Friday, December 10, 2010

Feeling lost

Honestly it kind of saddens me to write this post. But... I have to be who I am. And hiding it from the world or myself doesn't do any good. Lately, when it comes to my body and eating, I feel a little lost. 

Since I have wandered walked directly into the Intuitive Eating realm, I've lost touch with a lot of my blogging friends. This make me sad. I understand my blog doesn't do it for them anymore, and frankly, some of the blogs I was reading don't do it for me either. We just kind of went in separate directions. I still peruse my blog rolls, but I'm not faithful about it like I was before. There is no blame here. Just stating it is what it is. 

I have been feeling the weight gain lately. As the year is closing to an end I am reminiscing a lot about this year. About how awesome I felt this summer, and let's be honest here - wallowing a bit. 

I don't regret my choice to give up dieting and be an intuitive eater, but at the same time, I do. I've gained 12.5lbs. I regret that. But I guess in the long scheme of things, 12.5lbs is a small price to pay for peace with food, right? But I guess that's really the root of the problem. I don't know if I have peace with food. I'd say maybe 10% of the time I do. The other 90% I'm outta control. But then some days I have 90% peace. So is it me? Am I just incapable of showing self control? Is it the food? Is it just so powerful? Is it the plan, does it just not work? Is it really a bunch of crap like so many people say?

This has been a very up and down kind of week. One moment I'm feeling like I just can't do it, like I should just give myself a few rules to follow and that it's not bad that I want to lose weight. And other times I have felt and depressed about my weight, like when I went shopping for clothes the other night. And other times I felt hopeful. I wrote the first part of this post, then I went to Young Womens tonight (a youth group for the young women in my church) and had a great lesson on faith from the Bishop. So maybe I just need to give this more time. Maybe I need to give myself some time. Maybe I need to really dig my feet in and actually try harder! Maybe I need to trust the promptings of the Spirit that lead me to this in the first place. 

I'm at a crossroads, I'm tired of swinging so wildly from one end of the spectrum to the other! I'm tired at being in battle with my emotions and my body. I'm tired of being tired. I just want peace. I just want freedom. I just want to let go and trust.

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1 comment:

Dandelion Design said...

I understand the swing and the exhaustion that it brings. I go through the same thing emotionally. If I could pick one good mood week and live in it, i would probably loose 100 lbs. But, unfortunately, that is not who I am. I am proud of you that you are recognizing that you have to be who you are where you are to be truly at peace. I hope that you find the peace you are looking for. I hope you can learn to love the beautiful woman that I love (inside and out). I will miss your blogs...we will have to start talking regularly.