Week 1 - Step 1: Reject the Diet Mentality

* I would like to start this post off with a blanket statement. I get that this type of living is not for everyone. If you are reading this and you have no interest in intuitive eating, or giving up dieting, that's okay. Please understand - I'm not asking you to! I'm not really even asking you to get it. I'm just asking that you lovingly support me in the way I have chosen to live, just as I will lovingly support you. If it is not for you, I invite you to read anyway. Take what you can from it for what you are doing in your own eating world, and leave the rest for someone else. Thank you! *

Welcome to my first post of my 10 Weeks of Intuitive Eating. I am currently ending week 1. I had actually thought I was working on Step 2: Honor your hunger, but as think over the week and how it went, I really was working on Step 1: Reject the Diet Mentality. I'll get into more of that in a second. So each week I will read the chapter and focus my efforts on living and learning that skill. At the end of the week I will post about my experience. Should you be interested in joining me, I am following the steps from Intuitive Eating.

Want to know what I learned this week? 

1. I'm a fake. Or flake. Maybe both.

I promised myself and my readers I was going to do the shred daily, and run on Saturdays. I remember it, you may remember it, and it's in a post, so there is proof. I promised I would do it. Guess how many times I did the shred? Go ahead, take a stab at it! If you guessed a big fat 0, then you would be correct! I did run last Saturday, and a short one on Tuesday. But did I run yesterday? Nope! Plum forgot! I had the time too! I could have! Duh! I'm a little peeved at myself, if you can't tell. 

**I finished writing this post and am coming back to proof. After writing the whole post, I'm not mad at myself anymore. I just recognize that I wasn't ready. I pushed myself because I was feeling the pressure to do something that would help me lose weight. And while I tied it up in a pretty package about being about energy and all that it wasn't really. It was about me being scared that I'm gaining weight and turning back to an old mentality. It was about me not trusting myself or the direction the Lord has given me. Although I do sometimes do things that make me a hypocrite, I do not believe I am a fake. And although I definitely could be more responsible, I do not think I am a flake. That statement was said in frustration of not really understanding myself. That my friends is the power of posting. I love it when I just let my fingers go and then I learn something about myself in the process! Do you do that?

2. I thought I had given up the diet mentality, I hadn't.

So this week was a real struggle! Not only on the exercise front, but the eating. I did try and honor my hunger, but more often than not I chose to just EAT! I actually feel like I am getting pretty good at recognizing my hunger and eating when I do. The problem is more recognizing when my hunger is gone and when it's time to stop. Today as I've been looking back over the week and thinking about it, I think that I was using "Intuitive Eating" as an excuse to EAT EAT EAT! There were times when I was out to eat, and something looked tasty, but I rejected that idea because it was a "diet" food. I don't diet anymore! But then as I've thought about that, I thought duh Sam! You weren't thinking of that option because it was a diet food, you were thinking it looked good! Your body wanted it, which means it was a good choice! Instead I chose something that was not as healthy, and it was not as satisfying! While that's frustrating, it's also encouraging to know that foods that would be better for me nutritiously are starting to be appealing again, and my body is slowly weaning (and I do mean SLOWLY) itself off of the play food.

As I look back over the week, I had a lot more times when I was standing in front of the mirror or in the shower, or when I would catch my reflection in a mirror and I would think "I'm getting fat again. I can't let that happen!". I found myself being a little rude to myself again, judging myself again and not stopping it when it happened. I found myself fantasizing about Weight Watchers a little. I thought I was past all this, but I think it's probably not something I just "get past" it's probably more something that you just continue to commit to over and over and over and over until yes, someday it becomes habit. So I was going to skip this step in my focusing on them, but turns out, I needed it! I needed to recommit myself, and to feel that this IS the path I want. I do NOT want to diet again. I do NOT want to go backwards. I want to move forward with what I feel will work for me. 

3. I still care way too much about what others have to say.

I check my blog so many times a day to see if I have comments! It's really quite ridiculous! And then if I get one that I feel the person commenting misunderstood what I was trying to say, I dwell and dwell on it. Sometimes I think of e-mails or conversations I would have with that person to explain myself. Sometimes when this happens, I think I should just not post. Or turn off commenting all together. Or maybe I should moderate my comments - but even if I did and I got a comment I didn't like - I'd probably still post it, because deep down, I'm a people pleaser. I want to please others. I want others to like me. 

This happened this week, and as I was dwelling on it for the umpteenth time, I thought, "You know Sam, maybe there is a deeper issue here". Why is it that you give so much power to what others say about you? Or to you? Obviously, by posting on an open blog on the internet for all the world to see, you have to have tough skin. Truth is, I don't have it. I play like I do sometimes, but I don't. I'm feel vulnerable and sensitive, scared and insecure. But I do want to get to the point where it does bother me so bad. Where others can share their thoughts or opinions and rather than feeling like it's a criticism or a personal attack (even when most the time, it's probably not! I just see that way with the stories I tell in my head) I can just see it for what it is. I don't have the answer yet. But at least I'm aware of the problem and will be looking for answers. Validate me here by telling me I'm not the only one who struggles with this! ;)

4. Even with all the struggling, flaking, and all that - I'm not giving up. 

I will continue to put this way of living to practice in my life. I don't think I'm ready for the shred. I thought I was, but... obviously there is some hesitancy there and I am not going to force myself to do it for the sake of losing weight. If the desire were there, I would have done it. But, it isn't. As for the 10k? I'm going in with no plan! I'm just going to wing it! I'm just going to do what I can before the 4th, and do my best at the race. Mike has possibly broken his foot, so he will not be running (But he and Willow will be there to cheer us on!), but Liana will. And I have another friend that will be joining us as well! I'm looking forward to it and it will be an awesome way to close out this most amazing year! 

I am not going back to dieting. I'm not. Even though I did think about it and consider it. And yes, I would like it if my clothes fit better and the scale gave me a smaller number. However, even more than that I want FREEDOM! I want PEACE! I want to be the one in control, and not the food. So for me, I committing myself to this plan another day, another week. This week, I will focus on Step 2: Honor your hunger, while remembering that I no longer need that dieting mentality. I'm safe without it!