This Frog Ain't Boiled Yet!
So I told myself and you that I wasn’t going to let that +8.2lbs get to me. But I did. It did, it got to me. I fell apart over the weekend and ate everything in sight and when all of that was gone, I went in search of things that weren’t in sight. While it was an awesome weekend because Mike did his first triathlon (watch for pics to come soon) and I was (and still am) SOOOO proud of him, it was not a great weekend for me personally. I have worked very hard to change my habits over the last 8 months, to change my heart, mind, and body. This weekend I fell back into some old habits, I’m not proud of that. So then of course comes the guilt, frustration, self-loathing, and regret. Which leads to… excusing myself to more eating. Sunday, I started to snap out of it. I still ate too much, but I was starting to recognize what was going on and that I didn’t want to let it continue. Let’s be honest though, it’s been going on for longer than this week. I’ve been in this place for about a month. This time it snuck up on me over the space of three weeks. It was like the frog in boiling water. Have you heard that?
If you put a frog in boiling water, he will jump right out! But if you put him in cold water and slowly increase the heat he won’t notice and will stay to his doom. Luckily, I don’t think I’m quite to that point. I’ve spent a considerable amount of time this weekend contemplating my life, the decisions that I’ve made, decisions to be made in the future, and what this really is all about.
I really did not come up with any great reasons why it started. Really, I think I just got complacent. I stopped tracking. The battery in my food scale died, so I stopped weighing. I stopped measuring my food. I stopped counting my veggies. I stopped. And then began. I began justifying splurges and treats. I began listening to my head, instead of my body when it came to hunger. I began to love food for the taste instead of what it's intended for, nutrition and to give me energy. I became reacquainted with that stuffed full feeling. The one in which I hate, and yet, I'm so comfortable there. I started feeding my emotions. And... ta da - boiled frog!
So now I've lost my momentum. I've lost really any chance I had at losing 100lbs in 2010, because honestly, it would be really unhealthy for me to lose about 64lbs (probably more because I've probably gained more weight) in four months. So, I'm left asking that famous question, what now?
Can I just say: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHa;sdlkfj!@@#JLSafjoasr8t09u4tjgwofgj. (yes, I was very angry and felt the need to yell and hit my keyboard)
Okay, I'm done throwing my temper tantrum.
But... I. Am. Not. Done!
I'm not giving up. Yes, I'm super frustrated, I feel stuck and just... blah. But I am going to figure this out. I am going to push through this and be stronger for it all. Every single time I've come up against a speed bump in my life, when I've allowed myself to go through it, I can look back and know why. I can see the lesson that had to be learned, and I pray this will be no different. It's time for some changes. I know what you're thinking, but let me re-assure you, I'm not looking for the quick fix. There have been some things happening along with all this other stuff that seem to be guiding me in new directions. Still with the same purpose, I'll just be getting there a little differently then I thought. I'll be posting all of that tomorrow, so stay tuned.
And remember how I said I don't want comfort? I do need it. I do need your encouragement. Your faith. Your friendship. I think I was just afraid of not being to handle it. Thank you for all you do, for sticking with me. I do want you to hold me accountable for my actions. I haven't left a ton of comments lately, but PLEASE know that I read your blogs and I am inspired. I read your about your successes and wins and they give me hope that I can do this and I shouldn't give up. Thanks!