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Thursday, March 11, 2010

A confession, the truth, and another really long post!

(I apologize for the length, but I need to vent) Good morning! Today is a beautiful day, isn't it? Well, here goes, I've been in a funk the last two 1/2 weeks. You may have noticed my super positive posts; I've been trying to pump myself up and into a better place. It hasn't worked. Although I've heard from several of you that it's worked for you, and for that I'm glad!! I haven't lost any weight (although I'm happy to say I also haven't gained any), and while I claim that I'm doing all I should be, the truth is, I'm not. I am doing maybe half of what I should be. I haven't been tracking, I haven't been exercising, I haven't been getting all my water in, I'm only measuring 1/2 the things I eat, and I'm only eating on plan about 1/2 the time.

As you know, we were able to get our temple recommends and Tuesday was our first trip back to the temple. I wish that I could tell you it was such an amazingly spiritual experience, and in some ways, it was. But... all my frustrations, anxieties, guilt, anger, and any other dark and painful feeling seemed to come flying out on Tuesday night. Poor Mike! I know that it was partly because of Satan and his desire to keep me from the temple. Luckily I have a loving and supportive husband who wouldn't let me back out. Thanks Mike! I think the other part is that I have been asking the Lord for help and strength in this area of my life, and I know I haven't done my part. Anyway... it was an interesting evening. Even afterward, I still just wanted to eat and be rebellious.

So yesterday morning I woke up and again, I just wanted to eat, lots and lots of junk. As I played with Willow, I decided to have a junk day, and get it all out of my system. We get up with Mike, and then on Wednesdays, because I have the day off, I go back to bed. So I went back to bed with plans to get up, go to the store, and buy all sorts of naughty foods! I woke up again around 10:15, got up, and really looked around. I realized that my house was a mess. That I feel like a mess. That my life was... a mess. And that I could do what I had planned, but at the end of the day I probably would just hate myself for it and feel worse off. Or, I could clean. So I did, I dug in and cleaned the entire house. It felt really good to set my mind to something and to accomplish it.

I had a couple of interesting realizations as I cleaned, both having to do with Willow. We kind of treat her like our kid. I know it's kind of creepy, and everyone has been really understanding about it. The truth is we're having trouble getting pregnant, and have been trying for the last several years. We haven't done all the fertility stuff yet, but we will. Anyway, it's been a really painful process, and as I was talking to her, I realized that she is not a baby. I mean really, I knew that, but it just hit that although she has definitely filled a void in our lives, she is still not what I dream of. I realized that I think that is where some of my pain and frustration is coming from, again. I've been in a good place about this as of late, but I think it's been bothering more than I thought. I know that to have a baby, I need to lose weight, so I'm on the right path. But I just needed to acknowledge those feelings and allow myself to feel them.

The other realization was while I was yelling at Willow for not doing what I told her to do. Okay, maybe yelling is too strong, but we were definitely having a moment. I wanted her to lay down and stay and not jump on the clothes I was trying to fold and she was not obeying me. I was getting so frustrated and giving her collar several strong tugs and speaking loudly saying things like "Why can't you just behave, I know you know what I'm saying! I know you know what to do, why can't you do it????!!!!!". Get where this is going? I started thinking about Heavenly Father, and how I'm sure at times he wants to throttle me and say the exact same thing!! I know what to do; I just need to do it!!!

Well... it was a good day. I accomplished a lot, and feel good about that. For dinner we went to Apollo Burger, and yes I had a big fat juicy bacon burger with TONS of fry sauce, and we had fries and onion rings. I'm saying it out loud! And it was divine! We also talked about getting back on track together and really giving it our all. Another realization is that I'm bored with some of my food choices. So before I went to the store, I looked up some yummy recipes online for breakfast and snacks. I bought some new things, and I'm ready for this new day!!

Thanks for all the support. I know I keep saying that, and I will keep saying it! Because knowing you're out there really is a boon to me and helps me through my day! Thank you!

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4 comments:

The Warner Corner said...

You are amazing, you know that? I love this post. I love that you keep it real! I'm here for you any time you need a friend. Love ya!

Razzle Dazzle Berry said...

Sam, it takes time girl! The worst thing you can do to your fire is dash it with water.....

Other then Willow :) do you have a hobby that you like to do? SOmething that takes your mind off food and puts it into something else. That has been so rewarding for me the last year and a half. I'll be honest, you need another distraction as you work on all the other distractions. You'd be amazed at how well the things that you REALLY want will fall into place when you are not so focused on them every minute of the day. Love ya!! You ca do this!

Sarah said...

Sam,
This isn't the right venue, but sometime we should talk about the dog-to-replace-the-child-yearning thing. That was the reason for Stella....very interesting how your puppy takes on human characteristics in your mind when you want a baby that much.

I love you and I'm sorry you're going through it. My heart aches for you - and trust me when I say I understand it exactly.

Love you girl.

Higbee said...

OH Miss Sam! Just remember you are worth the fight, the struggle everything. You are worth it. Willow is a great pet! But unfortunately she will always just be a pet. I understand your need girl, I do. I have 2 sister going through it as well. I am doing Body for life if you want to look at that. It allows you to have 1 free day a week. I have been doing this since September. I track my food in my own food journal. And then 1 day a week I don't track and eat ever I want. For me I usually do this on Sunday so I am not tempted to go out and eat. So that helps. But maybe that is a option to look at when you get bored. I agree with getting a hobby or something that distracts you. My sister and I have concluded that food will always be a battle we are fighting everyday. We will always be struggling. But remember you are worth it! Don't ever give up. You are not perfect. Many hugs sweetie!! :-)