Thursday, March 31, 2011

I feel....

Tired....
Sick of being tired....
Angry....
Frustrated.....
A sense of urgency....
Guilt....
Stuck in cement....
whinny....
Seeing a theme?

Seriously, I think what I really need is just a kick in the pants. My last four of five posts were all upbeat and motivational - and I enjoyed writing them. And I really felt in the moment that the words were true. And I still do. I'm just having a really hard time acting on them. I'm having a hard time acting... period. I am doing much better then I was in January, I'm not just sitting and watching my life completely pass me by. But I guess I know I could be... should be... want to be doing more. And I don't know why I'm not. And every morning I wake up and think today is the day. I am going to have my act together today. And then.... something happens... or nothing happens... and I just don't. And it's not like I'm going after perfection here. I just want improvement.

Okay, to be fair, there has been improvement. I have been cooking a few more nights then I was. I have been cleaning more then I was. I have been eating out WAY less then I was. I have been reading my scriptures more. I have been focusing more on Mike. In April we are going to living on cash, and I'm excited about that. I'm excited to really start paying off some debt. 
But my thoughts are still just so muddled. And so stuck. Last year I had a friend that was in a similar position. And I kept thinking, doesn't she know how amazing she is? Doesn't she know that if she did it once, she can do it again? Even though I have been there, lost and gained before. I didn't really understand. I had forgotten. But now, here I am. And now - I understand! Wow do I understand. And while I know what needs to be done, somehow, it feels like I'll never be able to do it. 

Once of my favorite blogs, Real Fat, talked about the key to success. And I KNOW that she is right. I know that the reason I gained, is because I stopped. And that I can continue being stopped, and I can be a failure. Or, I can wake up tomorrow and try again. That if I keep taking baby steps, every day. I'll eventually get to where I want to be. If I don't stop I can succeed, even if it takes a long time!

I'm in that place. That middle ground of the cycle. Do you know what I mean? That place where you are on the fence. You've got one leg over and your trying to decide which way to go. You know what way you want to go, but your fear is holding you back.

All these things keep jumping out at me. Phrases in songs, scriptures, movies even. They all are urging me to go through the fear, give up control, and just jump to the other side of the fence. That God loves me, that he will forgive me, if I just ask. That I should forgive myself.

And then there is the guilt. Oh the guilt. The guilt of knowing what I gave up. The guilt of knowing how stupid it is that I am stuck on something so insignificant like this - when there others out there suffering from things so much worse - and doing it with a great attitude. Guilt from not being able to move past it. Guilt from wasting my life pinning after what was, and not doing something about it. 

I told you, I feel whinny (and am whinny, sorry). 

I want to find the silver lining here. I want to be able to end this on a positive note, because that's what I do. But I just don't have it in me tonight. I am what I am, and today this is it. I'm frustrated. If someone wanted to, they could just come push me off the fence. Thanks. 


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5 comments:

Amalicious said...

I've noticed that when I feel stuck or depressed, it is because I am either 1. thinking about the past, 2. thinking about the future. It is only when I think about what I can do RIGHT NOW that I can feel happy and successful.

“Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own." - Matthew 6:34

"Do not lose yourselves in the past, do not run after the future. The past no longer is, the future has not yet come." -Thich Nhat Hanh

All we have is the present moment. We can only change what we do right now. Be proud of your improvements and successes and keep moving forward!

Hugs!

Dandelion Design said...

Dr. Phil has an interesting view on guilt. You only have the right to feel guilt when you a)maliciously do something wrong and b)are irresponsible. Guilt can't (okay, shouldn't) come from woulda, coulda, shoulda's. It is an interesting concept I'm thinking about lately. stay strong sis...i need you. Lots of Love.

Joy said...

I called my fence a wall. October - March was not great for me. I was frustrated just like you are now. I had this huge wall in front of me and I could not bust through it. I found that I was able to peak around it and see the possibilties of something better on the other side, but I was too afraid to do the work it takes to bust that wall down.

Then a couple of weeks ago, an idea started forming in my mind about goals. I like goals and want to make them, but I have not really been too successful in achieving them. So a lot of times, I figure...why bother?

But something got into me. A bubble of excitment and all of a sudden a plan started to form. Once I put in my mind that I was going to set a goal and achieve it, then some of the blocks of this huge wall began to crumble.

During my prep time (mid March), I made myself overcome many fears...Fear of shopping (I know dumb huh?), fear that I'm not doing well at work (which is a lie), fear people don't like me, fear someone will reject me. I could go on and on, but you get the point. Every time I faced one, I charged into it....and then more blocks crumbled and fell.

Now the wall is almost gone. Yeah, some of those fears creep back in. But I'm in fighting mode now. I'm not letting them in.

So my friend. Fight today to over come your fears. Get off of that fence and lets get this done. We can totally do it. You know, you've got what it takes. Girl, the Lord has big plans for you!! He's needs you in this race. Now come...Lets go!!

Keep focused!!

Emery said...

My offer stands! If you want a butt kickin' to get 'off that fence', call me! Let's do something active! Let's go!

Quay said...

Just checking in to see how your doing!!