I conquered, I panicked, I cheated, I started, and I finished

I conquered:
I am a chicken. Plain and simple! Scary things and I do not mix. Scary things such as riding down a frozen mountainside with two pieces of wood strapped to my feet. Or with both my feet strapped to the same piece of wood. Or like going to the swimming pool and throwing yourself off of building sized platforms into the water. Why would anyone to do that? And I’ve never understood the desire to put myself in a bathing suit (scary enough on its own) and climb a bazillion flights of stairs, only to throw myself onto a wet slide and send myself to my death (okay I probably wouldn’t die, but still….). Seriously, you can ask Liana, my best friend of 22 years, and she will tell you what a wimp I was growing up. We would go to our favorite pool which had a regular diving board and a high dive (although I have since been educated by Mike that what I consider the high board, is not the high board, but whatever. For my story, it’s the high board). I would go up and down the ladder of the high board probably about 20 times until the life guard would finally yell at me and I’d throw myself off the end in embarrassment – yes I would usually scream on the 2 second drop as well.

Well one of the biggest things I’ve always been terrified of – water parks. I’ve never felt super comfortable in the water, and for some reason water parks bring up some big fears. My brother and sister in law invited us to go with them to 7 Peaks on Saturday and guess what; I went on just about ALL the rides!!! Including three of the scariest, tallest, fastest, straight down, weggie givin’ rides they had!!!! This was a HUGE moment for me! My brother took videos of it and you will totally crack up at the screaming! Seriously, when I went down “Free Fall” (could that name be worse?) I screamed so loud that everyone on top thought someone had been hurt and ran to the side to see what happened! Hahahaha. Anyway, it was way fun, and I can’t believe I let all those silly fears stop me from doing something so fun for so long! Watch for a post to come with pics and videos soon!

I panicked:
So I’ve been going along this week, working out this intuitive eating, and I am finding it hard to not panic. I have either not cared, or restricted myself for so long, I realize that my ideas of food are really out of whack. Also, my worth in relation to food is really out of whack. My goodness, from all my posts, why would anyone try this?! Haha. Really don’t judge it off of me. Or maybe do, I don’t know! :D So the panic keeps creeping in as I realize I’m not eating well, and I can feel my clothes just a little tighter than they were. But then I have to keep reminding myself that this week I am focusing on my hunger signals, and that’s all. I’m not making any judgments about my food choices – I don’t have to do that anymore. There is no bad food and good food. There is just food. I do recognize that some food will have much more nutritional value and I honestly and truly believe if I can just stick with this, and not panic, and run away, that my body, heart, and mind will naturally start to gravitate to those foods. I have noticed a large decline in my water intake, and my fruits and veggies. So I am setting a very loose guideline that I get in at least a fruit or veggie with every meal. That doesn’t mean I’ll limit what else I eat, jut that I’ll try to have both. Also, that I at least get in my 8 glasses of water so I stay hydrated. I read an awesome post today from Honoring Health about the first few weeks of doing this (and why people bail), and that made me feel better. Because it’s really hard to distinguish the difference between not restricting yourself, while at the same time listening to what your body wants, not judging that choice, and yet having all these other ideas of food in your head from all the different diets I’ve done over the years. My goodness, I’m just a babbling fool lately!

I cheated:
Because of the whole panicking thing, I cheated yesterday and got on the scale. I’m sorry. I was home alone and it just would not leave me alone. Seriously, it just followed me all over the house calling my name – it was kind of creepy really. I mean who is this scale to think it’s so important that it can have that kind of power over me? But actually, it turned out to be a good thing. Not because the number was what I was hoping for, or because I was down, or because it validated my value as a human being, etc. It was good because amidst my panicking, I had talked myself into thinking that I had gained tons of weight and that I shouldn’t be doing this and that this is all a bunch of hooey. But guess what, that was that little devil, or what Geneen Roth calls the Voice. It was LYING to me. I really hate when people lie. So that stupid voice, it was lying, and I had been listening to the garbage it was telling me. But now… I know what it really was. And getting on the scale was just the feedback I needed to snap me back to reality.

Now I do recognize two things could have potentially gone wrong with getting on the scale – one, I could have been up as much as I was expecting which possibly could have validated my panic and sent me into a further tail spin. I prepared myself for that. I was prepared to be with my body, to be in the moment, to go through those feelings, to see what it looked like and what it all meant. But I didn’t have to deal with that. What I hadn’t prepared myself for was “Wow, I haven’t gained any weight!! Yeah!! Hmm… guess that means I can just keep eating”. Luckily, I was aware in the moment I had that thought, and was able to put a stop to it right in its tracks!!! It’s true that yes, I can keep eating – when my body is hungry!! (Which was not the intent behind that first thought!) Overall, I’m glad I cheated. It’s calmed me down and taken me out of panic mode. I feel better prepared to trust myself, and will do my very best to not get on it again until the 20th.

I started:
So guess who came for a visit! Aunt Flow! It has been a year since she and I have visited, and I have to be honest – I didn’t miss her!! But… it is comforting to know that my body is working still, just on its own schedule. Also it wasn’t lost on me that it happened just as I made this switch to trusting my body and myself. Interesting!

I finished:
I finished Geneen Roth’s Women Food and God book (and I think I can finally remember the title. I kept getting the name all mixed up). Whew. This is a book I will need to read about 3-4 times before I really understand all that I read. It is very deep, so if you decide to read it, be ready for that. Also be ready for some swearing (not a ton, but if you’re like me and not accustomed to any, then even a little can be shocking). Overall, I loved the book. Loved the principles. And am excited to love myself again! So, if you were to ask me, “Should I read this book”? The answer would be yes, I think everyone should read this book. Even if you’re not really into the intuitive eating idea, and even though her ideas on God are a little different, I still think you would find value. Because everyone, no matter what diet they are or are not on, could benefit from learning how to listen to their hunger signals, how to recognize and challenge their “Voice” (those demon thoughts we all seem to have about ourselves), and how to be able to overcome overeating by being with our feelings instead of stuffing them with their food.



Lesia said…
You ARE a whimp...LOL I love doing anything dangerous or fun. I wish I could sky dive. Glad you had fun at 7 Peaks. I like that park.

Glad you are enjoying the new journey you are following. smile.
Patrick said…
Water parks are a blast; I cannot wait until next summer as I plan to feel comfortable enough to give them a try again.

Yes, so unfortunate but yes; there is som much more bad food out there than good. It makes eating good hard, but, stillwe can. We just have to work at it.
I'm glad to hear that things are going well for you. I think I would have the same voice telling me things and I would step on the scale but I also know that you can stay away from the scale if you really try. Good luck! :)
Jessica said…
I love this post!

I tried to stop weighing myself at one point and then decided that it was not very intuitive to tell myself that I "cannot" weigh myself. Instead I approached it in a more gentle way. I don't need to weigh myself every day, but I can if I want to. Once it was no longer off limits - I thought about it less.

I love your insight when it comes to intuitive eating and accepting and loving yourself. It is not black and white, which is what we are used to in the dieting world. It is a whole lot more interpretive - it gives us a lot more freedom. It allows us to trust ourselves, instead of telling us that we can't trust ourselves.

I am happy to hear that you are feeling strong and it sounds like you have made a lot of steps forward!
Anonymous said…
Good for you for having fun at the water park Sam!

Water parks always scared me. I could kind of cover myself up until I got wet, then as soon as I looked around and starting comparing myself to others, all hell broke loose . . . I wonder if that will happen these days.

How funny that aunt flow has paid you a visit once you started trusting your body. That's gotta tell you somethings working right?

I'm so glad you are taking this leap of faith and diving into IE. It's great how you have been living in the same world the whole time, but the new view makes all the difference. It's definitely a growing experience and I'm right there with you!
Kelsey said…
Sam I will be in SLC on Fri!! What is your phone number. Lets get together. I will be there all day. Jason's brother is getting married and everything is happening up there. So really I will be there ALL day and night. My number is the same 949-413-5462. call me text me xoxo ps you look FABULOUS!!
Water parks freak me out too! Good job for conquering your fear!
Sam, I love you so much. I know that this week has been hard. I thank you for keeping me going and encouraging me to continue towards my goal, which out in the open is to complete a Half Iron Man in 2011. I just want to say that as a spouse of such a great woman it is hard for me to keep my eating in line since you have changed. I have had to watch and listen to my body to. So, you are not alone!!! Love you babe!

p.s. My ears are still ringing from that one ride, remember?
Happy Fun Pants said…
YAY! I am SO proud of you and all of the changes you're considering and conquering.

I also have panicked - because when you've been told for SO LONG that you can't succeed without dieting, counting, or feeling guilty, it's so hard to let go of it. I'm definitely going to read the blog that you linked to too.

Thanks again - and YAY for you! :)


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