So today I had an argument with Mike. Let me be frank, I started it. I didn't mean to, but I did. And I'm very sorry about that - which I have expressed to him with many hugs and kisses!
But after our argument, something interesting happened. He went down to change the oil in my car (thank you!) and I am trying to read my book club book before next week (Eat Pray Love). So I sat down to read for a few minutes...
In the kitchen.
Where the food is.
After a fight.
See where this is going?
Although I was pretending to read, I was really rehashing what had happened, and my part in it. Those voices I spoke of yesterday? They are alive and active today! There were all sorts of blame and mean thoughts a flyin'. The Food Police and Nutrition Informant were just warming up and before I know it, I've got a roll in one hand dipping it into my FAVORITE 1000 island dressing (Homemade from the Cowboy Grub - if you're local you should go try it!) and "reading".
In other words I'm mindlessly eating to numb my shame and hiding from the pain by reading.
But there was something missing - the mindlessness. The numbness. The oblivion. It was gone.
It was like I'm doing the actions of what normally brings on the numbness and what shelters me from the raw feelings that if felt will probably kill me. Or at the very least bring me to my knees in agony! But instead? I'm just watching myself eat this food and getting NO payout for it! And thinking "Why am I even doing this"? Normally in the middle of a binge I get so frenzied, that I can only focus on the food and getting it in faster and faster. This time, it was like I was eating the food... but also like I was apart from myself watching it and having totally rational thoughts about it. And I only had three rolls - which for me is like a warm up ...
And I just stopped.
Not because I felt guilty, or because it was the right thing to do, or because eating so much food was going to make me gain, or because of any other reason - except that I realized it was no longer necessary.
I could deal with these feelings. I could deal with the fact that I hurt someone I love and accept the responsibility of that, the consequences of that, and yes - the shame. And that maybe rather than eating about it, I should focus some time on how I can improve my actions so as to not hurt again.
I think that the "binge" is losing it's draw and power over me! I'm saddened that it took a fight with Mike for me to have this lesson, but at least two good things came out of it! I learned I do have power over food. And my eyes were opened to some loving changes I need to make.
I know it will probably not be the last time I want to binge, but today was a victory for me!