Thursday, November 11, 2010

I want to live it!

So Willow got a new toy, she turned one! And yes, we're going to have a party, I just don't know when. That's right, I'm throwing a birthday party for my dog. Leave me alone. ;) Anyway... 

I'm sitting here reading blogs, and realize she is whining (and probably has been for 5 minutes) for me to throw her toy. I bend down to pick it up, but it's not there. I ask her "Where is it?" and she runs under the desk to find it. She comes prancing out with it in her mouth and ready for me to throw it. 

That is how I have been with this whole healthy eating thing. I'm whinning and whining and hoping it will work, and crying because it's not. But if someone were to ask me "where is it" or "what are you doing" I'm afraid I'd have to wonder off to go find it before I could answer. In other words, I spoke of honoring my hunger on Sunday, and that is where I left it. Oh, I've done a little here and a little there. I've done some reading, and granted I've been really sick this week. But ultimately, I'm not trying. There, I said it. I'm not giving my all, and haven't been for quite some time. I want to be giving it all, I sit and watch my all, and think of it and picture what it looks like in my minds eye. But... sad face here - I haven't been living it. 

I had a really interesting conversation with Mike and my father in law the other day. We were talking about religion and what it means to be a true disciple. We also had a very provoking discussion on what it means to "find yourself" or to "lose yourself" but that is for another day. We were talking about when God gives us a commandment, (and I'm paraphrasing the entire conversation here, so bear with me) there are three reasons we would obey it. 

One, fear. We fear what would happen if we didn't, or the consequences of what would happen if we don't do it. 

Two, the blessings. We want the blessings so we do what we are asked. Sometimes this want comes from greed, and other times I think it comes from a very sincere need for blessings. And sometimes it comes from just a want to have a better life. Be it spiritually, physically, financially or whatever. I don't believe wanting blessings is in poor form, but I do think that sometimes we (and by we I mean me) get too focused on "what's in it for me".

Three, faith and true devotion. We do as we are asked, not because of the promise of more, but for the love in our heart. Just as a child submits to a parent, we submit to God. 

(I need to state here that I am merely observing these options. This is not meant as a judgment on anyone, or even myself. Heavens knows I have lived my life coming from all three places at one time or another.)

I've been contemplating all this since Saturday. And yesterday as I was reading Intuitive Eating, I applied the same concept to my body. I started thinking about why we treat our body one way or another. After all, is not our body a gift from God? I believe that it is. I believe that he wants us to treat ourselves and bodies with respect and love. I believe that eating the way I do sometime is selfish and greedy. And that when I talk to myself in such a irreverent and cruel way, I am hurting Him too. So why do I want to be healthy? Why do I want to learn to be an intuitive eater? 

One, fear. I fear gaining more weight. I fear the consequences that could bring, like never being able to have children. Never feeling comfortable in my own skin. Never being able to play with my kids - to ride bikes, hike, swim, etc. The possibility of cutting my life short because of my poor health. The likely hood of passing on my habits to my children. (Interestingly enough as I thought of several "nevers" I thought, no I could still do that. Even if I gain weight, I can still be and feel sexy. I can still love life and be happy. I think so often we pin WAY to much on being thin or skinny.)

Two, the blessings. As stated above, sometimes this is a good thing. It's wanting better health by the numbers. Lower cholesterol, lower blood pressure, balanced hormones (what would that be like?), etc. Sometimes it is a more selfish thing, like just wanting to like what you see in the mirror. Wanting to be able to go shopping and not have to leave in tears. Or wanting to prove to everyone who ever said you couldn't do it, that you can.

Three, faith and true devotion. As I've written this, I've discovered that three is really just a little of one and a little of two all mixed together with a strong dose of faith and love. Fear isn't always a bad thing. And blessings are there for a reason. When it comes to my body? I don't want to take care of it so that I can just avoid future regrets. I don't want to take care of it just so that I can have what I think I've always wanted because I think it will give me the happiness I "never" knew. I want to be healthy and treat myself well, because I deserve it. Because I am a good person and I am worthy of being honored and respected. I can make these healthy decisions because I love my body and cherish it. And I want to be able to share it with my loved ones now, and for a really long time.

So once again, I am committing to love myself. To honor my body. To cherish what God so lovingly gave me. And hope that this time it will stick for more than an hour. :D



A Journey to a new me... said...

Great great post...very insightful. I have struggled with much of this and am very thankful that I'm learning! :O)

Tell Willow "happy birthday" but to keep the party under wraps! If my pup (who I lovingly consider a child) found out that someone else got a party and not him; I'd be in the dog house for sure!

fatgirlwearingthin said...

Sam, I would totally come to your dog's party ;)
As far as the fear of gaining weight, I can assure you that we ALL feel that way (yes, I speak for everyone who's lost it - I'm that confident). You are feeling what's normal in our situation; but you are recognizing it, and that is the gift - you have that fear front and center; that will help you stay focused.

ladyofthehouse said...

Happy Birthday to Willow! :)
Great post! I can totally relate to what you are going through.
Praying that each day you make great choices for you. :)

Joy said...

This whole thing is a process. Everyday, if we are focused, we get a little closer to our goals. For me I have to remind myself, it's not a race, it's a lifestyle. Everyday I do my best, I work really hard and then the rest is up to the Lord. He knows what's I need each day. For me, I just rest in that. I find peace and joy each day knowing He's in control and working every thing out.

Look for His peace and joy in ALL things....

I love you my friend. Sending a ton of hugs your way!!!

Keep focused!!!