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Wednesday, December 28, 2011

Shin Splints Suck

As I had mentioned, I have been running again. I ran a 10k in the beginning of Dec, which I still need to blog about. Truth be told, I wasn't ready! I tried to be, but due to getting sick twice and hurting my back for about 2 weeks, I just wasn't ready. And ever since then, every time I run, I get shin splints. Grrrrr! I am supposed to run a 1/2 marathon in April. How can I do that if I can't train??? I have not run for about 2 weeks. I'm hoping to be able to start again in Jan. I've been Icing, wearing compression sleeves, but on a cream that is supposed to help them heal. Any other suggestions? I don't want to back out of this coming race, but... I don't know if I can do it and not really damage my legs. I'm considering waiting for a different race, but I need to talk with my cousin about it. In the mean time, I'm putting my new work out videos to good use and trying to lose some weight.

Are there any runners out there with suggestions?
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Friday, December 23, 2011

Give a little more...

I had a dream last night that was so real! I have always been a vivid dreamer. A lot of times I'll wake up and tell Mike the crazy dreams I had, and then any question about my sanity, well... that clinches it! :) But this dream...

Honestly I don't remember the details 100%. I know I was sick, and I got shot. But I was dying - and the Dr told me I had about a week. I remember telling each of my family members. I remember telling Mike and that awful pit in my stomach realizing that I would never get to have his babies. But that I sincerely wanted him to remarry and find joy. It was one of those dreams that you wake up from, and you realize - it was a dream! And you start crying, because you are so happy it was a dream!  Well... like I said... I am a bit crazy! ;)

But in actuality, there is nothing like a dream like this to pull in your perspective and help you realize, wow, it's time to make some changes. Not the kind of changes I spoke about in my last post. But things like - stop waiting until you are "healthy" to live and enjoy life!  Stop being so selfish with time and money - because your going to give it all up in the end anyway! We are only given a few short years on this life, and I feel like I have wasted so many of those watching TV, playing on the computer, eating, sleeping, and hiding. I want to connect more. I want to serve more. I want to get to the end of my life - hopefully many many years from now - and look back and not have just a ton of regrets. With that said, I'm going to use my day off, and go visit some family.

This time of year always seems to bring us a little closer. I hope for you and myself, that we will all take care to not let that end when December does. But to carry that same spirit about us through out the year. To give a little more, and take a little less. Merry Christmas to you, I hope you have a wonderful holiday!

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Saturday, December 17, 2011

Decisions....

I find myself sitting in a similar chair as I was at the end of 2009. 2009 was kind of a crappy year - and truth be told, so was 2011. Although it has ended on a high note, with some goals coming to fruition - so I feel good about that! In 2010 I made some great strides in my life, and actually made some changes. Okay - the changes didn't stick 100%, but still, there was progress. Here I am now, facing lots of the same decisions, with lots of the same emotions, and once again, just craving change. Why do we do that? Why do we allow ourselves to get stuck in the same cycle over and over again. Oh well - such is life I suppose. I guess the real question on my mind now, is what's next? What do I do differently? Do I move forward - and if so - how? (Duh - of course I move forward! :)
I have a new job - and I LOVE it! I am so glad that I left Mozy and am with Stevens Henager now. Here is some free advise - NEVER sacrifice happiness and something you love - for more money! I know that kind of seems obvious, but when you are struggling, it's not always an easy decision. Anyway, I love that I am able to work from home, and really feel like it does and is going to open up a lot of opportunities for us and myself. (Like being able to have a baby with out the panic of trying to figure out how to pay for daycare)
So now there are decisions to be made about debt, weight loss, babies, etc. But not necessarily in that order. :D
Mike and I have been having the discussion that we need to choose a time frame of when we will start working on the baby thing. It will probably take working with a fertiltiy specialist and what not. And as much as we would like to be in a certain position financially and physcially, it's never going to be picture perfect. Last summer my Dr did tell us to wait and to work on getting some weight off so we will not have to be dealing with gestational diabetes. I have lost some weight, but am not quite where I will need to be. So... with that in mind we are considering our options, and my guess is it will be some time in 2012 that we start with the testing and such.
Mike and I have some lofty financial goals this year. We want to be free of the burdens from bad choices in the past. This is going to take a lot of time, dedication, dare I say - patience, and hard work. But I truly believe we can put a dent in these burdens and finally release ourselves from the chains of our past. We have a way to do it - now comes the easy part - doing it! hahahahaha But we do have an awesome business opportunity with Mike's dad, and we are going to take it! More on that later.
And lastly, weight loss. **Sigh**

Sometimes I wonder if there will ever be a time in my life when I don't have to spend time, energy, money, emotions, and myself on trying to lose weight. When I will no longer be a "new diet" junky. When I can have a regular relationship with food. When food can simply be nutrition for my body. And I can simply be Sam.

I have met a lot of amazing people over the last two years. Some have been very successful at losing weight and keeping it off. I want to ask them how they did it - not the diet and exercise part, but how did they just keep going. And I wonder if they are stronger then me? Have more will power? Are just freaking rock stars. And I wonder, will I ever get to be on that side of it? I know this is not super upbeat and chipper - like I usually try to be. But... I'm just so stinking sick of being here. I'm almost pissed about it. No... wait... I am pissed about it! And there is only one person to blame. But I know that's not going to do me any good either. So there is only one person that can change me, and that's me. What's that saying, if you want change - then change? Here goes!

Actually, it's really not all that bad as I'm making it seem. Haha. I am actually down about 15lbs from my highest this year. I'm running regularly again. I ran a 10k in Moab at the begining of Dec and finished it. And my eating hasn't been completely rotten. I just haven't had the best couple of days eating wise, and I'm wallowing. Time to stop wallowing!

Last night I watched "Fat, Sick, and Nearly Dead". This is a documentary on a guy (2 actually) that go on a Fruit/Veggie Juice fast for 60 days. They both lost a ton of weight and felt great! No, I am not planning to do the same thing. But... I was thinking of giving the fast thing a try for maybe 10 days. Something to jump start my new year and my weight loss. One of the bloggers I follow, Becky, is doing this for a couple of days. (Check her site out, lots of great pictures!) So I will be very interested in seeing how it goes for her. If I like it, then I could see doing it for a little while longer. Both Mike and I are wanting to drop some weight before spring for our 1/2 marathons, so maybe this could be very helpful. Who knows? Anyone ever tried it? How was it? How did you feel? Was it yummy? Or gross? Were you starving?

Anyway... that's an update of where I am at in life. I'm really excited for 2012. I think it's going to be a monumental year. We are going to be rid of some heavy debt, hopefully have a busy (and productful) business, lose weight, enjoy some challenging races, hike like maniacs, and with any luck, maybe be pregnant by the end? 

With all this thought on change, I've decided to give blogging a real try again. I think it was a big part of why I was so successful in 2010, and I want to be successful in 2012. Plus this will be a big year for us with all this going on - and I want to have some kind of journal about it all. I don't know that I have any readers left. But hopeful you/they will come back! If you are still here, thanks! Talk to you again soon!
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Saturday, November 26, 2011

Running 1 Mile...

Hard Work! Determination! Hard Work! Determination! 

I did it! 

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Saturday, November 5, 2011

Blogging helps me be a better runner!

I have started training for a 1/2 marathon in April. We have a 10k coming up at the beginning of Dec as well. Today we went running at the local in door track, which I do not love so much. I love being out doors! Anyway, as I was running, I started thinking about my blog. In 2010 when I first really learned how to be a runner, and fell in love with it, I realized it was because of blogging. In 2010 my time spent running, was my time spent with me. It was my time to think, let things go that were bugging me, to pray, and to write blog posts in my head. All this took the focus off my hurting feet, my aching back, my burning lungs, and my thumping heart. As time went on, those painful things all kind of stopped happening - and running was invigorating not only mentally - but physically as well.  And as I focused inward, I was able to just run (be it slowly, but what ever). As I was jogging today, I realized that is what has been missing from my jogs. Now granted, I've only been training consistently for one week, and on and off again over the last month or so. But still, I think if I start do some blogging again, it will help me continue to be consistent and to improve.

I've tinkered with Intuitive Eating for about a year now. And I have learned a lot! I don't think I'll ever be the same when it comes to food - in a good way. However, I don't want to tinker any more. If I am going to be able to be a mom some day, then I need to stop tinkering about and get to work.  I always have this debate in my head - Diet? Or Intuitive Eating? I think I've come to a solution. Both.

I've set some goals for myself that I feel really good and excited about!
1. Run 10k on Dec 3rd.
2. Run 1/2 Marathon on April 14th.
3. Lose 40lbs by April 14th.

It's been a while since I've really allowed myself or even wanted to set a number goal. But it feels right and like it's the right time. Last year I bought a diabetic management book by Bob Greene. I thought it would probably be the best way to manage my Insulin Resistance - and I had also been told it can help a bit with PCOS. This last Monday I started it - basically I am on a 1700 calorie diet with 150ish grams of carbs allowed. I have done so many diets over the years - but funny enough I have never actually just counted calories. So that has taken some adjustment. For exercise I am simply training for my races. I am using Hal Higdon's training plans. 4 weeks of the 5k, then the 10k, then the 1/2 marathon. It will take me right up to my race in April. And then I'm also meeting with (or will be) some women from my church at 6am three times a week to work out. 

I was a little worried about fitting Intuitive Eating in - but it has been easy. Yes, I'm counting calories, but I'm also listening to my body. And if I don't need all the food - I don't eat it. Or if I"m hungry still, I find something that will be filling, and healthy. On Friday night we went out for Indian food (my FAVORITE!!!!). I didn't overeat though, and I felt proud of myself. We also stopped at a little bakery we've been wanting to try and I chose a fruit tart. It wasn't that good, and after a little while, I was still craving something sweet. So I had a couple of small scoops of ice cream with some gummy bears from Halloween. Seriously, it was probably only 1/4 cup. After I ate it - I started feeling guilty and talking to myself about starting again tomorrow and yada yada yada. That diet talk was so ingrained, it just came out of me with out even thinking about it. But I stopped myself. I realized, I hadn't done anything wrong. I had a respectable and healthy breakfast and lunch. I did awesome all week, and I had knowingly chosen to let myself have a yummy dinner and treat. And I hadn't gone overboard! I stopped the negative talk and that felt great too! They can coincide!

I am in this to be true to myself
I am in this to be healthy
I am in this to be a better runner
I am in this to allow Mike and I the opportunity to someday be parents
I am in this to lose weight
I am in this!

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Thursday, November 3, 2011

Seriously, check this out!

My brother went to Mexico a few weeks ago, and he took this video... pretty amazing!



If you want to share it, here is the link: http://youtu.be/vakhLBiQKkU

Saturday, August 13, 2011

Strip Me



My title is so named because I was listening to this song by Natasha Bedingfield when I started writing this post and it kind of fit. Although, the song and my post are not exactly about the same topic, maybe they will be eventually. Let me explain.

This song is about power. About a woman knowing her power and calling on it. And truthfully, I'm just realizing that I have given my power away. But listening to this song gives me hope that someday I'll get there. She's saying that even if you stripped her down, you couldn't take her voice. My post is more about the fact that I am starting to strip down layers of... protection that I have built up. I am stripping myself down in a lot of ways - I feel very exposed.

Abstinence for me right now means not binging, And I have been abstinent 13 days.

I have been really emotional lately. Today was kind of an up-down-up-down-up day. As I thought about this, and the last week, I realized what might be going on. For the last 12 years or so I have used food (in the form of a binge) to cope with... everything. Sure, I've had moments of sanity. But a good majority of that time I have been hiding. I have buried myself in food (and books, TV, and spending money). I haven't faced my life honestly, or those around me really. It has been my way to
get by. To hide from my feelings most especially. So... this last two weeks I've taken that away. And my feelings are raw and exposed. And honestly I haven't managed them in the best way. I think the Lord knew I just needed some time letting go of the binge (which is far from complete - but it's a start), and that I wasn't ready to face this. But tonight it was put in front of me that just not binging isn't enough. I also get to start learning how to manage these feelings so they don't come out exploding on anyone standing within 20 feet!

Like I said, I am stripping myself down. It hurts and it feels right. It's difficult to take a hard long look at yourself and to learn a new way to live. But I just know that the outcome will be well worth the effort!

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Saturday, August 6, 2011

Mish-Mash of Happenings

In this post you'll read about Over-eaters Anonymous, Abstinence for me, Wendy's Chicken Nuggets and Fries, a Car Accident, and lastly my dinner at an African restaurant.

This has been a good and wild week! 

Overeaters Anonomouyos 
I should probably learn how to spell "anonomoyous" as I spell it wrong EVERY time and have to spell check it!( I left my original spelling for you to see what I mean) Ha! Anyway... I attend a small group that has only been going for about a year or so. We usually have about 6 or7 people and a big night is 7 or 9 people. Well... this Thursday, there were 16 people!!! It was huge!!! So exciting! It's amazing the energy that comes from having that many people there having the same struggles and working the same steps.

Abstinence
If you read my last post, then you already read about my answered prayers. What I didn't really tell you, is that along with those answered prayers came abstinence. I have been abstinent for 5 days. Abstinent right now is simply not binging. I am going to define it a little more then that, but want to do that with my Sponsor. I have a person in mind for my sponsor, but haven't made it official yet. The last time I did this a couple of months ago, I was abstinent for about 9 days I think. And claimed I was on Step 3 or 4. But the thing about it was, I had to claw my way through each of those 9 days to not binge. It was hard. 

The difference this week is I used a workbook that goes along with the 12 steps. I did a lot of journaling for the first step. And through that journaling, my eyes were thrust open regarding some issues I've been giving a blind eye to.  Step one states that "We admitted we were powerless over food and that our lives had become unmanageable". This was always a hard one for me to swallow or to own. It felt negative and defeating to me. But this week through my journal and answering the questions in the work book, it became very apparent to me that it is in fact truth. My life has become unmanageable. Sure there are parts I do okay with. But for the most part, it's spinning wildly! And the fact that I am powerless over my food - well... the fact that I have lost and gained 20-40lbs about 7 or 8 times in the last 7 years, I think speaks loudly enough for that. 

I was answering the question "Am I in touch with my feelings or have I buried my anger and fear in false cheerfulness?". And as I wrote that I am not in touch with my feelings (and often use fake cheerfulness to hide that). And that I use to need a trigger such as anger or fear to trigger a binge, but that I no longer do. I just binge because that's what I do. And if I do in fact have an emotional trigger - all the better because now it's justified. That is the moment when I realized that I truly have given my power over to food. And there was something truly freeing about this. It wasn't as if the hope had been sucked out of me as I expected it would be. To the opposite, I felt like there was this weight lifted off my shoulders and I was finally free. The truth shall set you free!

This week, it was probably about Wed or Thurs before I thought to myself - "Hey self, we haven't been binging! Yay!", after which followed a prayer of gratitude. Because really, this didn't come from me or self. It came from God. I am going to put together an abstinent vase today. I was reading one of my previous posts about meditation being like a book, and each time you do, it's like turning a page. Doesn't feel like much, but when you see those pages start adding up - it shows how far you've come. I was thinking that I might make a visual aid of my abstinence, so that even though one day may not feel like much, I'll be able to see how far I am coming. I'll post pictures when it's done.

Wendy's Chicken Nuggets and Fries
We went to visit some family this week, and they had just had Wendy's for lunch. Mike stole a couple fries and I grabbed one from him. It was good, and I wanted another. After we left I suggested that we stop by Wendy's to get some Spicy Nuggets (which I LOVE) and a fry. So we stopped and each got a Spicy Nugget and a large fry to share. I didn't feel guilty about this. I was hungry. And I didn't feel like there was so much food that it would turn into a binge. I slowly enjoyed my tasty nuggets, and had my share of the fries. Yum! But as we drove, it sat in my belly and I noticed something. Fried foods do not make me feel good. It wasn't painful necessarily, but I could tell that it wasn't really giving me any energy, I could feel it just sitting in my stomach like a rock, and I was just uncomfortable. It was just one of those moments where I could be honest with myself that the choice I had made was not a good one. Not because of guilt but because it didn't make me feel good. And the next time I'm craving nuggets, I hope to remember this lesson and that I will choose something that will not only taste good, but will give me energy and help me feel good! 

Car Accident
Last night I was in a car accident coming home from work on the freeway. It wasn't terrible, and no one was hurt thank goodness! It was right before some off ramps, and some guy was not paying attention and all of the sudden slammed on his brakes. The guy behind him swerved and missed him, but the girl behind him hit him, and I hit her. We weren't going very fast, so luckily the damage was really minimal. My car and the girl's car (she was 16 and freaking out - I felt bad for her!) only really had scratches. The first guy his bumper was fallen slightly and will need some work. Anyway, so we called the cops, they came, we got off the freeway, filled out the paperwork, and then waited for what seemed like forever. Finally he came and gave us the other drivers info, our tickets and we were able to leave. As I said, no one was hurt. But it's so crazy the adrenaline that rushes through you. For the first 10 min after it happened I couldn't get my hands to stop shaking. And then I was totally fine, laughing about it even! It wasn't until he gave me my ticket and I drove away that I started crying - not because I was hurt - but because we would have to pay a ticket. And that our insurance could go up. We just can't afford those right now. Luckily Mike has been working some overtime but I HATE HATE HATE that his hard work will have to pay for this, instead of go on debt. I don't feel like I wasn't paying attention, it just happened, but it still sucks. Oh well... it could have been SOOOO much worse! I'm just so grateful that no one was hurt and that the damage really was minimal. 

African Restaurant
So my friend introduced us to this African restaurant and we love it! The food is sooo tasty! I made a picture of it to show you what it looks like and to tell what it comes with. You have this spongy bread that you rip into pieces and sop up the different foods and eat it with your hands. So good! If you're in the Salt Lake valley, you should give it a try!This picture is of their Ultimate Combo for Two.




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Thursday, August 4, 2011

What a beautiful week!

I have to say, it really has been a great week (with some clouds, and thunder storms - both in the literal and emotional sense, but that's for another post)!! Just having my blog back, even though I've only posted once, has been great! I can't believe how much I missed it. 

Also, a week or so ago I had a pretty lengthy discussion with God and got some answers. I am approaching my relationship with Christ in a new way and I love it! I feel like I am in a better space about who God is, what He expects of me, and what I need to do. Because of this communication, I have several things I have felt prompted to do. 

One was to cancel Netflix. That was hard! We just have been watching too much TV, which leads to much laziness and eating! So we did it! This means the only thing we really have access to are our movies, and the occasional show on Hulu. I feel really good about this move! 

Another one was to stop hiding socially, and to have some conversations I've been avoiding. I have started working on the not hiding, and had the conversations I was avoiding. Let me just say, I have wonderful people in my life and I love them!

The last one is to get a blessing from Mike, which will be done this Sunday. 

Overall, I'm feeling very good about all this. I feel like I have been asked to do something, and finally held up my end of the bargain. God always does his part, I'm the one that falls short. But I guess that is where that new perspective I mentioned comes in. 

I used to always pray with guilt. Do you know what I mean? Like everything I had done was bad and wrong, and that made me a bad and wrong person. If you asked me to describe God to you, I would have said he was a loving, kind, and forgiving Father that want us to be happy (and much more of course). But in my prayers, I wasn't really acting like that was my belief. The way I would pray and think, it was if he was a cruel man that withholds from me when I am "evil" and that he is berating me for not being perfect - even though He wasn't. I was the one holding onto that perception. And because of that, two way communication was limited. Have you ever tried to have a relationship with some that you feel like doesn't "get you"? Well that's exactly what was happening! I wasn't really getting Him. 

I had some ah-ha moments recently and as such, have tried to change the way I pray. To pray in a loving manner not only to God, but also myself. To not let my own self disappointments and frustrations come out in my prayer, and not to mistake those feelings as if they are God's feelings. I have found that by doing this, I am much more open to receiving the Spirit, and to really hearing what Heavenly Father is trying to say to me and to teach me about myself and Christ. 

I'm not sure if I'm making sense, I'm kind of tired. 

Anyway... it's been beautiful! And because of this shift, it has been a very different week for me. As has this post. I was planning to post about Over-eaters Anonymous and my experience with Wendy's spicy chicken nuggets today. But... my fingers took me in a different direction. Guess you'll have to come back tomorrow night for those stories!!

Night!

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Saturday, July 30, 2011

Breaks over... back to work!

I have missed this. I have missed you! I wish you were here so I could give you a big hug! I've also missed writing and sharing my thoughts. It has been a good break, but it's time to get back to work. 

If you are still around, leave me a comment and tell me what you're up to. I missed you! 

As for me? Well, I'm still working at the same place - but I feel a lot more confident in my performance. I am still in Young Womans, and LOVING it! We went to girls camp and it was so fun! My raspberries are in full bloom and growing like crazy! My fall bushes are as tall as me! I  am still overweight - yes I gained all my weight back. More on that in a minute.

Some new things, I'm bleaching my teeth - and it's working! I recently started walking again with some friends, and am really enjoying that and hoping to walk with my cousin in a 5k she is planning in September to support research for Hydrocephalus. If you are interested in getting involved, they are looking for donations, volunteers, and of course - walkers!

I have been diagnosed with Poly-cystic Ovarian Syndrome (PCOS) and Insulin Resistance, and am taking Metformin. It seems to be helping my blood sugar from dropping out on me. My doctor has advised us to hold off on getting pregnant for a little while until I lose some weight and get my numbers under control. This is really hard, and not easy for us. I pray we can just continue being patient and focusing on what needs to be done to eventually allow us to grow this little family.

As I had mentioned, I have gained all my weight back. Don't worry, this isn't going to turn into another post bemoaning the past and whining about my weight gain. I'm over it. The reason I mention it is because it has opened my eyes to the fact that there are underlying issues here. Big issues. And the truth is that until I deal with those, I will be overweight. I may be able to force myself to follow a diet and exercise for a period of time. I may even be able to delude myself into thinking that by following a diet and exercising a ton I'm "in control" and "healthy". But... it's not true (for me). And the longer I try and force myself to "lose weight" with only diet and exercise, the more miserable I will be. 

So where does that leave me? 

With diet and exercise of course! :) Well... not a diet really. I am still kind of torn between Intuitive Eating and having guidelines. I don't have it all figured out yet. But I know that I need both. I need to be free to be myself and to trust my body. And I need guidelines because I am an addict. I have a disease. And it won't go away by just hoping that it will. This may not sound very hopeful, but honestly, I have more hope then I have had in a long time. Because for the first time in a long time, I'm being honest with myself. Really honest. Painfully honest. 

Hi, my name is Sam and I am a compulsive over-eater.

I am attending Over-eaters Anonymous and have just begun working the 12 steps. This will include a lot of soul searching, journal writing, prayer, meditation, and self reflection. It also includes service to others, learning to let go of my selfish desires, and finding out what God wants of me. Within the next two weeks I'm hoping to have found a sponsor as well. Someone who will work with me on creating a food plan, give me challenges, help me work the steps and most importantly - hold me accountable until I can hold myself accountable.

My ultimate goal and path right now, is a spiritual and emotional one. I need to heal from the inside out. And I really and truly believe that if I can do that, the weight will fall off with out much of a thought from me. I plan to use my blog as an outlet in sharing what I am learning. I once asked the question of my readers if peace and then weight loss comes first. Or if weight loss and then peace comes first. I got a lot of varying responses. After my experiences from the last year, I've decided that for me, I must find peace, and then I'll have the weight loss. 

I have my answer, now I just need to go forth and do.

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Tuesday, June 7, 2011

I love you!

I've decided that for now I am going to stop blogging. I haven't been really doing much anyway, but just in case there are still a few of you out there reading, I just wanted to say thanks. Thanks for reading, supporting, and loving me. I'll be back some time, and I'll be keeping the same URL.

I love you, stay strong, and remember - you are worth the fight! 

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Saturday, May 21, 2011

A new book....

"If you try to get back the experience you had yesterday, you'll miss what God has for you today."
~Clint Brock

My mediation teacher, Clint, said two things this week that I thought were very poignant. The first is the quote above - which I'll talk about in a second. The other was that meditation is like reading a book. Each time you meditate, it's like turning a page. It may feel like nothing is happening and that it's insignificant. But day by day, page by page, you start to see it stack up. And before you know it, you are a changed person. So this week in Meditation group there was a woman who shared her experience during our meditation. She has been doing this for 5 years. She had been away for two weeks and said that she felt like she was back at day one. Page one. She said it felt awkward and silly, and embarrassing. I had a thought I shared with her after it was all over. Maybe she is at page one, but... maybe it's a different book.

Folks, I am starting a different book. I've finished and said good bye to the last one, it was a really good one, I must say. However I am looking forward to this new one. "Last Year, 45lbs lost, weight watchers, etc" was my book last year. And it seems I've clung to it with all the tenacity I have. Held tight to it for fear that if I truly let it go, if I finally admit that it's over, I'll be a failure. But the truth is, Clint is right. If I keep trying to get back the experience of yesterday, I will miss what God has in store for me today. Last year was beautiful. It was full of lessons about myself, God, and how to be a better person to others. It was filled with adventures and beautiful mountain sides. It taught me that I can do hard things. And just because it's over, doesn't mean I have to give back those lessons. They get to stay with me.

And so I let go of yesterday, to take hold of today.

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Thursday, May 5, 2011

Self realizations & commitment

Last night I went to a meditation group. I was scared to go, but I did it. I don't like group settings. Especially when I don't know anyone, and no one could go with me. I've noticed that the heavier I am, the more anxiety I get about being around people. 

The group had about 40 people. My teacher, Clint, was my meditation teacher in Massage Therapy school. He did some teaching for about 30 minutes and then we meditated for about 30. It was not a great meditation for me. 

He really hammered home 2 ideas. One, that the only reason to meditate is to come to God in prayer and meditation. The other idea is that with meditation you can not go into it with an agenda. With things you want to "fix". That you have to just surrender your life over to a higher power and allow that power to work in you. We have to invite it into every part of our being. To accept that if we want to really have lasting change, that change is none of our business. That we have to let this higher power in, and let it make the changes it infinitely knows is best for us.  

To me, the Higher Power is God the Father, and his son Jesus Christ. And I do believe what Clint was teaching us. So often we talk of faith as believing that we can be helped as a principal. We talk of it as doing things because we have been asked to. I do believe those to be a part of faith. But I also believe that what Clint was talking about was a higher level of faith. I believe it's the part of faith where we actually let the Lord heal our spirits, and by doing so we can come to a point where we follow the commandments, not because we have been asked to, but because doing the will of God is the only thing we seek. To do that, you have to surrender. It's scary to surrender one's control. To let go of our wants and desires, to allow the will of God to be the controlling factor in our life. Even to someone you trust as much as God.

The instant he told us to close our eyes and just be in our bodies, I revolted at the idea. Tears instantly sprang to my eyes and I did not want to be there. This vehement anger at my body and self rose up in my throat and I wanted to scream. But I didn't. I closed my eyes, I let the tears stream down my face, and I breathed.

It became apparent to me that I have not really been present in my body. I've been so focused on other things and fixing things (like what's "wrong" with me, what is broken, things that I've broke in precious relationships, etc), that I haven't allowed myself to feel what is really going on. Inside me. I've been allowing outside influences and other people's opinion matter more then my own. And certainly more then God's opinion.

In this moment of meditation, I was overcome by these emotions that I've been suppressing. Mostly anger. Anger at myself. Anger at loved ones who I feel have betrayed me recently and long ago. I think I suppress this emotion a lot because I am scared of contention. I am scared of that feeling that comes with it. I'm scared of making others feel bad. And I don't feel like I deserve the right to feel angry. Anger is selfish and is a bad feeling to have.... 

The whole meditation I just sat in this emotion, like sitting down in a puddle of muddy water. It was so uncomfortable! Usually meditation is yummy, warm and safe. This was hard, with jagged feelings, and I was acutely aware of my body. The aches I haven't even noticed and don't know how long they've been there. The feeling that I am stuffed inside of this body and it's not really my body. 

At the end I came away with the distinct impression that the reason I had to sit in these feelings was to realize that they are not evil. That I am allowed to feel anger. I am allowed to feel betrayed and hurt. And that by feeling that way - does not make me a selfish or bad person. It's what I do with those feelings that determines the kind of person I am.

I have a right to feel angry.

I have been unwilling and unable to really commit to anything over the past 4-6 months. Except eating a lot of food. I've been stagnant. I've been depressed and unable to see through the muck. But recently, things have been starting to change...

Several weeks ago, I committed to Mike to stop being stagnant. It was the weekend of General Conference. We had some amazing chats. We committed to working through the bumps and to making things better. We committed to sticking to our budget better, to getting out of debt. We committed to treating each other with more kindness and love. We committed to holding each other accountable and to no longer enable each other. To push each other to be better! We also agreed on some things that could be done to help this depression so that it won't plague our home anymore. And things have been really great! I am SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO blessed to have this man in my life. I adore him to the core and am daily amazed at his goodness.

At that same time, I committed myself to keeping the kitchen clean and to take better care of the house. I'm delighted to say that our kitchen has remained clean for 5 weeks straight! I know that for most people that may not be a big deal. But to me it is huge. For us it is huge. I have also kept up on the laundry, and the general cleanliness of our home. Last weekend, I even hung pictures in our house. Finally. It feels good to take ownership of this, and the spirit in our home has increased.

My weight loss journey has remained the same. I have not been dieting. Had no desire to diet. I have been eating a lot and over eating a lot. I have been more active, which has been good. But at the same time hard. Because it brings to light how truly out of shape I am. And that is painful, both physically and mentally.

As I have done some research, I have realized I have an eating disorder. I am a compulsive over-eater. This is probably not surprising to anyone who has been reading my blog. It's not really surprising to me either. It's just something I am finally ready to face. And deal with. And move past. I've been studying about how to deal with this. I've considered counseling, group therapy, moving to India :D, etc. I believe that through prayer I've come to the best solution for me (and us, as this does effect Mike too).

So I am committing myself to two things in regards to myself. One, I truly believe for me to find peace, to be healed, and to be able to move past this addiction, I need Christ. I cannot do this alone. If I give myself to him, he will turn me into my best self. I believe this begins with daily meditation and scripture study.

The other thing I am committing to is Over-Eaters Anonymous. There is a small group near my home that meets once a week. I am going to attend and work the 12 steps. There are no specific food rules, you decide all that on your own. For now, I am just committing to honoring my hunger. This will change and be modified as I start to feel ready and more comfortable with it. But for now, this is what I can commit to. For this week. We'll see what next week brings.

I meditated this morning on my own, and it was beautiful. It was warm and safe and what I expect it to be. I know it won't always be. I know that by meditating there is going to be stuff the spirit pulls out and works on. And it's going to hurt. But I know that I will be better for it. A better wife, a better daughter, a better sister, a better friend, and ultimately a better me. A me that I can come to love and enjoy being. And for now, that picture and hope is enough to get me through.

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Wednesday, April 20, 2011

Obsession vs. Passion

I'm reading a new book called Shrink Yourself. It falls in line with the Intuitive Eating type of thinking, but really I think anyone wanting to lose weight would benefit from it. It's all about learning how to be free from emotional eating. First he teaches you the principals, then the last part is actually going through sessions to get to the heart of things. 

One of the things he talks about is finding what you have a passion for. This got me thinking and trying to figure out what I have passion for. I'm not talking about the obvious things - God, family, and such. I DEFINITELY have passion for those things and they bring much joy to my life. I'm talking more about passion that will help me overcome my overeating. Hobbies, things that you want to do instead of eat when things get tough.

If I really think about it, I've only really had passion for a few things. Boys, friends, reading, camping, stamping (for a while), and.... food. And really - food and my weight have been the one constant in all the years. I can look back at old journals and can probably count on one hand the entries that don't speak about weight. But then I start thinking about it and realized that I don't have a passion for my weight - I have an obsession. I started wondering, what's the difference? 

The actual definitions: 

Obsession: The domination of one's thoughts or feelings by a persistent idea, image, or desire, etc.
Passion: A strong affection or enthusiasm for an object, concept, etc. 

I realize that I have had an obsession for weight loss for years, but what I really want, is a passion for living a healthy life - and making our home a place where Mike and some day our children - can also live healthy lives. 

The question really becomes, how do you know you have passion - not obsession. And does it really matter?

I have some thoughts on this, but I want to know what you think. What are your thoughts on obsession vs. passion. Is one more useful then the other? Do you think obsession is a negative thing? If so - how do you over come it in your journey? Or do you use it as a catalyst to make something happen? Tell me your thoughts!
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Wednesday, April 6, 2011

Ripping Off the Scab

I had a really awesome weekend last weekend. It was General Conference for our church. This is when we get to hear from the leaders of our church. There are four session, each 2 hours. I know that seems like a lot - but it goes by so fast! Luckily they print all the speeches in the Ensign so we can read and study them. I got a few answers I've been looking for.

I also had a couple of tough conversations with some loving family members. This was not what I was really expecting to come from the weekend - but I'm so glad that it happened. To respect them, I am not going to give names, but, you know who you are. Thank you! Thank you for your honesty, your love, and support. I love you! 

I've come to realize that learning about ones self is kind of like picking a scab. I know this is gross, but bear with me. When you have a wound that you didn't really take care of properly, and it has a ugly big scab over it, and it's all itchy, don't you just want to take that scab off. I do! At first, you just pick at it here and there, itch it a little. But soon, you have one end of it up a little. And although you know it's going to hurt, you soon realize that it's going to drive you crazy unless you just rip it off. And once you do, that wound is now exposed. Vulnerable. Maybe even bleeding. You can choose to ignore it, deal with the blood quickly, and let it scab over again. Or, you can give it some proper care and allow it to heal in a way that is less painful and will not leave such a scar. I think this is a lot like self reflection, or like learning about ourselves. Sometimes there are things that we know are there, just under the surface. And a lot of the times, we've built this shell to protect it, and ourselves from it. But because we know it's there, we pick at it, until finally one day either by choice, or because someone does it for us, that shell gets ripped off. And we are vulnerable and exposed. Here in lies the choice though. We can choose to ignore it, handle only the absolutely necessary part of it, let it get infected again, and finally be covered up. Or we can choose to nurture our wounded self. Deal with the feelings, and help it to be an actual healing process. 

I am going through this process. It isn't pretty. It's painful, and ugly and hard. And I know that my blog has not really been very fun to read as of late, and I'm sorry. But I have to take this time to really deal with this stuff and to heal. I know that most of my readers are weight loss bloggers. And you probably want to read about others doing what you are doing. And here I am saying I don't have any goals, I'm not dieting, and that you should except yourself where you are. I guess what I'm saying is, there will some day be outdoor adventures, and new discoveries again, there will be goals and dreams again. But right now I am making discoveries about my heart, soul, and mind. Like I said, it isn't pretty, but it's real. And if you think you can lose your weight without dealing with this stuff too - your kidding yourself. I'm not saying you have to do it the way I am by any means - but hopefully you can identify with what I'm going through - and it will help you on your journey too!

I learned some lessons and things about myself this weekend. Some from the conference and spirit I felt while watching it, some from the conversations I mentioned, and some from personal reflection. I wanted to document them, so I'd remember. Here we go - ripping off the shell:
I am crazy. But here is the kicker - most women are because of hormones. Let's face it, my hormones are off kilter. This is why I am so up and down. This is why I don't have periods. I personally think, this is what is holding my body back from getting pregnant on it's own right now. Today my blood sugar dropped so fast and low at the grocery store, it was scary! If I hadn't of had my cart, I'd probably not have been able to walk. Between these two things, my hormones and blood sugar, I think it's time I go to the Dr and find out what my options are. I need to know what is going on, and I am ready to start getting things in balance. While I'm not happy about the idea of taking drugs, Mike and I have discussed it, and we feel it's the right thing to do. Hopefully it will be a temporary thing and as I lose weight again, my body will balance out, and I'll be able to stop taking them.

I enable Mike, and he enables me. We use each other as an excuse to not do things. We've discussed this, and are going to work on not giving in. Giving in to spending money we don't have, and eating excessively. To call each other out on it, and to not get mad when the other does call us out. I know, this will be tricky, but I think it's a good step for us. 

I don't want to have a baby, right now. This one is really a tough one, and it breaks my heart to even see it, but it's true. And I need to let that be okay for now. I've been tying my body size to my inability to have children. Which is partially true - at least if what the doctors are telling me is true. But at the same time, as was recently pointed out to me, they have drugs I could take. I could probably get pregnant (hopefully) rather quickly. And up til now, we have not pursued those options. Kind of strange for a couple who claims they want a baby so bad? I think what it comes down to is, we're not ready. Part of my fear is people will judge us for this decision, but I guess that's okay. We are not saying we don't want to have kids, just not at this moment. I personally need to be free of the pressure for a while that I have been putting on myself. The pressure that was causing so much guilt and anxiety surrounding babies and my weight. I will have children, one way or another - when the time is right. And because we are taking this time - and being given this time as the case may be - we will be awesome parents (if I do say so myself)!

**Update 4/7/11** I wrote this post late last night, and when I finished and went to bed, it was with a heavy heart. Which is weird, because usually a post like this leaves me feeling free. I pondered what it was, and I realized it was the statement "I do not want to have a baby" from the previous paragraph. I do want to have a baby. I do want to be a mother. I think by saying I don't, I'm not really being true to myself, or to Mike. But at the same time, I do recognize that there are things holding me back. All this time I've been blaming the holdup on my body. I guess now I am just acknowledging that part of the hold up is me. I'm not ready - even though I really want it. This feels more true, and now I feel free. :) 

It is very important for me to keep the kitchen clean. It seems in every home, there is the hub. The room that everything seems to revolve around. For us as a family, I would say that room is actually the living room. This is where we spend most of our time. However, for me as an individual, it's the kitchen. The kitchen and my mood seem to be joined at the hip. If the kitchen is messy, if there are dishes to be done and trash all over (yes this happens, because I am not a great house keeper), I am more likely to be grumpy. I am less likely to want to do anything productive - at all. And the VERY last thing I want to do is cook. There have been many a night we ate out, because I couldn't bear to enter the kitchen. Thus putting a burden on our bank account - and my love handles, and my sweet husband. But... when the kitchen is clean, I am much more productive. I want to eat healthy and cook. I want to exercise. I am in a happy mood and enjoy being home. As such, I am working really hard to do the dishes every day. A novel idea - I know. I have done it every day this week - and it actually hasn't been too bad. I've actually enjoyed it! Who would have thought! 

Lastly, I don't have to lose weight. But if I want to, I need to do it for myself. As I mentioned, I have been tying my weight to having children. I have also been wanting to do it for Mike. I have also wanted to do it for my parents. And in some ways, I've wanted to do it for my blog and my readers. All these wants are not really bad - but they are hindering me. In trying to make the whole thing an unselfish act that I am doing for someone else - I've turned it into a way to receive approval, acceptance, and love. But I don't need their/your approval and love because I'm thin. They (and hopefully you) already love me for who I am - right now! It's me that doesn't love me right now. It's me that does not accept and approve of who I am. And maybe that's the problem. Maybe that's the whole crux of it. One, that sometimes you do have to accept yourself as you are - before you can really move on. And two, that the changing of oneself needs to come from a place of love and acceptance by one's self to truly be life altering. Not sure this line of thinking is coming out clearly. Hopefully you get what I mean. 

I've ripped off some scabs recently, faced some the things underneath. And I feel better. With each one of those things I've dealt with, I've found a little love, and acceptance. It's going to take some more time. Take some more searching. But I do think I can learn to believe in myself again. I believe I'll get to that point where I can truly say that I love being me. Love being in my skin. And love my body.

Last year, things were good. And I dealt with some stuff, but I avoided a lot. I see now, I did not really dig in. I guess maybe I didn't see a need to, because things were so good. Why dredge up the yucky stuff. But now I see it was all there. And while I did learn those very valuable lessons that I learned, for them to be truly lasting - I have to deal with the yucky stuff.  I guess that's my point I want to leave you with. If things are good for you right now - use that as a time to go in and heal some old wounds. Because it is much easier to do it when times are good, because you have a better perspective and outlook. Your less likely to get sucked into the stories that the yucky stuff tries to feed you. Because if you don't they just creep back in a get you. 

Fool me a 100 times (that's how many times it seems I've been sucked in), shame on you (bad things), fool me 101 times, shame on me. Time to take the reins, and rip off the scab....

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Thursday, March 31, 2011

I feel....

Tired....
Sick of being tired....
Angry....
Frustrated.....
A sense of urgency....
Guilt....
Stuck in cement....
whinny....
Seeing a theme?

Seriously, I think what I really need is just a kick in the pants. My last four of five posts were all upbeat and motivational - and I enjoyed writing them. And I really felt in the moment that the words were true. And I still do. I'm just having a really hard time acting on them. I'm having a hard time acting... period. I am doing much better then I was in January, I'm not just sitting and watching my life completely pass me by. But I guess I know I could be... should be... want to be doing more. And I don't know why I'm not. And every morning I wake up and think today is the day. I am going to have my act together today. And then.... something happens... or nothing happens... and I just don't. And it's not like I'm going after perfection here. I just want improvement.

Okay, to be fair, there has been improvement. I have been cooking a few more nights then I was. I have been cleaning more then I was. I have been eating out WAY less then I was. I have been reading my scriptures more. I have been focusing more on Mike. In April we are going to living on cash, and I'm excited about that. I'm excited to really start paying off some debt. 
But my thoughts are still just so muddled. And so stuck. Last year I had a friend that was in a similar position. And I kept thinking, doesn't she know how amazing she is? Doesn't she know that if she did it once, she can do it again? Even though I have been there, lost and gained before. I didn't really understand. I had forgotten. But now, here I am. And now - I understand! Wow do I understand. And while I know what needs to be done, somehow, it feels like I'll never be able to do it. 

Once of my favorite blogs, Real Fat, talked about the key to success. And I KNOW that she is right. I know that the reason I gained, is because I stopped. And that I can continue being stopped, and I can be a failure. Or, I can wake up tomorrow and try again. That if I keep taking baby steps, every day. I'll eventually get to where I want to be. If I don't stop I can succeed, even if it takes a long time!

I'm in that place. That middle ground of the cycle. Do you know what I mean? That place where you are on the fence. You've got one leg over and your trying to decide which way to go. You know what way you want to go, but your fear is holding you back.

All these things keep jumping out at me. Phrases in songs, scriptures, movies even. They all are urging me to go through the fear, give up control, and just jump to the other side of the fence. That God loves me, that he will forgive me, if I just ask. That I should forgive myself.

And then there is the guilt. Oh the guilt. The guilt of knowing what I gave up. The guilt of knowing how stupid it is that I am stuck on something so insignificant like this - when there others out there suffering from things so much worse - and doing it with a great attitude. Guilt from not being able to move past it. Guilt from wasting my life pinning after what was, and not doing something about it. 

I told you, I feel whinny (and am whinny, sorry). 

I want to find the silver lining here. I want to be able to end this on a positive note, because that's what I do. But I just don't have it in me tonight. I am what I am, and today this is it. I'm frustrated. If someone wanted to, they could just come push me off the fence. Thanks. 


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Friday, March 25, 2011

Exactly Who We Are Is Just Enough



I found this song the other day, and I just LOVE it! There are so many good messages in it. We are Kings and Queens. Exactly who we are is just enough. God loves us and wants us to succeed. There is a place for us - we belong.  I was thinking about it yesterday as I listened to it, and it's so true!

I was thinking of my family, friends, co-workers, my young women, everyone I know. I was thinking of how much respect and love I have for each of these people. And how I just so much appreciate who they are. Right now. Not who they will be or could be, but who they are. Their goodness, kindness, spunk, selflessness, special talents they have and so often share with others, their smile and laughter, and most of all their love. I know the most amazing people. I'm just so blessed. And I guess I just really wanted to say thank you. Thank you for being such good examples to me.

It's a really interesting thought if you think about it. How can a person be enough exactly as they are, and yet.... have things they need to fix? Or Improve? Do you get what I'm asking? If a person believes they are broken, how do they at the same time believe that they are enough?

Close your eyes - go on, do it - and think to yourself "Exactly who I am is enough". What comes up? What feelings? What thoughts? Do you have peace? Do you feel it's true? Do you instantly want to list all the reasons that's not true? Do you have confidence in that? Do you have some panic, or fear? Do you feel inadequate? Or do you feel your strength?

I think so often, it's easy to see the goodness in others. It's easy to tell someone, "Exactly who you are is enough". But when we say it to ourselves, it's a whole different ball game!

Why do you think that is?

I think that for me, it really comes down to lies, and broken promises. We all go through experiences in life. Some people have gone through awful things. Some people have been sheltered. But everyone has had moments that changed them. That hurt them. That made them doubt themselves, their abilities, and their worth. Where they made the choice to give up on themselves, because their not worthy. Some of these experiences had only to do with one's self, and some of them were brought on by the poor choices of others. And some of them were brought on to others by one's own poor choices, after all we all make mistakes.

I think a lot of the time, the lies come from the stories we tell ourselves about the experiences we've had.
 
If someone made a bunch of promises to us, and they kept breaking them, soon we would lose trust in that person. We wouldn't value their input as much perhaps. We might begin to discount their feelings, and become desensitized to future promises. I think the same thing happens with ourselves.
 
I personally believe we were born to privilege and with that comes specific obligations. We have the potential to be great! We are not going to reach our full potential, if it's just given to us. And so this life comes with it's trials, and hurts, and pains. And one of the biggest hurdles to overcome? Ourselves. We must learn control, trust, love, forgiveness. We're always taught these principals apply to our relationship to others - which of course - they do. But it seems we are not taught until much later in life - that this MUST apply to ourselves as well.
 
So how do we overcome all of it? How do we get to the point were we can truly and honestly say "Exactly who I am is enough"! I think it's by learning to love ourselves. To forgive ourselves for the past. Learning to control our own power, and learning how to make it work for us, instead of against us. Each of us has power of choice. Some of us use it to serve others and to stand up for ourselves when necessary, and some of choose to give it away. Maybe to another person, or maybe to, oh I don't know... food? And we work on trust. We can either continue to break the trust by making decisions that are in opposition of where we want to go, or we can start earning trust again by making simple choices every day that take us one step closer. 
 
It's time! 
 
It's time to look yourself in the eye and say, the power is mine, and I'm taking it back!
 
It's time to love yourself, by forgiving yourself. Say your sorry (even to yourself if needs be), and let it go!
 
It's time to realize you're not broken!
 
It's time to take the power back and use it for good by standing up for yourself and others!
 
It's time to earn the trust you're worthy of!
 
It's time to not just think that some day you'll be enough, oh no.... 
 
It's time to realize that "Exactly who you are is just enough" right now!
 
It's time!

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Monday, March 21, 2011

A Christmas Carol... in March

So I have been visited by some Ghosts. That's right, you heard me. I was visited by the Ghost of Weight Loss Past, Ghost of Weight Loss Present, and Ghost of Weight Loss Future. Each of them has taken me for a different journey, and opened my eyes to some truths. 

Weight Loss Past
My mom and I recently have been working on our friendship. I've really enjoyed the time with her and am having a lot of fun. My mom is an amazing person! I was venting about some things to her and she gave me some advice. One of the things she told me was I should go back and read my blog from last year. I read a post here and there, but I haven't read it all the way through. Just to give you an idea of what kind of challenge this was - in January I was looking at cost to get my blog for 2010 printed in a blog. Want to know how many pages that book will be (when I can finally afford it)? Over 400 pages! Of course that's including all the comments and pictures too. But still, that's a big book.

I started reading about a week and 1/2 ago at the very first post. And today I finished my last post. I learned somethings along the way: 
1. I have AMAZING BEAUTIFUL WONDERFUL LOVING THOUGHTFUL friends! Seriously, there were several times I was brought to tears by the support and love that was shared with me. The honesty, the accountability, the... sheer love. I don't know that I'll EVER be able to say THANK YOU enough! Wow, I'm just so touched! You changed me. Every one of you, you have had an impact on my life and I thank God for you. For those I know in real life who stuck with me, and those I've met through other blogs. I love you! 
2. I change my mind... a LOT! Not really a good or bad thing I guess. Just something I noticed, as my "plan" changed about every other post. :D Guess that means I'm flexible?
3. I was strong, except for when I was weak. And I think a lot of times, I've let that weakness have too much power and control. And too often I allow it be an excuse to do less then my best. 
4. I was strong, and I did hard things! I beat a lot of fears last year and it was really awesome to be reminded of that. Of how extraordinary it felt! 
5. I love to run! It felt so good to use my legs and muscles, to spend quiet time with my thoughts, to be out doors, to sweat, and to breath. 
6. I enjoyed WW, and I enjoyed Intuitive Eating. Both were difficult, and I learned a lot from both. Reading over my posts and really thinking about it, I don't regret my change to IE. I still believe the Spirit led me there, and that it was what was next. And I do not blame it for my falling off the wagon. 
7. I talk a lot. 
8. I was so sensitive to what others thought about me, I talked about it a lot! I started to stand up for myself more toward the end and that was good to see. 
9. It was a great year! 
While I sometimes felt some twinges of sadness reading last year's posts and how great things were going, and seeing my before and after pictures, more often then not, I just felt proud. I was proud of my courage, my faith gained, my honesty, and my heart. 

Weight Loss Present
I began this journey at the beginning of 2010 weighing 260.8. Today I weigh 248. Even just a few weeks ago, seeing that in writing would have been heart breaking to me. But truthfully, reading my posts has given me a lot of retrospect, comfort, joy, and excitement. I am going to spend all my moments in the now to continue healing from the inside out. Giving to the Lord, my family, and others.

Weight Loss Future
I don't know what my future holds as far as weight loss goes, to be honest. As I've posted, I have no plan. And the more I read from last year, the more I feel like I don't want a plan. I have always been a person to set specific goals. Numbers, and dates, and plans, with charts, and measurements, and deadlines and rewards. But really, if I look back at those goals, not very many of them have ever really happened. Some have, but a very small majority. One thing that was so successful was my non-plan "plan" for exercise. It just worked for me, I felt free. I've already mentioned that I'm not following any real plan for exercise and diet right now. That's not changing. At all. I'm going to stick with the non-plan plan! In fact, I'm going to take it a step further. At the beginning of this year I set, again, very specific goals. Say bye bye! I really don't want to make a bunch of changes this year to this plan and that plan. But I am not going to focus on specific goals this year. I'm just going to live and focus on some general ideas and purposes. I'm just going to give. You want to see what I mean, read the page at the top of my blog called I Will...

I bought some new running shoes on Saturday. One thing we learned last year - if you are going to run - be good to your feet and wear the proper footwear! I am excited to put them to the pavement again!


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Tuesday, March 15, 2011

Own It

"Heavy is the head that wears the crown, 
don't let the greatness get you down"
~ Katy Perry

We got together with some our friends last week to celebrate some birthdays. It was fun as I haven't seen these friends in a while. My best friend's husband and I like to... tease each other a lot. And argue a lot. He likes to get a rise out of me, and I enjoy correcting him. At one point in the evening I called him a not very nice name. Which I honestly have done many times (and probably will say again). And when I said it he said "Yeah and?  I own it!". 

And even though he can drive me crazy sometimes, when he said that, it really did make me stop and think. Here I was calling him a name that to me, wasn't a pleasant name, but he was acting like I had complimented him. Now, of course, he was just playing the part. But at the same time, I know him to be a very confident person in who he is. He has some qualities that some people may look down on, and that I myself tease him about. But the truth is, he is one of the most confident people I know.   He truly does "own" who he is, what he does, and what he says. I really respect that, and admire his courage.

The other day I sat down for some self reflection. We had a lesson in Young Womens on preparing ourselves for the life after this one. And how we won't be able to take any of our possessions with us, and what we will be able to take with us. I decided to take inventory on myself, if I were to die right now, what would I be taking with me. I made a list of my strengths and weaknesses. And it was really hard to list strengths. Things that I would have put down before, I felt like a hypocrite for writing them down. And I could think of all these examples of why that wasn't really a strength. And of course, my weakness list was a mile long. 

After this experience with... we'll call him Bob (haha - this is a nick name he gave my husband that I don't care for too much), it made me think about "owning" myself. Owning my strengths, owning my weaknesses, owning me. I don't really own much of them to be honest. I wear my weaknesses like a badge of shame, but I don't accept them. I don't claim them as me, as a part of what makes me, me. I detest them, and ignore them, or dwell on them incessantly. And my strengths? I hide from those too, or I rationalize them away. I think of all the reasons they really aren't strengths, and why I don't deserve to claim them or own them.

So what if? What if we claimed our strengths and celebrated them. And what if we owned our weaknesses and just accepted them as a part of who we are. And what if we didn't judge ourselves for them but just saw them. What we are? Not that they have to be permanent, and that they can't be changed. But as Dr. Phil says, you can't change what you don't acknowledge. And I think I want to add to that, what you don't accept. I'm not talking about acceptance as in "I'm fat. Guess I'll always be fat". I'm just talking about loving one's self for who we are at the present moment, not feeling broken. I am not broken. You are not broken.

What am I owning today? I'm owning that I can be a very selfish person. I more often then not, put my own wants before others. I am also very manipulative and know how to push buttons to get what I want. I won't lie, it's painful to say that. Mostly because I know it's really true, and I'm owning it. But I'm not going to judge it. I'm not going to rationalize it or bemoan it. It is what it is... for now. 

I am also trying to own my body. To accept it as is, and to believe and know that it is beautiful. This is VERY challenging for me. And not just my face and hair, but everything. My pudgy stomach, my large thighs, my voluptuous (great word, eh?) butt, and my cankles. I recognize that most of those words are not very kind, but that's how I feel. That's how I feel! And I am owning it for this moment. I'm allowing myself to feel it, with out anger, or pain, or pity, or censorship.

I'm going to own the good and the bad. Not to change me or to fix me. But just to be me. I challenge you to do the same! 

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Thursday, March 10, 2011

I Am A Fighter!

I know that there is a lot of controversy over the Biggest Loser. Personally I don't think it's realistic AT ALL. And the weight loss portion - I like to see the before and after, but watching them lose that fast really doesn't do it for me. But the parts I do like, and that I do learn from, are the parts where they process their feelings. Sometimes it feels a little forced, or staged. But you can also tell when they are having a real moment, when it wasn't planned, and when the emotions are real. 

This last episode had a moment like that, and I found it very... thought provoking. This player Justin (one of the big guys) was working with Cara, one of the new trainers. And she told him she was going to push him down 100 times and she wanted to see if he would keep getting up. So they start and she keeps pushing him down, which was pretty impressive considering how tiny she is. And he was all laughing and making a game of it and how easy it was and that he could do it all day. At that point I was thinking the moral of the story is, when you get pushed down, get back up. Don't stay down! 

This lead me to some thinking on times in my life when I've been pushed down, and I haven't gotten back up. Or when it took me a while to get back up. Or when I jumped right up. Just thinking about my life in general. Honestly, this winter, I wasn't sure I'd be able to get back up. My momentum is building, but there are still moments where I think... I can't do it. I'm tired. I don't want to fight any more. I don't want to care anymore, because it hurts to care and fail. Or that it's so easy to be numb and thoughtless/careless. I dwelled a lot on that kind of thinking, and that lead to even more thoughts like that. This stuff feeds on itself and breeds like bunnies! It's been one of the toughest times I've ever had to pull myself out. I'm not out of the woods yet, but... getting there. 

So then Cara starts yelling things at him. Like she doesn't believe in him. She doesn't think he can win. She doesn't think he can make it at home. That he will gain all his weight back at home. That he will fail. 

And that got me thinking about how we are constantly bombarded with these thoughts. Media, TV, Movies, friends that mean well, sometimes family, and probably most of all - ourselves. I think the person I am the most hard on, the most demanding of, the slowest to forgive, and the fastest to criticize - is myself. Why is that? Why do we always jump right to beating ourselves up. I think it's because Satan knows that is the best and fastest way to keep us down. Because our beliefs become our thoughts, our thoughts become our actions, our actions become who we are. So if he can head us off at the start, it's that much easier to keep us down. 

All of the sudden, Justin is fighting back. It's like he finally realizes, yeah, I gotta get back up when I get pushed down - but even more then that, I don't have to let someone push me down. Or something, I don't have to go down unless I allow it. And all of the sudden he is standing strong and she can't budge him. And he is yelling in her face over and over "I Am A Fighter!!!!!".

I'm such a people pleaser. I do so many things because I want to please someone. Or the other way around, I hide from people. Last weekend there was an event I should have gone to, but I was ashamed of having gained all my weight. So I let another event be an excuse of why I couldn't go and support a friend. And then spent most the day beating myself up over the fact that 1. I gained the weight back, 2. that I was shallow enough to allow that to stop me from going, and 3. feeling guilty that I let my friend down. 

All this time I've been thinking that last year was such a failure, and that I was a failure because of it. But I'm slowly coming to think of it more like layers. Last year was just the first layer. I did a lot of needed work, but it was just the surface of what really needs to be done. And that's okay. THAT"S OKAY SAM! I just need to keep thinking that over and over. That's okay!

I think the biggest thing I took away from this moment on the show, was that I let way too many things effect me. I let myself get pushed down way too often, and most the time, it's me pushing me down. I need to start standing up to these thoughts again. I know that was a big part of last years battle. And it's not over, the battle continues as I work on eradicating those thoughts. I am a fighter, and I will keep fighting until it's won!

 I made some awful eating choices today. And on my way home, I had some plans of what I would do. But I got home and I just wanted to sleep. I am so tired all of the time! I think there is something really wrong with my hormones. I'm sure that is pretty obvious and I'm the last to see it. I'm going to go see my doctor and figure out what is going on.

Also, I was reading my scriptures today and came across a scripture that said to "strip yourselves of uncleanliness". I got thinking about that word, uncleanliness, and how it would apply in my life. I've already spoke a lot about the inner vessel and my spirit. But I realized that it also means two other things that cannot be negelected. One is my environment. I am not a great house keeper. And I think that this can bring me (and I think Mike) down. It's hard to feel good, and feel the Spirit when your living in a mess all the time. 

The other is my eating. I was not thinking about dieting particularly, but what the food I'm eating is doing to my insides. Is it clean food that will help my body run well? That will keep my insides healthy and pink? That will give me energy and help me not be tired? The answer is a big fat no. I still do not plan on imposing dieting rules on myself, because I'm just not up for it. But I do want to strive more often to eat for energy, not just for convience or taste. I'm so tired of being tired. I want to do things, but it's like I have no energy to do them. I can have some impact on that with my choices. I am a fighter. And I can make better choices. 

At the end of the day, I do think this life, my life, is worth fighting for. My relationship with God, Mike, the rest of our families are worth fighting for. 

I am worth fighting for. I AM worth fighting for. I AM WORTH FIGHTING FOR!!!!!!!!

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