Even though I have not been losing weight the last few weeks, I still feel like I’m moving forward. I’ve been doing lots of contemplating, analyzing, thinking, crying, praying, throwing of tantrums, and back to analyzing. I don’t know where I heard it (probably Dr. Phil), but they say (something like) weight loss is 90% in your head. It’s so true! The limitations we put on ourselves, the insecurities we hold so tight to, the fears that we cling to, the negative things we say to ourselves - these are the things that really hold us back. I say things to myself that would be shocking and awful if I said it to someone else. I didn’t realize it until I said a couple of things to myself yesterday. One of them, I actually said out loud – which turned out to be good thing. I was coming home from work. All day I had created this plan of action for my evening, I got home… and was exhausted! I didn’t want to do any of what I had planned – and just wanted to EAT, and could feel myself giving into that. I told myself out loud “You’re such a looser”. Do I really think that? No. Do I know that is shocking and awful? Yes. Am I the only one who has ever thought that or something similar? I bet not! But in that moment, I said it, and believed it. As I said it out loud, it was like a wakeup call. I still didn’t do everything I had planned to do, but I did make dinner, cleaned the kitchen, took a walk outside, chilly, but beautiful, and went to the grocery store (as I made that list, I actually think I did pretty good)! I spent some time on a little grassy knoll and enjoyed the beautiful sunset. I spent a lot of time thinking about that big stupid wall I talked about a couple of posts ago.
I’m going to try and describe one of those things that are so intangible; it’s hard to put into words. So if this doesn’t make sense, sorry. Each time I get to this spot (the wall), it’s like I’m standing on a precipice. And I can literally feel myself swaying back and forth trying to make the decision. I’m usually here for a couple of weeks. I can choose to step back into safer territory, where I know I’m comfortable, where I can do whatever I want, where I don’t have to be “dedicated” or “ determined” or “accountable” or “active” or… you get the idea. Or I can step off. I can leap into the unknown, where it’s hard, and I do have to be all of those big words. Where I have to trust myself, and be someone that can be trusted. Where I have to trust in God, and actually believe in myself. That shouldn’t be that hard, but let’s be real; I’ve lied to myself for a lot of years. I’ve broken promises, and said hurtful things. Is it really so confusing that I would doubt myself? I mean if someone else were to do those things to me, I probably wouldn’t associate with them anymore. So it’s no wonder really that this is such a hurdle.
I came across this scripture that really hit me hard the other day. I printed it out and have it on my desk at work. I’ve been thinking on it a lot and I really think that it’s the answer. And if I can figure out how I’m suppose to apply it in my life, I’ll be able to take the leap.
“But if ye will turn to the Lord with full purpose of heart, and put your trust in him, and serve him with all diligence of mind, if ye do this, he will, according to his own will and pleasure, deliver you out of bondage”.
I’m in bondage. I’m in bondage to food, and to my thoughts. But how wonderful is that through this scripture I learn how not to be in bondage! I believe that my Father in heaven wants me to be healthy. He has given me this temple and wants me to appreciate it, take care of it, and treasure it. I think it probably makes him sad when I have nasty mean thoughts about myself. And, I think that although I am having a hard time trusting myself, if I trust him, then eventually that will overflow into myself. Many of you commented on my thought that I have to focus on several things right now. And to a point that is true, there are things I must focus on, but I can also see your side of it, and maybe I have been putting too much pressure on myself. Maybe. :) As I thought about it yesterday, I kind of realized that in the compartments of my brain, I have put Spiritual goals and weight loss in the same compartment. I really believe that for me to get my body into shape, I need to get my spirit into shape too.
Sooo… I know you are probably getting whiplash from all my “decisions” but here comes another one. I’m going to take some of your advice and simplify. I’m going to focus on perfecting my eating, and bringing the spirit more fully into my life. Those are going to be what I put my full concentration on. I’m not going to really worry about exercise, for now. I still want to walk with my friends, and we are going to hike once a week, but if I don’t get it in each day or whatever, I’m not going to stress about it. I feel like the food part is the part I really need to master. I’m still going to do cooking shows, because that is a must, however, I’m only going to work on doing 6 a month instead of ramping up to 12 like I had planned on. I can still make a nice little income on 6, and that won’t overwhelm me. I know that there will be some that still think I’m focusing on too much… but… that’s where I’m at. Last night I went to the grocery store and planned a week’s worth of yummy, healthy, dinners. I’m going hiking tonight with some friends – looking forward to enjoying God’s beautiful creations and enjoying some good company.
I feel like I’m at the end of the gloomy tunnel, and the light is looking heavenly! I can be a lot of talk and not a lot of action sometimes. That’s how I feel the last month has been for me, a lot of talk. I’m finally feeling like I’m at that point where I can stop talking, and do. Thanks for a hanging in there with me. Here is to freedom (from food, fat, Satan, self defeating thoughts, etc) and taking the leap!