Friday, December 10, 2010

Changing the Game and Farewell

For anyone that has read my blog or known me for five seconds will know - I LOVE change! I love changing the plan, changing my goals, changing me, changing my life, changing where I live, what I do, how I do it, everything! I'm not really sure why this is the case. If it's because I I thrive on the excitement and thrill and unknown that change bring - or if it's because I'm running from something. If I'm honest, I'd say it's probably a little bit of both! 

Of all the goals I set for 2010, I've achieved exactly 2 of them. One was to blog this year about my weight loss. Check! And two, was to run a 10K in Moab with my friend Liana! Check! Last weekend we journeyed down to Moab to run this race. Mike, Liana, myself, and my friend Emery all ran it. I knew Mike and Liana were both going to try for a good time - which I was in 100% support of! I was a little nervous about running that far by myself, but... I figured it would be okay. I had posted about registering for it a couple of months ago, and my friend Emery said she would love to do it too! So you can imagine my surprise and delight when I also found out she planned to stay WITH me the entire time! Em is fit as a whistle and could have run this race in nothing flat, so I was really honored that she chose to stay with me and finish at the very end! She was so awesome, we just chatted and caught up since we haven't seen each other in forever! She offered kind encouragement and I was really grateful to have her with me!

From Left to right: Liana, Sam, Mike. And in front: Stan and Emery. Us before the race!

I was pretty nervous but before I really had time to even think about it, the race had started and we were off. Let's be clear - if it had been this summer, I know that I could have run just about the whole thing! I was ready then. I was NOT ready now! It was tough! The first 3 miles we walked/jogged the entire thing. Not terrible really, but not my best either! We walked pretty much all of mile 3-4. When we got to 4 I told Em, okay, we are going to jog nice and slow the entire mile, and we did! That felt really good - to know that I could still do that! We also jogged most of 5-6.2. Toward the end I started getting a charlie horse in my calve, so that sucked! It hurt a lot, but I kept going. When we got back to the school where the finish line is, you have to do one last lap around the track - that was probably the hardest part. Because you know you are SO close to the finish line and yet... you still have to keep going. And now my calve was REALLY hurting and tightening up! With 200 yards to go I started crying. Crying because I was about to finish. Crying because I accomplished something I never thought I could. And crying because it hurt so bad! But I did it!! I was 6th to the last person that finished the race (hahahahahahaha) but I DID it! And that is what mattered to me! We are going to make this a tradition. And my goal for next year is to jog the entire thing. 

I don't know if you read the last post I just posted, but that was actually written about a week ago - I just forgot to actually post it. I've done a LOT of thinking since I wrote it. And I've made some decisions. 

Today I was playing with Willow while sitting here reading through some blogs. Right at the beginning of the year I posted about a weekend that we spent entirely training her. It was tough and painful for all involved! She is SUCH a strong willed dog and does NOT like to give up her control to us. But really - who does like to give up their control? Anyway... we had her trained really well. She would sit, lay down, stay, come, and drop her toy in your hand all at our command. Okay - let's be honest here - all at MIKE"S command! Haha! I never really have been able to get her to 100% listen to me. I'm too much of a push over - and she knows it. Anyway, the point was, she had made a HUGE amount of progress! But then... we took her to some family parties. And unfortunately all the kids running around telling her to sit-sit-sit-sit-sit and drop-drop-drop-drop over and over and over and over again taught her that what those words really mean are - run away!

So now when you say drop, she'll run a couple feet away and then drop it. Or she'll bring it to you but then jerk away at the last second. It's MADDENING! Well today I have the day off, whew! I am going to clean and finally get the rest of Christmas up. But as I was sitting here she kept playing this game that she does, and I decided - I wasn't having it. So I'm going back to making her put it in my hand. She gets so frustrated! She drops it right at my feet, where I will usually pick it up. She even put it up by the key board a couple of times. But no. I want it right in my hand. She finally did it a couple of times. But then she realizes she is giving her control up to me, so she gets frustrated and just takes it to chew on it for a while - but she always comes back. At one point she was just staring at me like "You're changing the game - and I don't like it!". 

It donned on me that is exactly what has happened to me this year! Each time I got into a comfortable place with my weight loss and what I was doing - the game changed. I know 100% that those changes were all meant to be and that I was doing as the Lord asked. So I'm not trying to say that it was a bad thing it changed, just that it did. This year turned out to be nothing like I thought it would. I thought I would lose some weight. I hoped for 100lbs, but would have been thrilled with 50. That's it - that's really where my expectations stopped. And even though in the end here I lost 45, but have gained back 15, the point is - I still lost 30lbs. But what I have gained in spiritual growth, personal growth, and confidence are SO much more important and precious to me. 

I think the Lord has been trying to teach me obedience this year. Each time I made an effort to do as I was asked, the game changed slightly. And for a while I would throw my efforts at His feet, but it wasn't enough - and I knew it. We always know when we are not doing our best. 

As this year draws to a close I am grateful. I am grateful for the love I feel from my Heavenly Father that I did not recognize this time last year. I am grateful for a temple recommend that I did not have at this time last year. I am grateful for new friends that I did not have at this time last year. I am grateful that I am 30lbs lighter then I was at this time last year. I am ever so grateful for the peace and confidence that I have now, that I most definitely did not have last year. I know myself better, and know more of what I want. And I think I finally know how to get it. 

I'm giving up. 

I'm giving up my desire to control everything that happens. I'm giving up my burning desire to lose weight and to control everything that has to do with my weight. I'm giving up focusing my life on losing weight. Why focus a short life on losing - when there is SO much more out there to focus on! I'm not only giving up on deiting as I've stated, I'm giving up on the whole institution. 

Instead, I'm embracing myself for who I am NOW. I am loving myself for who I am NOW. And I am thanking God for all that I have in my life NOW! I'm not going to waste any more of the little time I get here on my weight. I'm done! 

Does this mean I'm going to stop exercising? No. Does this mean I'm going to stop trying to listen to my body? No. I just means I'm done obsessing over it. It's time for me to focus on other things in my life. I think that if I gave as much attention to other things in life that I give to losing weight - I could accomplish ANYTHING I WANT! I truly believe that, and that's exactly what I'm going to do. 

I know that I would not be in a position to even say any of that, without this year that I've had to focus on my body. And for that I will FOREVER be thankful! I have learned so much about what I am really capable of, and what others are capable of. I've lived life to the fullest, and I'm ready to continue doing so to an even higher level! 

Next year will of course be filled with goals - as that's my thing. But they will not be the same goals I've always had and for that I am truly excited! I'm ready for what comes next! 

With all this thought on change, I've been considering my blog a lot as well. I kind of feel (and you probably do to) that it is coming to an end. I've decided to go silent. I am going to continue blogging, but it will be a private blog. I will not be giving anyone access and will be turning it into even more of journal then it already is. With the goals I have in mind for next year, I know that I am going to have a lot to put on paper. And those are not always going to be thoughts that I can share with others. While the thought saddens me to some degrees, it also is very liberating as well! I plan to keep my blog rolls as they are so that I can still read all of the blogs I have come to love so much! 

I'll blog a couple more times through December, and then come January 1, I'll be say adieu.



Anonymous said...

I wish you nothing but the absolute best, Sam! I hope 2011 brings you much joy and happiness! *Hugs*

Kari said...

Oh wow! I totally know where you are coming from, and it sounds like you are making a wise choice.. if you live a healthy lifestyle that is balanced, then whatever your weight is is a good place!

I'll miss you online, because you had such a great blog, but totally understand your need to 'go undercover'.

Miss you my friend!


Shan said...

I understand where you are, and what you mean. I'm doing a similar thing here...I'm not quitting my blog, but I'm also not divulging what I'm doing either. I'm also tired of always worrying about my weight. A happy medium is what is needed.

I'm sure next year will be a wonderful time. Enjoy!

Lisa said...

Good luck to you!

Happy Fun Pants said...

Sam - You've helped so many people with your blogging! I'm so thankful that I found it.

I wish you nothing but the best no matter what you choose to do - should you decide to come back, I'll be here - waiting to read what you write! :)


HCGpower said...

Good luck on all you choose to do. I want you to know that you are the one who inspired me to reach for a 10K. I so wanted to come an try doing the Moab run but alas a work training got in my way so I ran alone on a treadmill but I still did it and thats a good feeling. So Thank you for your push to do something I have never done myself.

julielopez3 said...

Good Luck Sam!
I enjoyed getting to know you at WW and have enjoyed reading your blog. But I totally understand where your coming from about making your blog private. I have often thought that same feeling like I wanted to blog my feelings but don't want everyone reading it. So didn't blog.
I wish you the best!

fatgirlwearingthin said...

Oh, Sam! This is so bittersweet. I'm thrilled for you in that you are taking on new challenges, but I almost teared up a bit thinking that your blog won't be here in a few weeks. You've been so inspiring and I wish you the best of luck. Will be watching out closely for the last few posts so that I can give you a proper goodbye.

Tara Kieninger said...

Sam, I could so identify with your post. I too am at the point where I'm debating on continuing my blog. It can become such a time commitment and perhaps I could better use the time to work on the things I want to change about me. I personally think that I spend so much time focusing on my weight loss journey that it's draining. There are certainly more things in life. I am really going to miss your posts. You have really inspired me. I wish you all the best.

Quay said...

The best of luck! Just so you know....that is exactly what I did, I learned to love me for who I was and let it all go. Then one day, I was ready to be a new me, and quit obsessing! That's how I lost 85 lbs to date!! You can do this! My husband told me once... "You will never be perfect here in this life, all you can do is your best" SO here I am ... my best to date!! hehe
Big Hugs to you Sam... Keep in touch!

Anonymous said...

Hi Sam! I stalk you in the shadows:) I have enjoyed reading about your journey and will miss it! I miss you!!!! We'll have to chat soon:)
Love the new look of your blog and congrats on the 10K!!! You deserve all the best!

Joy said...

My friend,

This is bittersweet! I know we all have to do what we have to do. I support your decision. I am here for you anytime. Please keep in touch!!!

I really love you my friend and pray for the best for you and your family.

Keep focused on your new journey!

Angie Kennedy Juda said...

I wish you the best of luck in everything. Have a Merry Christmas!!