For yourself!

On biggest looser this week, besides all the dumb drama, Cassandra had a real moment with Bob. She read him some of her thoughts from a journal in 2008 about herself and her fat. Personally, I could relate to all of it. It's so painful to not fit inside your own skin. To hate your own skin. To detest the person you've become. I don't feel as strongly about it as I used to - I think I've come a long way in accepting myself. I could totally relate to how difficult it was for her though, when he asked what she would say to herself now. After having had a behavior, attitude, and belief for so long - it's hard to open up and say good things to yourself.

Recently Mike, his sister, Miriam, and I were doing a photo shoot. I was chatting about how my brother wants to do a photo shoot with Mike and myself. And I was saying... "Maybe he'll wait until later this year when this and that has changed". Meaning... when I've lost weight.  Miriam said, "Maybe you should accept yourself for who you are". I'll be honest, my first instinct was to stick my tongue out at her and tell her she was wrong. But in truth - she is right. Since then I have thought about that conversation a lot! I think a part of the addiction to food - is the addiction to the someday mentality. Hoping and wishing that some day I'll be thin. Someday I'll get to wear what I like. Some day I'll be worth something. Someday I'll get pregnant. Someday I'll like myself - when I fit inside a pretty wrapped up box. Focusing on Someday is just another way for us to give away our power. To keep what we really want, at arms length. But the truth is we probably will never get to that someday if we don't get to some kind of acceptance of who we are now. As I said, I've come a long way in that department, but maybe that's where I'm really stuck. Thanks Miriam for being honest with me!

The other thing I took away from Biggest Loser this week was about getting healthy for yourself - I mean really for yourself. One of the moms (I don't know her name) was talking about how easy it is to focus on everyone else. Much easier then focusing on yourself. And that really hit me. For me this one is two sided. On the one hand, when I think of losing weight, I do think about what that would mean for Mike. I think about what that would mean for future children - and even the capability of getting them here. I focus on that a lot - especially the "I have to do this or I'll never get pregnant" part. And maybe there is truth to that - I don't know. But the question is more about what is that doing to my own self esteem. How is that really helping any of us, for me to be putting all the pressure on myself to "make" a baby, and to "make" Mike happy (especially when I think he is probably already happy with me). And at the same time putting pressure on them - and not taking any of the responsibility for the fact that maybe I just need to get healthy for me. I mean to be real - I don't want diabetes. I don't want heart disease.  I want to live! I want to be a mom and to walk by Mike's side for a very long time! Taking time out for yourself is not selfish, but sometimes it feels that way. That's the other side of this - reconciling doing something good for yourself vs. being selfish.

I realized last night that if this is ever going to happen - I mean for real, complete change of life and heart, happen - I'm going to have to take everyone else out of the equation. I have to choose to get healthy for myself. For my very own benefit, and decide that it is not selfish. Health is a gift I can give myself. And the great part about it is that when I finally accept that gift - along with the cherishing of self - an automatic benefit would be to Mike and our future family. They would get to enjoy it along with me no matter what! But if I keep pinning it on them, giving away my power, and my accountability - then none of us will ever get there.

Sam