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Friday, April 30, 2010

I gave up

So I’ve had a depression problem since high school. Honestly it probably started even younger than that, like elementary school, but I didn’t name it until high school. Every couple of months I go through a depression. Usually it lasts a couple of weeks up to a month or two. In high school it was really bad. My junior year it started and I don’t think I really came out of it until the summer after I graduated. It was bad. Suicidal bad. Luckily, I never did anything too damaging. I went to a doctor one time, but he just wanted to put me on drugs, and I said no. I had friends that took them, and it just put them in a fog, a non-feeling fog. I didn’t want that. So I suffered through it. It was painful, and hard, and lonely. The summer after I graduated I met a woman that introduced me to a communications/relationship/self esteem course that changed my life. During this whole time I was not exactly active in my church. I lived a double life, and I don’t think a lot of people knew what was going on with me. Or maybe they did, and I was just too naïve to know that. So on Sunday I went to church and played the part, but my heart was far from it. Although looking back, I know now that what I needed… was church. Faith. Forgiveness. Hope. God! But… it’s always when we need it most that we seem to turn away from it, isn’t it.

It was a time in my life that I was very impressionable. As the saying goes, I didn’t know what I believed – so I believed everything. Everything wrong (for me) that is. I allowed outside influences to change me, to hurt me, to control me. But thank goodness that the Lord knows us. He knows our hearts, and he knows how to reach us. Any outreach from someone from church, well I was NOT interested in it. But when I met this woman that took me to the communications course, at the time I didn’t see any connection to religion, so it was something I was willing to do. But in the end, it turned me toward all that I had been taught growing up, all that was truly missing in my life, and all that really brought me happiness in the end. I learned a lot of life lessons from those courses, and one thing I learned was that my depression is a choice, and that when I want to, I can pull myself out of it.

I think there are different kinds of depression. I believe that some people truly do have a chemical imbalance that creates big problems for them. And that their depression can only be helped with drugs and lots of care. I feel for these people! I have some near and dear ones that have these problems. I also believe that too many people think they fall in that category, but really, they unconsciously choose to be depressed. When I was in Massage school I learned a concept that when someone is not living up to their belief system, whatever it is, they will be unhappy. I think that is the cause of a majority of the depression in this world. I know it’s the problem for me.

So why the topic of depression? Well you can probably guess. I gave up this week. I stopped trying completely. For three days now, when I haven’t been at work, I’ve been reading in my bed. That’s my hiding place – books! As mentioned in my last post I had fallen off the wagon. I did go grocery shopping, but it didn’t help. I didn’t buy junk, and yet I still manage to find junk to eat??? How that works out, I just don’t know. Then on Tuesday something so small set me off and I just sobbed. It really was nothing to cry about, it was then that I finally acknowledged that I am battling some depression. And I’ll be the first to say, it’s my fault.

As I have mentioned, I am under quite a bit of stress. But instead of dealing with that stress and doing things to alleviate it, I’ve done nothing to the point that it became so compounded that it just overwhelmed me into doing nothing. This blog is about accountability, so there it is. I have done nothing this week. Literally! Beyond going to work, I haven’t taken care of any of my responsibilities. I’ve eaten horribly, I’ve treated those I love horribly, and I’ve treated myself horribly. I’ve shirked my responsibilities, and have not been living within my belief system. No wonder!!

Well this morning I had a conference call with me, myself, I, and the Lord. It went pretty well, and He was really kind, as always. I know that He expects more of me, and honestly, I expect more of me. Yes, things are a little tough right now. But as mentioned in my So Many Blessing post, they are not so bad as they could be. After quite a bit of repenting, I started making a list of all the things that are stressing me out so much. And then I started making a second list of how I can either help or alleviate those stresses altogether. It made me start to feel better to realize that I could deal with this and how to do it. The real problem with depression is that it’s complete focus on one’s self. And that’s where I’ve been living. I’ve been really selfish and only thinking about “oh poor me”. As I made my list, I realized there are people that I need to focus on that are NOT me! And as I thought of things I could do to help them, I suddenly started to feel a little better. It’s not going to go away overnight. This I know. But… I also know that if I will push myself into action and accomplish that second list, that in the end I’ll know just how powerful I am. And I’ll be able to make an impact in other people’s lives, which ultimately is something I want to do more than anything else!

Part of why I am sharing this is because, one accountability. As Dr. Phil says, you can’t change what you don’t acknowledge. And two, I know there are a lot of others out there that also suffer from depression. I want you to know, you’re not alone. If you ever need to talk, I’m here and can relate! I received a lot of kind remarks on my last post, calls, and support. THANK YOU!!! I know I keep saying that, but I really really really appreciate it. If there is anything I can do to return it, please don’t hesitate to ask. I need to focus outward right now, so if you need help with something, please ask!!! Thank you, and much love! Now, I’m off to do some work!
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3 comments:

~Lesia and Clay~ said...

Oh Sam~I love your words. You are a very good writer. I wish I could explain my thoughts as well as you do. I have stresses, health issues and I have even been hospitalized from trying to commit suicide. So I TOTAL understand. Please know that I care about you and you can call me or visit me ANYTIME!!! 801-562-1944 or Verizon @ 801-599-7356. Take care of yourself... I hope we can be good friends. You can never have too many of them in your life!

Razzle Dazzle Berry said...

I agree with Dr Phil too :) We have a right to feel what we feel but it's how we let those feelings fester and grow that determines the outcome. We either deal with them or they deal us.
We have had feelings of why us a lot latley, until we walked the halls of Primary Childrens on our way to a doctor apt for the baby and saw many more people suffering worse then us.
Things are hard for everyone right now. We wish you the best as you work through things with all the rest of us.

Lesia said...

I created a customized signture like you did (not as cute as yours) now do I have to add the code EVERY TIME after a blog entry? I am not seeing how to add the gadget at the end of the post as a default setting. Can you help me?