My Endurance Is Building

I've talked a lot about my endurance as a jogger lately and how I am starting to be able to go further distances. Tonight I ran sprints and again, went further then I would have been able to do before!! This was exciting to me and exhilarating! But that is actually not the kind of endurance I'm talking about, when I say that it's building.

I'm talking about my mental endurance. Two things in the last two days set me off emotionally. Nothing huge, but just enough to push me over the edge and make me want to go to my go-to drug - FOOD! The first one was last night right before I went to the grocery store - uhhh... can we say "problem"!!! (It actually turns out that the thing I was upset about yesterday will be a good thing - so, that's good at least!) And to boot, Mike is at scout camp. So going to the store I could have bought all sorts of crap and no one would of known (except for the fact I most likely would have blogged about it! Ha!). I instantly started going through all my past favorites of total junk food that I could have. Totino's pizza with extra olives, pepperoni, and tons of cheese with a tall glass of milk. Or Velveeta mac and cheese with the store made garlic bread.... mmmm... buttery goodness! Or a bag of Frito's and nacho cheese... or a huge piece of cake (with lots of white frosting and sprinkles! Love those sprinkles!) and my haggan das caramel cone ice cream! Or.... anyway... you get the point. Sorry if I made you drool or gag as the case my be. :D Needless to say it was a challenge and it really did test the skills I've been learning and practicing. But I did it! Each time I would walk by something and want to get it, I'd look at it and say "I can do without it" or "Maybe next time" - knowing full well I don't plan for there to be a next time. I made it through without buying anything just awful for me. I did buy one small bag (the $0.99 bags) of potato chips. I like to dip them in cottage cheese, and that was my treat for myself. I felt really good about my accomplishment in not allowing my emotions to run away with me! 

Tonight... yeah, that didn't go as well. Something else set me off this afternoon, and I went straight for the fridge. And I binged like there was no tomorrow. And the whole time I kept asking myself... "Why are you doing this?" I knew exactly what set me off, exactly why I was upset... but for some reason I couldn't stop. That's not true. I could have. I chose not to. I accept responsibility for my actions in the fact that I made a conscious choice not to stop eating. 

So in the past, something like this would have sent me into a tail spin for a few days, possibly weeks. I'd struggle and struggle to get a handle on things again and would have to "start over". Not today though! I've set my life up and my schedule up that I don't have time to do that. I have too many positive activities for my health going on to give me time to do that. And I want to continue being strong and to continue on this path. So while I did make a conscious choice to eat that food, I also made a conscious choice not to let it derail me from what I want most. So after taking a nap (*side note - eating like that effects my body so much more than it use to. I would eat like that all the time and it was just the norm. Now, each time I do it, it seems to put me into an instant comatose state and I have to take a nap. I think that's a pretty big indicator that my body likes the healthy food much better and it's better fuel to keep me going! Hmmm, who woulda thought that? :D*), I got up and went to my Addiction Recovery Meeting. It was a great meeting and I walked away feeling like I am already ready to be back on track. I came home changed, grabbed Willow, and we went for a quick run. We did sprints and it was a tough and sweaty workout! I feel great! I'm going to track ALL the food I ate, and tomorrow, I'm going to move on. 

What's that saying, you only failed if you quit trying. Well, I guess if that's the case, I didn't fail, I just hit a bump in the road and learned something along the way. The next time that happens, I'm going to head for a door alright, it will just be the front door, instead of the refrigerator door! :)

What did you learn from life's lessons today?



Vaia said…
Mental endurance is soo very important - I'm learning that along the way as well. Good for you on walking past all your bad trigger foods at the grocery store. I totally talk to myself in moments like that too! Ha!

You are doing awesome and don't every forget it!!
Laura said…
I totally get what you are going through. The hardest part of this journey is fighting the urge to use food to feed the spirit and not just to feed the body. Good for recognizing what was going on and taking steps to make sure you were able to pick yourself back up and keep going. You are doing awesome Sam, yea for the running!!!!
Wow! congrats on your 5K first of all! Way to Go! And also congrats for not beating yourself up for "messing up"; you went to a meeting and came home and exercised instead of wallowing; you should be VERY proud of yourself!!!
Happy Fun Pants said…

Seriously - I hope you realized what you did. The shopping trip showed that you're making good choices not because others might see but because they're good choices. You have SO much to be proud of.

Secondly, when you binged and then KNEW that you were and why you were? THAT is huge progress. And that you're realizing how it affects you afterwards is huge! Before, I would just eat and eat and that was that. I wasn't aware of why just that I felt I couldn't stop. When I started to at least be CONSCIOUS of what I ate, I was able to break the cycle. Not then...and maybe not the next few times, but eventually it stops. I rebound quicker and the time between binges get longer.

So see? You ARE being healthier and you have so very much to be proud of!!

WAY less important, but for some reason, my reader was showing you in blogs I subscribe to but don't follow. Obviously, that wasn't true, so I re-followed you. Have I really not been a follower on your blog? Yikes. How did that slip my mind? Just so you know, I definitely read every thing you write. :)
Binging and knowing and realising is so much better than binging all the time and not caring. Your grocery trip and making the right choices was awesome.

That's where I fall down, so I avoid it like the plague and try not to shop by myself as I am not that strong yet. I will get there though.
julielopez3 said…
Congrats Sam! That is a big accomplishment to realize the things that set you off and turn to something other then food. I had this happen to me today after work with my daughter. Instead of heading for the fridge now I do that very thing walk out the door. Today I walked out my back door and picked strawberries, and watered my garden. I learned that food is not going to change what happened. Only make me feel bad and mad about myself.
"I walked away from that race liking who I was and how I looked - sweat and all!"

That's great! Congratulations.

Jessie said…
Great post...I've been struggling in much the same way!

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