Random Ramblings

I'm in a weird mood today. I'm feeling a little melancholy, and to be honest I don't know why. I figured if I sat down and type out all my thoughts, maybe the reason will come out. We shall see. This could be a very random (and long) post! I have several adventures to share with you, I'm working on my pictures. I hope to have them up sometime this week.

So, funny story. Mike and I were in the car last week and I asked him how much he weighed that morning (we both weigh every morning. He has been wanting to start training for a triathlon, but because of his back hasn't been able to. He just started about a week ago to run with me). He said "222.2". I sat there for a second then with a sly grin I said, "Huh....... Me too!". Haha! You should have seen the look on his face!! And then he did the CUTEST thing! He threw his arms around me (we were at a stop light) and exclaimed how proud he was of me! It was sooooo nice. Then he pulled back and kind of gave me this look like - game on! :) Since then there has been a friendly competition. But here is the funny thing. Since then, we have weighed the EXACT same every day. The same ups the same downs. So weird. I think it's our scale!! He has now moved into full swing of losing weight and I couldn't be happier about it. Even though I know that he will quickly pull ahead of me, because he is a man. And men suck like that. I'm okay with it, and I told him so. And eventually, I will pass him again, because I'm smaller, and will eventually be smaller than him. But for now, a little healthy competition is great! I love you Mike - I'm going to beat you by the way!!!! :D

I'm working hard on my goal of 15lbs lost by my birthday. I have until next Wednesday, and it's going to be close. I'm probably going to need until the end of next week. I still have 6.6 to go! Which means I need to lose 3.3lbs this week and next week. I've buckled up and have been doing REALLY good this week! I did AWESOME over the weekend! I've been tracking EVERY bite and doing a TON of exercise. I hope it pays off. But you know what, if not, I guess in a way I'm okay with that. I mean really, I can only do my very best. And if my body doesn't cooperate, I can't help that. But I can get to the end and know that I did my part! And I KNOW that eventually, my body will catch up with that effort I put in.

I went on a killer bike ride on Saturday with Mike (pics to come), it was great. We did 15 miles! And I felt good the whole time! There was a HUGE hill that I was a little concerned about, but I did just fine! Then after the huge hill there was a slow incline for about 3 or 4 big blocks. That was actually the harder part. I got to the top and just about started bawling. Not because of how tired I was, but because of how tired I wasn't. Because of how fantastic I felt. Because I did it. Because I got up at 6:30am in the morning because I was excited to use my body and ride my bike. Because I'm changing into the person I've always known I could be. Because in that moment I was not ordinary or average. I was extraordinary! I chose to get out of bed (which for anyone who knows me, knows what a challenge that is!) and do something! I started thinking that I think I want to help others do this. I want to be an inspiration to others, to teach them and coach them. I can see myself becoming a Weight Watcher leader some day. I love to coach and I love to see others succeed. It's funny how you see people on Biggest Looser say that and you think "Phhh yeah right!". But it's soo true. When good things start to happen to us, we want to share it with others!! Well, at least I do!

There is one person that I would love to help more than any one person in my life. I love this woman (more), she has done an untold amount for me. And much of it she did amidst the wrath of my hormones. Yes, it's my mom. My mom and I were best friends when I was little. I adored her and I learned so much from her. Probably more than she'll ever know. Then I become a teenager, and well... yeah. Our relationship pretty much has struggled from then until this year. Don't get me wrong, we have had lots and lots of good times. And even when I was just awful to her, she didn't know it, but I was still learning from her. She is the best teacher I have ever had and I love her for it. She has taught me about being selfless, about turning the other cheek, about service to others, about how to laugh and have fun, about how to be positive when others aren't, about the gospel and Jesus Christ, about how to be a loving mother, about being a listener, and a good friend, and so many other things. As I was riding home I was thinking about all of this. I was also thinking about how for years I had this angst come up about my mom that I could never really figure out. Well, this year, I figured it out - and I forgave her. I don't think I've verbally told her that, but I did. And on my ride it dawned on me that the very same month, even the day that I forgave her and decided to move past it, was the day I started moving forward. It was the day I started eating right and changing my life for the better. I think that's pretty huge. Forgiveness is one of the most powerful tools we have available to us in this life! There was this feeling buried deep in me for so long, and I didn't even realize it was there, but it was holding me back for so long. And I know that my mom knew what it was, and that it was there. But she never pushed me. Never got fed up with me and pushed me away - heaven knows I've given her reason to, but she never did. She was patient with me and loved me and waited. I'm sorry mom. I'm sorry it took me so long to see what needed to be done. I do forgive you, I love you dearly, and I only hope that you can forgive me for being so slow to come around and for all the heartach I'm sure I've caused!

So I keep thinking this question "Who am I"? I'm not really talking about the deep down philosophical type, but... Well for instance, my friend Ana, she is a cowgirl. She loves the horses and she is fantastic with them! I think to myself, I want to do that! But then I get around them and freeze up, am uncomfortable, and nervous. And then Mike joined this tri-athalon group and we went running with some of them tonight. I've been getting into the biking/swimming/and running, so I think, I could do this. I went with them tonight, and while I had a great time, I realized I don't want to do that because I'm "hard core". I just want to do it because it's fun and it's exercise, and I'll do a race every now and then. There have been lots of times like this lately where I think, I want to do that, or I want to be that. But then when I actually do it or be it, and it doesn't fit. So I'm left wondering, who am I. I know that these things are superficial, and don't make up ME, but still... I'd love for there to be one thing, ya know? As I've been sitting here writing this, I know what I want that one thing to be. I want to be a mother. I want to be a stay at home wife. I want to be the one that has her house clean because she actually has time to do it. And has time to plan healthy dinners for the family, and gets to exercise in the morning with her other SAHM friends. And gets to rock her baby to sleep at night and have that sweet little face to look at as she dreams with the angels. I know all you mothers out there are just shaking your head at me right now and thinking "If only she knew". And I'm sure that I will get frustrated, and sad, and angry, and frustrated, and fed up. And that all this time I think I will have, I won't have at all. But that is still who I want to be. It's funny that this is who I want to be because truthfully, I'm plain awkward with children, I'm a horrible house keeper, and I'd probably sleep in too much. But.... I guess we always want what's on the other side, right? I also recognize that a mother needs outlets, but I have those in my life right now. I want someone to love, and hold, and kiss their scraped knee, to teach them the gospel, (to mess up and have to learn hard lessons - I'm sure!), etc. The good news is that I know that someday, I'll get to be on that other side. I don't know what that will look like, or how it will come, or even when it will come. But I know that I'll get there, and for now, that faith will have to be enough.

Sorry, kind of a downer post tonight. Like I said, I'm just kind of in a melancholy mood. I'm not really sad, just... contemplative? If you've read this far, thanks for listening. I haven't said it lately, but thank you for all your support, love, and comments. It really is helpful and keeps me going! As does reading all your blogs (or talking to those that don't have blogs). You give me strength and inspiration. You give me joy and laughter, and I am forever grateful for you! Goodnight!