Friday, December 31, 2010

You Knew... Didn't You?

You knew that I couldn't do it - that I can't give up blogging. I have another blog that I am going to use as the journal I mentioned. That way I can continue blogging here publicly. I don't know what it will look like. It will still be about weight at times, but I'm hoping it will be about more than that too. More of a life blog then a weight-loss blog. So, stay tuned. :D

2010 was such a beautiful year! I grew, I learned, I fell down - a lot, but I got back up a lot too! I played, I hiked, I rode my bike, I camped, I ran, I came closer to the Lord, and I did things I never thought I would be able to do (like a 11.4 mile hike)! I proved to myself that I can do hard things. That I am a person of worth, and I deserve goodness in my life!

Among some the new things I tried was Intuitive Eating. This was a wonderful experience for me. It was liberating to eat with no restrictions. To love myself appropriately with food. I know that sounds wierd, especially from someone who "should" be learning to love herself without food. But hear me out.

I have been reading this book called Secrets. It is about a community that is slowing finding out that they are riddled with abuse. Sexual, verbal, emotional, and physical abuse. As I've been reading it, I've thought about my own life. I have been so blessed, and so sheltered! However, as I thought about it, I realized I have been receiving verbal and emotional abuse for many years. I'd say it probably started when I was in 5th or 6th grade. I don't think this person ever meant to intentionally hurt me. I think they were probably reacting to situations and circumstances that they themselves didn't understand, and took it out on me. They were scared, fearful, had little understanding of their own divine nature, and were prone to insecurities. I was an easy target - I was there. I was young, susceptible, and very trusting. As I grew older, I should have seen, should have realized what was going on and done something about it - but I didn't. It's like the frog. I was slowly boiled. The person I am talking about, the person who has belittled me publicly and privately, who has used mean - cruel - hurtful names, who has un-righteously judged and criticized my every move... was me.

The truth is I have been abusing myself for many years emotionally, verbally, and yes physically. When I have shoved more food in my mouth than was ever meant to be eaten - to punish myself for this or that. That is abuse. Or when I've checked out mentally and then physically abused my body by eating ungodly amounts of food. I've forced myself to wear clothing that were to tight sometimes - because I deserved it. I deserved to have people stare. I deserved to be uncomfortable. After all, I put myself there, right? I'd made those decisions and I deserved the consequences. Right? Wrong!

I have learned this year, that even though I have made mistakes, and I do have to live up to the consequences of my decisions, I do not deserve to be hurt. I do not deserve this abuse. And I don't have to take it any more. That is what Intuitive Eating was for me - freedom. Freedom to eat what I wanted, when I wanted - and NOT to have to beat myself up about it afterward! I've learned that it's okay to love myself. It's okay to have weaknesses and not to hate them. It's okay to eat. So I learned that I can eat and love myself. That is what Intuitive Eating has taught me.

In my last post, I vehemently discarded dieting - I was done. I think that was another step I needed to take in shedding this painful abuse. Diets have always told me who I am, what to do, and how to do it. Another form of abuse is some ways. I needed to shed that and be allowed to do it my way. To think my way and do what I wanted - without the guilt. I'm still learning to let go of that guilt, but I am well on my way!

As Mike and I have discussed our plans for 2011 and what we want to accomplish, I knew that I would continue my goal to lose weight. But it's so different then it was last December. Last December I was desperate. I was lost. I felt alone, hungry, and defeated. This year? I feel enlightened. I feel free. I feel safe and loved! I feel a sense of who I am and where I am going and that it is, in fact, me that is directing this path with the Lord on one side and Mike on the other.

As I consider what it is I want in my life, I realize I already have so much! There really is only one thing missing that tugs at my heart every day. Children. This has been really hard for me lately. I've been really weepy about it and having some pity parties to be honest. It's been making my daily tasks so hard, and has been draining my energy. But as I write this, and as I admit the abuse that's been going on, and as I see things for what they really are, I see that there is purpose in all of this. There is purpose in me not having had children yet. There is purpose in the years of pain that I have experienced, and there is purpose in my journey to be rid of all the abuse, hurt, fear, loneliness, hate, etc. I know the Lord sees me, and is preparing me for whatever it is that he has in store for me. And I need to do my part.

That includes losing weight. For whatever reason, my woman parts just don't seem to work when I am over weight. So I do need to lose weight. But... like I said before - that "need" is coming from such a different place this year. But this year will not be just about weight loss. There are other things - big things - that Mike and I will be focusing on together. I'm actually really excited, it's going to be a HARD but awesome and empowering year!

Some of the things we will be working on will be paying off a rather large credit card, getting Mike back into school full time, going on a real vacation (and paying for it all with cash), LOTs of yard work, I'm working on my Personal Progress as a leader, Mike is planning to participate in several sprint triathlons - and maybe an olympic or two. I am going to train for a 1/2 marathon - and possibly a sprint or mini sprint triathlon, and we both would like to lose some weight. I am thinking 50lbs for myself. That is losing less then 5lbs a month. Very realistic, and very maintainable.

I haven't set them all down on paper yet, or the plan, but I will share once I do. The other big goal I have for this year - and it will be REALLY challenging for me, but I think it's important. That is to not change my goals once they are set. This year was about change. It really was, so I do not feel bad that my goals and mind changed as often as they did. But these goals for 2011 are very specific, and I'll probably want to change them, because they will be hard. But... I am not going to. Hold me to that, okay?! :)

I'm excited to stay. I'm excited to move forward in our lives. I'm hoping to get Mike a little more involved in my blog - to make it our blog. He doesn't know it yet, but I'm going to ask him to do some posting too! Good things to come!

Be honest with yourselves in all that you do! Sometimes admitting things, like self abuse, is really painful. But in the end, very freeing!



amy said...

I'm glad you're going to blog publicly still. I love hearing what's going on in your life, struggles, successes and all. Good luck with your goals and Happy New Year!

Tricia said...

I can relate to so much of this. Good luck in 2011!

fatgirlwearingthin said...

I'm so glad that you decided to stay, Sam. Blogging can be so healing on so many levels; and it can be there for you when you need it. The upcoming year will be a big one for you, I have a feeling. Stay true, keep focused and welcome back :)

Anonymous said...

YIPPEE!!!! I'm excited to see you're going to continue! I love reading up on you and miss you terribly!!! You know you'll be stamping with us in SLC this summer, right? You may even get to meet my family as I think we are going to drive down again!!! Huge hugs!!!

Angie Kennedy Juda said...

I'm so glad you're back!!! I've missed you!
Happy New Year :)

ladyofthehouse said...

I can totally relate to what you wrote about abusing yourself with words, foods, etc.. Since changing to a health life I've continually reminded myself that I have choices to make and ask God to give me the wisdom and strength to make those choices good ones.
Wishing you much success with your goals for 2011!!
diane :)

Sarah said...

Whew...glad you didn't really call it quits. I didn't want to admit it out loud, but I know you so much better now than ever before - specifically because of this blog. I know, that's sad since we are family and went to school together, but your blog is very personal and I would have truly missed knowing things about your life. I always kept you in my prayers before, but now I know more of the detailed things that I can pray about with and for you.

Love the post - but love you more!

Happy New Year!