Sunday, January 29, 2012

Emotional Eating

"Inside some of us is a thin person struggling to get out, but they can usually be sedated with a couple of pieces of chocolate cake." 
~ Anonymous

I am reading Shrink Yourself. This is not a diet - it's about learning how to deal with why you overeat. I am an emotional overeat - I binge to avoid my feelings. I binge to avoid life. I binge to avoid people. I binge to avoid to mask feelings of inadequacy, fear of the future, and to cover up feelings of failure? Make sense? If not - then you are probably not an emotional eater. The idea of eating to numb yourself probably seems ludicrous. To those who know what I am talking about - you should check out this book! I bought mine on E-bay for like $3.

I signed up for WW last week. I am excited and frustrated about this. I had a good friend get honest with me and told me to stop looking for "what works", because I already know what works. And she was right - I do. The other reality I finally faced - I can't do this alone. I've tried for the last year - and I've floundered for the last year. So I signed up.  I'm a bit apprehensive about going to my regular meeting that I used to go to. I think my old leader probably hates is exasperated with me. I had lost 45lbs the last time I saw her. And I just stopped going. I know that's silly - she probably doesn't even care. But... I'm still nervous. I'll let you know how that goes. :) I'm frustrated to start again, because... I'm starting again. At the beginning - and that kind of sucks. Oh well... it is what it is, and I've done what I've done. Onward!

I did okay for breakfast and lunch every day this week - but I have really struggled at night! That is when all my emotional eating happens and even though I really want to eat healthy I can't seem to conquer these demons. I remembered this book and thought maybe it's time to revisit it for some assistance in dealing with my emotional eating. 

This isn't going to go away over night. But it feels good to be doing something about it. It's a start. :D

Tuesday, January 24, 2012

Yes. I. Do!!!

"On the surface it may seem like the 
hard part is eating less and moving 
more but in reality the hard part is  
messing up but not stopping."  
~ Keelie at REAL Fat

I just loved this so much! Head over to Keelie's blog and read this post. You won't regret it. Seriously, I feel like I have been stuck in mud up to my thighs for the past two years. It's just nuts. You know what? I am pretty good at dieting. And actually, I am pretty good at moving more and exercising regularly. And I used to think I was good at messing up and not stopping - but truly I think that is my down fall. Well, it's not even the messing up part. I can do that and get back up. But for no reason that I can figure out I just stop. I stop caring and I stop trying and I start eating more and moving less. I just stop. 

The truth is that somewhere along the way - I did give up. I was right there - you know - an arms length away from everything I wanted. Weight wise, financially, etc. I was there. And for some crazy reason, I opened my hand and let go. And lost it all. And no matter how hard I have clamored and clawed to get it back - I just have not been able to free myself. 

And now I just stare at myself in the mirror and wonder if I have it in me to get it back? I've had some really deep conversations with Mike this week. And with God. It's gotten very real around here, and really painful. And it's time. It's time for me to seriously take my life in hand and make what I want out of it. It's time for the excuses to end. It's time to lose the weight and be done with it. It's time to get pregnant and move on to the next chapter in our lives. It's time. No more waiting. 

Staring in the mirror I wonder if I have it in me...
Hell. Yes. I. Do!!!!

Sam

A Wrinkle In Time

So we've decided for Christmas we are going to get books for all the neices and newphews each year. They get sooo many toys, I wanted to do something different. And reading has always been a passion of mine! I'm thrilled that they all seem to love it too! I found this awesome used book store where I could buy paperback books in fairly great condition for $1.50. So instead of buying one - maybe two books new - I bought a stack of used books! Very fun! Quite a few were favorites from my childhood - and I hope they love them as much as I did. 

One of the books I bought was A Wrinkle In Time. To be honest, I remembered that I loved the book - but couldn't really remember the story. I was worried it would be over their heads (this was for an 11 year old and a 7 year old) so I kept that one. I figured I would read it - and probably give it to them next year. Oddly enough, I'm so glad I did! 

I finished it last night and it really is a fun book. But even more interesting was the parallel to the Gospel that I probably did not pickup on as a child. For those that have never read it - or like me it's been years - here is the recap: 

You have Meg, a homely school aged girl (I imagine probably 14 or 15 or so), her younger brother Charles Wallace, and a friend they meet - Calvin a 17 year boy. They go on a fantastic journey to other worlds to save Meg's father who disappeared. On their journey they meet IT, and evil force that is trying to take over the universe and has captured her father. In Cazamotz where they find him, everyone is the same. Everyone does the same thing, thinks the same thing, and lives the same. There are no consequences, because there are no decision. There is no sadness - but there is also no joy. IT is a large brain that basically sucks a person into it's self so that IT thinks for you. And of course, in the end the thing that conquers is Love. That is my very brief summary. For one more in depth, click here.

The thing that struck me - was how alike the IT was to Satan. How he wants to take away all of our power of decision. He wants to take away all consequences. He wants to take away all of our differences. As I read this, I realized that in a lot of ways, I've bought into this plan. I thought about all those years I have been trying to be like everyone else. All the times I've looked at other people's life, family, money, body - and thought why can't I be like that? And many times, tried to look like I am that - when really I am something completely different - all in the name of fitting in. Why have I tried to hide who I am, to please others? Because if you think about it - that's falling right in to the plan of IT. Truth be told, I like the power of decision that a loving God gave me. I like the things that make me different from others.

I may not appreciate all the things about myself that I could yet. But I'm definitely on the path to getting there. And for today at least I can appreciate the fact that I am different then others - and that it's okay! I don't have to be like anyone else - I get to just be me. 

Sunday, January 22, 2012

Accountability 2, Report 3

Well yesterday certainly did not turn out the way I planned. I was on track, until around 12pm I got a call about a family emergency. From there, my eating went down hill - but so what. We spent the afternoon and evening at the hospital with our loved ones. It seems - for now- that things are looking okay. We just kind of have to wait and see now. From here we are hoping it is mostly just about a recovery. Mike and I will be at the hospital all day today, so I don't really know what my plans look like. I'm just going to make the best choices I can, and more importantly - be there for my family. Any prayers on our behalf would be appreciated. Thanks!

Sam

Saturday, January 21, 2012

Report 2

Okay, I know these will get boring, so I will post other stuff too... don't worry.... if there is anyone out there reading this. :) I just need this right now. Okay, on to today...

Spiritual: 
Read BOM for 15 minutes
Pray morning and night
Go to the temple

Activity:
Go to work in the office today
Workout my upper body and core for 20 min
Play games tonight with another couple

Eating: 
Breakfast: 1 egg, 1 egg white, 1 piece of toast, 1 tsp butter, 2 slices of bacon (6.5 points)
Snack: 3 cups fresh popcorn (2 points) 
Lunch: I don't know - they are providing it at work. I'll make the best decision I can. 
Snack: 1 orange, 1 oz pistatcios (3? points)
Dinner: Chicken Chili Popovers, steamed broccoli- not sure on the points yet.
Dessert: 1/2 cup caramel corn (5 points)
64 ounces of water

Friday, January 20, 2012

Accountability 1

Well today actually went really well! It's amazing what a difference it made, knowing I would have to publicly say whether I kept my word or not. While I didn't do perfect - it was a vast improvement! 

Spiritually: 
Read from the Book of Mormon with Mike before work. DONE
Pray with Mike before work. DONE
Read from the Book of Mormon by myself for 15 minutes, pondering, and praying about what I read. DONE
Morning and night prayer DONE

Activity/Time Wise: 
Work out for 20 minutes doing upper and lower body pilates for my breaks today. 1/2 DONE - I was only able to sneak in one 10 min video.
Go to GNO tonight with the girls from the ward (instead of canceling like I usually do)
Stay actively engaged all day at work. DONE and so fun!!!
Take Willow to get her nails done - and if there is time to play at the park. :( I totally slacked here. I did play with her in the back yard, but I didn't get her nails done.

Food (29 points): 
Breakfast: 1 serving greek vanilla yogurt, 1 orange (5 points)Yes!
Snack: Celery and 1 tbs of peanut butter (2 points) Yes!
Lunch: 1/2 everything bagel, 1 tbs cream cheese, cucumber slices, 1 banana (4.5 points) Yes! (Except the cucumber slices, because it turns out my cucumber was bad)
Snack: String cheese, 1 small apple (3 points) Yes!
Dinner: Cobb Salad (lettuce, cucumber, onion, 2 slices of bacon, pinch of Parmesan cheese, 1/2 hard boiled egg, dressing) (8 points) Yes! (Except no onion or cucumber, but I did add tomatoes and 1/3 avocado. I also had 4 slices of bacon. But this is a big improvement - usually I eat most of the package!)
GNO: Snacks. I will try to stick to any veggies or fruits that are available. I will allow myself to pick two treats, and only have 3 bites of each - using some of my weekly points. There weren't any veggies - but I did good anyway. I had a small taste of each of the items, and left off the ones that looked good - but that I wasn't really wanting. I feel good about my choices. I would say I had about 15 points worth.
Drink at least 64 ounces of water Done!

End total, I used all my 29 points, and 11.5 of my weekly points. And I am calling the day a success. Good night!

Report 1

I'm struggling here. I have been for a while. I do good for a day or so, and then crash and burn. Or for a couple hours, and then crash and burn. Something sets me off emotionally during the day - and then I eat all night. But it's not just about the food either. I have not been active. I have not been doing much with my evenings. I have not spent my time wisely, and I can feel the winter blues creeping in because of it. Well... all that changes - Right. Now.

I don't know if anyone is still reading this sad little blog, but I'm going to do this anyway. I am going to hold myself accountable to... myself. I am going to use this blog to hold me accountable. Each morning I will post what my detailed plans are for the day. Meaning, exactly what I plan to do spiritually, physically, foodily (yeah, I made that one up), and time wise. Then at night, I will post again and be accountable for the choices I made through out the day. I will hold myself accountable for why I made the choices I did - and try to understand what happened if I fell off the wagon. 

So here goes, here is today's plan: 

Spiritually: 
Read from the Book of Mormon with Mike before work.
Pray with Mike before work.
Read from the Book of Mormon by myself for 15 minutes, pondering, and praying about what I read. 
Morning and night prayer

Activity/Time Wise: 
Work out for 20 minutes doing upper and lower body pilates for my breaks today.
Go to GNO tonight with the girls from the ward (instead of canceling like I usually do)
Stay actively engaged all day at work. 
Take Willow to get her nails done - and if there is time to play at the park.

Food (29 points): 
Breakfast: 1 serving greek vanilla yogurt, 1 orange (5 points)
Snack: Celery and 1 tbs of peanut butter (2 points)
Lunch: 1/2 everything bagel, 1 tbs cream cheese, cucumber slices, 1 banana (4.5 points)
Snack: String cheese, 1 small apple (3 points) 
Dinner: Cobb Salad (lettuce, cucumber, onion, 1 slice of bacon, pinch of Parmesan cheese, 1/2 hard boiled egg, dressing) (about 8 points)  
GNO: Snacks. I will try to stick to any veggies or fruits that are available. I will allow myself to pick two treats, and only have 3 bites of each - using some of my weekly points.
Drink at least 64 ounces of water



Tuesday, January 17, 2012

Good Riddance 2011, Hello 2012!!

So 2011 kind of sucked! I dealt with that awful vertigo, got sick several times, we both were dealing with depression, we didn't do a whole lot of activity, etc. Also, I haven't really mentioned this, but Mike's mom has been really sick for the last couple of years, and she passed away in August. As you can imagine, that was a really hard experience for us, and we have been just trying to deal. It was just a really tough year for both of us and I don't think either of us were sorry to see it go!

But on the other hand, we are very excited that 2012 is here! Already we have begun working on our goals. Mike is in the full swing of his 1/2 marathon training. He did 5 miles on Saturday and I am SO proud of him! He runs the Moab 1/2 in March and is going to do awesome! I've had to pull back from running because of my shin splints. From all the research I've done and what I learned as a Massage Therapist - this is one of those things that you don't want to push through because you will just do more damage. But... I think they are finally doing better. I walked on Sat and didn't have any pain in my shins. So I am thinking that I will start the 5k training next week. Yay!!

My friend Russ and I are having a contest to see who can lose 10% of our weight first. I need to lose 23.6 pounds. I had a really rough time getting started last week, so I only lost .6 in my first week. But I'm off to a good start this week - so I think my loss will be much better! 

So I am back on WW again. I'm not paying to go to the meetings, I'm just doing it on my own - not in the budget, ya know? I have to kind of chuckle at myself. Willow loves to play fetch!! And when she brings you her toy, she always drops it on the floor. But if I'm sitting on the couch, I want her to put it on the couch. So I will tell her that. She will put it on the very edge, and it falls off! Then one time she will bring it up and give it to me, and I throw it. You'd think she would learn that for me to throw it, she needs to put it on the couch right? Nope, the next time she brings it, she puts it on the edge again - and it just falls off. I am just like Willow! You'd think I would just learn after so many "beginnings". I always want to try new things, but always come back to what works. And for me, what works is WW. It seems to give me that balance between not depriving myself, and yet staying on a plan. So here I am again. My goal this time is to not get distracted and try something new. I'm just going to plug along and stick to it. And only worry about today - not tomorrow or the next day. Because ultimately, I can't do anything about those days - except for maybe be prepared for them. But I can't make any decisions for them, until they are here. So I will just keep focusing on today. 

How are your 2012 goals going? 

Sam