Wednesday, July 14, 2010

Am I Crazy?!

Wait... don't answer that! :D (Sorry, another long post!)

Well I'm feeling better. I got to give mom lots of big hugs and we had a little cry together. I'm hoping to hang out with her sometime in August. One of my good friends posted a comment about being happy with yourself where your at in this moment. And she is so right! So I just wanted to clarify that while I do long to be a mother, I absolutely LOVE where I am in life! I'm healthier than I've been in years, I actually feel beautiful and like my body, my relationship with Mike is wonderful and loving, I've made amends with people that I had estranged myself from, I love my job, and I have a strong testimony. And most of all, I know that God loves me and I love me. She brings up such an important point and I thank her for bringing it up!

So a quick NSV. Mike had a friend come over on Saturday so Mike could help him with his car stereo. He brought his 5 year old over and she watched movies while they did it and I cleaned the house. Around 5 I asked her if she was hungry and she said she was.  I offered her either sugar free (didn't tell her that part) applesauce, string cheese, or an apple. I was so excited about it, because I have always worried about teaching my children to make healthy choices. And for so long, I didn't really know how I was going to do that. Now I do, because we just eat healthy in this house. So really, there won't be any other option, and that made me smile!

So I went to the gyno today. First time in two years... I know I know, I'm hanging my head in shame. Last year just seemed to get away from me. A good friend of mine skipped a year, and this year when she went back, she had cancer. So I decided it was time to go. I have always struggled with this, because I've had a hard time finding a doctor. But my cousin pointed me to some that she knew of. Although I wasn't able to see them, they sent me to their midwives and I had the best experience! The doctor that helped me was fantastic. Before my examine she sat with me for about 20-30 minutes and just talked about my health, any and all questions I had, and helped me come up with a plan. I REALLY appreciated that because usually they are SO fast and don't answer my questions or take time to understand.

She told me that because I haven't actually been trying for a year while menstruating and ovulating, that technically I'm not considered "infertile" yet. If you didn't read my post about my history on this subject, click here to read All In the Lord's time. In a way, that was kind of deflating - I mean maybe I'm not clinically infertile, but that doesn't take away the fact that for about 4 years I've wanted a baby and have not protected. But... in some ways it's also encouraging, because it means that there is hope for me yet! :D

So the reason I asked if I was crazy is because she wanted to put me on a drug called Metforman, and I turned her down. She said this drug would one, help me to have periods and ovulate, two help me lose weight faster, and three help with any symptoms of diabetes. I don't have diabetes. But because of my weight, I'm at risk. But I turned it down, and I feel really good about my decision.

Back in November I was at my heaviest point - probably about 264ish, and I was depressed, downhearted, brokenhearted, lost, and at my wits end. I felt alone, powerless, and frustrated. It seemed like no matter what I did, I couldn't get my head around anything. A friend suggested I look into getting a gastric bypass. I seriously considered it and was almost decided to do it. I went to a class to learn all about the different options, the risks, and the benefits. Like I said, I had almost decided on it, when we found out that the insurance we had just switched to not even a month before, didn't cover it (and what was really a kicker, the one we switched from - did!). Again, I was devastated. I really looked at that surgery as my saving grace, and now, I had to look at other avenues.

In hindsight, I know that I was not meant to have the surgery, and I'm glad I didn't do it. I know there is a lot of negative thoughts and feelings out there about it, and a lot of judgement. I encourage you not to judge those that choose to go that route. I have several friends that have done it (and had great success!! Congrats to them!!!) and let me tell you - it is not the easy way out! It's just a different way! And just like anything else out there, it's not an easy fix. They still change their life, just as I have had to change mine. So what I say here, I do NOT say in judgement of anyone else's choices or path, I'm just telling you about my personal experience.

For me, I think I would have continued to struggle with my weight because I was looking for the easy fix. And boy, would I have been in for a surprise! :) Doing it with diet and exercise is slower, but it's allowed me the time I needed to let my heart and my head lose with my body as well. I think if I had just lost all that weight super fast, I wouldn't have had the time to heal my soul. And for me, that has been the key.

I feel the same way about the drug now. Yes, it would be nice to lose faster - but I'm not sure that faster is in my best interest right now. And, I want to get to the end of this and say that I was able to do it with the strength of the Lord and on my own merits and efforts. I've set a LOT of goals through out the years, and I've not achieved very many of them. This is one that I feel is within my grasp, so I don't want to take away from that with a drug.

And as I mentioned a couple of posts ago, I'm actually glad that I haven't had children up to this point in my life. I now understand it, and want to finish this journey before starting that new one. So if it helps me ovulate, I could get pregnant - which wouldn't be a bad thing necessarily. How I said it to a friend tonight, is that I want to get to my goal. And if in the process, I naturally get pregnant - then of COURSE I'll be ecstatic! But if I'm going to do it with the aide of drugs and such, then I need that to be on my (and the Lord's of course) time table, and right now, I'm just not ready.

So I turned it down. Because I'm no longer desperate or powerless (I never was powerless, I just thought I was). I'm happy and strong! And I plan to continue being that way!  



Lesia said...

I think you did the RIGHT thing for you at this time/phase of your

Sarah (Fat Little Legs) said...

I take Metformin. It isn't a weight loss drug, and I don't really believe it would make you lose necessarily quicker, but I have PCOS and it has really helped with some of the hormonal issues I've had, and also has helped me not be so hungry. I am not diabetic, but I have insulin resistance, and my body doesn't want to process sugars correctly if that makes any sense. It also helps in some people to restore regular cycles and helps with TTC. I'm hoping by just using it that I will be able to get pregantn without Clomid this time. Anyways... sounds like you made a good decision for you at this point, but if you have any questions about Metformin in the future let me know, as I have had an awesome experience with it.

Sam said...

Sarah, thanks for the info, that's good to know! I hope you know, there is no judgement for you either. I was really concerned that in writing this post I would offend someone that is taking either it, or another drug. So I hope you didn't take offense. I just meant that for me it's not right - right now. If I get down more and find out that my body still is not working right, I'll be taking the necessary drugs to get it to work. I'm glad that it's been helpful for you! Thanks for your comment!

ladyofthehouse said...

I think it's great that you are feeling clearly led on this by the Lord! I will pray for continued peace while waiting for His timing.
Diane :)

Vaia said...

A very good friend of mine had gastric bypass surgery and she looks and feels fantastic. At the time though, I was annoyed with her decision thinking it was an easy way out. If she really was interested in losing weight, she should eat well and exercise like others do. I was horribly judgemental and always pride myself on never judging people so harshly. We all carry our own burdens. In the end, I figured out that my judgement stemmed from me being envious of her weight loss. However, I am happy with the way I have decided to lose weight. My method works for me as your method will work for you. Keep it up buttercup!

Happy Fun Pants said...

Man, I am SO proud of the fact that you're deciding what is best for you, and your hubby, and your future babies RIGHT NOW.

You're not waning or depending heavily on other's opinions.

It sounds like you know yourself and

Great name for a blog, huh?? :)

Way to go - you have much to be proud of!

Lindsay said...

I think your great! only you know your body and what is best for it so kudos to you for doing whats right for YOU!!!

The Warner Corner said...

Addison is on Metformin. Her insulin levels are through the roof. It's a drug to help that NOT weight loss or infertility. My sister has PCOS and was on it too.

julielopez3 said...

Congrats on making it in for your yearly! That's important not to miss.
My husband takes metformin for his type II diabetes. It won't really help you lose weight it is a drug
that works by decreasing the amount of glucose that your liver makes on its own. It also works by making the cells in your body more sensitive to the insulin in your body.
I am surprised the midwife tried to endorse it as a drug that would help you lose faster. Glad to hear you didn't buy into it.
Truthfully Jose has cut is in half by losing weight but not with the help of the drug. It's by doing it the right way just like you are.
Keep it up!

Joy said...

Sam ~ You are an inspiration!!!

I too considered Gastric Bypass. However after much research I realized, there's a lot of work to do and changes that need to be made after surgery - you have to change your lifestyle to make it work. You don't just get the surgery and get skinny, you have to eat right and exercise. So I decided that if I had to change my lifestyle to do the surgery, then I might as well change my lifestyle and do this with exercise & a healthy die without having the surgery. Besides I really did not feel right making such a huge decision without really making an effort to do this on my own. My plan was, if I make the changes (eating right & exercise) and I still can't do it, then I'll have the surgery. Thankfully what I'm doing is working. No surgery for me!! Keep up the awesome work!! Hugs!

Sarah (Fat Little Legs) said...

Sam - I absolutely took no offense to your post at all so no worries there. Just wanted you to have info in case you ever do decide to take it or need to take it. This is a very personal journey for all of us.