Monday, October 4, 2010

Something's Missing

So today I had an argument with Mike. Let me be frank, I started it. I didn't mean to, but I did. And I'm very sorry about that - which I have expressed to him with many hugs and kisses!

But after our argument, something interesting happened. He went down to change the oil in my car (thank you!) and I am trying to read my book club book before next week (Eat Pray Love). So I sat down to read for a few minutes...

In the kitchen.

Where the food is.

After a fight.

See where this is going?

Although I was pretending to read, I was really rehashing what had happened, and my part in it. Those voices I spoke of yesterday? They are alive and active today! There were all sorts of blame and mean thoughts a flyin'. The Food Police and Nutrition Informant were just warming up and before I know it, I've got a roll in one hand dipping it into my FAVORITE 1000 island dressing (Homemade from the Cowboy Grub - if you're local you should go try it!) and "reading".

In other words I'm mindlessly eating to numb my shame and hiding from the pain by reading.

But there was something missing - the mindlessness. The numbness. The oblivion. It was gone.

It was like I'm doing the actions of what normally brings on the numbness and what shelters me from the raw feelings that if felt will probably kill me. Or at the very least bring me to my knees in agony! But instead? I'm just watching myself eat this food and getting NO payout for it! And thinking "Why am I even doing this"? Normally in the middle of a binge I get so frenzied, that I can only focus on the food and getting it in faster and faster. This time, it was like I was eating the food... but also like I was apart from myself watching it and having totally rational thoughts about it. And I only had three rolls - which for me is like a warm up ...

And I just stopped.

Not because I felt guilty, or because it was the right thing to do, or because eating so much food was going to make me gain, or because of any other reason - except that I realized it was no longer necessary.

I could deal with these feelings. I could deal with the fact that I hurt someone I love and accept the responsibility of that, the consequences of that, and yes - the shame. And that maybe rather than eating about it, I should focus some time on how I can improve my actions so as to not hurt again.

I think that the "binge" is losing it's draw and power over me! I'm saddened that it took a fight with Mike for me to have this lesson, but at least two good things came out of it! I learned I do have power over food. And my eyes were opened to some loving changes I need to make.

I know it will probably not be the last time I want to binge, but today was a victory for me!  
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18 comments:

Sabrina said...

Congrats on your victory. And an important one at that!! I just finished Eat Pray Love, only becuase I took my sweet time reading it but great book none the less. I would love to be in a book club, that is a pretty neat idea.

And I love your Halloween background. Very spooky! :o)

Dan and Nicole Saldivar said...

Great post! I'm proud of you! I can tell you are becoming a different you, in a good way!

Joy said...

Hi Sam,

Awesome job! You are learning so much and growing leaps and bounds. Way to go!!

You are such an inspiration to me my friend!!

Sending love and hugs your way!!!

Happy Fun Pants said...

Sam - that is a HUGE victory.

You have MUCH to be proud of.

Natalia said...

Sam, that's awesome! :) Good for you! Definitely big NSV!

Just Me said...

Bravo Sam. I don't think it ever stops totally, but I'm sure it lessens. It's just being able to catch yourself before you start or even while...you are getting closer. I'm rooting for you.

Brett Thompson said...

Good job sis!

Mishe@EatingJourney said...

Congrats lovely!!!! That is SO important. I am learning, re-learning and embracing this very powerful place. I love that you blogged about it and that you owned up to it. Keep doing it!!!

Sarah said...

That is such a great victory! You go, Sam!

GeorgiaBE said...

Congrats on your victory Sam!
Seems like we're all dealing with this issue this week!

GeorgiaBE said...
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GeorgiaBE said...

For some reason my comment posted 5 time! Sorry Sam! I deleted the doubles!

Stephanie said...

That is an awesome victory, Sam! I'm SO PROUD of you!! :)

Dani - tkdchick said...

Wow! What a fantastic lightbulb moment!

I've found myself turn to food quite a bit this week... I'm blaming it on being tired. I think I'm just not really wanting to deal with everythign I have to do!

HCGpower said...

So glad that you had your ahha. I tried to post that day and mine wouldn't post for some reason. Love that you are beliving in your abilities that is so important.