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Wednesday, August 4, 2010

Nincompoop!

That’s what I feel like after yesterday, a nincompoop!

You know, I have had an awesome July! It’s been so busy with so many fun things. We have done a lot outside (probably won’t be until this winter before you’ll get to see the pictures! :D), had some great little trips, had an amazing Stampin’ Up! Convention and got to see my lovely demonstrators! I also did really well with my eating and exercise. I’ve been running farther and a tiny bit faster than I ever thought possible. I got a heart monitor watch for my b-day that I just love! I have consistently lost weight and even eventually hit that mini goal to lose 15lbs. Woot woot! I turned 29, and have embraced where I am at in my life at this point with joy and much hope for the future.

So… all this is to say – I’ve been in a really good place! So why do I feel like a nincompoop after yesterday? Because I went off the deep end and ate everything I could lay my hands on. Literally! I don’t know where it came from, or what caused it. As I look back on it, I didn’t feel sad, or mad, or stressed, or… really any of the emotions that typically lead to those kind of actions. It just… happened. And today, I feel AWFUL! Physically, and mentally! I want to ask myself why, so that I can understand it, but… in the end, does the why really matter?

I did ask that question as I drove to work today, and I really could not pin point anything that could have set me off. The only thing I can think is that I just decided – I don’t care today. I think that the truth is I get to that point slowly, a day at a time. Which means that even though I’ve been feeling good about things and my weight loss, I have been sliding backwards in some other areas. And I guess that in itself is the why. The reason I say it doesn’t matter, is because sometimes knowing why – or wanting to know the why – can be a booby trap! I think sometimes we want so bad to understand the deeper meaning, that we get stuck there. We think that we can’t move forward and make change or let things go – until we know. But sometimes… there isn’t a deeper meaning. And if all we do is sit and try to figure it out, we won’t move forward and we lose momentum we may have had.

So what do I do next? I recognize that today is a new day the next day in my journey. And it is a clean day with no mistakes in it (yet, because I will invariably make mistakes, that's what makes me human). So I can focus on my skills that I’ve been learning this year, commit myself to eat clean today, and forgive myself for my overeating yesterday. In the beginning of this year, and really throughout pretty much my whole “weight loss” life, I would always get stuck in this cycle. It looked like this:

Think about losing weight
Plan about losing weight
Plan about losing weight
Plan about losing weight
Put plan in action lose about 20lbs
Celebrate 20lb loss with a nice binge celebratory dinner
Next day, feel sick about it, but hey, the week is shot, so I’ll just eat whatever and “start again” on Monday
Monday comes and goes… and yeah… I’m still eating!
Feel frustrated for the next two –four weeks as I pretend to still be “on plan”
Week four, finally admit it – I’ve given up
Depression sets in, I hate being depressed – I know what will make me feel better – FOOD!
3-6 months later, after gaining back the 20lbs, plus some, decide, it’s time to lose weight again
Cycle begins again with… planning about losing weight!

The good news is that even though I did this a little at the beginning of this year, my time frames were much shorter than in the past. But in the last three months, I’ve really been working on cutting out this cycle. I’m now to the point that when days like yesterday happen, I no longer think – Oh no I ruined the week, I’ll “start over” on Monday. I no longer think I’ll “start over” tomorrow even. The truth is I’ll NEVER “start over” again! Yes, there are going to be days when I mess up, or when I don’t really follow what it is my heart wants so bad. But I have found that in the “start over” frame of mind, it’s too easy to rationalize my way to more bad behavior. So instead, I acknowledge the fact that I fell down, learn from it if I can, and then pick myself up and keep going the very next day or even the very next meal if I catch myself that soon. It’s like going on a hike. If you went on a 10 mile hike (which I am on Saturday! Wish me luck!), and were almost ½ way there, and you tripped on a root and fell down, you wouldn’t say “Ohhh crap! Well, I guess I better go back to the beginning and “start over”.” No, you would pick yourself up, dust yourself off, and keep going until you reached the end. And hopefully you would learn to watch more carefully for roots!

I’m pretty excited about this shift in my thinking, because I really believe it’s has been one of my biggest downfalls in the past. But as I said, it no longer will be! So, I plan on today being a great day, and no matter what the scale says tomorrow, I’m going to make it a great weekend. One of my favorite blogs, Prior Fat Girl shared some amazing insight that she recently gained during a yoga session. If what I’ve been talking about is a struggle for you too, you should read her post. It really touched my heart and taught me that although I’ve been doing the technical things; I have not been as dedicated in the things that really matter! Focusing on patience, compassion, perseverance, and letting go. So thank you Jen for reminding me what I need to do and encouraging me to do it!!

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6 comments:

Lesia said...

I like this....especially "keep going until you reached the end. And hopefully you would learn to watch more carefully for roots!" smile.

Mom to the Fourth Power said...

I really like your analogy of going on a hike and not going clear back to the beginning to start over just because you trip. I think you are exactly right... we don't need to get into that "start over" mentality. We need to acknowledge how far we've come and put a little set back or a bad choice into perspective and SEE all of our GOOD CHOICES. Then move on. It's like in "Meet the Robinsons"... KEEP MOVING FORWARD, and keep our eye on that goal and NOT on our set backs.

You have shared a beautiful truth. :)

~Margene

Jen, a priorfatgirl said...

You are amazing.

Believe it.

Live it.

Love it.

I believe in you!

:Deliciously Healthy said...

What Jen said ;) No seriously though. You're doing so great!

Joy said...

You story sounds like my story. I too am not waiting so long to get back to my plan. I love the hiking story. Makes a lot of sense to me. You are doing so awesome!!! Keep it up my friend!! Hugs!

Vaia said...

This post speaks to me in spades! That is my cycle too!! And you are completely right in that it gives us the reasoning to stay off the wagon for days, weeks, months at a time because we'll decide to get back on there one day.

I also love the analogy of the hiking part. Great way to look at it. I have put it in my mental bank.

Have a great weekend lady!