Choices, Not Numbers

+8.2lbs

Yep, you read it right, I weighed in tonight for the first time in 3 weeks at Weight Watchers and I'm up 8.2lbs. Uhhh......

Have you been there? Duh Sam, we've all been there. I've been here before, probably will be here again. That's not the real question, the real question is... So what now (you've probably noticed, I like that question)? What are you going to do about it?

Sulk? Nope.

Eat? Nope - well, not inappropriately at least.

Take it out on Mike and pick a fight about something I'm all hot and bothered about (but really I'm just mad at myself)? Nope.

Cry? Maybe. I didn't tonight, but I think that crying is an acceptable option.

Hope that people will feel sorry for me and try to comfort me? Nope. In fact, to be honest, I hope you don't. I made my choices. I need to live with the consequences. I'm reading Women, Food, and God, and one of the points she makes is that you need to allow yourself to just feel a feeling. Don't try and run from it, or stuff it with food. You are not going to die if you feel sad. Or if you feel ashamed and angry. I am willing to sit with these feelings and to process this, but I need to ask that you don't join in. So not to be rude, but please don't try to comfort. (Yes, this is a protection mechanism, I know. Not entirely healthy, but I just don't think I could handle the questions like "Why do you think you struggle so much" or "Why is it so hard for you". I know those are meant well, but please don't ask them.) Thank you.

Acknowledge that I know exactly why I gained that 8.2lbs? Yep.

Acknowledge that it's up to me to choose whether this will be a real speed bump or just a surface one? Yep. I could let this derail me. I could use it as an excuse to eat away my sorrows and weaknesses tonight. Or, I could... not.

Exercise? Resounding YES! I need to burn some steam. I need to sweat. I need to be alone with my thoughts. I need to analyze and feel the pain. And I need to let it go! That's what happens when I run.

I knew when I went in, I was up. I've felt it for a week now. I feel it in my clothes, I feel it in my energy level. And I feel it in my heart. But you know, despite the fact that it's a big number, and it sucks. Yes, it sucks. I'm actually okay with it? The last three weeks I've learned a LOT about myself. From the ah ha moments I posted about in the Proof is in the Pudding, to lessons about forgiving others, relying on the Lord when something is too heavy for me to carry, and knowing that the Lord needs me. Big big lessons learned. And I guess, if the price of those lessons was that I had to have this set back - well it's a price I'm willing to pay.

The other truth about it as I mentioned above, I know exactly why and how this happened. I know what choices I made that led to this, I know. And I am not going to dwell on the fact that I messed up. It is what it is. But the awesome thing? It's not permanent. I can fix it. I can change it. I can make better choices. I can have success and continue to lose weight. I can be who ever I want to be.

Lindsey over at Prior Fat Girl received a challenge to give up the scale and tape measure for a month. To write down what she eats, and how many calories are burned in a day, then to let it go. Not to dwell on the numbers. I was thinking about this on the way home from WW as my leader had said at one point that for a real lifestyle change, this has to be about the choices you make, not the numbers. Not the numbers on the scale, or the tape measure. Yes, those are important feedback, but... they cannot be the end all, be all. Because in the end, that is not what keeps the fat off. It's the lifestyle you get to enjoy and the habits you have made. There is so much more to my journey. The stuff that adds so much more meaning, depth, and discovery to my life. So while I'm not going to stop weighing in completely, I am going to go numberless for a month. I am going to have Mike take the scale to work. I've spoken before about the fact that I feel I have a healthy relationship with the scale - I still feel that way. But I also am recognizing that in the last month, it has become way too much about the number. I am still going to go and weigh in at WW, but I'm going to work it out so someone keeps my book for me and I won't know.

I'm really working on being aware as previously mentioned. Aware of my thoughts, feelings, words, and what I eat. I would like to add listening to my body more. Listening to my energy level, the way my clothes fit, they way the foods I eat effects my moods, etc. I think this is the perfect challenge to go along with that.

My mini goal I was working toward was to lose 17lbs by Mike's birthday. I'm going to have to put that goal on hold. I would now need to lose more than would be healthy to do that, and I'm not going to push myself just so that I could feel like I failed. So I'm changing it to going scaleless from Aug 20-Sept 20. Also, I want to go on the Above and Beyond Hike at the end of September. This is a hike I have wanted to do for years but have never been healthy enough. It is a 13 mile hike that goes over 7 mountain peaks. I'm going to do it.

A part of any hard journey, is falling down sometimes. And the real test is whether you get back up or not. I'm getting back up folks, I'm getting back up.