When I Grow Up...

This was a song that I listened to when I was a little girl. (I don't want to hear any snarky comments about brainwashing! :D) Funny thing is, when I was a little girl babies were the farthest thing from my mind! I am the youngest of three. So I never took care of younger siblings. And because I was the youngest of my neighborhood girls, by the time I was old enough to babysit everyone already had babysitters. So there were like two families I tended for sometimes, and they were older kids.

My first diaper I ever changed? I threw up afterward! Now granted, it was a 3 year old's diaper, but still.

When I was like twelve and suppose to be gaga over babies - I would hide from them. When I would go to young women's if there were babies all the other girls would be fighting over who got to hold them next. Not me! I wasn't interested.

I had one young women's leader that would make me hold her baby. And there was a baby that I really loved to hold on my mission. But other than that... well yeah. That's about the extent of my baby experience.

It wasn't until we had been married a year or two before all of sudden I got hit in the head with baby hunger. I just couldn't get over them. Everywhere I went, it was all I saw. Babies, baby stuff, baby clothes, pregnant women, etc. I still didn't want to hold babies. Not because I really didn't want to, but because I was scared. I felt awkward and stupid about the fact that I felt awkward! Shouldn't every woman know how to hold a baby? I don't. Still don't really. I will hold one if I am sitting down. I hate the pass off - that's the worst!!

Anyway you get the picture, right?

Well, even though I'm clueless about babies and kids, I want one more than anything. We've been not protecting for about 4 years. But we haven't done any fertility. We will. And if we can't get prego, we will adopt.

This year has been about finding myself. I've lost about 40lbs, I'm much more spiritual and aware of myself then I've been, probably ever. I'm happy, I have happy thoughts, and I love my life. I still have a long way to go to be the woman I want to be for the the people I love, but I'm getting there. But there is still something missing. I still yearn to be a mom. I still yearn to give hugs and kisses, kiss scraped knees, and give away yellow balloons! I know that every mom who is reading this right now, is rolling their eyes.

There is a couple of upsides to having children later, one of which you get to watch all your friends have kids first. So you get to learn from their mistakes! :D Thanks ya'll! I have done a lot of watching in the last four years and this I know - being a mom is not all hugs and kisses. It is exhausting, frustrating, harder then anything I've done up until now. I get that. But I still want it!!

There is this couple in our ward (church) that had been trying to get pregnant for 9 years. They finally adopted the sweetest little boy about a year and 1/2 ago (who funny enough, looks just like them). At our Halloween party I saw her and realized she is pregnant. I asked her about it in the hall way (with tons of people around) and she told me they were preparing for their second adoption this summer when she found out she was pregnant! I got so excited for her I just gave her a big hug and started crying (again, with tons of people around, I felt really silly!). Sure, partly they were sad-jealous tears if I'm honest. But more than that they were happy-hopeful tears. Happy for her that she gets to have her dream come true, hopeful for us. I know that Heavenly Father has heard their prayers and that he will hear ours too!

I've been feeling very strongly about something for a while now, I've decided to act on it. This is one of those projects I've been alluding to in the last couple of posts. I feel really silly when I tell people about it, but I feel like it is really important for me to do and that the Spirit is telling me so. Part of this year was getting to know myself, yes. But another part of it is preparing to be a better mother than I would have been. And I think part of that should be learning about children, and babies, and taking care of them. There is another family in our ward that I really look up to! They have six children and are amazing parents!! I especially look up to Jeanette. I've watched her in sacrament meeting with her kids. She is always SO patient and kind to them. Even when they are throwing a tantrum and just being naughty. She just quietly whispers to them, never gets frustrated (I'm sure that's not true, I think all mothers must get frustrated! But she hides it very well!). That is the kind of mom I want to learn how to be.

And learn it I will have to do! I get so frustrated with Willow, my dog, so I'm sure that I am going to have to learn to keep my temper under control, learn to hide my impatience, and to be kind even when I feel like yelling. But I really really do not want to be a yelling mom.

Anyway, Jeannette just had a baby not to long ago. So I've asked her if I could come over a couple of hours each week and she can teach me some things about babies, and about being a mom. I think she was excited, and I know I am. While I felt so silly asking "can you teach me to be a mom" it feels right. I hope to get to the point that she can leave the kids with me and they can go out. I want to say here that my own mom has taught me a lot about being a great mom! She is loving and kind as well, and very service oriented. So I feel like I already been given a great example, and have a very good foundation to grow from.

For anyone who has struggled to get pregnant, you will understand how painful it is. How hard it is to go to baby showers, and even to church sometimes. I had to force myself to go to the Halloween party (where we took 1st place for our Chili, by the way!!!) because I knew I would see so many cute little families. How you have to hurry past the baby section in Wal-mart or Target, because if you don't, you'll find yourself wandering through the clothes while your heart is being twisted inside out.

But you know, even with all that, I feel like this year has given me a lot of perspective. I'm actually glad I haven't had kids up until now. Because I know that I will be a much better mommy then I would have been. I still will fall on my face... a lot... but it will be better for my children that I have had some time to grow up. And now, I thank my Father every day for that time! And I know, being a parent is around the corner, and I'd better finish getting ready (well, as ready as one can be for something that you can never really be ready for!)!!