Wednesday, April 6, 2011

Ripping Off the Scab

I had a really awesome weekend last weekend. It was General Conference for our church. This is when we get to hear from the leaders of our church. There are four session, each 2 hours. I know that seems like a lot - but it goes by so fast! Luckily they print all the speeches in the Ensign so we can read and study them. I got a few answers I've been looking for.

I also had a couple of tough conversations with some loving family members. This was not what I was really expecting to come from the weekend - but I'm so glad that it happened. To respect them, I am not going to give names, but, you know who you are. Thank you! Thank you for your honesty, your love, and support. I love you! 

I've come to realize that learning about ones self is kind of like picking a scab. I know this is gross, but bear with me. When you have a wound that you didn't really take care of properly, and it has a ugly big scab over it, and it's all itchy, don't you just want to take that scab off. I do! At first, you just pick at it here and there, itch it a little. But soon, you have one end of it up a little. And although you know it's going to hurt, you soon realize that it's going to drive you crazy unless you just rip it off. And once you do, that wound is now exposed. Vulnerable. Maybe even bleeding. You can choose to ignore it, deal with the blood quickly, and let it scab over again. Or, you can give it some proper care and allow it to heal in a way that is less painful and will not leave such a scar. I think this is a lot like self reflection, or like learning about ourselves. Sometimes there are things that we know are there, just under the surface. And a lot of the times, we've built this shell to protect it, and ourselves from it. But because we know it's there, we pick at it, until finally one day either by choice, or because someone does it for us, that shell gets ripped off. And we are vulnerable and exposed. Here in lies the choice though. We can choose to ignore it, handle only the absolutely necessary part of it, let it get infected again, and finally be covered up. Or we can choose to nurture our wounded self. Deal with the feelings, and help it to be an actual healing process. 

I am going through this process. It isn't pretty. It's painful, and ugly and hard. And I know that my blog has not really been very fun to read as of late, and I'm sorry. But I have to take this time to really deal with this stuff and to heal. I know that most of my readers are weight loss bloggers. And you probably want to read about others doing what you are doing. And here I am saying I don't have any goals, I'm not dieting, and that you should except yourself where you are. I guess what I'm saying is, there will some day be outdoor adventures, and new discoveries again, there will be goals and dreams again. But right now I am making discoveries about my heart, soul, and mind. Like I said, it isn't pretty, but it's real. And if you think you can lose your weight without dealing with this stuff too - your kidding yourself. I'm not saying you have to do it the way I am by any means - but hopefully you can identify with what I'm going through - and it will help you on your journey too!

I learned some lessons and things about myself this weekend. Some from the conference and spirit I felt while watching it, some from the conversations I mentioned, and some from personal reflection. I wanted to document them, so I'd remember. Here we go - ripping off the shell:
I am crazy. But here is the kicker - most women are because of hormones. Let's face it, my hormones are off kilter. This is why I am so up and down. This is why I don't have periods. I personally think, this is what is holding my body back from getting pregnant on it's own right now. Today my blood sugar dropped so fast and low at the grocery store, it was scary! If I hadn't of had my cart, I'd probably not have been able to walk. Between these two things, my hormones and blood sugar, I think it's time I go to the Dr and find out what my options are. I need to know what is going on, and I am ready to start getting things in balance. While I'm not happy about the idea of taking drugs, Mike and I have discussed it, and we feel it's the right thing to do. Hopefully it will be a temporary thing and as I lose weight again, my body will balance out, and I'll be able to stop taking them.

I enable Mike, and he enables me. We use each other as an excuse to not do things. We've discussed this, and are going to work on not giving in. Giving in to spending money we don't have, and eating excessively. To call each other out on it, and to not get mad when the other does call us out. I know, this will be tricky, but I think it's a good step for us. 

I don't want to have a baby, right now. This one is really a tough one, and it breaks my heart to even see it, but it's true. And I need to let that be okay for now. I've been tying my body size to my inability to have children. Which is partially true - at least if what the doctors are telling me is true. But at the same time, as was recently pointed out to me, they have drugs I could take. I could probably get pregnant (hopefully) rather quickly. And up til now, we have not pursued those options. Kind of strange for a couple who claims they want a baby so bad? I think what it comes down to is, we're not ready. Part of my fear is people will judge us for this decision, but I guess that's okay. We are not saying we don't want to have kids, just not at this moment. I personally need to be free of the pressure for a while that I have been putting on myself. The pressure that was causing so much guilt and anxiety surrounding babies and my weight. I will have children, one way or another - when the time is right. And because we are taking this time - and being given this time as the case may be - we will be awesome parents (if I do say so myself)!

**Update 4/7/11** I wrote this post late last night, and when I finished and went to bed, it was with a heavy heart. Which is weird, because usually a post like this leaves me feeling free. I pondered what it was, and I realized it was the statement "I do not want to have a baby" from the previous paragraph. I do want to have a baby. I do want to be a mother. I think by saying I don't, I'm not really being true to myself, or to Mike. But at the same time, I do recognize that there are things holding me back. All this time I've been blaming the holdup on my body. I guess now I am just acknowledging that part of the hold up is me. I'm not ready - even though I really want it. This feels more true, and now I feel free. :) 

It is very important for me to keep the kitchen clean. It seems in every home, there is the hub. The room that everything seems to revolve around. For us as a family, I would say that room is actually the living room. This is where we spend most of our time. However, for me as an individual, it's the kitchen. The kitchen and my mood seem to be joined at the hip. If the kitchen is messy, if there are dishes to be done and trash all over (yes this happens, because I am not a great house keeper), I am more likely to be grumpy. I am less likely to want to do anything productive - at all. And the VERY last thing I want to do is cook. There have been many a night we ate out, because I couldn't bear to enter the kitchen. Thus putting a burden on our bank account - and my love handles, and my sweet husband. But... when the kitchen is clean, I am much more productive. I want to eat healthy and cook. I want to exercise. I am in a happy mood and enjoy being home. As such, I am working really hard to do the dishes every day. A novel idea - I know. I have done it every day this week - and it actually hasn't been too bad. I've actually enjoyed it! Who would have thought! 

Lastly, I don't have to lose weight. But if I want to, I need to do it for myself. As I mentioned, I have been tying my weight to having children. I have also been wanting to do it for Mike. I have also wanted to do it for my parents. And in some ways, I've wanted to do it for my blog and my readers. All these wants are not really bad - but they are hindering me. In trying to make the whole thing an unselfish act that I am doing for someone else - I've turned it into a way to receive approval, acceptance, and love. But I don't need their/your approval and love because I'm thin. They (and hopefully you) already love me for who I am - right now! It's me that doesn't love me right now. It's me that does not accept and approve of who I am. And maybe that's the problem. Maybe that's the whole crux of it. One, that sometimes you do have to accept yourself as you are - before you can really move on. And two, that the changing of oneself needs to come from a place of love and acceptance by one's self to truly be life altering. Not sure this line of thinking is coming out clearly. Hopefully you get what I mean. 

I've ripped off some scabs recently, faced some the things underneath. And I feel better. With each one of those things I've dealt with, I've found a little love, and acceptance. It's going to take some more time. Take some more searching. But I do think I can learn to believe in myself again. I believe I'll get to that point where I can truly say that I love being me. Love being in my skin. And love my body.

Last year, things were good. And I dealt with some stuff, but I avoided a lot. I see now, I did not really dig in. I guess maybe I didn't see a need to, because things were so good. Why dredge up the yucky stuff. But now I see it was all there. And while I did learn those very valuable lessons that I learned, for them to be truly lasting - I have to deal with the yucky stuff.  I guess that's my point I want to leave you with. If things are good for you right now - use that as a time to go in and heal some old wounds. Because it is much easier to do it when times are good, because you have a better perspective and outlook. Your less likely to get sucked into the stories that the yucky stuff tries to feed you. Because if you don't they just creep back in a get you. 

Fool me a 100 times (that's how many times it seems I've been sucked in), shame on you (bad things), fool me 101 times, shame on me. Time to take the reins, and rip off the scab....

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8 comments:

Ashlylin said...

Beautiful! Thank you for the window into your heart :) I agree with you. I do have goals about weight loss but, most importantly, my goal is to love and accept myself. In order, to do that we do have to dig deeper and become empowered to be the person the Lord has designed us to be. I pray the doctor is able to help you and that he is genuinely understanding of your beliefs about medicine. I mean that he doesn't just want to write a prescription but strives to make the best decision for you based on your beliefs, needs, and what is best for you! High five on fixing the problem and actively looking for solutions. It is so easy to feel hopeless and not try or get discouraged if you try and it does not work out. Hold on to your beautiful insight and self awareness and you will soar!

FrogiNater said...

As someone who has taken loads of meds, been poked to near death (so I thought) tested, humiliated, dye shot through, etc, etc.. It's a HUGE decision to make to go through that. It is draining, hard on a marriage, even a great one, and does things to your body/moods that are awful. Or were to me. I'm now in the "no baby now," part of life. I need to lose the 70 pounds I put on during 5 years of baby making drugs, get my PCOS in control.

Don't think that because you aren't wanting drugs that it means you don't want a baby badly. Drugs (and all that goes with it) is a HUGE, huge, huge, decision. HUGE. Once we started, we didn't know what to really expect. Now we do, and I wish we'd been more prepared back then.

:)

Razzle Dazzle Berry said...

because we have been friends most of our lives....

don't cover your pain of not yet having a baby by saying you don't want one. You and Mike will be great parents. You are NEVER completley ready to be parents. Every child is so different and in my case the second has been harder then the first emotionally. I just hope that when the time comes that you think you are finally ready, you have lost your chance. My second has taught me more about life and how precious it truly is then anything else in my life so far. Good luck making some of the most important decisions in your current life and may the love of God and the Holy Ghost guide you as you do. We all need to head those promptings :)

*hugs*

ladyofthehouse said...

First - thank you so much for the encouraging words you left on my blog!!!!
I think you're so right to dig deep and make sure things are healed before trying to move on.
I will be praying for your journey, for good healthy, and for the Lord to give you peace until the time He deems fit for you to have a baby. :) diane

Natalia said...

Oh boy can I relate to everything you said, but especially the part about the kitchen! I have been trying real hard to keep mine clean and I tell you it makes such a difference in me! and my moods!

Hugs!

Joy said...

Very powerful post Sam. You have amazing insight!

After I read your posts, I just want to give you a hug! You are really going through it. What I love about you, is that, you are not a quiter. You keep pushing through the tough stuff ~ no matter what. You are not going to stop! You want to be well on the inside as well as the outside. You are willing to do what you have to do to make that happen. All of this will help you become the woman that you want to be. You are amazing!!

Sending hugs your way!

Angela McKay, Stampin' Up Demonstrator said...

I am so proud of you Sam... your ability to reflect on yourself is amazing... a major strength that not many have! I'm always thinking of you... love and hugs!
Ange

A Journey to a new me... said...

Hey there!! Sorry I didn't stop by sooner! Been busy...

LOoks like you've done some wonderful soul searching....and I almost defend and got offended when you said "I am crazy. But here is the kicker - most women are because of hormones"..You're right...I'm a bit crazy myself at least a week out of the month! Heck, sometimes I can't even stand being in the same room with myself!

Loved reading your post..take care!