Tuesday, June 29, 2010

My Endurance Is Building

I've talked a lot about my endurance as a jogger lately and how I am starting to be able to go further distances. Tonight I ran sprints and again, went further then I would have been able to do before!! This was exciting to me and exhilarating! But that is actually not the kind of endurance I'm talking about, when I say that it's building.

I'm talking about my mental endurance. Two things in the last two days set me off emotionally. Nothing huge, but just enough to push me over the edge and make me want to go to my go-to drug - FOOD! The first one was last night right before I went to the grocery store - uhhh... can we say "problem"!!! (It actually turns out that the thing I was upset about yesterday will be a good thing - so, that's good at least!) And to boot, Mike is at scout camp. So going to the store I could have bought all sorts of crap and no one would of known (except for the fact I most likely would have blogged about it! Ha!). I instantly started going through all my past favorites of total junk food that I could have. Totino's pizza with extra olives, pepperoni, and tons of cheese with a tall glass of milk. Or Velveeta mac and cheese with the store made garlic bread.... mmmm... buttery goodness! Or a bag of Frito's and nacho cheese... or a huge piece of cake (with lots of white frosting and sprinkles! Love those sprinkles!) and my haggan das caramel cone ice cream! Or.... anyway... you get the point. Sorry if I made you drool or gag as the case my be. :D Needless to say it was a challenge and it really did test the skills I've been learning and practicing. But I did it! Each time I would walk by something and want to get it, I'd look at it and say "I can do without it" or "Maybe next time" - knowing full well I don't plan for there to be a next time. I made it through without buying anything just awful for me. I did buy one small bag (the $0.99 bags) of potato chips. I like to dip them in cottage cheese, and that was my treat for myself. I felt really good about my accomplishment in not allowing my emotions to run away with me! 

Tonight... yeah, that didn't go as well. Something else set me off this afternoon, and I went straight for the fridge. And I binged like there was no tomorrow. And the whole time I kept asking myself... "Why are you doing this?" I knew exactly what set me off, exactly why I was upset... but for some reason I couldn't stop. That's not true. I could have. I chose not to. I accept responsibility for my actions in the fact that I made a conscious choice not to stop eating. 

So in the past, something like this would have sent me into a tail spin for a few days, possibly weeks. I'd struggle and struggle to get a handle on things again and would have to "start over". Not today though! I've set my life up and my schedule up that I don't have time to do that. I have too many positive activities for my health going on to give me time to do that. And I want to continue being strong and to continue on this path. So while I did make a conscious choice to eat that food, I also made a conscious choice not to let it derail me from what I want most. So after taking a nap (*side note - eating like that effects my body so much more than it use to. I would eat like that all the time and it was just the norm. Now, each time I do it, it seems to put me into an instant comatose state and I have to take a nap. I think that's a pretty big indicator that my body likes the healthy food much better and it's better fuel to keep me going! Hmmm, who woulda thought that? :D*), I got up and went to my Addiction Recovery Meeting. It was a great meeting and I walked away feeling like I am already ready to be back on track. I came home changed, grabbed Willow, and we went for a quick run. We did sprints and it was a tough and sweaty workout! I feel great! I'm going to track ALL the food I ate, and tomorrow, I'm going to move on. 

What's that saying, you only failed if you quit trying. Well, I guess if that's the case, I didn't fail, I just hit a bump in the road and learned something along the way. The next time that happens, I'm going to head for a door alright, it will just be the front door, instead of the refrigerator door! :)

What did you learn from life's lessons today?


Monday, June 28, 2010

Outdoor Adventure 9 for 2010 - My First 5K

I did it, I can't believe it!! On Saturday I ran in my very first 5K! Okay, maybe not ran - but I jogged! I woke up at 5:30 to get ready. I was going to wear a hat, but I look like a boy with it because of my short hair. :D So I got ready, and left the house by 6:10 to pick Liana up. I was so nervous (why, I don't really know!) that I didn't know what to eat. I knew I needed something, but didn't want it to be heavy. Mike suggested a banana and peanut butter, so I just grabbed them and went on my way. When I got to Liana's, she said to just eat the banana, which I think was good advise. While she got finished getting ready, I rolled out my IT Band. I'll put pictures up of what that means. It KILLS!!!! Seriously, it's like legalized torture! Anyway, she finished and we were off!

We had about 45 minutes before the race started, so we did some stretching, hit the bathrooms one more time, and then just stood around a while. Around 7:25 we lined up at the start line. I was looking around and noticed a lot of moms with their little kids getting ready to run together. Both Ana and I have struggled in getting pregnant, so we understand how difficult that is together. Anyway, I turned to her to tell her something and got totally choked up. I wanted to make a pack with her that someday we will do these kinds of things with our children. This brought up alot of different emotions. Sadness that we haven't been able to have kids, but joy that we are on an awesome path to being healthier. In some ways, I'm almost grateful that I haven't had children yet. I think about the life I've lived up to now, and it's not really one that I would want my children to live. Unhealthy eating, self medicating with food, self sabotaging, and extreme laziness. I'm DELIGHTED that I will be able to bring them into a home where we eat healthy foods, we acknowledge food for what it is - nutrition, and where we are very active and have a ton of fun!!

Get ready, get set, go! We were off! Liana was trying to beat her last time, so she took off and I cheered her on. I set off at a slow but steady pace, and held it for what I felt was an applaudable amount of time (not really sure how long, but MUCH longer than I have ever run before). There was a girl in front of me plugging along and I did my best to pace myself to her. Eventually, I had to stop and walk though. I followed her for probably the first 1/4 of the race. Then then next quarter I did on my own. Then I had a nice surprise. The girl in the black in that middle picture below came up beside me. She told me she had been pacing behind me. I was really flattered that I could pace someone. Her name is Heidi and this was her 2nd time doing this race. We stayed together the rest of the time. She was having a little trouble with her breathing, and she was kind and let me coach her a little. That was helpful because it took my thoughts off of myself. We talked all about weight loss, eating plans, blogs (I think I talked her into doing one!), and life. It was great! Plus it made me feel good knowing I had helped someone and made a friend. We got to the end and sprinted the last 50 feet! Heidi did awesome and I was really excited for her (and myself of course!)! I was really thrilled about the fact that there was never a point where I thought "I can't do this" or "Am I almost done?". I was comfortable and just kept going!

After I came off the finish line, Liana made me walk around to cool down. Then we found some shade to sit and stretch. That felt SOOO good to do!! Both the lay down part and stretching! She was so supportive and helpful through the whole thing! I just love this girl. We've been friends for 22 years, and yet I feel like this year we've really been able to strengthen and enrich our friendship. I've learned a lot about how strong she is and what a great leader she is. Thanks Liana!!! I hope I give her the same support and love!

For these pages I decided to go with the Independence Day theme. Yes, the fact that the 4th of July is around the corner is convenient, but that's not why I chose them. I chose them because it was a day of independence for ME! It was the one of what I hope will be many times when I do something healthy, and real, and hard, and challenging for myself. It was a day that I didn't allow my insecurities and inhibitions stop me from trying. I did my best, and I succeeded! When you become fat, it's like your enslaved. Your enslaved to food, to the emotions tied around them, to the ugly clothes that you buy - not because you like them - but because their the only ones that fit. You are enslaved to the fat on your body and you let it restrict you. And most of all you are enslaved by awful thoughts. Thouthts of hate and self loathing, pain on so many levels that it's hard to describe. It's like each one of these different things are a chain. And those chains are ensalving and dibilitating. On Saturday I broke free from some of those chains! I felt free, I felt light, I felt healthy, I felt whole. I walked away from that race liking who I was and how I looked - sweat and all! And that my friends, was worth EVERY step!!! This could get addicting!

Sunday, June 27, 2010

Outdoor Adventure 6, 7, and 8 for 2010

I've been so busy, I've gotten behind on my adventures! So here are three from the past couple of weeks!

Adventure 6

Adventure 7

Adventure 8


Thursday, June 24, 2010

So What?!

I weighed in tonight, and I gained 1lb. So what? I didn't have a very good eating week, but I did work out really hard. I feel good about the week I had and about my accomplishments. I can tell a difference in my clothes, so I'm saying so what! I had other wins that mattered more than the scale this week. Isn't it so easy to get discouraged and to compare ourselves to others? Or to get proud and compare ourselves to others. "She looses faster than me, I suck, I should just give up now" or "I"m losing weight so much faster than she is, wow, she must really struggle - I on the other hand - ROCK!". Again, I say, so what! So what if others lose faster than me. While I'm glad for their success, and love to celebrate with them, I don't need to focus on it. I need to focus on my own habits, thoughts, and actions. And on the other hand, so what if I lose faster than someone else. It just means that our bodies are different and we lose weight at different speeds. As long as we both stay on our chosen plan, then that is all that truly matters. As you can probably tell, I'm kind of having a so what night! :D 

Tonight at WW there is this woman, Evon (I'm not sure how to spell it) that hit her lifetime goal and has lost 98.6lbs. She is going to go for the last 1.4lb still, but regardless it was awe inspiring. I totally shed some tears as she was up there, because it gave me such hope that if I stay committed, and I keep going, even if I lose slowly, I too will stand up front one day. And Kris (my leader) will hand me that silly gold key that means so much. She'll tell me that I've learned the skills necessary to live the lifestyle I want to live. That I know them in my heart and in my mind. I'm hoping to do an interview with Evon and will post that with some pictures soon. Congrats friend!!

I think that's why I'm feeling so "so what" tonight. Because I think that I've been feeling judged, when really, it's myself that's doing the judging. Sure comments come from here or there that I allow to get to me, but... really it comes down to me, and how I view myself. When I'm committed and stalwart, I view myself as strong and healthy. When I'm not , I view myself as... weak and powerless. And I guess I've been feeling that way a little lately and projecting it on others.

Can I just tell you, I'm so sick of that feeling!! I'm so sick of feeling like I don't have power over my life. I totally do!!! And that punk called Satan, wants me to think otherwise. He doesn't want me to know how truly powerful I am. He doesn't want me to know that I can have all my dreams come true! He doesn't want me to move forward, to let go of this silly addiction to food, and to love myself. He is just miserable, and he wants to drag me down to his level. Well... tonight, if I were the swearing type, I probably would at him. But, I'm not, so I won't. :) But I will say this - he can't have me. I'm spoken for by our good Lord. I may not be his most loyal and faithful servant, but I am going to do as much as I can to become one. And I know what he thinks of me, I know he appreciates my efforts, and for now, that is enough. I will keep trying, I will keep fighting, and I will NOT give up!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I may have gained this week, but the year ain't over yet!! I'm going to make this next week count, mark my words. Come on guys & girls, let's show all the food, and the critics, - let's show them what we're really made of!!!!


Wednesday, June 23, 2010

Feeling Better

Thanks for all the ideas and kind words. I’m feeling better! Tough decision behind me, finished something I was dreading, and got my kitchen almost clean! Haha, I’ll finish the kitchen tonight and start on the laundry (don’t you just hate laundry!). So, some of the emotional pressure has been released. I took your advice and played some good music all day, did some deep breathing, got in some activity, and went to a luau for Relief Society (for those not of my faith, that is what we call the women in our church collectively) last night. Spent some time with a good friend, and made some new friends.

And last but not least, I recommitted myself. I went grocery shopping and got some really tasty healthy meals that I will want to make. I find that when there is fresh yummy food, in my cleaned out fridge and kitchen, I do much better! Duh!! Doesn’t that make sense!! Haha, sometimes I’m a slow learner. If you are lucky enough to have a Harmon’s around you, go!! They have their berries on sale, 5 containers for $10. And they are gorgeous! You can get raspberries, strawberries, blueberries, and blackberries. YUM!!! (It might end today, so you need to hurry!!)

Part of the recommitting myself is in actually tracking what I’m eating, and why I’m eating it. I have not been very good about doing that for the last month or so. I track in my head and still count points. But we all know that when you do that, things slip through. So, I got out my little tracker this morning and I plan to have it out all day!

The other thing I am recommitting myself to is daily prayer on my knees. This will be challenging, as my knees have been hurting and so tight lately. But, I feel like I will be blessed for the extra time conversing with Heavenly Father. There is a lot going on right now, and I need those blessings. I know that’s pretty personal, but… if I say it out loud (or type it as the case may be), I am more likely to follow through with it. :D

I don’t think I’m going to see a loss tomorrow, but, I’m okay with that. I actually had a really good week exercise wise, and I can feel and see shifts in my body. And that is what really matters. Today is a new day, with no mistakes in it!

So I’m going to make a post of all my favorite songs for you, all the songs I listen to when I need to get pumped up and feel better. I hope to do that this weekend!

Smaller Fun Pants – if you’re reading this, I haven’t forgotten about you! I have been working on some of the things you mentioned, and figuring out how to do some of them. I’ll be in touch really soon! :D

Sorry, this post is all over the place. Thanks for all the support and encouragement everyone offers. I have not had time lately to read all my favorite blogs as often as I want, and that makes me sad. I love being a part of your lives, feeling your strength, and learning from you! I’m hoping to get caught up this weekend. I steal a couple minutes when I can to read, but haven’t had a ton of time to leave comments. Please know that I’m there, supporting you in the wings.

Have a great day everyone!!


Monday, June 21, 2010

Just blah

I've had a couple of just blah days. Yesterday I think I had heat stroke from Saturday. We had some great out door adventures (pics to come) and I think I over did it. So yesterday I just slept, pretty much the whole day. And ate. Why is it when I don't feel good, I automatically revert back to old yucky habits? I just ate and ate and ate. Any bad thing I could find, or healthy thing I could turn into a bad thing... sigh. But... I didn't let it effect me today, mostly. I got back on the horse and ate healthy mostly, until dinner. There's that UNTIL word! :D But after dinner we took a little nap which totally helped and went for a great jog. So overall I would call the day a success.

I have a few heavy things hanging over my head, and I think the stress of it is getting to me. I'm not able to discuss them yet, but promise I will. I think the heaviness of it has been pushing my limits a little. And my house is a big disaster area - and that always throws me off the deep end a bit too. Emotional eating still gets the better of me, but I'm controlling it a lot better than I used to. The last couple of times haven't snowballed into a couple of weeks or months, so that's progress! :)

We went to Heber this weekend with some friends for some play time, it was awesome. We stayed at Ana's parents house. It's a beautiful log cabin home with tons of land surrounding it. They have 7 horses, and quite the arena. The horses were out in the field and her dad was saying how funny it is that they have this gorgeous field, full of fresh, tasty, beautiful grass to eat. But if you went and put out some 2 year old hay, they'd go charging for it. Isn't that so true sometimes! Less and less I'm going for the old hay, but every now and then, it just gets me!

When you're feeling like this - blah - what do you do to pull out of it?


Saturday, June 19, 2010

It's Like Christmas

I can't wait any longer!! I guess for now, I just need the validation of sharing my good news and my big steps. It does make me happy to know that I'm making changes for better in my life, and that I can share that with people I care about. I don't think that's wrong, or bad. I think that eventually, it won't be as prevalent in my life, but for now - it is. And I'm just going to accept that.

SOOO... let me tell you about some of the non-scale victories I had, and the scale victory I had. P.S. (for PRE script :D) - this will probably be a long post. So thanks in advance for reading. And if you get all the way to the end, there is a challenge and invitation!! A reward!! (Ana said people wouldn't read my long post - let's prove her wrong! Leave me lots of comments!! :D Love you Ana!)

Non-Scale Victories
1. My friend Tami from A Battle Worth Winning invited me to go with her this week to an Addiction Recovery Program from the Church of Jesus Christ of Later Day Saints. Actually... I kind of invited myself. But she was gracious enough to take me. This is what I had really wanted to tell you about last week and was my big secret. :D They have classes for all types of addictions, including one for food, and you get to go through the 12 steps of recovery. What I love about it, is that some of the steps have been altered just a bit to be more centered around Christ and our religious beliefs. This is something that I have been craving! I feel like I'm getting a handle on the exercise, on the eating, I've been working on my thinking and thoughts, but I really feel a lack in the spiritual things. Which is sad, because really, those are the most important (at least to me). So when she was telling me about it, I decided I wanted to give it a try. So Tuesday night we went and it was a very humbling and spiritual experience.

They have a missionary couple that runs the meeting and then there were about 10 ladies there from all walks of life. At the beginning of the meeting we read the 12 steps and then a little lesson from step 2. Then it was the sharing time. We went around the room and each person is able to share their thoughts and feelings on pretty much whatever. It was hard because you're not suppose to do what's called Cross Talk, meaning you cannot respond to what they were saying. That was so hard because you just wanted to comfort them and reassure them. But you couldn't, you just had to listen and learn, and if necessary apply what they are saying to your own journey. Anyone that knows me, knows it's hard for me to keep my mouth shut! Not that I don't mind listening! But I also want to express encouragement and love to a person in pain, and I couldn't, so that was hard. As I listened to these amazing women, I learned several things. I learned that I am not alone in the pain I have felt through out my life. I learned that there are some out there with much bigger pain than I even dreamed possible. I realized I have led quite a sheltered life, not that that makes my pain any less real. Just something I realized.

I also discovered just how far I've come in the last 6 months. Some of the things expressed I would think, Yes! I totally know what you mean - that's so painful! But then as I examined my thoughts and feeling further, I realized, I don't really feel that way anymore. For instance, hating my body. I use to, as I've talked about. I use to detest it. I would just get so frustrated that it couldn't obey what my desires in my heart were. That it would betray me at every turn. I hated the way it looked. I hated that it wouldn't allow me to get pregnant. But during the last 6 months, I've learned that it was never my bodies fault, because through my choices, I had taught it to crave those things. I had conditioned it to want the bad food and think it needed them. I've learned that my body is amazing! It can do things like go up mountain sides, go for long walks, and be used for a plethora of other wonderful things. I now look at it as a true gift from God. And I now know that it is trainable. So that's what I'm doing, I'm retraining my body.

The other thing is you get a work book for the 12 steps. You work at your own pace and go through the steps. I'm working on step 1 this weekend, I'll post more about that next week. So overall it was a good experience. I met some new friends that I'm very excited to get to know! As I get more into it, I'm sure you'll be hearing more. If you want information about a group to attend in your own area, you can check it out at,11664,4177-1,00.html.

2. I exercised a lot this week. And not because I thought to myself, I need to exercise more so I can lose weight. But because I truly wanted to! I didn't plan ahead what I would do. Just each day I thought, hmmm... I would really like to exercise today - and today I feel like doing XYZ. I'd pick an exercise, and do it! This is so not how I use to do it, but you know, what I use to do didn't really work for me. So... I changed it. And it's way better for me!

My knee has been hurting. So on Wed Mike asked me not to do anything strenuous on my knee until I had gone to a doctor. So Ana and I went swimming, which was great because I haven't done that in a long time. I'm not a very strong swimmer, but I did pretty well. I did several laps in a row, which for me is really huge. Then I got a foot cramp and it came to a screeching halt! I usually swear when I get them because they hurt soooooo bad - but... there were little scouts around working on their merit badges, so I didn't. I guess that's progress too, right?! Mike said that the cramp meant I was pointing my toes, which is really good for swimming and that ultimately it was a good sign. Mostly I just think it hurt, a LOT! Mike was a competition swimmer in high school and took the gold medal for state three times! So he would know!

The next day I went to see my Chiropractor, who is AWESOME!!! (If your in the area and need a good doctor to see that won't try and put you on some big plan - he just helps you, go see him. His site is If you go in, give them my name, then I can earn a free massage. Come on people... free massage!!! :D But seriously, he is really great!) He told me it's that my IT Band is pulling on my knee. So he did my adjustments, gave me some exercises to do, and is going to have me come back two more times. He also told me to keep exercising. My knee isn't super painful, just enough that it's bothersome. He said I could just work through it and that would be the best thing for it.

So here is my biggest news - that night Mike and I went for a walk. We have this little path (that I think I've mentioned before) that goes around a nearby neighborhood. It's 2 miles from my door back to my door. I usually just walk it once, and will jog in small intervals. Well for the last week or so, I've been wanting to try going around it twice. So we DID!!! WOO HOO!! We walked the first time around (except on this hill at one part, I just needed a different pace, so I jogged up it, felt great!). Then, I asked if we could go again, and even though Mike was in some pain, he agreed. And we decided to do some jogging too. So we took off from the beginning point and jogged. I will always pick a point and jog to that point, then walk. So I picked my point, which was probably about a 30 sec - 1min jog. I got there and thought, I could keep going. I kept doing that almost the entire two miles!! I only walked two times each about 1/4 mile. So I jogged about 1 1/2 miles. Which was simply shocking to me considering I really didn't work up to it a ton. Or maybe I did, and just didn't realize it. Either way, I was SO stoked!! Slower than tar - but I did it!! I know that as I continue to build up my endurance and breathing skills, my speed will come. Mike told me my walking pace and jogging pace are about the same. Haha!! I'm okay with that, because I jogged and I did something hard, and I lived to tell the tale!

Ana has been bugging me to do this 5k with her on the 26th. I was thinking that I couldn't do it yet and that I wasn't ready. But... I think I am ready, and I'm going to do it. It will be my first 5k. I will not be able to jog the entire thing, but I think I can jog a good part of it at least. I'll let you know how it goes - wish me luck!

3. When I started this I wore a size 22 or 24 pants. This week I pulled out two pair of pants both size 18 and wore them! And the fit! One gave a little muffin top, but that is easily hidden behind my shirts - which are all getting too baggy. :D

Scale Victory
At home, in the morning, when I'm naked (don't judge me - you know you do it too!) I weigh 224. I know, I know - it's not about the scale, and I'm not my number. AND I shouldn't weigh on more than one scale, more than once a week. But... that just doesn't work for me. I weigh one time each morning, and this gives me feedback on how I'm doing. I feel like I have a healthy relationship with my scale, so this is okay with me. :) Anyway... 224 - seriously, that's awesome!! When I weighed in I had a 2lb lose bringing my total to 227. lbs. So obviously my scale is a little off, and when you consider I weigh in at night. But still. I'm super excited and plan to have another great loss this week.

You still with me?

Last but not least I wanted to mention goals. I have changed up my goal structure a little. I am still going for 100lbs this year. But I had broken it down to monthly goals, but they weren't happening and I was just getting frustrated. So I changed it a little. My goal is to lose 15lbs by my birthday, July 21. My cousin, Kira, and I were going to go downtown to have a girls weekend. But due to some money factors, we've changed the plan a bit. Here is where you come in.

I'm putting a challenge out there for anyone (ladies only, sorry guys. Actually, I don't know if any men besides Mike and my Dad read my blog) that wants to participate. Set a goal, ANY goal - weight loss or not, to achieve by July 21. If you achieve it (and are local or want to travel) we are all going to go out to dinner to celebrate our success! I haven't picked a restaurant yet, but I want it to be something out of the norm. If you have suggestions, I'd love to hear them! I have Convention for work the week my bday so we have to do it the following weekend, so on the 30th of July we'll go out! So... mark your calendars, set your goal, and post it on here!! Then let's all get busy!! Hope you'll join us, I think it will be a ton of fun!

Friday, June 18, 2010

Awesome Week

Sorry I've been gone all week, it's been a really busy week. Everyone keeps telling me to post... so here I am! And I have lots of fun NSVs to share, but I'm not going to. :) If you don't understand, read a couple of posts down. For now I'll just say, it's been an awesome week. I'll tell you more on that later.

I had a really great topic that I wanted to post on, but... I'm totally drawing a blank. Hold on, I'll think about it... ... ... ... ... ...

Yeah, I just blew up my brain, it's smoking! Guess it's time to go to sleep instead of thinking. :) I'll try again tomorrow. Bye!


Tuesday, June 15, 2010

Winner, Winner!!

And the winner is.... Anne from Smaller Fun Pants!! Congrats Anne! E-mail me your contact info (e-mail or phone, either is fine with me) so we can talk about what you want your blog to look like. I made this little button for you, if you want to post it, you don't have to though. :)Thanks everyone for commenting, I'll do it again!


Monday, June 14, 2010

No Gold Stars For Me

Tonight I went for a walk. Which really was a big deal, because I was SOOOO tired, but I pushed through it and went anyway. I'm so glad I did. I find that when I'm alone I think in blog posts. Do you do that too, or am I the only obsessed one? Although I don't always remember the topics I think of or the thoughts that I have, just thinking things out like that is beneficial and helps me work through thoughts and issues. And sometimes they are things that although I would like to blog about them, I probably never would. So even when I don't actually post it, I still learn.

I had some thoughts tonight that were kind of hard to face. Maybe because in a lot of ways I realized I can be pretty two faced, and that hurts. No on likes to think that they are, but sometimes, I am. Let me explain. One of the thoughts I had today was about why I do what I do. I find myself SO often doing things, big or little, through out my day so that I can specifically tell someone that I did it. Like the walk tonight. Or tracking, or whatever. I want to be able to tell the good things I chose for myself over the week at WW and get a gold star (technically the bravo stars are green, but whatever). I want to be able to post on here and tell you the good things I've done. I like the support, and the pats on the head. They make me feel good and pump me up.

But deep down, I really want to get to the point, where I don't need that validation. That I will do those things because I want it. Because it makes me feel good and like a better person. I think sometimes I get so over focused on what others think of my process, I forget that it's my process. I know that's a lot of me, my, and I. But the truth is that by focusing on what others think of me, I stay focused on me. But I think that when I get to the point that I do those things truly for myself, then they can just be what I do. And it will free up my thoughts, actions, and energies so much more to focus on what others need from me to help them. Don't get me wrong, I think the support and cheerleading from others is important, and probably always will be. I'm just saying that we should be our own biggest cheerleader.

So, here is the deal. I have a big week planned out, with some awesome things in it. But I'm not going to tell you about them. Haha, yes, I know that's really annoying. But this week I want to focus on doing those things, because I know they are good for me to do, and not so I can get a gold star. It's only for a week. There is one thing that I will tell you about, because I think it's going to have a big impact on my journey, but I'm not going to post about it until next week. I know, I'm like one of those jerks that tells you they have a secret, but then won't tell you anything. I'm still going to post, but it will just be my thoughts, not necessarily what I've done this week.

This year is about becoming a better me. And to do that, I do have to focus on... me. Which seems so backwards, because I really want to learn how to focus outward more and on other people. I want to learn to be a better friend, and a good friend. Not because I think someone is watching, but because that's just who I am. I don't want to be two faced. I want people to look at me and see someone that is comfortable with who she is. Someone that sincerely cares about them, and helps them to feel good about themselves when they are with her. I want to be real. So I think this will be the first step on that part of this journey.


Sunday, June 13, 2010

Outdoor Adventure 5 for 2010

A week ago I went hiking with my best friend Liana. This was really outdoor adventure 4, but I got out of order, sorry. I should also explain that I am going for 100 adventures (get it - 100lbs lost, 100 adventures... :D). That is why I'm counting them. Anyway...

Apparently Liana has been trying to get me to do this hike for 3 years, but I guess I never would. It was hard for me, but Liana was a great coach and we made it to the top. It was about 5 miles all told. It was funny, we got to the top and found out that we both had brought the exact same lunch - and not on purpose!! Peanut butter & honey sandwich, carrots, and almonds. I also brought an apple, but she didn't - so I shared! It was an awesome hike and I'm so glad I did it. Enjoy the pics and silly video!

Liana decided I needed a pic of my butt. Thanks Ana!! :)-

Thanks for stopping by, have a great day!!

Saturday, June 12, 2010

Count Thy Blessings, Name Them One-by-one (and a give-away!)

My heart is really full as I post this, my 100th post for my blog. At the beginning of this year, I was down trodden, I was heart broken, I was unhappy with myself and who I had become, and I hated my body. It was a curse, something I had to fight against and fight with. It was my soul against my body, and often - the body won. The appetites and passions won out over doing what was right or good. I was sick of "trying again" and again and again to lose weight. Not having success, gaining it back, you know the game. That is so painful, and it hurts so much!! And oh does Satan love that! He loves to magnify our mistakes, our excuses, our pain, our hurt. And for whatever reason, I let him.

And then, I watched Julie & Julia. I know it seems so trivial, but that is when I decided to do a blog. And as I started planning for that, I started mapping out my goals. I had no idea what would happen. I didn't know if I could achieve my goals, but I knew I couldn't just give up. I had no idea that I would meet so many wonderful people out there. People who were and are hurting, just as I have. People I could connect with, learn from, receive support from, and could be friends with.

What I truly did not expect was the strength that I receive from posting. This has allowed me to put my thoughts and feelings on paper (so to speak) and to really put it all out there. Through this I have learned so much about myself, about why I eat, about why I choose to be weak some times, and just how strong I can be. It has been healing me from the inside, that  which has been the cause of all the overeating, binging, stuffing my feelings, and pain. Sometimes it's easy to compare my speed of weight loss to others and think, if only... If only I had done more, ate less... yada yada yada. However I really and truly feel happy with my success. I've lost just over 30lbs physically. But there is no measuring the amount of the internal baggage that I have lost. And I know that as I continue on this path, that internal weight loss will catch up with my body and then there will be no stopping me.

Last night my best friend, Liana from Vegan Ana, played in her Bell Choir concert on Temple Square. It was fantastic!! If you've never heard a bell choir, you should find one, it's quite the experience. The whole concert was a tribute to the flag, our country, and our freedom. It was AWESOME!! It made me really think about how grateful I am for this country. How unbelievably blessed I am to live here, to have a solid supportive family, spouse, and friends. To have a strong belief in God, a religion that I know to be true, and the spirit of Christ in my life. I am grateful that I know that because of Christ - repentance is a real thing, because I mess up every day, sometimes every hour. And I'm grateful to know that I can receive forgiveness and keep moving forward. That gives me such peace!

I am grateful for a loving and supportive husband! He does so much for me and treats me like a queen. I couldn't do this without him and I give him my heart gladly!

I am grateful for my body. I no longer hate it. I get frustrated with it sometimes, but I don't hate it. I recognize it as a gift from God and that part of my test here on earth is to learn how to control it. To learn how to have more faith, more love, more (dare I say it) patience - in spite of my "natural man" tendencies. I am so grateful that I have a healthy working body. This is such a gift and I don't plan to squander it any more!

I am grateful to be a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Later Day Saints. I try to keep my religious thoughts more to the spiritual side, but I feel that I would be doing myself and my Father in Heaven a real disrespect to not say it. I am so grateful for all that being a member has done in my life. All that it has taught me, and allowed me to do.

I am grateful for my freedom. And to all those men and women that have given their lives so that we can enjoy that freedom. Also to those that are continuing to give their lives, time, and talents for the safety of our country. My cousin is on his 3rd or 4th tour after just re-marrying. That is sacrifice!! Thank you. Thank you to those that serve, and to their families.

I am grateful to my parents, who have given me so much. They raised me in the gospel, they taught me to be independent, and they provided so much for me. Recently I have really learned what it means to have kind loving parents (and to be one) - it makes me think of them and how they have loved me. Even when I didn't really deserve it, they still did. Thank you Mom & Dad - I love you more!!

Oh... for Willow. For her I am so grateful! She keeps me on my toes and lets me cuddle (sometimes). I love her and the joy she has brought to our home.

And last and most of all, I am grateful to my Father in Heaven. For without him, I would not have all of these wonderful things. I thank him for this beautiful earth, for the talents I have been given, for my desire to be better and do better. And for the strength he gives me everyday to keep going!

As this is my 100th post, I am doing a drawing from all the comments left. It will be a random drawing, and there is only one requirement. Leave me a comment and tell me what it is in your life that you are grateful for. Let's count our blessings!! You must leave your comment by the end of Monday, June 14th. The winner will receive a FREE blog makeover. And you can decide if you want me to design it for you, or we can work together to come up with a look that you want and hopefully, will love! Happy commenting!!


Thursday, June 10, 2010

Outdoor Adventure 4 for 2010 and Zero Regrets

Thank you for all the kind and supportive comments from my last post. You brought up a lot of great points. Thank you!

Well, my over eating continued again today and reached it's pinnacle at the golden arches. I'm so ashamed I can't even tell you what I ate, but I know if you had been there, you would have just shook your head. I finally realized I definitely have some stress eating going on. I have a loved one with some big health issues that we are very concerned for. We love her and hope that the doctors can find what they need to, to help her get better! I'm also trying to make a big decision. Sorry for being so vague, but until I make a decision I'm not really ready to talk about it. Once I do, I promise I'll let you know. SOOO... yes, as Smaller Happy Pants commented, there is some emotional eating going on. It was just a latent emotion so I didn't recognize it. It continued today all day in fact. However, I still did some good today too.

I got off early (as I worked a long day yesterday), and came home and cleaned! It feels SOO great to have a clean house. I did the kitchen, living room, bedroom, master bath, and started on the office. I'll finish that and the front yard on Saturday. Mike and I then went on the hike that I shared above. It was beautiful and just what I needed. I did learn a very important lesson on this hike. A few posts ago my friends and I went on this hike and it was no big deal for me. But this time, I was huffin' and a puffin' the whole way up! I know that had to do with my poor eating choices the last three days. I don't want that life anymore. This makes me happy to know that it only took me three days to come to that, and not a month or so like usual. Tomorrow is a new day, and I plan to live it like one!

I got to go to this Get Motivated training yesterday and it was awesome! Of course a lot of it is promotional to get you to purchase their books or trainings. But in between all the sales pitches, there was some fantastic information! One person in particular that I really enjoyed was Apolo Anton Ohno, Olympic speed skater. I'm not really one to get into sports, so I'm not really up on Olympians, but he was fantastic! He spoke about setting goals and doing everything you can do to achieve them.

One thing that really hit me was that he works on living with zero regrets. At the end of each day he asks himself if he did all he could that day to get him to his goal. Then he assesses what he did, how he did, acknowledges his wins, and then recognizes how he could have done better. I think this is what I want to do. I've set this huge goal, and the truth is I haven't done everything I could have to get there up to this point. Now, don't get me wrong, I've done a lot and I'm thrilled with 30lbs lost. But it's not enough, I want more! So for the next week, starting tomorrow, I'm going to really focus on doing everything I can in that day (one day at a time - right?) that will help me achieve my goal. And at the end of the night, I'm going to check in and make sure I have zero regrets for the day. This will be tough, I know that. I'm headed into a weekend, I've got the stresses going on I mentioned, and a lot to do. But I know this, I can do hard things, and I can do this!

Join me! Lets live with zero regrets!!!

By the way, my next post will be my 100th post, and I will be doing a drawing from all the comments on it for a personalized blog makeover, courtesy of this amateur artist. Make sure to watch for it!

Wednesday, June 9, 2010

Accountability... Right, Accountability!

Have you ever felt like a beached whale? That was me yesterday & Today. Yesterday I did NOT make a good food choice, and that choice went from bad to worse when I completely STUFFED myself! Blah!! The day started out good - I ate great all morning and for lunch. But when I got home I just lost it - for NO apparent reason! There was no emotion behind it, there was no peer pressure behind it, nothing. I just... did it. We had Cafe Rio, which can be deadly, but if you make the right choices, can be just fine. Well... I started out okay, I got a tostada on a flour tortilla. This is like 1/2 of one of their big salads. Yum. Not so bad on the points scale for eating out, and I usually only eat 1/2 of that. But then as I'm checking out, I decide I needed queso and chips. I'm still telling myself I can be reasonable and just have a little, share it with Mike, and save some for later.

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA Yeah, like that was going to happen! What did I do? I sat down and scarfed my salad. Half way through I thought, hmmm getting full, I'll just have a little more. Little more???!!! Yeah, ate the whole dang thing. Then came the queso, and all those good thoughts of not eating too much - hmph - gone! I ate the WHOLE thing, by myself! Mike didn't even have one bite! **Hanging head in shame**

We were going to go hiking after dinner, but do you think I felt like hiking after that? NOooOOoo, I wanted to puke! Instead, Mike went fishing, and I read in bed. But as soon as he left at like 7 or 7:30 I put Willow in her Kennel and fell asleep. Seriously, I was out! It's like the food put me in a coma, my body went into shock at how much food it just got and it didn't know what to do with it all (except I'm sure to put some of it on my butt, thighs, and stomach!). I didn't get up for the rest of the night. Mike woke me up at 10 to get ready for bed, which I did and went right back to sleep. Blah.

So what do I do? I do it again tonight!! Did great all day! Then on my way home, I eat a small bag of Nacho Cheese Doritos (mmmm), but it was small and would have been FINE! Mike had grilled some tri tip steaks, and we put them in this delicious marinade over night. I ate double what I should have. Did I leave it there... hmmm... um nope! Sure didn't! I then proceeded to eat 6, yup count em' SIX reduced fat croissants. Does the fact that they were reduced fat count for anything? Well, it might of, had I not SLATHERED them in butter! I did make a small salad, you know so uhhhh... kudos for that? UHG!!! What is the deal!!!!

I've seen several posts like this on other blogs this week, so I know I'm not alone. When this happens to you, what do you do to get back on track? Help!

Sunday, June 6, 2010

All In the Lord's Time

Several times I have hinted at or mentioned the fact that we are having problems getting prego. I thought I would share a little more about that. So... for those of you uncomfortable with very personal info, you may want to stop reading now. :)

Where to start? I guess at the beginning. I was a late bloomer. I didn't start my period until I was 17. After that it was always irregular, sometimes being 6 weeks apart, sometimes a year. When I lost that 50lbs in Alaska I started having a more regular period, about every 6 weeks. That was progress!! I came home, met Mike, and we got married. Before we did, I went to planned parenthood to get put on birth control. They started me on it, and because we didn't know exactly when I would have a period, it was technically in the middle of a cycle. This was AWFUL!! I became a total monster, poor Mike. He must have been thinking "What did I get myself into"! It was so bad. I had three weeks where I just spotted constantly. And about two months of craziness! Let me tell you, after not having periods for so long, that was so hard!

Finally my mom gave me a nutritional product called Women's FX from Youngevity that turned me into a human being again. (If you have hormone problems, I'd be happy to talk to you about this, trust me, your other half would appreciate it, and you would get to feel like you again!) I was on birth control for about two years. So during that time I was regular.

In 2006 I went to Massage school, where I started learning how bad birth control is and what it can do to you. So we decided to get off it. I didn't have a period after that for about 18 months. I finally went to the doctor and they gave me a drug to induce one. Since then I have one maybe once a year. I have been tested for everything! Thyroid, PCOS, etc. Everything comes back normal. So what do they tell me? Lose weight.

As discouraging as it is to hear that (discouraging is to nice a word, it flat out sucks!!!), my history tells me there is some truth to it. When I lost that 50lbs, I did start having a period on a semi regular basis. They say that for some people when your body gets over a certain weight it can do the same thing as being anorexic, it shuts your system down.

In any case, that's where we've been for the last 3 years. We don't protect, there's no reason to. We have not had Mike tested, and I probably should have a few more tests done. We haven't started any fertility treatments, as right now we can't really afford that.

I've really felt for a long time that I needed to lose weight before getting pregnant. That's why this year is so important. I finally decided it was time to make these changes and to really prepare myself, as much as one can be prepared, to be a mom. This year is about losing weight and developing my relationship with God. Next year... fertility. We hope to be in a better place financially and physically. This will be better for my body and better for the baby.

Although this is really hard, and Mother's day totally bites, I am at peace with this. I know that we are doing the right thing, and that there are children waiting to come to us. If we can't have our own, we would adopt and they would be just as precious and loved! So for now, I live by faith. I trust that when the time is right, we will be blessed with children and will get to take that next step in our lives.

Saturday, June 5, 2010

Accept them for who they are, and forgive them for what their not

We all have certain people that we have a hard time with. Whether it's because of a personality clash, because they annoy us, because they have hurt us, etc. I have this paranoia that I am one of those people. That I bug people and that they don't like me. I know what others think shouldn't matter but...

So the other day I was thinking about all this as I was dealing with someone that for me, is hard to be around. Don't worry, it's not you (I say that because if I were reading this, that is what my first thought would be). I had this thought occur to me, and I think it carries a lot of wisdom in it. For me, and for that person.

Accept them for who they are, and forgive them for what their not.

And maybe even harder - Accept myself for who I am, and forgive myself for what I'm not.

Whew, that's a heavy challenge! But think about how much better this world would be if we could all live by that? I think about the relationships I have with my closest friends and family. About my co-workers, demonstrators, and other people I associate with. I can see where things could be better in each of those areas if I clung to to this a little more. I know that the Lord feels this way about me, I should have the courtesy to pass that on to others as well. That's my challenge today, be more accepting and kind.

Friday, June 4, 2010

Live by faith, not by fear

This is something I've really been thinking about lately. There is so much in this world to be fearful of. I don't watch the news, because it's just too depressing. I would rather be ignorant than have that in my life every day. Mike tells me when big things happen, or I hear it from my co-workers. Recently my brother and his girl friend were telling us that the economy here in Utah is suppose to get really bad toward the end of the year. Even just typing that, I get a pit in my stomach. It's so easy to feel that - and feel the panic that comes with it. I have to remind myself that my life belongs to the Lord, and that as I do my part to take care of us, he will do the rest.

This especially applies in my weight loss. I fear that I won't be able to do it. That I'll give up, that I will always be mediocre. But that truth is all of those things Satan wants me to believe. And the other truth is that ALL of them are up to me whether they come true or not. I can choose to believe that crap, or I can choose to have faith in myself, that I am strong. And faith in the Lord that he wants me to take care of this temple he has given me and that he will give me strength when I am lacking.

In these dark times, let's remember to live by faith! There is much light and good out there, let's find it and hold on tight!


Word of the Day...

"Until". That is the word of the day according to Kris, my WW leader. When was your last "until"? Let me give you an example, "I was doing really good at eating healthy and tracking until... " I feel myself sliding into that position so I was really glad that she talked about this yesterday. I'm not ready for another until, I think I'd like to skip that, thank you. I had a gain this week, 1.4lbs. While obviously this does not make me happy, I'm trying to really focus on the non scale victories, and the big picture. I feel like for the most part I was pretty good on our camping trip. There were a couple of times I could have made better decisions, but for the most part I was aware of what and how much I was eating. I was able to hike and not be too winded, I conquered a fear, and I had some realizations. It was not a wasted week, even with the gain. Now it's time to just re-focus a little and I know it will come off again.

This week I am going to work on tracking again. I've let that slip and it is so important for my weight loss. Also, I am at the dreaded 230 point, the place where I always get stuck. Not this time. I may get a little stuck for a while, but I am going to push through it. I can do this! I am going to focus on the healthy guidelines, tracking, measuring, and getting in a few workouts. I know that sounds like a lot, and my readers have got after me for trying to focus on too much at one time. However, I feel like lots of these really are habits, I just need to pull them into focus a little. They are not as big a stretch as they used to be. Exercise, I've been doing things that are fun and that I want to do - so they don't even feel like exercise. So the biggest thing out of those will be the healthy guidelines. Making sure I'm getting all my veggies/fruits, water, oils (which honestly I've never done), minerals, dairy, protein, and healthy grains. Some of those are more challenging than others, but I know they are all important.

Here's to a great week!! What are you focusing on this week?


Thursday, June 3, 2010

Outdoor Adventure Number 3 for 2010

Camping trip pics, enjoy!!!

Mike & I on top of one of our Hikes. We rode the four wheelers up this awesome trail and then hiked the rest of the way. It was so clear and beautiful! Best date ever!  

We were invited to go camping with a family that we met through Mike's work. Wade & Valerie and their two kids Lexi and Easton. Lexi is 13 (actually celebrated her b-day on the trip - Happy birthday girl!) and Easton is 3.Wade's sister and her children, KayCee (I think that's how it's spelled) and Joey, joined us. It was a real pleasure to get to know them and we all had a blast!
The dogs!! Oh the dogs!! There were 7 of them total and they had so much fun! Wade and Val brought their two, Buttons (a yellow lab - the one sleeping on his back!) and Coda (I'm not sure what he is,. He is a medium size dog). Carla brought her four dogs Pumba (a 12 week old puppy, pictured with Joey, SOO darling! And quite spunky!), Romeo (a Pomeranian with an attitude!), Jazzy (a med size dog, not sure what kind), and Lola (a Lassy looking type of dog, so sweet!!!). Willow was the fastest so her favorite part was to get the four bigger dogs to chase her, then she'd show off her stuff. She had so much fun! A little too much in fact, by the first day she could barely walk. It was so sad! :( But her feet will toughen up. She loved it by the end!! Turns out she is quite the climber!

Here are some videos of the dogs:

Here are some just random pictures of our site, where we were, and what we saw!

So Mike grew up around four wheelers, I didn't. I grew up around Motorcycles. Val & Wade brought their two quads and let us play. I rode them last year too, so it was probably my third time on them. I am a cautious driver anyway... so you can imagine how I was on these. I am getting more comfortable though. There was this one trail that we rode a couple of times that had this huge hill (okay, huge to me!). One time while I was driving I wanted to go down it, but chickened out and Mike just reached around me and did it. Later that day I was thinking about it and decided I needed to do it and conquer my fear. This year is about doing things I've never been able to do and overcoming my insecurities, fears, and inhibitions. So we went back, and I did it! Watching the video it makes it look like nothing, but it really was steep!! Mom, you probably shouldn't watch this.

Looking down the hill.

Looking up the hill.

Me, conquering a fear!!!

It was so fun and I'm really glad I did it. We plan to buy one next year, don't worry - we'll buy some helmets to go with it for sure!!!!

Well, that was our trip. It was so beautiful, awesome to get outside and away from the world for a while, and to be with good friends! Thanks for inviting us Val & Wade!!