So did you know that since I started the intuitive eating, I've binged almost every single day. I didn't yesterday for the first time since I stopped being on a diet. I didn't today either. Although I did overeat tonight, it was not a full out binge. And yesterday was the first day I wanted to eat real food, not just because I was panicky and feeling like I'm gaining, but because it's what I was craving! Yeah! I don't think that I've gained any weight actually, but I do feel flabbier. I haven't been working out as hard core, and I am going to make that more of a priority. It just makes me feel good about myself, I love to do it, and it will help my heart be healthy. And yes, it will help me lose weight, but I am trying not to do it just because of that.
So the binging thing... they say that's actually pretty normal for people who are just starting to really listen to their body. After so many years of restricting yourself, of course when you don't have to anymore it goes a little haywire. Geneen Roth said she ate cookie dough for two weeks straight. But you know, I have just kept trying to be in tune with my feelings when it happens. And when I could stop myself enough to feel those feelings it was good. And when I wasn't able to... well... I'm not going to judge that and call it bad. I think that there is good and bad in this world. There are good and bad foods. There are good choices and bad choices. But if I choose to eat a "bad" food, does that mean I should judge myself, call myself all sorts of awful names, and feel horrible about myself? No. I'm done with that. Well... I'm working on being done with that.
So today was my first day of my new job. Whew. I went from doing something I felt confident in, something I knew what I was doing and did it well to something that I have NO clue about! They keep telling me I'll get it and to just be patient (which I am SOOO good at! haha). Today I had to ask some really basic questions about techie stuff, and truth be told, I felt stupid. I'm in training with 4 very tech savy guys, and I felt like I was wasting their time. It brought up a lot of feelings from past experiences from people who have
made me feel stupid who I let treat me as stupid, and allowed myself to feel stupid. That was a really rough time in my life, and I felt just a tiny bit of that today. Luckily, I have an awesome trainer, so I didn't feel like he was being impatient, and really, neither were the guys. I think it's just my own insecurity about it all. So, after dinner, I had a little too much ice cream. Thankfully, I recognized what was going on. So I stopped, and went for a little jog/walk. That allowed me some thinking time. I felt the feelings and I'm still here. :D I recognized that I am no longer the same person that I was back when this was such an issue. And truthfully, I am not stupid. I may be a little ditsy sometimes, and sometimes I use that as a protection mechanism. But I am not stupid. And it is no longer okay for myself or for anyone else to treat me as such. I will go in tomorrow with much more confidence and be ready to really learn. So if you think I'm stupid, I don't care, keep it to yourself. (That isn't aimed at anyone - maybe those in my past who I've needed to say that to for a really long time!)
A couple of posts ago I poised a question about which comes first Peace and Freedom or Weight Loss. I received lots of great comments, and for that I thank you. I think that every person has to decide on this for themselves. This is a very personal and individual question, and I hope you take time to ponder it. I've thought a lot on the topic and this is what I've decided is true for myself. It's both. Several people said this and I have to agree. When I think back to where I was when this year started, it would have been really hard for me to just up and find peace and happiness. Because I was so unhappy with myself, my body, my life, - there was no way for me to find peace in that. Had I been ready to accept myself as I was, and to follow God, then yes, I could have found peace and happiness without losing weight. But... I wasn't ready. I needed to get to a place where I was okay with myself to a higher degree. I am now ready to accept myself for who I am. I now see much value in what I have to offer and in being myself. And truthfully that didn't come from "losing weight". That came from accomplishing all the steps that it took to lose 40lbs. I've had a lot of wins this year. I've conquered some serious fears, insecurities, doubts, and mountains. As I sit here considering this, I realize that if I weren't to lose any more weight, and were to live my life out just as I am right now - I would be, can be, and am happy. That's a big realization. I no longer need that weight loss to be happy, to be me. That doesn't mean I'll stop trying to better myself, to keep pushing myself in the exercise arena, to continue working through my emotional issues. And that doesn't mean that I don't want to lose any more weight. I do. It just means that... I am enough. And that is really liberating to see that. To feel it, and to know that it's true. For the first time in so long, I truly believe in myself!
One of the things I decided at the beginning of this year, is that not only will it be about weight loss, but about really getting in tune with the Spirit and coming closer to my Heavenly Father. In some ways, I really turned my life over to Him. I've tried to listen more, to pray more, to read my scriptures more - the basics. What I've learned is that it really is the basics that matter. I have no doubt that this new confidence, this new acceptance, this new love, comes from knowing my divine nature. That I am a daughter of God, that he loves me, and wants to see me succeed. So much that he has given me strength to climb these mountains and in some cases, carried me. We have so many things in this world pulling us in every direction, and really trying to pull us down. But when I try to look at myself, and others, the way I think that Heavenly Father would, things instantly seem better.
For those of you who have been following me, you know that I have had my fair share of struggles. And I fully expect that I will continue to struggle. But in this moment... life is good. I feel good. I am happy, and I see myself clearly tonight. I hope that as you've read this, you've gotten a glimpse of that in yourself. That you see your own divine nature, your own goodness. Feel it, be with it, accept it, and glory in it! Believe In Yourself!