Friday, December 31, 2010

You Knew... Didn't You?

You knew that I couldn't do it - that I can't give up blogging. I have another blog that I am going to use as the journal I mentioned. That way I can continue blogging here publicly. I don't know what it will look like. It will still be about weight at times, but I'm hoping it will be about more than that too. More of a life blog then a weight-loss blog. So, stay tuned. :D

2010 was such a beautiful year! I grew, I learned, I fell down - a lot, but I got back up a lot too! I played, I hiked, I rode my bike, I camped, I ran, I came closer to the Lord, and I did things I never thought I would be able to do (like a 11.4 mile hike)! I proved to myself that I can do hard things. That I am a person of worth, and I deserve goodness in my life!

Among some the new things I tried was Intuitive Eating. This was a wonderful experience for me. It was liberating to eat with no restrictions. To love myself appropriately with food. I know that sounds wierd, especially from someone who "should" be learning to love herself without food. But hear me out.

I have been reading this book called Secrets. It is about a community that is slowing finding out that they are riddled with abuse. Sexual, verbal, emotional, and physical abuse. As I've been reading it, I've thought about my own life. I have been so blessed, and so sheltered! However, as I thought about it, I realized I have been receiving verbal and emotional abuse for many years. I'd say it probably started when I was in 5th or 6th grade. I don't think this person ever meant to intentionally hurt me. I think they were probably reacting to situations and circumstances that they themselves didn't understand, and took it out on me. They were scared, fearful, had little understanding of their own divine nature, and were prone to insecurities. I was an easy target - I was there. I was young, susceptible, and very trusting. As I grew older, I should have seen, should have realized what was going on and done something about it - but I didn't. It's like the frog. I was slowly boiled. The person I am talking about, the person who has belittled me publicly and privately, who has used mean - cruel - hurtful names, who has un-righteously judged and criticized my every move... was me.

The truth is I have been abusing myself for many years emotionally, verbally, and yes physically. When I have shoved more food in my mouth than was ever meant to be eaten - to punish myself for this or that. That is abuse. Or when I've checked out mentally and then physically abused my body by eating ungodly amounts of food. I've forced myself to wear clothing that were to tight sometimes - because I deserved it. I deserved to have people stare. I deserved to be uncomfortable. After all, I put myself there, right? I'd made those decisions and I deserved the consequences. Right? Wrong!

I have learned this year, that even though I have made mistakes, and I do have to live up to the consequences of my decisions, I do not deserve to be hurt. I do not deserve this abuse. And I don't have to take it any more. That is what Intuitive Eating was for me - freedom. Freedom to eat what I wanted, when I wanted - and NOT to have to beat myself up about it afterward! I've learned that it's okay to love myself. It's okay to have weaknesses and not to hate them. It's okay to eat. So I learned that I can eat and love myself. That is what Intuitive Eating has taught me.

In my last post, I vehemently discarded dieting - I was done. I think that was another step I needed to take in shedding this painful abuse. Diets have always told me who I am, what to do, and how to do it. Another form of abuse is some ways. I needed to shed that and be allowed to do it my way. To think my way and do what I wanted - without the guilt. I'm still learning to let go of that guilt, but I am well on my way!

As Mike and I have discussed our plans for 2011 and what we want to accomplish, I knew that I would continue my goal to lose weight. But it's so different then it was last December. Last December I was desperate. I was lost. I felt alone, hungry, and defeated. This year? I feel enlightened. I feel free. I feel safe and loved! I feel a sense of who I am and where I am going and that it is, in fact, me that is directing this path with the Lord on one side and Mike on the other.

As I consider what it is I want in my life, I realize I already have so much! There really is only one thing missing that tugs at my heart every day. Children. This has been really hard for me lately. I've been really weepy about it and having some pity parties to be honest. It's been making my daily tasks so hard, and has been draining my energy. But as I write this, and as I admit the abuse that's been going on, and as I see things for what they really are, I see that there is purpose in all of this. There is purpose in me not having had children yet. There is purpose in the years of pain that I have experienced, and there is purpose in my journey to be rid of all the abuse, hurt, fear, loneliness, hate, etc. I know the Lord sees me, and is preparing me for whatever it is that he has in store for me. And I need to do my part.

That includes losing weight. For whatever reason, my woman parts just don't seem to work when I am over weight. So I do need to lose weight. But... like I said before - that "need" is coming from such a different place this year. But this year will not be just about weight loss. There are other things - big things - that Mike and I will be focusing on together. I'm actually really excited, it's going to be a HARD but awesome and empowering year!

Some of the things we will be working on will be paying off a rather large credit card, getting Mike back into school full time, going on a real vacation (and paying for it all with cash), LOTs of yard work, I'm working on my Personal Progress as a leader, Mike is planning to participate in several sprint triathlons - and maybe an olympic or two. I am going to train for a 1/2 marathon - and possibly a sprint or mini sprint triathlon, and we both would like to lose some weight. I am thinking 50lbs for myself. That is losing less then 5lbs a month. Very realistic, and very maintainable.

I haven't set them all down on paper yet, or the plan, but I will share once I do. The other big goal I have for this year - and it will be REALLY challenging for me, but I think it's important. That is to not change my goals once they are set. This year was about change. It really was, so I do not feel bad that my goals and mind changed as often as they did. But these goals for 2011 are very specific, and I'll probably want to change them, because they will be hard. But... I am not going to. Hold me to that, okay?! :)

I'm excited to stay. I'm excited to move forward in our lives. I'm hoping to get Mike a little more involved in my blog - to make it our blog. He doesn't know it yet, but I'm going to ask him to do some posting too! Good things to come!

Be honest with yourselves in all that you do! Sometimes admitting things, like self abuse, is really painful. But in the end, very freeing!


Friday, December 24, 2010

Merry Christmas!

To all my dear ones out there, I want to wish you a very MERRY and CHEERFUL Christmas and may you have a delightful NEW year!! We have all worked very hard this year, I hope you're able to look back on the year and say proudly "I did that!" what ever "that" may be. And even if "that" wasn't exactly what you thought it would be, it was still a big accomplishment! I pray we can all be safe and happy this season, and in the new year. Have a safe day tomorrow! May it be filled with the spirit of our Lord as we celebrate his birth. Without him, we have nothing! 

Much LOVE to you all! 

Merry Christmas!!!


Friday, December 10, 2010

Changing the Game and Farewell

For anyone that has read my blog or known me for five seconds will know - I LOVE change! I love changing the plan, changing my goals, changing me, changing my life, changing where I live, what I do, how I do it, everything! I'm not really sure why this is the case. If it's because I I thrive on the excitement and thrill and unknown that change bring - or if it's because I'm running from something. If I'm honest, I'd say it's probably a little bit of both! 

Of all the goals I set for 2010, I've achieved exactly 2 of them. One was to blog this year about my weight loss. Check! And two, was to run a 10K in Moab with my friend Liana! Check! Last weekend we journeyed down to Moab to run this race. Mike, Liana, myself, and my friend Emery all ran it. I knew Mike and Liana were both going to try for a good time - which I was in 100% support of! I was a little nervous about running that far by myself, but... I figured it would be okay. I had posted about registering for it a couple of months ago, and my friend Emery said she would love to do it too! So you can imagine my surprise and delight when I also found out she planned to stay WITH me the entire time! Em is fit as a whistle and could have run this race in nothing flat, so I was really honored that she chose to stay with me and finish at the very end! She was so awesome, we just chatted and caught up since we haven't seen each other in forever! She offered kind encouragement and I was really grateful to have her with me!

From Left to right: Liana, Sam, Mike. And in front: Stan and Emery. Us before the race!

I was pretty nervous but before I really had time to even think about it, the race had started and we were off. Let's be clear - if it had been this summer, I know that I could have run just about the whole thing! I was ready then. I was NOT ready now! It was tough! The first 3 miles we walked/jogged the entire thing. Not terrible really, but not my best either! We walked pretty much all of mile 3-4. When we got to 4 I told Em, okay, we are going to jog nice and slow the entire mile, and we did! That felt really good - to know that I could still do that! We also jogged most of 5-6.2. Toward the end I started getting a charlie horse in my calve, so that sucked! It hurt a lot, but I kept going. When we got back to the school where the finish line is, you have to do one last lap around the track - that was probably the hardest part. Because you know you are SO close to the finish line and yet... you still have to keep going. And now my calve was REALLY hurting and tightening up! With 200 yards to go I started crying. Crying because I was about to finish. Crying because I accomplished something I never thought I could. And crying because it hurt so bad! But I did it!! I was 6th to the last person that finished the race (hahahahahahaha) but I DID it! And that is what mattered to me! We are going to make this a tradition. And my goal for next year is to jog the entire thing. 

I don't know if you read the last post I just posted, but that was actually written about a week ago - I just forgot to actually post it. I've done a LOT of thinking since I wrote it. And I've made some decisions. 

Today I was playing with Willow while sitting here reading through some blogs. Right at the beginning of the year I posted about a weekend that we spent entirely training her. It was tough and painful for all involved! She is SUCH a strong willed dog and does NOT like to give up her control to us. But really - who does like to give up their control? Anyway... we had her trained really well. She would sit, lay down, stay, come, and drop her toy in your hand all at our command. Okay - let's be honest here - all at MIKE"S command! Haha! I never really have been able to get her to 100% listen to me. I'm too much of a push over - and she knows it. Anyway, the point was, she had made a HUGE amount of progress! But then... we took her to some family parties. And unfortunately all the kids running around telling her to sit-sit-sit-sit-sit and drop-drop-drop-drop over and over and over and over again taught her that what those words really mean are - run away!

So now when you say drop, she'll run a couple feet away and then drop it. Or she'll bring it to you but then jerk away at the last second. It's MADDENING! Well today I have the day off, whew! I am going to clean and finally get the rest of Christmas up. But as I was sitting here she kept playing this game that she does, and I decided - I wasn't having it. So I'm going back to making her put it in my hand. She gets so frustrated! She drops it right at my feet, where I will usually pick it up. She even put it up by the key board a couple of times. But no. I want it right in my hand. She finally did it a couple of times. But then she realizes she is giving her control up to me, so she gets frustrated and just takes it to chew on it for a while - but she always comes back. At one point she was just staring at me like "You're changing the game - and I don't like it!". 

It donned on me that is exactly what has happened to me this year! Each time I got into a comfortable place with my weight loss and what I was doing - the game changed. I know 100% that those changes were all meant to be and that I was doing as the Lord asked. So I'm not trying to say that it was a bad thing it changed, just that it did. This year turned out to be nothing like I thought it would. I thought I would lose some weight. I hoped for 100lbs, but would have been thrilled with 50. That's it - that's really where my expectations stopped. And even though in the end here I lost 45, but have gained back 15, the point is - I still lost 30lbs. But what I have gained in spiritual growth, personal growth, and confidence are SO much more important and precious to me. 

I think the Lord has been trying to teach me obedience this year. Each time I made an effort to do as I was asked, the game changed slightly. And for a while I would throw my efforts at His feet, but it wasn't enough - and I knew it. We always know when we are not doing our best. 

As this year draws to a close I am grateful. I am grateful for the love I feel from my Heavenly Father that I did not recognize this time last year. I am grateful for a temple recommend that I did not have at this time last year. I am grateful for new friends that I did not have at this time last year. I am grateful that I am 30lbs lighter then I was at this time last year. I am ever so grateful for the peace and confidence that I have now, that I most definitely did not have last year. I know myself better, and know more of what I want. And I think I finally know how to get it. 

I'm giving up. 

I'm giving up my desire to control everything that happens. I'm giving up my burning desire to lose weight and to control everything that has to do with my weight. I'm giving up focusing my life on losing weight. Why focus a short life on losing - when there is SO much more out there to focus on! I'm not only giving up on deiting as I've stated, I'm giving up on the whole institution. 

Instead, I'm embracing myself for who I am NOW. I am loving myself for who I am NOW. And I am thanking God for all that I have in my life NOW! I'm not going to waste any more of the little time I get here on my weight. I'm done! 

Does this mean I'm going to stop exercising? No. Does this mean I'm going to stop trying to listen to my body? No. I just means I'm done obsessing over it. It's time for me to focus on other things in my life. I think that if I gave as much attention to other things in life that I give to losing weight - I could accomplish ANYTHING I WANT! I truly believe that, and that's exactly what I'm going to do. 

I know that I would not be in a position to even say any of that, without this year that I've had to focus on my body. And for that I will FOREVER be thankful! I have learned so much about what I am really capable of, and what others are capable of. I've lived life to the fullest, and I'm ready to continue doing so to an even higher level! 

Next year will of course be filled with goals - as that's my thing. But they will not be the same goals I've always had and for that I am truly excited! I'm ready for what comes next! 

With all this thought on change, I've been considering my blog a lot as well. I kind of feel (and you probably do to) that it is coming to an end. I've decided to go silent. I am going to continue blogging, but it will be a private blog. I will not be giving anyone access and will be turning it into even more of journal then it already is. With the goals I have in mind for next year, I know that I am going to have a lot to put on paper. And those are not always going to be thoughts that I can share with others. While the thought saddens me to some degrees, it also is very liberating as well! I plan to keep my blog rolls as they are so that I can still read all of the blogs I have come to love so much! 

I'll blog a couple more times through December, and then come January 1, I'll be say adieu.


Feeling lost

Honestly it kind of saddens me to write this post. But... I have to be who I am. And hiding it from the world or myself doesn't do any good. Lately, when it comes to my body and eating, I feel a little lost. 

Since I have wandered walked directly into the Intuitive Eating realm, I've lost touch with a lot of my blogging friends. This make me sad. I understand my blog doesn't do it for them anymore, and frankly, some of the blogs I was reading don't do it for me either. We just kind of went in separate directions. I still peruse my blog rolls, but I'm not faithful about it like I was before. There is no blame here. Just stating it is what it is. 

I have been feeling the weight gain lately. As the year is closing to an end I am reminiscing a lot about this year. About how awesome I felt this summer, and let's be honest here - wallowing a bit. 

I don't regret my choice to give up dieting and be an intuitive eater, but at the same time, I do. I've gained 12.5lbs. I regret that. But I guess in the long scheme of things, 12.5lbs is a small price to pay for peace with food, right? But I guess that's really the root of the problem. I don't know if I have peace with food. I'd say maybe 10% of the time I do. The other 90% I'm outta control. But then some days I have 90% peace. So is it me? Am I just incapable of showing self control? Is it the food? Is it just so powerful? Is it the plan, does it just not work? Is it really a bunch of crap like so many people say?

This has been a very up and down kind of week. One moment I'm feeling like I just can't do it, like I should just give myself a few rules to follow and that it's not bad that I want to lose weight. And other times I have felt and depressed about my weight, like when I went shopping for clothes the other night. And other times I felt hopeful. I wrote the first part of this post, then I went to Young Womens tonight (a youth group for the young women in my church) and had a great lesson on faith from the Bishop. So maybe I just need to give this more time. Maybe I need to give myself some time. Maybe I need to really dig my feet in and actually try harder! Maybe I need to trust the promptings of the Spirit that lead me to this in the first place. 

I'm at a crossroads, I'm tired of swinging so wildly from one end of the spectrum to the other! I'm tired at being in battle with my emotions and my body. I'm tired of being tired. I just want peace. I just want freedom. I just want to let go and trust.