Thursday, June 4, 2015


It's been such a long week. It's been really fun, but SO busy! I have barely had a chance to breath. Things are finally starting to slow down though, and it should be a pretty chill weekend. I'm looking forward to getting caught up on the day to day stuff and maybe getting a nap??? :D

Yesterday by the time dinner time rolled around I was exhausted! Emma and I had been running most of the day, and when we weren't I was working or working out. I had pulled out some chicken and had it marinating, but just before Mike got home my blood sugar started to drop. I hate it when that happens. It makes me feel HORRIBLE. I can be in a completely great mood - and in seconds go to feeling like crap - which makes me less than patient about anything. By the time Mike got home I did not want to cook. I put the chicken in the fridge and told him I was ordering pizza. He is sick, so he was fine with whatever as long as he didn't have to do it. I had the order all put in, the credit card in even. I was about to hit "Submit" and I had this thought "It's always going to be hard. You know that right? There is always going to be something that will make making good choices difficult. If you are ever going to change, you have to cook even when you don't want to. Don't give in". 

I did submit. But I didn't push the button. I submitted to the thoughts in my head. I believe that it wasn't just my thoughts, the spirit was with me too encouraging me to be my higher self. My better self. I turned my phone off got up and made grilled chicken, yellow squash, and cut up some fresh pineapple. 

Yesterday I won. I listened. I submitted to the change I want so desperately. I submitted to the Spirit's promptings. We did order pizza tonight, but it was planned. We usually eat out once a week and we decided to have that tonight. And I felt fine about that. We always end up buying too much. And normally - I don't mind. (Talk about a first world problem - I always feel like such a jerk about those) But today when I was putting the left overs in the fridge I was thinking I wish we had bought less so that there wasn't so much to eat tomorrow. Because I don't really want the calories from my yummy meal tonight - tomorrow too. I'm going to try freezing the left overs and see how that works. Lesson learned though, less is better! And submitting is good. 

Monday, June 1, 2015


There is no magical way of eating that is going to make you thin. No matter how much you search online, no matter how many books you read, no matter how hard you pray - there is not some magical way of eating that is escaping you. Not that research, and books, and prayer can't help. They can. But in the end, if you want change, YOU have to change.

If you want change, YOU have to change!

I've always said that I love change, and it's true, I do. But I seem to hit a wall on every plan I start about 4 weeks in. I think it's because that is the point of real change. The honey moon is over. The excitement is starting to wear off. And the weight of real change is starting to weigh on me. Last week - I buckled under the weight. I stopped working out - granted I've been having trouble with my back. But I could have pushed it a little harder. I have been eating horribly. We've eaten out a lot. I've binged a lot. And, I feel it! I feel heavy again. I feel tired and exhausted and cranky. I am struggling to get up in the morning again. I'm struggling to feel motivated. I'm struggling.

I have the saying "I can do hard things" posted all over my house. I like having a constant reminder. I think we all go through times in our lives where something so important as "I can do hard things" gets lost in the shuffle of everything else we are trying to balance. Or we get stuck in the mud and crap that we are dealing with in our life, after all, don't we all have a little crap? We all need little reminders that we are strong. We all need a little push. Whether that comes in the form of a uplifting song, or a text from a loved one, or in a note to yourself that you can do hard things. I put them all over so that when I get stuck in the mud of every day - I can open my fridge and see it, and remember to pull myself out and not go for the easy choice.

If you want change, YOU have to change!

So here is the hard thing I'm going to do today. I'm going to pull on my big girl pants (literally - bahaha) and do something hard. I'm going to not do what's easy today. I am not going to quit today. I'm going to readjust as needed and continue on. I am going to find real change this time. Watch me. 

Friday, May 22, 2015

Image and Reality

I've been working on changing a little habit. This little thought process. Whenever I start a new "Plan" or a new diet, or a new whatever - I start to get this image of myself in my head. It's a good image - it's the image of what I want to become. And as I start making healthy changes, the image becomes more and more clear. The problem is that when I look in the mirror I expect to see that new image - sometimes right away. While this image can be a really good thing and a motivator, this expectation is not. And it become discouraging that the two  - my image and my reality - don't match up. But this time around, every time I feel that discouragement I'm trying to kindly remind myself that it WILL if I just keep making the other changes that I'm focusing on daily. That if I do those enough and don't quit - soon those two will become the same!

Tuesday, May 19, 2015

What a bummer... bum knee!

As I mentioned in my last post I've been at this for three weeks. I've been very diligent, especially in getting my workout on. I bought a weight bench and weights on KSL and have been lifting and doing HIIT for cardio on my road bike or running. It's amazing how fast I am seeing results. While the scale hasn't move a ton - I am noticing a difference in how my clothes fit. I saw the quote below just before I started my new plan and it has been my montra this whole time. When I look in the mirror if I have a negative thought about what I see, I imeadiately remind myself that I'm working on life style changes. And those take some time. And if I make these new habits just... habits, I will see change in whatever it is I don't like. And I often remind myself of this quote. Give it time! 

It takes 4 weeks for you to notice your body changing, 8 weeks for your friends and 12 weeks for the rest of the world. Give it 12 weeks. Don't Quit! 

Last night I was doing my workout. And while doing lunges, I tweaked my knee. It was bad enough that I immediately stopped and sat down to ice it. I've been icing it all day and it is feeling a bit better. But I have to say, last night I was REALLY discouraged! (although I was discouraged, I DIDN'T binge!!! YAY) I've been doing so well, and I was so sad/scared/frustrated/worried that I would have to stop working out! After some self pity time, I realized that it's only my knee - and it's not that bad. If it does require some heal time, there are lots of other things I can do during that time. I can focus a little more on my eating. I can focus on my upper body strength. I can swim. I can find exercises for my legs that don't tax the knee. It was a pretty fast mind set change for me. Honestly that was as exciting as seeing 5lbs lost on the scale. Because it's really up to my mind to lose this weight. It's not only my body that needs to do weight lifting to build strength. So does my spirit. So does my mind. In fact, they need it more than my body - because they are what drive the body. 

I was going to take the day off today, but decided that wasn't necessary. I just needed to find a different way to work out. And not only did I get my cardio in, but I made up the workout that I didn't finish last night too. Mike and I went swimming. Swimming is a real struggle for me. I never properly learned how to do it, so swimming for me is more... not drowning. lol But Mike was very patient and didn't tell me all the things I was doing wrong (even though it was killing him) and just encouraged me. I finally told him he could give me one thing, and he helped me with my breathing. It's amazing how breathing really helps when you are working out. Ha! Anyway, it was a good swim and I was wasted after! Tonight's lifting wasn't my best, but it wasn't my worst either. I think most importantly, I did it.

I don't mean to toot my own horn so much, but you gotta celebrate the wins. And these were pretty big wins! :)

Sunday, May 17, 2015

Choosing my life

I have a pretty good life. Sometimes, when I get in the deep pit of depression it's easy to forget that, but I really am so very blessed! I have a loving and amazing husband who works ridiculously hard for our family. I have a daughter that is just so happy and delightful! We have a safe, warm home, and want for nothing when it really comes down to it. But sometimes that pit just seems to drag at me and pull me down and I forget. This Winter I spent a lot of time in the pit. Sometime in  the beginning March I decided I had had enough. I started praying about what I should do to finally pull myself out of it. I had that thought (that I know was an answer to my prayer) to start reading the Book of Mormon every day. I listened to that prompting and started reading. My outlook started to improve and each day was better than the last. A couple weeks ago my friend mentioned she was back on her cleaning schedule and I thought, I want to do that. So I pulled out one that I had used in the past and changed it to fit my life now (I'm going to post more on that at another time). Making these two changes have been monumental in pulling myself out of the pit! They've given me the freedom in my mind to explore other areas of my life that need some, tweaking. 

Anyone who has known me for more than 5 min - knows that I love plans. I love goals. I love charts. Unfortunately, I don't often stick with the plans. So as I started considering my next move - I reflected back on the things that I usually gravitate to and started noticing a pattern. I started seeing that clearly the saying "If you always do what you've always done, you'll always get what you've always got" is so very true in my life. Especially for my health and weight. I decided that, yes, I would still have a plan, but that it would look very different than I had ever done before. And part of the difference - is that I'm not going to share it with the world. I'll share pieces of it at a time. I'll say this, it is very well rounded. It's not just about losing weight. In fact, that really is just a small piece of it. It's about my spiritual life, it's about my environment, it's about my social life, and yes - it's about nutrition and exercise. But the biggest thing it's about - is creating a lifestyle that I want. It's about choosing my life, accepting what is - and loving myself, and choosing to find improvement.

I've been working on these new goals for three weeks now and it's going really well. One of the things that I'm working on is writing in my journal instead of eating when I want to binge. This is where blogging comes in. I have a private blog that is only for me. I use it as a journal. I've been writing in it almost every day, and decided that some of the things I want to share with others. So when appropriate, I'll post it on this blog as well. I don't know if anyone really reads this anymore or not, but that's okay. I'm going to post anyway. So if you're new to the blog, or have been hanging in there with me for some time - keep coming back, it's about to get good!! :) 

Sunday, May 10, 2015

You are a Mother....

I am not a morning person. But here I sit at 6am while my family sleeps because my heart is so full, I think it may spill over! There are some things I need to say. 

First off I just want to thank my own Mom for everything she does for me! Not only for the growing years and ALLLLLL that entails. But especially over the last two years and nine months. She has been so supportive as I've entered this new world of motherhood myself. She has taught me, she has helped me, and in some instances carried me when I couldn't go on myself. She is a wonderful example to me of service and unconditional love. I love you MORE Mom!!!!! :D

It's amazing how one little holiday can evoke so many different feelings. For some, it's a day of joy, celebration, and love - as it should be!! For others it's a day of missing dearly those who have departed from this world, and wishing for just one more hug. For some it is a day of pain, regret, and guilt for not being more than they think they should be - if only they could see how wonderful they really are. And for some, it's filled with dread, and the deepest hunger I think a person can ever know.

In our house, we have experienced all of these feelings. My husband's Mom passed away four years ago this year. Seems like it was just yesterday. I long for Mike to be able to see her one more time. I long for Emma to run into her arms and call her Grandma! And while I know that we will see her again - and I know that her presence will be felt today, there will still be a few tears shed for her loss while we wait. 

For years, I was in the later group. While I loved the opportunity to celebrate the wonderful and amazing women in my life, it was always a bit tainted. Because it brought into light the burning desire that consumed my thoughts most days - I want to be a mother. I would assume that most women experience this hunger at some point in their life. And hopefully, that hunger is soon satisfied with thoughts of "I'm pregnant" and all that the future holds. But for those who experience infertility issues, those who have to wait, and wonder - it becomes something so different. It becomes a consuming hunger. Something so deep and so painful that it is hard to describe or imagine. And on Mother's day it was so glaringly obvious - that I wasn't a mother. 

I always hated going to church on Mother's day - and didn't for several years. I hated the moment that they had all the mothers stand up and be recognized. I hated how those around me would encouraged me to stand up too. Please don't misunderstand, it's not that I felt any ill feeling toward those Mother's - or even that I didn't want to see them recognized! They should be recognized! They are teaching, loving, and raising our next generation. They are healers, cooks, house cleaners, boo-boo kissers, tickle monsters, confidants, chauffeurs, and so so much more. They shouldn't just stand - we should also clap and cheer for them too! No, it's not that I didn't want to see them recognized, it's that I wanted so desperately to join them as a mother, and when I would stand up, all I felt like was a fraud. Pretending to be and to have something, I'm not. 

To those women who were able to become a mommy without too much struggle, I am so delighted for you! Seriously, I would never in a million years want to see anyone not be able to bear a child if they wanted to. And I never have begrudged those that did. I celebrated with many of my friends having their children, and I have been excited for them! I have prayed for them! And I have watched and learned from them! They were and still are my heroes. Thank you for all you do!!

Fast forward 6 1/2 years and here comes the BIGGEST miracle (and surprise) of my life! We are pregnant! We don't know how it happened! It probably shouldn't have, but it did. I know that Emma is a direct gift from God. I won't go into all the details (you can read about it here if you really want to know), but suffice it to say - we were shocked!! And of course completely - knocked off our axis - with joy!

But here is the funny thing, when Mother's day came rolling around while I was pregnant - I still didn't look forward too it. I still didn't look forward to the day that was meant to celebrate my motherhood. Part of it was just the years of painful memories and tears. Part of it was that I was already starting to feel some of that guilt that mothers sometimes feel when their not, you know, perfect. And honestly, I also felt some guilt knowing that I was going to have a baby when there were still people that I knew and loved who were still struggling.

So here we are, it's my 3rd Mother's day as a mother. Last year was a bit better, and finally this year I can say that I'm not dreading the day. Finally I can say that I'm excited about being celebrated, and standing up with the other Mother's. But must admit that I still feel some sorrow today. I have still shed some tears today, but not for myself, but for the other women I know that are out there still feeling that same dread that I felt for so long. And really, it's to them that I want to say: You are a Mother!

Here's the thing that I didn't know back then. And it's taken me a while to understand it. The moment you start loving your child, in my personal opinion, that's the moment you become a mother. And what I didn't realize, was that for 6 1/2 years - I was loving my child! I was fighting for her. I was hoping for her. I was praying for her. Sure - I didn't know her name and I didn't know she would be a she. :) But looking back, I did love her! I wanted her to have an amazing life. I wanted to give her all the things she would need, to become anything she wanted to be. And I was trying to live in a way that I would be ready to help her do that. And all of that is what being a mom, mommy, and mother - is all about! 

So for those of you who are out there still feeling the ache of something missing in your arms - know that it's that ache that makes you a mother right now. I know that doesn't take all the hurt away, of course it doesn't. But it means when you have the opportunity - you stand up proud with those other mothers. Let others celebrate you and the HARD HARD work you are doing! And most of all - that you never give up on that fight - because it is a good one and believe me when I say it is worth all the pain, tears, and money!

I'm ready to stand today and be celebrated - and I hope you do too, whatever your circumstance may be!!! Please know that I celebrate you, who you are, and what you fight for. Whether that means you are are holding your child in your arms or in your heart (for now). 

Happy Mother's day to all of you
beautiful mothers out there!!!

Sunday, August 10, 2014

My goals for the week

Well I did pretty good for several weeks! I even did 26.5 miles one week!! Woo hooo!! I'd gotten a little off track again, and then last week I got very ill and ended up with Strep all week. Nothing like a week in bed with the chills and hot flashes that makes you want to take better care of your health!! SOOO.... I'm starting to feel better and am ready to get back on track this week. 

My goals for this week - putting them out there so I can stay accountable: 

1. Measure and track every bite on MFP. I'm not going to get crazy with eating a perfect diet. Just going to... eat and track. I'll work on getting in my veggies and fruits, but I'm not going to "eat clean" as the saying goes. I do have plans to make dinner every night and to eat from home all week.
2. Get caught up at work. This means working 6am-12pm and during Emma's afternoon nap. This sounds easy - but I really struggle with the 6am thing. But I have to do it. 
3. Claim the house again. Haha As you can imagine, it's a bit of a mess. So I am going to get the cleaning under control. This will probably be about all the real exercise I can handle, I'm still pretty low on energy.
4. If by some miracle I do have some energy to spare, then I want to get in a few walks. I'd also like to take Emma swimming and to a splash pad. She has been stuck in side too, and I want to get out and enjoy our last days of Summer together.
5. My last goal is to NOT spend my evenings watching TV. There are many things I want to do and I always claim I don't have time to fit them in. But then I spend a good couple of hours watching TV at night. I've decided it's time to cut that out and focus that time on more productive and satisfying projects. Whether it be cleaning, crafting, or exercise. Something that's for... me. Doesn't mean I won't ever watch TV, but I'm going to limit myself to one episode a day, and try and do something with my hands at the same time.

Here's to a great week! :D

Tuesday, July 15, 2014

Back in the saddle again!

Well things around have here have taken a big 180. And I am loving it!

A couple weeks ago I was really in a funk. Okay, let's be honest here, I've been in a funk for a long time (like a year... or more). While I LOVE being a mom (like seriously, love love love!), and love being a wife, and enjoy the majority of my life. I have just had these internal struggles still about weight. And nagging endless questions about should I diet, or should I not or BLAH BLAH BLAH. Seriously, I'm so over it. Anyway, needless to say I've been living in limbo town and it sucks! And honestly, it was an excuse.

I'd gotten into this terrible habit of watching TV shows on Netflix until 2am. Like every night. Not good! I'm not sure why really - I think because I could just zone out. I wasn't responsible for anyone. And I didn't have to re-hash my "woes". One night I was again... watching my show and had this random thought to Google for some new weight loss blogs to read. I know people say the Holy Ghost goes to bed at midnight - but I truly believe it was his prompting that I do this. I came across a new blog. I stopped watching my show, and from 2am-3am I sat and read probably 10 or more of her posts. 

And something just... clicked! 

Her name is Katie, and you can find her blog at Below I am going to link to the several posts that really got me thinking. The short of it is that she is pretty much amazing! But real! You know, someone I think if I knew in real life, we would be friends! (Although as of yet, I haven't even commented on her blog, so this might come of a bit of shock to her. Haha.) She lost 126lbs in 16 months through exercise and nutrition. And still eating treats!! Anyway, go to her blog to read about her awesomness! 

But there were a couple of really key ideas and principles that I took away from her blog that night that have helped me completely turn around and head back down the path to health.

Motivation Vs. Determination - this is a great post! And she really got me thinking about my own determination, and how I was kind of (and by kind of I mean absolutely)... lacking in (and by lacking in, I mean hiding from) it. I have a LOT of really great motivating things in my life - reasons for me to change. And yet.... and yet I wasn't. I was eating my heart out, barely exercising, binging (a lot), all while getting more and more frustrated with myself. Not once did I say "Self, you CAN do this. And we are going to do this. Now. No more excuses." I kept letting my confusion between dieting and intuitive eating keep me from actually doing anything!

Binge Eating - This is a biggie for me. If you've read my blog at all, or know me at all, then you know that I really struggle with this. She also struggles with this and some of the things she wrote about it I really connected with! I've made some progress in this area. I haven't completely stopped binging (yet), but I am holding myself accountable by tracking what I eat during them. Also, trying REALLY hard not to judge myself for it - and to just try to understand what the cause was and how to avoid it. Progress, not perfection. :) 

What I am willing to do, and what I'm not - this one has a couple of posts worth reading. Read this one and this one! You know, this isn't really a new concept to a diet junky like myself. "I'm not on a diet, I'm making life changes" yada yada yada. But Katie put said it in a way that really just feels... doaable. I'm not going to tell what she says - you have to go read! :D But it's awesome, and it really has connected the dot for me personally between counting calories and intuitive eating. Making them both something that will work for me. 

There are so many other good posts - when you go to her blog click on her Directory and check them out! 

Since that night I've made a lot of great changes. Most importantly  - I stopped hiding from my determination! And I made my own list of things I'm not willing to do/willing to do. And in that have easily been doing the following:
1. I've been using My Fitness Pal to track all my calories. Love this app!!
2. I'm still eating pretty much the same foods I was before (including cookies, ice cream, pizza, and other treats), I'm just making more of an effort to include more fruits and veggies. I expect that as I continue my choices will continue to get better and better. Also that my tastes will change. We shall see. :)
3. I'm measuring or weighing all of my food and watching my serving sizes. 
4. And I've really amped up my exercise - because it feels good!! Yes, I love adding calories burned into MFP, but what I love even more is the burn in my legs knowing that I USED them! Previously I was walking 2-3 times a week, 2 miles per walk. Last week I walked a total of 15.5 miles. This week I'm already at 6. Loving it! I've even started jogging a little. I can't tell you how much joy this brings me! I want to show Emma how fun it is to use your body and to be able to keep up with her when she does!
5. I decided to count calories, not WW points. But I am going to continue going to the meetings - for now. Honestly, I joined WW several months ago and have done it like two days. Not really sure why - probably just another excuse. And even though I don't want to follow their plan, I do get a lot out of their meetings and being with others striving for health. I had actually already been contemplating dropping WW, and Katie had some interesting things to say about it in this post that helped me decide that for me - calorie counting was going to be best.
6. I stopped watching Netflix until all hours of the night. 

Over the last week and 1/2 I've lost 4.9lbs. But even more importantly than that, I feel so happy and positive about these changes! I'm actually excited to get up in the morning and go for my daily walk with Emma and our friends. 

It's nice to feel good about myself again! More to come!!

Thursday, May 1, 2014

Profound words

Usually when I sign up for WW (because sadly, I've done it what feels like a million times) there is this excitement and drive to be perfect. And I track every bite. And I eat all my veggies, and live with a water bottle at my side. I always have that honeymoon where I drop a good 10lbs before I start to stumble a little. 

This time, no honeymoon. I'm just stumbling. 

The thing is, it's okay. 

Maybe I am taking a page out of Intuitive Eating still, but even though I haven't been tracking. Or really doing much more than attending the meetings, it's okay. I have been patient with myself about it. I haven't judged it, or myself. I've been able to see that things in my life are just a "little" crazy right now and the stress and emotions are just to heavy right now. And... it's okay. (I have been walking again and am up to about 6-8 miles a week. Loving that!!)

I'm attending a meeting once a week, and that has been awesome! I have had some great insights and although I'm not following plan, I still see the value in going. And although I'm not following plan, my eating habits are changing. Some days are better than others, but there is progress. And for now, that is enough. 

So the profound words I speak of in the title of my post are not my own. They come from the meeting I attended tonight. We had been talking about shifting our focus during the week from "weight loss" to "living on plan". Rather than stressing about losing weight or not, focusing more on the steps to get there. Eating great foods, within points, hitting the heatlhy checks, etc. 

The leader mentioned on the Today show a segment they did called "Love your selfie". They had the hosts stand in front of a mirror and say what they saw. She said it was surprising how someone she thought was so beautiful or handsome didn't see it. And then she said something I loved! 

She said we have to remember that inside is a soul. And that soul is beautiful. And that no matter what we see when we look in the mirror, if we could take that soul out and look at it in the mirror, it would be so easy to fall in love with ourselves.

I think that so often we just focus on the packaging. We stare at it, we despise it, we criticize it, we criticize other's packaging, and occasionally we may like or love it too. I think too often we forget that while our bodies are definitely a gift from God, and deserve our love and respect, they do not make up who we are. Too often we get the two confused. And then we just end up in a world of hurt and pain unnecessarily.

This week I am going to try and be better about being on plan. And I am going to focus on remembering the person I am on the inside is already amazing and wonderful. And even more than that - the person on the inside of my family and loved ones are truly beautiful. They deserve love and respect and kindness. So does every stranger on the street - no matter what they look like. And so do I.

Sunday, April 20, 2014

My week in review

Well, this week went fairly well. I made my weekly menu, and did really well sticking to it until the weekend. Weekends are just tough. Mike isn't here most of it, and it's so easy to just eat. I made the mistake of making some of the menu items to difficult. So when it came time to make them over the weekend, I just didn't want to. While I didn't do horrible, it wasn't as well as I wanted. It's clear that next week, for the weekend, I am going to choose very simple meals that require little cooking. I think I'll do better with that. 

Unfortunately we didn't get to go out and do our daily walk this week because Emma came down with a little cold. It wasn't terrible, but between that and the weather dropping just a little, I didn't want to risk her getting worse. I'm really looking forward to adding this to our day this coming week! I'm ready to move! 

I did sign up for WW and attend my first meeting. It was good to be back. Hard in some ways, because I think about all the times I've been there before. If I had just kept at it. But... I'm not going to dwell on the past. I'm just going to be grateful I have the opportunity to change today and my future. 

One of the things they encouraged us to do this week was to ask ourselves before we ate anything, "Is it worth it"? I really liked this, because so often I just go for what is easy and quick. Not necessarily what is good, beautiful, nutritious, and yummy. There were several times that I asked this, and the answer was no. And sometimes I didn't end up eating it. And sometimes I did. I decided not to judge myself for that - but just to be aware and observe. It was a step forward. 

The other thing the leader brought up in regards to "Is it worth it?", was also asking "Am I worth it?". I thought that was a really good thing to think about to. This week as I move forward and get back on track I want to remember this. 

Am I worth it? 

Worth eating healthy for? Worth loving myself with healthy food and enjoyable movement? Worth accepting and loving? Yes. Yes. Yes!