Friday, August 6, 2010

Breath, Just Breath

Inhale 2, 3, 4, 5.... and let it go 2, 3, 4, 5. Doesn't that feel good? I seriously needed that. I've had a rough week. I've made bad decisions. Some of those decisions went from bad to worse. I think I'm having a non-period, so I'm all sorts of hormonal (what is this you ask? Well, it's a period without the bleeding. :D I swear, it's a real thing (although I don't really know if it is or not). I get all the normal side affects, I just don't have an actual period - I should look it up). Which leads to eating, munching, and I'll say it... binging. This week I began something amazing and that will change my life (which I'll tell you about in a minute), but I know that Satan doesn't want me to do it, so he has been working double time on me this week. And that worse decision I mentioned? It's because I gave into those temptations. Because of my diet this week (diet as in what I ate, not as in a "diet") made it so that I was lethargic and exhausted, and didn't exercise. So all of that combined led to a huge fight with a loved one, in which I instigated. And to top it all off, I made a big choice last week, and this week, I did not get the outcome I had hoped for. My demonstrators will not like reading this, but last week I applied for a new position at work. I didn't get it. So I feel frustrated, rejected, and a little downhearted. Oh yeah, and my pride is hurt, so what am I doing? Throwing a pity party. Okay, so there it is. All my reasons, all my excuses, all my rationalizations, and all my BS. Did you buy it? Neither do I! However, excuses or not - there is some real stuff here that I need to process and let go of.

It's been a while since I really let myself down, but this week, I totally did. And tomorrow, I'm going to pay for it. Liana and I are going for a 10 mile hike and it's going to kick my butt. The last time I ate horribly and hiked, it was HARD. So I expect tomorrow to do me in. But I'm going to do it anyway.

So.... Let me break a few of these things down. Mostly, I'm doing this to help myself process these thoughts, feelings, and experiences. I need to get past this. So, if you want to come along for the ride, I'd love the company. :) Just maybe I'll help someone going through this too.

Being hormonal flat out sucks. There is just no getting around that! The one good thing about actually having a period, at least you know what's going on. You can prepare yourself for it and take steps to manage it. For me, 1/2 the time I don't realize what's going on until it's been about 4 days. Case and point - this week! But... I have always been a believer that you do not get to use your hormones as an excuse to be a witch on wheels or rather, a broom. So... if I have hurt any one's feelings this week - and I know I have - I truly apologize. To the person I fought with, I'm so so so sorry (don't worry, I also apologized in person, numerous times). And now that I recognize whats going on, I'm going to work on being aware of it and manage it.

The really great thing that has Satan at my back? In my church, the Church of Jesus Christ of Later Day Saints, the members handle all of the administration and teaching. So we are given what are called callings. Every Sunday I teach in the primary and Mike works with the young men. Well we were recently given another calling that is very special. We were asked to work one day a week in one of our temples. This is such a privilege and we are really excited about it. We will be at the Jordan River temple on Tuesday evenings. So this week we had our orientation to learn about our responsibilities. It was a great experience. As mentioned, Satan has been working hard on me and the whole day before we went I was feeling awful. I kept having thoughts that I didn't want to go or do it. I even misplaced my temple recommend (a piece of paper that admits me into the temple). But... finally everything was settled and I was there. And it was quiet. And peaceful. And reverent. And really the only good thing that came out of this week. At one point there was a woman speaking to us and she bore her testimony of God and Christ. And how she felt inadequate to do what the Lord had asked her to do (ever feel like that? I do, almost daily) and her husband said something to her that I just loved. He said "With Christ, you can do anything". Isn't that powerful. I was so touched by the spirit, my heart filled with it. I instantly felt His love for me, His strength, His peace. I knew that He loves me, I felt of His happiness at the path I'm on, and His desire for me to continue and that He will help me. And continue I shall, in spite of this hiccup this week.

And lastly, the job. You know, I really debated about whether or not I should apply for it or not. It was a ssupervisor position over the team I am currently on.The truth is I love what I do. But I do want to grow, make more money, and have a bigger impact. It was a really really really hard decision. Especially because it wasn't just about me. I had to make sure that I was doing the right thing for yes, myself as an individual, but also for our family, for my demonstrators, and for my co-workers. In the last hour right before my interview, I finally decided that I was going through with it. I nailed the interview! Then we waited.... these things always take time, right? Every day, practically every hour, I would think, "Did I do the right thing"? And sometimes the answer was yes. And sometimes it was no. By the time I received the call today to speak with the manager, I was so tied in knots, I didn't know what way was up. As I walked in the room, I knew. I knew I didn't get it. And I also knew that it was the Lord's will and that the right person was chosen. Doesn't mean it didn't hurt, or that I didn't feel rejected. Or that my pride (stupid pride) won't need some time. So for now, I move onward and upward. I work through the emotions, I do what I need to to support the new supervisor, and look for other ways to have impact and to grow.

Well, the truth of it all? I sold out this week. I let other things matter more than my health and my goals. I hurt loved ones, I let myself down, and maybe even you. At this point, all I can do is ask for forgiveness. From those I hurt, from myself, and from you. The hardest is myself, we're always the hardest on ourselves. I wonder why that is? Maybe it's because we know. Deep down, we know we could have done better. We could have managed our feelings better. We could have thought before we spoke. Or before we raised the food to our mouths. And we didn't. Well, this life is about making mistakes and learning, right? Well apparently I needed lots of lessons this week. :)

Thanks for listening, sorry for the downer post. I'm going to sign off and go clean my house. That always makes things brighter! And then, I'm going to go hiking in the morning and burn off all the extra calories, and some steam. Hopefully I'll find some perspective on that beautiful mountain and get to share it with you tomorrow. Have a good night!



karen said...

I definitely believe in (and know the agony of) the non-period! Hopefully this coming week (and the weeks to come) will be a gazillion times better *hugs*

Lesia said...

I know you WILL pull yourself out of this set back. You always seem to anyways. I am here for you if you ever need anything. You are a wonderful person and I am honored to have met you. smile.

dawne said...

Sorry that you had so much yucky stuff in one week. I love how you're working it through in writing. It's so therapeutic, eh?

Isn't great to have victory over Satan?

:Deliciously Healthy said...

I have non-periods all the time! In fact, I think I just had me one ;)

keep your chin up, and "Believe in Yourself" xoxo

Weight loss is NO FAIRY TALE said...

You're not alone!! I've been having a non-period for like 10 days. Today I started clean again, and I'm lovin it!! =D

Traci said...

And just think of how much you learned in the process. And sometimes that can be enough. I got the chills when I read the quote from him (which is a quote from the bible). Good reminder.

ladyofthehouse said...

I'm sorry you had such a icky week! I pray this week will be much better for you and that you'll continue to feel the Lords presence, love and direction!!