Tonight I went for a walk. Which really was a big deal, because I was SOOOO tired, but I pushed through it and went anyway. I'm so glad I did. I find that when I'm alone I think in blog posts. Do you do that too, or am I the only obsessed one? Although I don't always remember the topics I think of or the thoughts that I have, just thinking things out like that is beneficial and helps me work through thoughts and issues. And sometimes they are things that although I would like to blog about them, I probably never would. So even when I don't actually post it, I still learn.
I had some thoughts tonight that were kind of hard to face. Maybe because in a lot of ways I realized I can be pretty two faced, and that hurts. No on likes to think that they are, but sometimes, I am. Let me explain. One of the thoughts I had today was about why I do what I do. I find myself SO often doing things, big or little, through out my day so that I can specifically tell someone that I did it. Like the walk tonight. Or tracking, or whatever. I want to be able to tell the good things I chose for myself over the week at WW and get a gold star (technically the bravo stars are green, but whatever). I want to be able to post on here and tell you the good things I've done. I like the support, and the pats on the head. They make me feel good and pump me up.
But deep down, I really want to get to the point, where I don't need that validation. That I will do those things because I want it. Because it makes me feel good and like a better person. I think sometimes I get so over focused on what others think of my process, I forget that it's my process. I know that's a lot of me, my, and I. But the truth is that by focusing on what others think of me, I stay focused on me. But I think that when I get to the point that I do those things truly for myself, then they can just be what I do. And it will free up my thoughts, actions, and energies so much more to focus on what others need from me to help them. Don't get me wrong, I think the support and cheerleading from others is important, and probably always will be. I'm just saying that we should be our own biggest cheerleader.
So, here is the deal. I have a big week planned out, with some awesome things in it. But I'm not going to tell you about them. Haha, yes, I know that's really annoying. But this week I want to focus on doing those things, because I know they are good for me to do, and not so I can get a gold star. It's only for a week. There is one thing that I will tell you about, because I think it's going to have a big impact on my journey, but I'm not going to post about it until next week. I know, I'm like one of those jerks that tells you they have a secret, but then won't tell you anything. I'm still going to post, but it will just be my thoughts, not necessarily what I've done this week.
This year is about becoming a better me. And to do that, I do have to focus on... me. Which seems so backwards, because I really want to learn how to focus outward more and on other people. I want to learn to be a better friend, and a good friend. Not because I think someone is watching, but because that's just who I am. I don't want to be two faced. I want people to look at me and see someone that is comfortable with who she is. Someone that sincerely cares about them, and helps them to feel good about themselves when they are with her. I want to be real. So I think this will be the first step on that part of this journey.