Am I Crazy?!

Wait... don't answer that! :D (Sorry, another long post!)

Well I'm feeling better. I got to give mom lots of big hugs and we had a little cry together. I'm hoping to hang out with her sometime in August. One of my good friends posted a comment about being happy with yourself where your at in this moment. And she is so right! So I just wanted to clarify that while I do long to be a mother, I absolutely LOVE where I am in life! I'm healthier than I've been in years, I actually feel beautiful and like my body, my relationship with Mike is wonderful and loving, I've made amends with people that I had estranged myself from, I love my job, and I have a strong testimony. And most of all, I know that God loves me and I love me. She brings up such an important point and I thank her for bringing it up!

So a quick NSV. Mike had a friend come over on Saturday so Mike could help him with his car stereo. He brought his 5 year old over and she watched movies while they did it and I cleaned the house. Around 5 I asked her if she was hungry and she said she was.  I offered her either sugar free (didn't tell her that part) applesauce, string cheese, or an apple. I was so excited about it, because I have always worried about teaching my children to make healthy choices. And for so long, I didn't really know how I was going to do that. Now I do, because we just eat healthy in this house. So really, there won't be any other option, and that made me smile!

So I went to the gyno today. First time in two years... I know I know, I'm hanging my head in shame. Last year just seemed to get away from me. A good friend of mine skipped a year, and this year when she went back, she had cancer. So I decided it was time to go. I have always struggled with this, because I've had a hard time finding a doctor. But my cousin pointed me to some that she knew of. Although I wasn't able to see them, they sent me to their midwives and I had the best experience! The doctor that helped me was fantastic. Before my examine she sat with me for about 20-30 minutes and just talked about my health, any and all questions I had, and helped me come up with a plan. I REALLY appreciated that because usually they are SO fast and don't answer my questions or take time to understand.

She told me that because I haven't actually been trying for a year while menstruating and ovulating, that technically I'm not considered "infertile" yet. If you didn't read my post about my history on this subject, click here to read All In the Lord's time. In a way, that was kind of deflating - I mean maybe I'm not clinically infertile, but that doesn't take away the fact that for about 4 years I've wanted a baby and have not protected. But... in some ways it's also encouraging, because it means that there is hope for me yet! :D

So the reason I asked if I was crazy is because she wanted to put me on a drug called Metforman, and I turned her down. She said this drug would one, help me to have periods and ovulate, two help me lose weight faster, and three help with any symptoms of diabetes. I don't have diabetes. But because of my weight, I'm at risk. But I turned it down, and I feel really good about my decision.

Back in November I was at my heaviest point - probably about 264ish, and I was depressed, downhearted, brokenhearted, lost, and at my wits end. I felt alone, powerless, and frustrated. It seemed like no matter what I did, I couldn't get my head around anything. A friend suggested I look into getting a gastric bypass. I seriously considered it and was almost decided to do it. I went to a class to learn all about the different options, the risks, and the benefits. Like I said, I had almost decided on it, when we found out that the insurance we had just switched to not even a month before, didn't cover it (and what was really a kicker, the one we switched from - did!). Again, I was devastated. I really looked at that surgery as my saving grace, and now, I had to look at other avenues.

In hindsight, I know that I was not meant to have the surgery, and I'm glad I didn't do it. I know there is a lot of negative thoughts and feelings out there about it, and a lot of judgement. I encourage you not to judge those that choose to go that route. I have several friends that have done it (and had great success!! Congrats to them!!!) and let me tell you - it is not the easy way out! It's just a different way! And just like anything else out there, it's not an easy fix. They still change their life, just as I have had to change mine. So what I say here, I do NOT say in judgement of anyone else's choices or path, I'm just telling you about my personal experience.

For me, I think I would have continued to struggle with my weight because I was looking for the easy fix. And boy, would I have been in for a surprise! :) Doing it with diet and exercise is slower, but it's allowed me the time I needed to let my heart and my head lose with my body as well. I think if I had just lost all that weight super fast, I wouldn't have had the time to heal my soul. And for me, that has been the key.

I feel the same way about the drug now. Yes, it would be nice to lose faster - but I'm not sure that faster is in my best interest right now. And, I want to get to the end of this and say that I was able to do it with the strength of the Lord and on my own merits and efforts. I've set a LOT of goals through out the years, and I've not achieved very many of them. This is one that I feel is within my grasp, so I don't want to take away from that with a drug.

And as I mentioned a couple of posts ago, I'm actually glad that I haven't had children up to this point in my life. I now understand it, and want to finish this journey before starting that new one. So if it helps me ovulate, I could get pregnant - which wouldn't be a bad thing necessarily. How I said it to a friend tonight, is that I want to get to my goal. And if in the process, I naturally get pregnant - then of COURSE I'll be ecstatic! But if I'm going to do it with the aide of drugs and such, then I need that to be on my (and the Lord's of course) time table, and right now, I'm just not ready.

So I turned it down. Because I'm no longer desperate or powerless (I never was powerless, I just thought I was). I'm happy and strong! And I plan to continue being that way!