Shocked, Awed, Puzzled, and Humbled - just to name a few!

So if you read a couple a posts ago, you read about my pants that don't fit. Eek! And you've probably read me mentioning that I have gained somewhere around 10lbs. Well, this morning, I was really feeling that 10lbs. Mike and I were cuddling, and I quietly said "Mike, I'm gaining weight". And he gently said "I know". It wasn't mean or hurtful, just an acknowledgment of the truth before us. But then he tenderly said "But Sam, if you are going to do this, then that has to be okay for now". I just LOVE LOVE LOVE this man!! He is so good to me! He has NEVER made me feel bad about my weight! And supported me on every hair brain diet I've tried! And as such, fully supports this intuitive eating decision as well. Anyway... that was the end of the conversation on that and we moved on to other topics. He is working some overtime today, so after he left I ate - not nutritiously to be honest - but I didn't eat past fullness. So that was good!

I was thinking about the weight I've gained, and I really wanted to know how much it was. I'm not really sure why I wanted to know, or what purpose it would serve. I just... needed to know. Maybe so I could except what was really there and face it straight on? Maybe so I could lament it and eat more? Maybe.... I don't know. But before I really even had time to think about it I had unpacked the scale, put it in "it's place" and stepped on... ... ... and...

219.8 flashes up.

Which is less then the 220.2 I saw the last time I stepped on the scale - 3 weeks ago.

Which was just barely over the 219. 2 I was at when I started eating intuitively on Aug 25.

WHAT???!!!

Where was my 10lb gain I was so sure of! I can see a difference in my body folks! I can feel a difference in my clothes! They are tighter! All I can think is this, that because I stopped exercising, I've gotten a little puffier. The muscle I had building is not as defined (meaning I'm loosing muscle - bad - but I can reverse that!), and there for I look heavier and am... puffier. Does that even make sense? I'm not explaining it right, but it makes sense in my head, so I guess that's okay for now. :D

So what does this mean then?

First, I'll admit I was really relieved! I have worked really really really hard this year and I was sad to see it go by the way side. Even though I understood that it was for a good purpose, and that it wasn't long term, it was still sad to see it happen. Then I was happy. I haven't gained weight! I haven't gained weight! And then I was contemplative. I dissected what the real questions are here.

So what if I had? What would I have felt/thought/done/said then?

Why does it even matter? Aren't I suppose to be focusing on finding peace with food - rather than with the scale?

Does this validate intuitive eating? Or just mean I'm lucky?

Does this validate me as a person and make me happier?

Does the number on the scale really define me and get to dictate my attitude and happiness?

Here is where I have landed on all of that ("that" being all those questions, feelings, and thoughts tumbling around in my head)...

I am not my number. I am not my weight. I am me! And "me" is SO much more then a stupid number. I truly truly hope that even if I had gained 10lbs, I would come to that SAME conclusion. That it was 10lbs, and in the eternal perspective of things - so what about 10lbs!

So I haven't gained weight, what have I gained?

1. Understanding.

2. Peace.

3. Freedom from dwelling thoughts about food.

4. Freedom from a CONSTANT food obsession (not to say that it's all gone, but it's not constant anymore)!

5. The binge, while still present, is diminishing in it's power over me.

6. I have a sense of control that I haven't felt... ever? Maybe not ever... but .... well maybe ever!

7. Love! I have found a new way of loving myself! I love myself and am trying to treat myself with kindness. To not be harsh when I mess up, but to accept myself for my weaknesses and encourage myself to listen more - be aware more - and by doing so - have more. And when I mess up to learn from it, rather than judge myself for it.

8. A better relationship with Mike. It's not perfect, because I am not perfect! But I feel like we've been more loving, more understanding, more kind with each other lately. I think that some of that has to do with the fact that I am finding peace within me. The truth is when you are kind to yourself, it is easier to be kind to others. I feel a little sad that it has taken me so long to learn this. And feel bad that Mike has had to put up with my crap for so long, but I'm happy to say it's getting better!

9. I have found my power to make choices - not out of guilt - but because I WANT to make them. 

10. And lastly, a deepened understanding of God's love for me!

Wow, I have gained 10 after all!  :D This is a journey I didn't even imagine would be mine for at least 2-3 more years. When I started this blog, and started reading and learning about intuitive eating, I would always just think that I would do that when I had lost the weight. But the Lord had a different plan and I am SO glad and grateful that he has directed me to this. Because now I don't have to wait 2-3 years for this. I get it now! And maybe it has stalled my weight loss. But... I AM okay with that, because really I have gained so much more. And I know that as I continue to grow in all those areas I listed, the weight will become less and less important. And then it will just come off anyway, because I won't need it anymore. I think that's the real reason I've been hanging on to it for so many years. Its not because the diets didn't work, or because of my lack of will power. It's because it's been protecting me, hiding me, and was my way of loving me. But... I'm learning that I don't need protecting anymore. And I don't need to love myself that way anymore, because I have found a better way to love. And it feels so right!