I conquered, I panicked, I cheated, I started, and I finished
I am a chicken. Plain and simple! Scary things and I do not mix. Scary things such as riding down a frozen mountainside with two pieces of wood strapped to my feet. Or with both my feet strapped to the same piece of wood. Or like going to the swimming pool and throwing yourself off of building sized platforms into the water. Why would anyone to do that? And I’ve never understood the desire to put myself in a bathing suit (scary enough on its own) and climb a bazillion flights of stairs, only to throw myself onto a wet slide and send myself to my death (okay I probably wouldn’t die, but still….). Seriously, you can ask Liana, my best friend of 22 years, and she will tell you what a wimp I was growing up. We would go to our favorite pool which had a regular diving board and a high dive (although I have since been educated by Mike that what I consider the high board, is not the high board, but whatever. For my story, it’s the high board). I would go up and down the ladder of the high board probably about 20 times until the life guard would finally yell at me and I’d throw myself off the end in embarrassment – yes I would usually scream on the 2 second drop as well.
Well one of the biggest things I’ve always been terrified of – water parks. I’ve never felt super comfortable in the water, and for some reason water parks bring up some big fears. My brother and sister in law invited us to go with them to 7 Peaks on Saturday and guess what; I went on just about ALL the rides!!! Including three of the scariest, tallest, fastest, straight down, weggie givin’ rides they had!!!! This was a HUGE moment for me! My brother took videos of it and you will totally crack up at the screaming! Seriously, when I went down “Free Fall” (could that name be worse?) I screamed so loud that everyone on top thought someone had been hurt and ran to the side to see what happened! Hahahaha. Anyway, it was way fun, and I can’t believe I let all those silly fears stop me from doing something so fun for so long! Watch for a post to come with pics and videos soon!
So I’ve been going along this week, working out this intuitive eating, and I am finding it hard to not panic. I have either not cared, or restricted myself for so long, I realize that my ideas of food are really out of whack. Also, my worth in relation to food is really out of whack. My goodness, from all my posts, why would anyone try this?! Haha. Really don’t judge it off of me. Or maybe do, I don’t know! :D So the panic keeps creeping in as I realize I’m not eating well, and I can feel my clothes just a little tighter than they were. But then I have to keep reminding myself that this week I am focusing on my hunger signals, and that’s all. I’m not making any judgments about my food choices – I don’t have to do that anymore. There is no bad food and good food. There is just food. I do recognize that some food will have much more nutritional value and I honestly and truly believe if I can just stick with this, and not panic, and run away, that my body, heart, and mind will naturally start to gravitate to those foods. I have noticed a large decline in my water intake, and my fruits and veggies. So I am setting a very loose guideline that I get in at least a fruit or veggie with every meal. That doesn’t mean I’ll limit what else I eat, jut that I’ll try to have both. Also, that I at least get in my 8 glasses of water so I stay hydrated. I read an awesome post today from Honoring Health about the first few weeks of doing this (and why people bail), and that made me feel better. Because it’s really hard to distinguish the difference between not restricting yourself, while at the same time listening to what your body wants, not judging that choice, and yet having all these other ideas of food in your head from all the different diets I’ve done over the years. My goodness, I’m just a babbling fool lately!
Because of the whole panicking thing, I cheated yesterday and got on the scale. I’m sorry. I was home alone and it just would not leave me alone. Seriously, it just followed me all over the house calling my name – it was kind of creepy really. I mean who is this scale to think it’s so important that it can have that kind of power over me? But actually, it turned out to be a good thing. Not because the number was what I was hoping for, or because I was down, or because it validated my value as a human being, etc. It was good because amidst my panicking, I had talked myself into thinking that I had gained tons of weight and that I shouldn’t be doing this and that this is all a bunch of hooey. But guess what, that was that little devil, or what Geneen Roth calls the Voice. It was LYING to me. I really hate when people lie. So that stupid voice, it was lying, and I had been listening to the garbage it was telling me. But now… I know what it really was. And getting on the scale was just the feedback I needed to snap me back to reality.
Now I do recognize two things could have potentially gone wrong with getting on the scale – one, I could have been up as much as I was expecting which possibly could have validated my panic and sent me into a further tail spin. I prepared myself for that. I was prepared to be with my body, to be in the moment, to go through those feelings, to see what it looked like and what it all meant. But I didn’t have to deal with that. What I hadn’t prepared myself for was “Wow, I haven’t gained any weight!! Yeah!! Hmm… guess that means I can just keep eating”. Luckily, I was aware in the moment I had that thought, and was able to put a stop to it right in its tracks!!! It’s true that yes, I can keep eating – when my body is hungry!! (Which was not the intent behind that first thought!) Overall, I’m glad I cheated. It’s calmed me down and taken me out of panic mode. I feel better prepared to trust myself, and will do my very best to not get on it again until the 20th.
So guess who came for a visit! Aunt Flow! It has been a year since she and I have visited, and I have to be honest – I didn’t miss her!! But… it is comforting to know that my body is working still, just on its own schedule. Also it wasn’t lost on me that it happened just as I made this switch to trusting my body and myself. Interesting!
I finished Geneen Roth’s Women Food and God book (and I think I can finally remember the title. I kept getting the name all mixed up). Whew. This is a book I will need to read about 3-4 times before I really understand all that I read. It is very deep, so if you decide to read it, be ready for that. Also be ready for some swearing (not a ton, but if you’re like me and not accustomed to any, then even a little can be shocking). Overall, I loved the book. Loved the principles. And am excited to love myself again! So, if you were to ask me, “Should I read this book”? The answer would be yes, I think everyone should read this book. Even if you’re not really into the intuitive eating idea, and even though her ideas on God are a little different, I still think you would find value. Because everyone, no matter what diet they are or are not on, could benefit from learning how to listen to their hunger signals, how to recognize and challenge their “Voice” (those demon thoughts we all seem to have about ourselves), and how to be able to overcome overeating by being with our feelings instead of stuffing them with their food.