Saturday, October 16, 2010

Growing Sometimes Hurts...

But it's so worth it!

What a glorious morning I've had! I slept in! I picked raspberries! And I went for a jog in the beautiful fall sunshine. As I had mentioned, we have started training for our 10k. Earlier this week I ran that two miles. Thursday I was suppose to go out again, but I bummed out (I did go for a two mile walk with my good friend Carebear, but didn't go for my run). Today we were slated for 4 miles, and I did it! I did not run the whole time, but it was a good work out. Running is becoming somewhat of a spiritual experience for me. It's a time when I can communicate with God. It's a time when I'm able to really settle my thoughts down and think about what's really going on. I can think about the whys and whats about my life. It's a time to ponder, and to cheer myself on.

I had posted about the voices in my head, well I have found another one - Coach. I have a coach inside me that pushes me through the hard parts. This voice is kind and strong. It pushes me while not forcing me. It gives me a choice but also tries to show me how strong I really am and when I want to quit - it encourages me to dig deeper and keep going. I like this voice!

So last week I had posted that I was going to focus on choosing foods that give me energy. And I did... until (famous last word...) there was a moment. Most people, if they had seen the moment, if they had been there, would have thought it was no big deal. But to me, it was a big deal. So big in fact, that I just crumbled. Almost instantly. And as I felt myself crumbling food was there to catch me. I had a bit of a relapse the last 4 days or so. I have been binging again. Feeding my emotions to take away the hurt, the pain, the fear, the doubt, and the heavy feeling of knowing generally what I need to do, but not knowing if I can do it. To protect those involved, I can not really go into details here (sorry, I know that bugs). This is something that I knew would happen at some point. I thought that I had been preparing myself, that I would be ready... I wasn't. It has taken me four days to dissect this thing down to the real problem. To figure it all out in my head, and to come to terms with what must be done. And the funny thing? What "must" be done, is something I really want to do! I'm just afraid of it. Because it's so much bigger than I am, what if it swallows me whole? I don't know. I guess I'll find out when I'm on the other side of it. Are you sufficiently confused? :D

I did come to some good conclusions on my run today.

Food does not feed the soul. We talk often of comfort food or of celebratory food. But as I discussed this with God today, I realized, food is just... food. It is meant only to give us energy so that we can LIVE! So that we can serve and love and enjoy life. I don't mean to say food should not be enjoyed - I think it should. I just mean, that every time I binge I think of it as feeding my soul. I'm "feeding" those emotions, right? Wrong! The plate of chips and 1/4 brick of cheese I ate earlier this week - that was not feeding my soul. That was shoving it aside for a carnal need. My soul did not need that cheese, nor did my body. It needed love, understanding, a listening ear (my own, or a friend's), acceptance, a chance to grieve, to shout, to feel. However, when I choose healthy food (because I want it, not when I choose it out of guilt) that is feeding my body good energy and truly feeding my soul. Because it's showing myself that I honor myself. That I respect my body and love it and want it to have energy. When I do that, I bring my body and soul together as one. I have a feeling I'm in for an emotional week next week. What with the meditation group coming up (meditation usually brings a lot to the surface for me), and this other thing I am going to tackle. So my focus this week? To love & respect my body AND soul by choosing healthy options. To get uncomfortable and allow myself to just feel these emotions instead of pushing them aside to stuff my face. Which leads me to the next thing I discovered on my run...

2. Several times this year I have said "I can do hard things". And that's true, I have learned that about myself. But I have not really got my arms 100% around being uncomfortable yet. To me, sitting with feelings and allowing them to do what they need to do is - uncomfortable! It's awkward and a little scary - because what if those feelings just completely overwhelm me?

This week, on my two jogs, I really focused on being in the "Now". In noticing my body, listening to it. Listening to my feelings, my thoughts, being aware of what was around in me, in front of me, etc. Really looking at my surroundings, the beautiful trees that are changing colors, the beautiful yards with flowers still blooming, smiling at people I see. And I realized that running for me right now? Not comfortable! My feet hurt again, my lungs burn, I get side aches, my legs get tired and feel wobbly. But... I just allowed myself to feel those things and then I kept going! So it turns out that being uncomfortable won't overwhelm me.

Today I went up a street I don't normally run on. It was a busy street, and mostly uphill. I power walked up the hill and when I was about 40ft to the top of the hill, I started to jog. I decided I would go to the next light that was quite a ways in front of me. My coach revved up and I turned the reigns over. She pushed, she yelled a little (but in a good way), she prodded, she didn't let me stop. There was one point while I was running that there was a break in the cars, and the thought came "Stop now, while no-one is watching", but right behind it was the thought, probably from Coach, "Who are you running for anyway? These strangers so they can give you a pat on the back? Or yourself? If this is really for you, then you run even harder when no one is watching!". So I did! I picked up the pace! It was very empowering!

As I got to about the last 150ft I REALLY wanted to stop. But I didn't I pushed through. I was going faster than normal and I pushed through. In my head was coach yelling "You can do this YOU CAN DO THIS, DON"T STOP, YOU CAN DO THIS!" And then there was my voice as well, talking to me about things. And right in the middle of this big push I had some big realizations about "the Moment" that broke me this week. I realized that the "moment" had given me so much in my life. Had given me strength and courage. Has always had faith in me and knew that I could do what EVER I wanted. And now it was my turn to return the favor. This amazing gift I have been given - my life changing forever this year - it was now my turn to give back. And in that 150 yards as I hurled myself toward the corner so I could stop running, I was given all the strength, courage, passion, and desire I will need to accomplish the task before me. I still don't know the details. I still don't have a clue how in the world I will do it, but I know that I am not alone in it, and that gives me comfort, joy, and excitement! God is so good!

So now... I act. Now I pray. Now I find it in me to do what I need to, to give with all my heart, and hope that it is received. Thanks for coming on this run with me today. You didn't know it, but you were there too. I spoke to you a good amount of the time too. I must have written about 5 posts. Some I may post, others I won't. But you were there, you felt what was in my heart, and for now, that is enough.

Love someone today! Make someone's day and life better through your actions! And please know, that I love you!


Lesia said...

What an exciting day you are having. You have a great weekend. smile.

fatgirlwearingthin said...

What an inspirational post, Sam. I really related with your problem. It doesn't matter what it is because you have already given all the information you needed to convey that it must be a doozy. I am having the same struggle with a major problem and I know that it will help me if I just come to terms with it but I'm scared half out of my mind to agree to it.
You will persevere though, and it will work out; you seem to be so in tune with your emotions right now, and that is something I strive for. Thanks for the post.

Joy said...


First of all you are killing me!!! Don't know what's going on, but I'm praying for you!!!!

Secondly - YOU TOTALLY ROCK. What an inspirational post. You are reaching new heights in your journey!!



Natalia said...

You are making great strides! Good for you! Big hugs! Hang in!