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Tuesday, August 24, 2010

This Frog Ain't Boiled Yet!

So I told myself and you that I wasn’t going to let that +8.2lbs get to me. But I did. It did, it got to me. I fell apart over the weekend and ate everything in sight and when all of that was gone, I went in search of things that weren’t in sight. While it was an awesome weekend because Mike did his first triathlon (watch for pics to come soon) and I was (and still am) SOOOO proud of him, it was not a great weekend for me personally. I have worked very hard to change my habits over the last 8 months, to change my heart, mind, and body. This weekend I fell back into some old habits, I’m not proud of that. So then of course comes the guilt, frustration, self-loathing, and regret. Which leads to… excusing myself to more eating. Sunday, I started to snap out of it. I still ate too much, but I was starting to recognize what was going on and that I didn’t want to let it continue. Let’s be honest though, it’s been going on for longer than this week. I’ve been in this place for about a month. This time it snuck up on me over the space of three weeks. It was like the frog in boiling water. Have you heard that?
If you put a frog in boiling water, he will jump right out! But if you put him in cold water and slowly increase the heat he won’t notice and will stay to his doom. Luckily, I don’t think I’m quite to that point. I’ve spent a considerable amount of time this weekend contemplating my life, the decisions that I’ve made, decisions to be made in the future, and what this really is all about.

I really did not come up with any great reasons why it started. Really, I think I just got complacent. I stopped tracking. The battery in my food scale died, so I stopped weighing. I stopped measuring my food. I stopped counting my veggies. I stopped. And then began. I began justifying splurges and treats. I began listening to my head, instead of my body when it came to hunger. I began to love food for the taste instead of what it's intended for, nutrition and to give me energy. I became reacquainted with that stuffed full feeling. The one in which I hate, and yet, I'm so comfortable there. I started feeding my emotions. And... ta da - boiled frog!

So now I've lost my momentum. I've lost really any chance I had at losing 100lbs in 2010, because honestly, it would be really unhealthy for me to lose about 64lbs (probably more because I've probably gained more weight) in four months. So, I'm left asking that famous question, what now?


Can I just say: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHa;sdlkfj!@@#JLSafjoasr8t09u4tjgwofgj. (yes, I was very angry and felt the need to yell and hit my keyboard)
Okay, I'm done throwing my temper tantrum.

But... I. Am. Not. Done!

I'm not giving up. Yes, I'm super frustrated, I feel stuck and just... blah. But I am going to figure this out. I am going to push through this and be stronger for it all. Every single time I've come up against a speed bump in my life, when I've allowed myself to go through it, I can look back and know why. I can see the lesson that had to be learned, and I pray this will be no different. It's time for some changes. I know what you're thinking, but let me re-assure you, I'm not looking for the quick fix. There have been some things happening along with all this other stuff that seem to be guiding me in new directions. Still with the same purpose, I'll just be getting there a little differently then I thought. I'll be posting all of that tomorrow, so stay tuned.

And remember how I said I don't want comfort?  I do need it. I do need your encouragement. Your faith. Your friendship. I think I was just afraid of not being to handle it. Thank you for all you do, for sticking with me. I do want you to hold me accountable for my actions. I haven't left a ton of comments lately, but PLEASE know that I read your blogs and I am inspired. I read your about your successes and wins and they give me hope that I can do this and I shouldn't give up. Thanks!

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9 comments:

Mom to the Fourth Power said...

I have FULL CONFIDENCE in your ability to push past this. Just another "speed bump", that's all this is... maybe a bigger one, but nothing you can't handle! You've already come SO FAR and made such huge changes in your life and lifestyle. So, I would chalk this up as a big learning experience. You are amazing and you can overcome this!! I am totally rooting for ya as are all your followers, and your loved ones, and our Savior. So pick yourself up... dust yourself off... and do what you need to do girl!!

~Margene

Sarah (Fat Little Legs) said...

This is a HARD journey. We have all had these moments. What happens next is important. YOU WILL NOT GIVE UP. Did you hear me? You said it, but will you mean it? Maybe you won't lose 100 pounds this year. Who cares? I know you do, but seriously... where are you right now compared to last year? I bet a lot further. Hang in there. This is a hard hard journey, but you can do it.

:Deliciously Healthy said...

Sorry you had a bad weekend! This is a difficult journey, but you can do it!

A Journey to a new me... said...

I too feel YOU CAN DO THIS. You are strong, wise, and beautiful. You're up for the challenge and your heart is in it (110% right!!). We all have moments of weakness, where we will tumble off the wagon; however our new selves will jump up, dust off, and CHASE THAT WAGON until we are able to pull ourselves back on. I thank you for having a blog and sharing your journey with me...you help give me strength when the wagon has pulled so far ahead of me!

Lesia said...

Sam~ What can I say that you already don't know? You are way smarter than me in so many areas. And the spiritual part of you knocks me out of the water. I wish I could come live with you and Mike so we can hold on to each other in times of weakness.

I wanted to remind you that a day in time will come and go no matter what or how we ride it. So you can ride it with sorrow and pain it will never go away.(a big circle) You will always feel that way. So let go and move on to a happier ride.

Your body will do what IT wants to do. If you feed it with emotions then it will leave you with emotions. So make them happy emotions. I wish I had some magic fix it pill and I would give it to you. But I don't I can only tell you that I CARE and I AM HERE anytime you need me.

You have my digits so don't be afraid to use them. I will pray for you and I hope to see you tomorrow night sitting next to me at our meeting. Chin up girlie!!! I love you:)

PS I suck at writing my feelings in words, I would rather tell them in person.

Becky said...

I'm new to the blogging world, but I have been reading yours lately and have found your journey inspiring. you CAN do this. forget the goals and take it day by day.

I once had an Institute teacher tell me that we should take all of our struggles one week at a time. She was speaking in regards to spiritual struggles, but I think it applies to all of our struggles. She recommended that every Sunday we make a promise to ourselves to be perfect at one thing for the week. One week is manageable to us. A lifetime doesn't seem so manageable, but those weeks add up to a lifetime. I never forgot it and I try to live my life that way. I hope this helps!

Stephanie said...

Losing weight is SO hard, but I have no doubt in my mind whatsoever that you WILL reach your goal. (Maybe not by December 31st, but you WILL). The most important thing is getting there - not the amount of time it takes to do it. :) Hang in there!

Happy Fun Pants said...

I'm here - and I believe in you.

I know that you can do this...frogs or no.

((hugs))

Kari said...

You are not a frog! You are a princess in that story, my dear, and you will rise above this. If it was THAT easy that you just snapped your fingers and made the choice, you wouldn't learn as much as if there were setbacks along the way.

You have to be challenged in order to truly rise up and find the you inside. This is just the time where you get to find that person. Chin up - find the power NOW, and find the things you LOVE that are the new, exposed you!

LOVE YOU girlfriend!
xo
K