Monday, June 14, 2010

No Gold Stars For Me

Tonight I went for a walk. Which really was a big deal, because I was SOOOO tired, but I pushed through it and went anyway. I'm so glad I did. I find that when I'm alone I think in blog posts. Do you do that too, or am I the only obsessed one? Although I don't always remember the topics I think of or the thoughts that I have, just thinking things out like that is beneficial and helps me work through thoughts and issues. And sometimes they are things that although I would like to blog about them, I probably never would. So even when I don't actually post it, I still learn.

I had some thoughts tonight that were kind of hard to face. Maybe because in a lot of ways I realized I can be pretty two faced, and that hurts. No on likes to think that they are, but sometimes, I am. Let me explain. One of the thoughts I had today was about why I do what I do. I find myself SO often doing things, big or little, through out my day so that I can specifically tell someone that I did it. Like the walk tonight. Or tracking, or whatever. I want to be able to tell the good things I chose for myself over the week at WW and get a gold star (technically the bravo stars are green, but whatever). I want to be able to post on here and tell you the good things I've done. I like the support, and the pats on the head. They make me feel good and pump me up.

But deep down, I really want to get to the point, where I don't need that validation. That I will do those things because I want it. Because it makes me feel good and like a better person. I think sometimes I get so over focused on what others think of my process, I forget that it's my process. I know that's a lot of me, my, and I. But the truth is that by focusing on what others think of me, I stay focused on me. But I think that when I get to the point that I do those things truly for myself, then they can just be what I do. And it will free up my thoughts, actions, and energies so much more to focus on what others need from me to help them. Don't get me wrong, I think the support and cheerleading from others is important, and probably always will be. I'm just saying that we should be our own biggest cheerleader.

So, here is the deal. I have a big week planned out, with some awesome things in it. But I'm not going to tell you about them. Haha, yes, I know that's really annoying. But this week I want to focus on doing those things, because I know they are good for me to do, and not so I can get a gold star. It's only for a week. There is one thing that I will tell you about, because I think it's going to have a big impact on my journey, but I'm not going to post about it until next week. I know, I'm like one of those jerks that tells you they have a secret, but then won't tell you anything. I'm still going to post, but it will just be my thoughts, not necessarily what I've done this week.

This year is about becoming a better me. And to do that, I do have to focus on... me. Which seems so backwards, because I really want to learn how to focus outward more and on other people. I want to learn to be a better friend, and a good friend. Not because I think someone is watching, but because that's just who I am. I don't want to be two faced. I want people to look at me and see someone that is comfortable with who she is. Someone that sincerely cares about them, and helps them to feel good about themselves when they are with her. I want to be real. So I think this will be the first step on that part of this journey.

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10 comments:

Holly said...

Your post is EXACTLY how I have been feeling lately. Example, I have been doing a 6 week weight loss challenge and today was the final weigh in. I have done really well and have felt myself sliding. I am praying I don't totally give up now that a big part of my motivation is gone. I know that I have my blogging community but, I am not sure who would check in on me if I wasn't around for a while.

I even know what you mean about wanting to better myself but, also wanting to be a better friend and for myself I will add in family member too. I have been wanting to do a post on this very thing on my family blog. Still will, your words have helped me organize my own thoughts.

Thank you!

Psyfygirl said...

I also feel that way. I've come to the belief I feel this way because I want people to remember me. I want to make my mark on the world and be remembered as the kind one. Although, we will have immortality, being remembered now is a way for us to have immortality in the mortal world. I know it's a weird belief but that's how I feel.

Emma said...

I often think about blogs and that when I'm out and about by myself - like what I want to write or share etc. Oh and congrats for getting out there and walking when you didn't want too.

Natalia said...

Sam, I can relate! Thanks for this post. Definitely something to think about. Good job on getting the walk in! :)

Lesia said...

1st and far most: I DO NOT see you as two-faced. I think you are true to who you are and you don't sugar coat it. I dream about my blog EVERY night. I am a little OCD! I am way in the whole VALIDATION thing too, but I hope to get to a point that I don't need it. You ROCK girl and I can't wait to read what your big "SECRET" was/is.smile.

Traci said...

I sooooooooooo know what you mean. I do the same thing. Not telling about what I'm doing. It feels like too much information so I share only the really special things. Like a personal best or a longest run. Something like that. That's why I started with dailymile. I wanted a place to put everything for myself. I have it set to auto post to facebook, but almost every time I post I choose to not send it to FB. I think sometimes it's addicting to get so much positive feedback. I also sometimes think in terms of blog posts and I hardly ever remember them. I have a bad memory for sure. I have to write it down to remember. lol

fatgirl_vs_world said...

It's kind of like Field Day, I think. At the end, we want a ribbon whether we won or whether we just participated. We want someone else to notice our hard work. We want someone else to notice our talent.

And you know what? It's okay to ask for it (so long as you're also willing to give it out). You can tell a trusted friend or family member "Hey, for a little while I need to you be my cheerleader until it feels natural to be my own." It's okay to ask for that help.

I know you said you want to be your own cheerleader eventually -- but eventually you won't need the cheers. You'll be able to look back at the journey and instead of needing validation, you'll feel satisfaction. Satisfaction sticks to your ribs in a way validation never will.

Crazylady said...

Hiya, first time commenter here. I'm visiting from the Healthy You Check in and I'm trying be more supportive there by visiting the blog of the person that has signed immediately before me every week!

Anyway, all that aside, I really relate to what you are saying in this post. I often find myself saying and doing things in order to get approval or recognition. I think it's because I have low self-esteem which I'm trying to work on. I think if someone says "good job" or whatever to me it like a validation of me as a person. Like you say praise isn't a bad thing but eventually we hopefully won't need that praise to be happy. I'm getting there slowly but getting there all the same.

The Better Idiot said...

I don't always think in blog posts, but I do imagine what it will feel like to have to blog a post admitting I didn't exercise or ate badly. It sometimes helps.

Vaia said...

Congrats on going for the walk even though you were tired - I've definitely been feeling fatigue this week and it's showing up in my food and exercise choices. Today I started a new day and began re-tracking and making good choices (for breakfast so far).
Reading your post was a definite energizer...thanks!