, in the last three days, I've had fun eating healthy, and going to the gym. And I plan to keep making it fun for the rest of the week. Make it fun!


Wednesday, April 7, 2010

Going to be a great day!

Just thought I'd tell you that the skies are clear this morning, I heard the birds chirping on the way into work, and it's going to be a great day. Last night I was (as you could probably tell) not in the best mood. But this morning things are looking brighter. I found some forgiveness in my heart for things I felt wronged for, and was forgiven for some things I had done. Forgivness is a wonderful thing! So I start the day with a happy heart, and a whole mind (hopefully that will last!). I am planning on having a great day, and making my voyage trip to the gym (first time in a long time). I hope and pray that each of you has a beautiful Spring day as well!


Tuesday, April 6, 2010

Attitude is everything

Have I ever mentioned how much I love my job? I am a Service Account Manager (a SAM for short. Yes, I am Sam the SAM) for Stampin' Up!. What that means is that I get to work with 78 of Stampin' Up!'s top demonstrators. I help them with corrections for orders, answer questions on promotions, products, and policies. And my favorite part, I get to coach them in their goals, encourage them to do better, and cheer them on for their successes. I love it! I look up to these women and totally respect what they do. My dream is to someday have a successful business like they do. Our company announced a big change today in our colors. I know that doesn't sound like a big deal, but it really is! I was so impressed with my demonstrators (yes, I claim them as mine!) and their attitudes. They took the change well, and even though there may have been some disappointment at colors that are leaving, they were really positive. And what's more, they shared those amazing attitudes with their downline (people they have signed up) and with other demonstrators. Every day, they share that with me. I learn so much from each of them and am grateful to have them be a part of my life!

Sometimes my attitude kinda sucks. I need to learn how to not re-act. Please, someone teach me how to not re-act!!!!!! :) Ahhh, to live and learn? That's why we're here after all, right? Right! Anyway, my point is, have a good attitude, because it sucks to have a bad one. Trust me, this I know. Someday, I'll master myself, who knows, maybe it will be tomorrow! :) Sorry, I'm in a weird mood tonight. I had some things happen today and yesterday that threw me for a loop. I'm just trying to find my footing; I know it's there somewhere. I think sleep will help. Good night dear readers, I hope tomorrow is a sunny day!

(Oh, I started Gluten free today, it went well. I had a tasty home made lettuce wrap for lunch and it was really good!)

Sunday, April 4, 2010

As Promised.....

Can't believe I'm going to post these, but here goes. :)

Christmas 2009

(Look how tiny Willow is!!!)

April 4, 2010 (Wearing the same pants and shirt)

Me & Willow (I hate the look on my face, but it shows you how tall she is)

And in this one, I'm flipping you off. I assure you, that was not intentional! :)

She always looks like she has these alien white eyes, but she has gorgeous chocolate brown eyes. As she was just spayed, here is one more with her in, "The cone of shame". So sad! :(


Friday, April 2, 2010

Getting a little bit crazy(ier)!

Some updates on our little family.

Mike: So we got the results back from the MRI. He has a herniated disk, and two bulging disks. There is a picture above to show a herniated disk (the top one) and a bulging disk (the second one). Looks painful, I'm so sad he has to go through this! At this point, there really isn’t anything the Dr’s can do for him except to shoot him up with pain meds. He has chosen to go a more natural route (which I completely support!) and we will be loading him up on the supplements. He still is not suppose to sit for more than 30 minutes at a time, so we don’t know how long it will be until he can return to work. Please keep him in your prayers that he’ll heal quickly!

Willow: was spayed on Wednesday. I have some pictures of her with her cone of shame (I'll post them on here later tonight, so come back to see them!). It's actually so cute! The night she came home, it was so sad to see her so stoned, but kinda funny. She had these large chocolate eyes, and no one can do puppy dog eyes like Willow! They told us to fix her tail (it's broken at the tip) they would just have to amputate it. We said NO!! That is so much part of her charm, and it doesn't hurt her. They had to pull her three last baby teeth while she was out. One of them came right out, but the other two were crazy deep and would not have come out on their own. Just looking at them makes my mouth hurt! She is not suppose to run, which is hard, because she is FULL of energy! She is so dang cute, just love that dog!

Sam: She is a nut job people, really she is! :) I weighed in last night, and unfortunately gained 3.4lbs. But, it was to be expected. As mentioned in my last book (meaning really long post) I mentioned I'd been eating my stress. I tend to do really well when I really put the pressure on and challenge myself with something big, so that's what I'm going to do, I want to stay in this game. With Mike's back, it is now imperative that he loose a few lbs to help strengthen his back. He has wanted to try a gluten free diet for a while. So... I've agreed to do it with him, for 30 days. I'll still be following weight watchers plan too, I just won't eat anything with gluten in it. This is going to be challenging! During those 30 days, I'm also committing to not eat out once! And to track my food every single day. I will be keep track of all three of those goals on here to stay accountable. I have a feeling this will be hard, but will be a good challenge to help me take my focus off stress and do something productive! Wish me luck!

On Christmas I had my mom take pictures of us as before pictures, the whole family. This Sunday, I'm going to have her take another one. The biggest difference is Willow! She is SOOO much bigger. But I can see some things in me too. Watch for those to post, hopefully Sunday night.


Thursday, April 1, 2010

Happy Spring!!!

Okay, it may not officially be the first day of Spring, and sure, there may be a blizzard going on out side, but I DON'T CARE! In my little world, it is SPRING! So... here are some Spring flowers for you, Happy Spring!!!