Sunday, May 10, 2015

You are a Mother....

I am not a morning person. But here I sit at 6am while my family sleeps because my heart is so full, I think it may spill over! There are some things I need to say. 

First off I just want to thank my own Mom for everything she does for me! Not only for the growing years and ALLLLLL that entails. But especially over the last two years and nine months. She has been so supportive as I've entered this new world of motherhood myself. She has taught me, she has helped me, and in some instances carried me when I couldn't go on myself. She is a wonderful example to me of service and unconditional love. I love you MORE Mom!!!!! :D

It's amazing how one little holiday can evoke so many different feelings. For some, it's a day of joy, celebration, and love - as it should be!! For others it's a day of missing dearly those who have departed from this world, and wishing for just one more hug. For some it is a day of pain, regret, and guilt for not being more than they think they should be - if only they could see how wonderful they really are. And for some, it's filled with dread, and the deepest hunger I think a person can ever know.

In our house, we have experienced all of these feelings. My husband's Mom passed away four years ago this year. Seems like it was just yesterday. I long for Mike to be able to see her one more time. I long for Emma to run into her arms and call her Grandma! And while I know that we will see her again - and I know that her presence will be felt today, there will still be a few tears shed for her loss while we wait. 

For years, I was in the later group. While I loved the opportunity to celebrate the wonderful and amazing women in my life, it was always a bit tainted. Because it brought into light the burning desire that consumed my thoughts most days - I want to be a mother. I would assume that most women experience this hunger at some point in their life. And hopefully, that hunger is soon satisfied with thoughts of "I'm pregnant" and all that the future holds. But for those who experience infertility issues, those who have to wait, and wonder - it becomes something so different. It becomes a consuming hunger. Something so deep and so painful that it is hard to describe or imagine. And on Mother's day it was so glaringly obvious - that I wasn't a mother. 

I always hated going to church on Mother's day - and didn't for several years. I hated the moment that they had all the mothers stand up and be recognized. I hated how those around me would encouraged me to stand up too. Please don't misunderstand, it's not that I felt any ill feeling toward those Mother's - or even that I didn't want to see them recognized! They should be recognized! They are teaching, loving, and raising our next generation. They are healers, cooks, house cleaners, boo-boo kissers, tickle monsters, confidants, chauffeurs, and so so much more. They shouldn't just stand - we should also clap and cheer for them too! No, it's not that I didn't want to see them recognized, it's that I wanted so desperately to join them as a mother, and when I would stand up, all I felt like was a fraud. Pretending to be and to have something, I'm not. 

To those women who were able to become a mommy without too much struggle, I am so delighted for you! Seriously, I would never in a million years want to see anyone not be able to bear a child if they wanted to. And I never have begrudged those that did. I celebrated with many of my friends having their children, and I have been excited for them! I have prayed for them! And I have watched and learned from them! They were and still are my heroes. Thank you for all you do!!

Fast forward 6 1/2 years and here comes the BIGGEST miracle (and surprise) of my life! We are pregnant! We don't know how it happened! It probably shouldn't have, but it did. I know that Emma is a direct gift from God. I won't go into all the details (you can read about it here if you really want to know), but suffice it to say - we were shocked!! And of course completely - knocked off our axis - with joy!

But here is the funny thing, when Mother's day came rolling around while I was pregnant - I still didn't look forward too it. I still didn't look forward to the day that was meant to celebrate my motherhood. Part of it was just the years of painful memories and tears. Part of it was that I was already starting to feel some of that guilt that mothers sometimes feel when their not, you know, perfect. And honestly, I also felt some guilt knowing that I was going to have a baby when there were still people that I knew and loved who were still struggling.

So here we are, it's my 3rd Mother's day as a mother. Last year was a bit better, and finally this year I can say that I'm not dreading the day. Finally I can say that I'm excited about being celebrated, and standing up with the other Mother's. But must admit that I still feel some sorrow today. I have still shed some tears today, but not for myself, but for the other women I know that are out there still feeling that same dread that I felt for so long. And really, it's to them that I want to say: You are a Mother!

Here's the thing that I didn't know back then. And it's taken me a while to understand it. The moment you start loving your child, in my personal opinion, that's the moment you become a mother. And what I didn't realize, was that for 6 1/2 years - I was loving my child! I was fighting for her. I was hoping for her. I was praying for her. Sure - I didn't know her name and I didn't know she would be a she. :) But looking back, I did love her! I wanted her to have an amazing life. I wanted to give her all the things she would need, to become anything she wanted to be. And I was trying to live in a way that I would be ready to help her do that. And all of that is what being a mom, mommy, and mother - is all about! 

So for those of you who are out there still feeling the ache of something missing in your arms - know that it's that ache that makes you a mother right now. I know that doesn't take all the hurt away, of course it doesn't. But it means when you have the opportunity - you stand up proud with those other mothers. Let others celebrate you and the HARD HARD work you are doing! And most of all - that you never give up on that fight - because it is a good one and believe me when I say it is worth all the pain, tears, and money!

I'm ready to stand today and be celebrated - and I hope you do too, whatever your circumstance may be!!! Please know that I celebrate you, who you are, and what you fight for. Whether that means you are are holding your child in your arms or in your heart (for now). 

Happy Mother's day to all of you
beautiful mothers out there!!!

1 comment:

Jen said...

I loved everything about this post! I am SO happy that you were able to enjoy Mother's Day this year! I love how you talked about already being a mother because we already love our future children so much, this is exactly what I needed to hear. Thank you!