I'll be happy when....

Today felt like a crossroads kind of day. One of those days where you finally get real with yourself, with what your life is, and what you want it to be. 

It's so easy to think "I'll be happy when..."

"I'll be happy when I'm married."

"I'll be happy when I'm XXXlbs."

"I'll be happy when I fit in my clothes better."

"I'll be happy when we are out of debt."

"I'll be happy when the house is clean."

"I'll be happy when I'm a mother."

On a show that I'm watching one of the characters said something that has kind of stuck with me. He said that what happiness is, is wanting what you already have. And it's not that any one of these things wouldn't or hasn't brought me happiness. I think the key is finding happiness in just being where you're at, with what you have, and with who you love. And while some areas of my life bring me more joy than I ever thought possible, I'm not quite "happy" with where I am at. 

I've felt pretty stuck lately. My thoughts and ideas about self and weight loss have become pretty twisted, and in doing so have really helped me pack on the lbs. I've always been really open about numbers on this blog - never feeling like I had anything to hide. This is the first time I don't want to post how much I weigh. Mostly because I don't want to face the reality, not because I really care what others think about it. 

When I say my thoughts have become twisted, what I mean is that it's almost like I am on information overload. I love the idea of Intuitive Eating (IE) and principles they teach. I don't want to diet and have freedom to eat the foods I want - and I want to want healthy foods. But the reality is when I try this, I mostly end up eating way too much food and only the "fun" foods - in the name of IE. Which is not IE at all! And on the other hand I think there are several good plans and diets that I could be successful at. But the problem is every time I try and start the things I learned from IE about dieting start to come up and then I get all confused, and it's this whole vicious cycle. And I've been on it for months. And I'm tired of it. 

I don't really know what the answer is yet. But before the weekend is out, I will have it.