I've talked a lot about my endurance as a jogger lately and how I am starting to be able to go further distances. Tonight I ran sprints and again, went further then I would have been able to do before!! This was exciting to me and exhilarating! But that is actually not the kind of endurance I'm talking about, when I say that it's building.
I'm talking about my mental endurance. Two things in the last two days set me off emotionally. Nothing huge, but just enough to push me over the edge and make me want to go to my go-to drug - FOOD! The first one was last night right before I went to the grocery store - uhhh... can we say "problem"!!! (It actually turns out that the thing I was upset about yesterday will be a good thing - so, that's good at least!) And to boot, Mike is at scout camp. So going to the store I could have bought all sorts of crap and no one would of known (except for the fact I most likely would have blogged about it! Ha!). I instantly started going through all my past favorites of total junk food that I could have. Totino's pizza with extra olives, pepperoni, and tons of cheese with a tall glass of milk. Or Velveeta mac and cheese with the store made garlic bread.... mmmm... buttery goodness! Or a bag of Frito's and nacho cheese... or a huge piece of cake (with lots of white frosting and sprinkles! Love those sprinkles!) and my haggan das caramel cone ice cream! Or.... anyway... you get the point. Sorry if I made you drool or gag as the case my be. :D Needless to say it was a challenge and it really did test the skills I've been learning and practicing. But I did it! Each time I would walk by something and want to get it, I'd look at it and say "I can do without it" or "Maybe next time" - knowing full well I don't plan for there to be a next time. I made it through without buying anything just awful for me. I did buy one small bag (the $0.99 bags) of potato chips. I like to dip them in cottage cheese, and that was my treat for myself. I felt really good about my accomplishment in not allowing my emotions to run away with me!
Tonight... yeah, that didn't go as well. Something else set me off this afternoon, and I went straight for the fridge. And I binged like there was no tomorrow. And the whole time I kept asking myself... "Why are you doing this?" I knew exactly what set me off, exactly why I was upset... but for some reason I couldn't stop. That's not true. I could have. I chose not to. I accept responsibility for my actions in the fact that I made a conscious choice not to stop eating.
So in the past, something like this would have sent me into a tail spin for a few days, possibly weeks. I'd struggle and struggle to get a handle on things again and would have to "start over". Not today though! I've set my life up and my schedule up that I don't have time to do that. I have too many positive activities for my health going on to give me time to do that. And I want to continue being strong and to continue on this path. So while I did make a conscious choice to eat that food, I also made a conscious choice not to let it derail me from what I want most. So after taking a nap (*side note - eating like that effects my body so much more than it use to. I would eat like that all the time and it was just the norm. Now, each time I do it, it seems to put me into an instant comatose state and I have to take a nap. I think that's a pretty big indicator that my body likes the healthy food much better and it's better fuel to keep me going! Hmmm, who woulda thought that? :D*), I got up and went to my Addiction Recovery Meeting. It was a great meeting and I walked away feeling like I am already ready to be back on track. I came home changed, grabbed Willow, and we went for a quick run. We did sprints and it was a tough and sweaty workout! I feel great! I'm going to track ALL the food I ate, and tomorrow, I'm going to move on.
What's that saying, you only failed if you quit trying. Well, I guess if that's the case, I didn't fail, I just hit a bump in the road and learned something along the way. The next time that happens, I'm going to head for a door alright, it will just be the front door, instead of the refrigerator door! :)
What did you learn from life's lessons today?