Sunday, May 26, 2013

In the Beginning

6 1/2 almost 7 years ago I turned to Mike one night and told him I wanted a baby. He gulped - and agreed. We had gone off of birth control already, because it was causing some problems with my body. After going off of birth control, I did not have a period for two years. We had some tests done - but every one of them came back normal. The Dr. wasn't sure why I wasn't having periods, and usually blamed it on my weight. Although this was never an easy pill to swallow - I did have to acknowledge that when I was down in weight on my mission - I had fairly regular periods. We didn't give up hope though, even though I wasn't having periods. We kept praying that something would give. During those first few years I stayed pretty positive, and felt that eventually we would have a child. 

As the years went on, it became a little harder to keep up hope. There were lots of tears, lots of doubts about myself - and about God. Was it because I wasn't fit to be a mother? Because I couldn't be trusted? Because I was too selfish? Satan surely enjoyed playing on my insecurities during this time, and often I let him. I remember one Sunday about 3 1/2 years ago we were at my parents ward. In Relief Society I was sitting next to a woman holding her 2 or 3 month old. I pretty much avoided all things baby at this point - it was just too painful. So you can imagine my discomfort when she turned to me asked me to hold him - thrusting him in my arms before I could decline. At first it was very awkward, but he eventually settled into my arms. As I stared down at this little baby the Spirit washed over me. I don't often hear words when I'm feeling the Spirit. But that day He whispered to me. "Just wait. Be patient." My mom - who was sitting next to me - said she looked over and I had big alligator tears running down my cheeks. In that moment I knew that the delay in our family starting was not because of my shortcomings. That I just needed to have faith, trust in His plan for us, and just use this time to become a better person. So that's what I began to do.

Over the next few years, things got better. Although all things baby were still tough - I tried to hold on to the promise I'd been given. And although I wasn't always great at it - really did try to use the time to become a better person. To love and serve more. To take better care of my body - which has always been a struggle. To be a better wife, daughter, friend, and person. While I still have far to go, I feel like I did make a lot of strides during this time. 

Through out all this time we did do some testing. But we never did any serious fertility treatments - beyond forcing my body to have a period now and then. We always felt like that would be a part of getting pregnant, we just hadn't done it yet. A big part of that was money. We hadn't managed our money as well as we should and put ourselves in a position that we just didn't have the resources at the time. Looking back - I don't think we were really supposed to do it. On a spiritual level, I think that we were focused where Heavenly Father wanted us focused. I don't regret the choice not to do it.

All of this leads us into last year. The feeling that it was time to really start trying had been growing stronger and stronger. Last year was a year full of trials and overwhelming blessings. I had met and started working with a hypnotherapist. With her I began to really dump a lot of old hurts and things that were holding me back. Things from as far back as elementary school. I truly believe because of the work we did together, my hormones started to level out a bit and I started having periods. I had four last year (may not seem like a lot, but when you've only had one a year for about 4 or 5 years - that's a big increase). We also started to work on our fiances and to get things in order. We started paying a diligent fast offering - and were blessed abundantly. Including a huge promotion and raise for Mike that we were not expecting!

We both felt that we were being prepared and that it was time to start the real fight to get pregnant. In September we had discussed it and decided we would finish out the year - continuing to work on losing weight. And in January when the insurance re-set, we would start getting tested. 3 weeks after this conversation, we found out we were pregnant. This truly was such a big shock and such a huge huge huge blessing. I truly expected to spend at minimum - $10,000 to get pregnant. We have several family and friends that have been through this battle. We had discussed it with them, and we were preparing for that. Maybe only in the hear after I'll know why we were spared that, but I will forever and ever be so grateful. And thus our little miracle baby was conceived. But the miracles didn't stop there... more to come.