Sunday, October 28, 2012

Being Pregnant...

Is not really at all what I thought it was going to be. I thought it was supposed to be all roses and puppy dogs, cute baby outfits and designing a baby nursery. Wonderful moments of having a darling baby bump and that pretty "pregnancy glow". Turns out that glow - is really just the sheen of sweat after having thrown up... again. Hahahahaha 

Okay - I didn't really think it would be so sweet and pain free - I mean I'm naive, but not that naive. I have always had a sensitive nose and stomach, so I pretty much figured I would be dealing with morning sickness. Although that name is not really accurate. In my case it's been all day and then some sickness. I've enjoyed nausea pretty much since the day we took the test. I haven't had too much vomiting - for which I am grateful. I do feel like I could vomit all the time - so maybe that's worse. Haha, I'm not sure. By the way - isn't vomit just a horrible word???!!!

I'm lucky that I have a job that can go mobile - so I've been able to work from home - which I am so grateful for! So I've been working at home for about three weeks. This has made it much easier for me. I'm able to take a nap during the day and still get my hours in. I love my job!! My boss has been absolutely fantastic and understanding and that is an amazing blessing too!

My sleep patterns are so strange these days. For a while I was going to sleep at 10:30 and getting up about 8:30-9. Usually when I would sleep that long I would be all groggy - but not now. Its like it was just right. Except I would wake up several times. Then for a while I couldn't sleep at all. The only good sleep I would get would be for a couple hours in the morning - and during a nap in the day. For the last couple of nights the acid and heartburn have been so bad that I've not been able to get to sleep until 1am. Last night I was able to go to sleep about 10:30 - but I woke up at 4:30 and was awake for a good hour or so. 

Mike has been so wonderful! I can't really stand going in the kitchen much and he has been really helpful to keep it clean, to grocery shop, and to help me as much as he can. Last night at the Halloween carnival for our ward I had so much fun watching him with the little kids. He is going to be such a loving and playful dad - I can't wait! 

My emotions have started to get a little wild. A couple nights ago Mike and I were watching The Family Stone. And I could not stop crying - I just kept feeling so bad for the main character. And there was one part that I just lost it - like uncontrollable tears. And I was trying to hide it because I knew that it didn't make sense for me to be that upset at that moment. But he saw - and we both had a good laugh (while I continued to cry). It really was pretty funny. 

We've had two ultra-sounds. The second one we got to hear and see the heartbeat. The fetus looks like a little gummy bear. But the heart beat was strong and all appears to be well. 

The last two days - I've felt a tiny bit better and have been able to get out and be a part of the living a little - so that's been nice. I hope this continues and I'll be able to work some hours in the office. 

Well that's all for now!

Tuesday, October 16, 2012

Excited to announce....

Written on Sept 27th:
Last night I found out.... that...

I am pregnant!!!!!

I don't know if anyone reads this anymore - but I'm posting this because one, I want to scream it from the roof tops - but that seems a bit extreme - so I'll settle for Facebook and my blog. And two, I wanted to get this down so I could look back and remember what happened and how I feel on this day.

For the last three weeks I have been cramping pretty bad. I had gone off and on my meds - which can definitely cause some cramping so I just figured that was what was happening. Then for the last three days or so, I've been nauseous. Mike suggested that I take a pregnancy test. I was very quick to stomp on that idea - and quickly stated "I am not pregnant". On the third day, I left work I was feeling so sick. Right as I was leaving - my friend asked me if maybe I was pregnant. Even more emphatically I told her - I'm NOT pregnant! For years I have taken pregnancy tests and been devastated with the results every time. I pretty much stopped doing it the last year or two. Knowing that when I finally saw a positive test - it would be because we were working with a fertility Dr and I would know exactly when to test. On the way home - trying not to throw up - I remembered I did have one test left from a couple of years ago. I decided to pee on it - if nothing else to be able to tell everyone that's not what was going on.

I got home - and didn't take the test. Haha, I kept avoiding it all night. Drinking lots of water, but then conveniently forgetting to take the test each time. Finally we were getting ready for bed. I had promised Mike I would take it, so I knew I couldn't put it off anymore. So in the bathroom I went. It was a digital test, and once you pee on it, it has a little hour glass thing, so I just did my thing getting ready for bed. And I was COMPLETELY shocked when I went back to look and it said "Pregnant". I even tapped it to see if the digital piece was malfunctioning. I just stared at it - for about a minute. Mike was already in bed, so I stepped out of the bathroom just staring at it. He asked and I just silently handed him the test. He was so cute - smiling he was trying to guage my reaction and how he should respond, but at the same time I could tell he was excited. Me - I just started bawling.

I instantly remembered the fact that I have been having pretty severe cramping for three weeks. I mean we are talking cramps you would get in the middle of your period. The kind that go into your legs and double you over in pain and I've been having them hourly. And I just instantly assumed the worst - I'm having a miscarriage. After Mike let me cry for a minute he calmed me down. We went up to my parents and told them the news. They didn't believe me at first and thought I was joking - probably cause that's something I would do. :D Anyway, after they knew it was for real they were ecstatic! Then Mike gave me beautiful, tender, and loving blessing and I felt SOOO much better! I'm still cramping, but not near as bad. On the way home we stopped and bought a box of three tests (I've peed on them all and they were all positive).

I can't believe it - I'm pregnant.

I called the Dr on Monday morning to try and get in and had to make an appointment for the 8th. She did assure me that cramping is completely normal and as long as there isn't any bleeding I shouldn't be concerned and can take some Tylenol to help with the pain. That helps a lot and I have calmed down. :) I am still really nauseous - every day pretty much all day. That part sucks.... but .... I'm pregnant, so it's okay.

I was honestly starting to doubt that this would ever happen. And I figured it would take $10,000 or more in fertility treatments to get here. The thing I feel the most - is gratitude (and overwhelmed). I feel so grateful that the Lord would bless us like this. It's so huge, I can't even put it into words adequately. I feel grateful for such an amazing, kind, and supportive husband who has put up with so much - and will probably continue to have to put up with a lot. The last 5 -6 years have been pretty rough when it comes to kids and babies. There have been so many times where we would hear something or see something and all of the sudden I'm crying and he wouldn't know why. And I always hated telling him it's because of something to do with a baby. I've left nearly every baby shower I've attended sobbing - for years. This truly is such a painful experience for a woman (and for Men too - I think they just handle it differently) to go through - wanting so bad to be a mother and not being able to. Wondering if it's because you're not worthy, because you would be a bad mother and God doesn't trust you, or if there is something fundamentally wrong with you (both physically and emotionally - or as a whole person).

People are probably so confused by me. Often asking if I want to hold their baby - and me always saying no. Part of it is that I've always been shy around them - never having been around them growing up (I was the baby in the family and didn't babysit much). But mostly it's because it hurt too much. I remember one Sunday, I was sitting next to this lady who was holding her baby boy. During the lesson she just thrust him into my arms and I couldn't say no. And as I gazed down at that beautiful little soul - the spirit spoke to me that I just need to be patient. I'm sure that mom was pretty surprised to look over and see tears streaming down my face.

It's been a long road. And I know that it's really just beginning. And that's where being overwhelmed comes in. For so long, reading anything, seeing anything, or touching anything that had to do with babies was so painful I just avoided it. Looking back I see that I was a bit foolish. Because I don't know ANYTHING!! I've got the next 9 months to study up and be as ready as one can ever be - which I would assume is not at all. :D

And the adventure begins!

For those out there who are still waiting for this adventure - I won't pretend to have all the answers now that I have this little stick magically say pregnant. But I will say this - you are worthy. Just as I am worthy. God does trust us, and your time will come. As I look back over the years, I'm so so so grateful that the Lord knows me and that I've had these years to grow and change and to become a better person. I'm not done - there is still SOOOOOO much to learn to truly become the person I know I can be. But I know without a doubt that I will be a much better mother now than I would have been if this had happened on my time table. I guess what I'm saying is that as hard as it is - continue to place your trust and faith in the plan our Heavenly Father has for you. It's never what we expect it to be - but as my good friend always says - be prepared to be amazed!