What a Week!

Before I start - I was suppose to draw a winner for the blog candy yesterday, but haven't gotten too it. I'm going to do it Monday night and give anyone who still wants in a little extra time. Just post a comment on this post about anything, and you're name will go in the drawing! Thanks!

So I have had some writer's block going on. I look at my blog, and all the blogs on my blog rolls every day. Well, I don't read every blog every day. But over the course of the week, I usually have stopped by them all. And every day I think of something I want to post about. But when I sit down to actually do it? I can't! I don't know what is going on.

Some of the things I've thought about posting on?

*What TERRIBLE drivers we have in Utah!!! With the new job, I now have a 30 minute commute on the freeway. And what have I learned from this experience? People are rude!! I am not claiming to be the best driver. In fact I often make mistakes that I know frustrate other drivers. And although I do speed quite often, I try VERY hard to be a courteous driver. Slow down, move over, let people in, don't cut people off, etc. But I get so upset when people are BLATANTLY rude!!! GRRRR

*The excitement I feel about the fact that I am finally figuring things out at work. I'm still rather slow, and am asking a TON of questions. But it is starting to come together and I am asking less questions and accomplishing more!

*Why I can't seem to leave the last two bites of any meal alone - even when I am completely satisfied and no longer feel hunger! I can be completely aware and in the moment. And listening to my body and my hunger and will get down to just those last two bites... and I think "I am done".  But inevitably, between the time it takes me to put it in the garbage, it's made it in my mouth!!! WHY! Habit? I'm not really full? It just tastes good? I don't know!

*How I again realized that I no longer want to wait for "until I weigh..." to live my life. There are things I've been putting off, it's time to stop putting them off and live.

*Some sadness and frustration I've been feeling at seeing others progress and myself not progressing in such a visible way. Several of my blogging friends and friends in real life (I hate that saying, because I think my blogging friends are friends in real life as well - but you know what I mean, right?) have been hitting some big weight loss milestones. And while I am THRILLED for them, I have to admit there has been some sadness and jealousy felt. I know that I've gained somewhere between 5-10lbs. And most of the time, I am perfectly okay with that. I am at peace with this path and deep down I know that I am making progress. I am more at peace with food then I think I have EVER been! And I am starting to crave, buy, and eat real food again. It's not just all play food (a new name for junk food). I have started exercising again and I feel awesome about that! I think the problem is that I have not completely given up my attachment to having a weight loss goal. And so when I see others doing it, and I'm not, it's easy to fall into comparing myself to them. But I am working on it, and I am aware of the... problem? That's not the right word, but basically I know that one, I shouldn't compare myself to others. And two, I've chosen a very different path and therefore the results are just going to be different. And three, I do want to find peace and happiness with myself as I am now. And because of that, I know that eventually - hopefully sooner than later - I will want that more then I want to lose weight. And the funny thing is, it's probably when I get to that point, that I will actually start to lose weight again!

*The giddiness that I felt when I had the perfect eating day yesterday! Not because I ate only healthy foods or certain amounts - but I followed my hunger signals, and didn't go past my satisfaction/no longer hungry signal once!

*The sickness I had from binging SO bad on Thursday night! I wasn't able to go home after work to eat dinner, as I had a Pampered Chef show I was doing for a friend. And I went to Del Taco for dinner. I do recognize that is probably not the most nutritious food I could eat, but it was what I wanted. But... I just ate WAY too much and far pass my signal to stop. I blatantly ignored it just as some of my fellow Utahans blatantly ignore traffic rules! I was MISERABLE the rest of the night, and the next day! Yuck! But... the good news, I didn't beat myself up over it. Well, actually I started to. But then I recognized the voices in my head and chose which ones I am going to listen to. So although I felt awful, it was a learning experience.

*The empowerment I felt when later that same night, I again wanted to eat (although I don't know how I could have), but recognized I was wanting to feed some emotions (the emotions of seeing others lose weight and feeling sadness that I wasn't as explained above) I was feeling - so instead I sat with those feelings until I finally realized I was exhausted and just needed some sleep. Sitting with your feelings is so interesting. If you've never done it, try it. The next time you are feeling the urge to eat, but know you're not hungry. Just sit somewhere in the quiet and listen to the thoughts in your head. If you have ever wondered if you are crazy, this will prove to yourself that you are. Because as soon as you get quiet, you start hearing the cacophony of voices in your head. The one telling you to eat, the one observing your not hungry. The one telling you it's safe to feel this feeling and it won't kill you and to love yourself. The one that is SO insistent that you eat something or you will die! It's.... an experience. And the loudest one is the one telling you to eat. So you really have to listen, and each time it speaks, tune in to what the others are saying. Try it. Anyway... I went to bed!

*And lastly, an analogy presented it's self yesterday morning as I was still contemplating all of the above things! As I was driving on the freeway, there was no one in front or behind me for several hundred yards in each direction. I basically had this little pocket of empty space all to myself. And yet I found myself speeding up so that I could catch up to the pack. But then, I thought, why do I want to do that? So that I can then drive behind someone and be frustrated that they are not going as fast as I want to, or doing something that bothers me. So I slowed down. I enjoyed where I was and being alone on the road. I felt safe and secure (I tend to get nervous driving on the freeway, when I was 15 I was in a 15 car pile up and it left a bad taste in my mouth), in control, and was actually comfortable going 10 miles slower than I normally go. I know, I shouldn't speed as much as I do! Anyway... as this happened, it just kind of hit me that the same thing is going on with my weight loss/peace with food journey. I have been comparing myself to others who in a sense are ahead of me right now in their weight loss. I was wanting to hurry up and catch up with them. But... I don't want to diet anymore. I just don't. And I'm not trying to knock that for anyone else or anyone else's decisions. I realized that this path I have chosen is a slower path, and if I'm really going to do it, then I've got to be okay with it. But... by doing so, I have found safety and security, I have been more comfortable with food and with myself, I have found an empty space where I can learn and grow and am in control.

I am okay.

I know that my blog has not seemed like the happiest blog lately. But I truly am happy! I am excited at where I am in my life right at this moment, and I am hopeful for the future! And even though it was kind of a busy and rough week, all in all, I'd say it was pretty good! And now, it will end with a beautiful fall weekend, where I will get to listen to the leaders of my church in our bi-annual conference, go hiking in the beautiful mountains and enjoy the fall colors with my sweet little family, and hopefully get a little rest!

As you can see, I've had LOTS on my mind!!