The Proof is in the Pudding

Yesterday I mentioned that I'm on a low point in my journey. I've been struggling against emotional eating and in myself. Because of the yucky eating, I haven't felt good. I've felt lethargic and tired. I hadn't realized how good I was feeling, until it was gone. Yesterday I was kind of feeling like I had lost everything I had worked so hard for. After posting about my struggles, I got up and cleaned the rest of the house. That feels SO good, you know how that really affects my mental state. Then, as I came back here to check comments (which I am totally addicted to. And while I'm on the subject, can I just say thank you for all the kind thoughts yesterday, they really meant a LOT to me!!!) I watched 266's Anniversary post. If you haven't seen this, you need to go watch it! It was so moving and just made me realize how bad I really do want this. How I know I'm going to have to fight for it... still... and how I am going to do just that. I went and put on my running clothes and in the middle of the day went out and jogged two miles straight. No stopping to walk. Granted it was just barely above a walk - it was that slow. But still... I did it. And it helped me realize I have not lost everything. Because you better believe at the beginning of this journey, I could barely come up my basement stairs, let alone jog 2 miles straight. It helped me to feel a lot better about myself and about things.

I started analyzing what happened, how I got off track. About two weeks ago, some big things happened. Some were emotional and hurtful and I don't want to dwell on them. So yes, that played it's part. But the other part was that I started thinking "I need a plan. I need to kick start things again, re-dedicate and motivate myself". So I started thinking of how I could do that. I immediately went back to what I've done in the past - to do a no sweets/fast food for 30 days. And to have an exercise plan. You know what I mean right? I'm going to do such and such on these days, and I'm going to do this on this day and blah blah blah. Well, without even realizing what was happening, all this "planning" had me thinking things like "I'd better eat this doughnut, because I won't get to for a long time". Oh and "I'd better have a burger and fries (and don't forget the fry sauce!) because I won't get them for a while either". And I just stopped working out, because the "plan" hadn't gone into affect yet, and I was waiting for the "plan". Yesterday I had some real eye opening ah-ha moments about myself.

I do need a plan. But... there needs to be some limits to the amount of "planning". When I try and regulate myself way too much, then it just doesn't work. I recently posted a comment on my good friend, Anne's blog. And I still agree with those comments. But I also see the benefit and strength in going off of what feels intuitive for your body, and I do it more often than I realized. I liken it to living the Law of Moses and the Gospel that Christ taught when he was on the earth. Both were meant to bring about the same thing. One was just super in the details, and the other was more about the spirit of the law - which actually can be harder. I think it's a good thing I was born now, and not during the time of Moses, because I think I would have really struggled with that way of living. And the same thing happens when I try to give myself all these strict laws. I can't do it. So I rebel, and then I feel like I gave up (which I did) and that I'm a failure (which I'm not) and that I can't do this (which is SO not true). As I look back over this year, I realize that for the most part I have been living the by the spirit of the law. I have followed WW for eating, which has given me some guidelines. I do need some guidelines, because honestly, I'm an addict. I'm addicted to food. Hello, my name is Sam and I have a food addiction. So the guidelines help keep me on track. But they don't really limit me. I'm allowed to have treats, I'm allowed to eat out, I'm allowed to enjoy food. I haven't had any kind of plan for exercise. I have just known that I want to do it, therefore, I did it. And, each day, I would do what I wanted to do on that day. Not because it was organized or appointed, but because it sounded fun. I'm finally acknowledging that that kind of living works for me. I think it's something that I could do for the rest of my life. The problem was that I gave into the panic of "I have to do this now because...". The truth? The truth is I don't have to do anything. That is just Satan's way of thinking and I allowed it in. Silly me. :)

So, what has come from all this? I'm bagging the idea of a workout plan. I'm just going to work out when I can and when I want to. And what I want to. I'm going to tighten up on my WW guidelines. Yesterday I bought a new cookbook (with a birthday gift card from the president of my work, love that Stampin' Up - thanks Shelli!)- the really big massive one put out by WW. I'm so excited to dig in and try some new recipes. That to me brings the food part back to life - makes it exciting! And I'm going to focus on being in tune with my body, thoughts, and words more often. I want to be more aware of what I eat and how much, I want to take more care about what I think about myself and others, and I want to be more thoughtful in what I say to others. In how I treat them, and in being a better friend. So there you have it, my not plan "plan". :) I feel really good about this. For the first time in almost a month, I feel like I'm back on my journey and going in the right direction.

This morning I got a little curious about how much I've really changed. I feel the changes on the inside. I'm a different person than I was 8 months ago. But I was also wondering about my appearance. So I pulled out some pictures and did a comparison. While the difference really does thrill me, I am so much more grateful for the spiritual and personal growth that I've had! And for the friends I've made along the way. Thank you to all of you, you are very near and dear to my heart!!

Oh, and Willow wanted to share her progress too!!