Saturday, July 30, 2011

Breaks over... back to work!

I have missed this. I have missed you! I wish you were here so I could give you a big hug! I've also missed writing and sharing my thoughts. It has been a good break, but it's time to get back to work. 

If you are still around, leave me a comment and tell me what you're up to. I missed you! 

As for me? Well, I'm still working at the same place - but I feel a lot more confident in my performance. I am still in Young Womans, and LOVING it! We went to girls camp and it was so fun! My raspberries are in full bloom and growing like crazy! My fall bushes are as tall as me! I  am still overweight - yes I gained all my weight back. More on that in a minute.

Some new things, I'm bleaching my teeth - and it's working! I recently started walking again with some friends, and am really enjoying that and hoping to walk with my cousin in a 5k she is planning in September to support research for Hydrocephalus. If you are interested in getting involved, they are looking for donations, volunteers, and of course - walkers!

I have been diagnosed with Poly-cystic Ovarian Syndrome (PCOS) and Insulin Resistance, and am taking Metformin. It seems to be helping my blood sugar from dropping out on me. My doctor has advised us to hold off on getting pregnant for a little while until I lose some weight and get my numbers under control. This is really hard, and not easy for us. I pray we can just continue being patient and focusing on what needs to be done to eventually allow us to grow this little family.

As I had mentioned, I have gained all my weight back. Don't worry, this isn't going to turn into another post bemoaning the past and whining about my weight gain. I'm over it. The reason I mention it is because it has opened my eyes to the fact that there are underlying issues here. Big issues. And the truth is that until I deal with those, I will be overweight. I may be able to force myself to follow a diet and exercise for a period of time. I may even be able to delude myself into thinking that by following a diet and exercising a ton I'm "in control" and "healthy". But... it's not true (for me). And the longer I try and force myself to "lose weight" with only diet and exercise, the more miserable I will be. 

So where does that leave me? 

With diet and exercise of course! :) Well... not a diet really. I am still kind of torn between Intuitive Eating and having guidelines. I don't have it all figured out yet. But I know that I need both. I need to be free to be myself and to trust my body. And I need guidelines because I am an addict. I have a disease. And it won't go away by just hoping that it will. This may not sound very hopeful, but honestly, I have more hope then I have had in a long time. Because for the first time in a long time, I'm being honest with myself. Really honest. Painfully honest. 

Hi, my name is Sam and I am a compulsive over-eater.

I am attending Over-eaters Anonymous and have just begun working the 12 steps. This will include a lot of soul searching, journal writing, prayer, meditation, and self reflection. It also includes service to others, learning to let go of my selfish desires, and finding out what God wants of me. Within the next two weeks I'm hoping to have found a sponsor as well. Someone who will work with me on creating a food plan, give me challenges, help me work the steps and most importantly - hold me accountable until I can hold myself accountable.

My ultimate goal and path right now, is a spiritual and emotional one. I need to heal from the inside out. And I really and truly believe that if I can do that, the weight will fall off with out much of a thought from me. I plan to use my blog as an outlet in sharing what I am learning. I once asked the question of my readers if peace and then weight loss comes first. Or if weight loss and then peace comes first. I got a lot of varying responses. After my experiences from the last year, I've decided that for me, I must find peace, and then I'll have the weight loss. 

I have my answer, now I just need to go forth and do.