Monday, October 7, 2013

Done waiting

Wow - look at me about to blog about something besides Emma. Haha, it's been a while! I just love that girl so much, she has enveloped my whole life, and I LOVE IT! I am starting to get the hang of things and ready to start adding a few things back into my very full life! :) And of course, one of those things is working on my health. 

I am at my highest weight ever! Well - I guess I was about 10lbs more at the end of pregnancy, but I'm not really counting that. When I had Emma, within a couple weeks I got down to about 10lb away from my per-pregnancy weight, which was 243. I'm back up to about 263.

The funny thing is that my feelings about my body have really changed a lot! Although I am still frustrated some days about being so overweight and not having any clothes to fit, I'm not... angry. I'm not despising myself, or my body. Since I graduated 8th grade, I knew that getting pregnant was going to be a challenge. And I think the longer it took, the harder I was on it. The more I despised it (and essentially myself) for not being able to get pregnant. And then in turn even more abuse was given for not being able to lose the weight. 

But now, I know. I know what my body is capable of. And truthfully, I know what I'm capable of. I never did get to posting why we chose to go for a natural birth. While it was definitely not the only reason, I did want to prove something to myself. 

I. Can. Do. Hard. Things!!!!

Giving birth to Emma was probably the most challenging thing I've ever done. It was exhausting - emotionally, spiritually, and physically. But I did it. With a whole LOT of help from God, Mike, our Doula, the hospital staff, and my family, but I did it. And now on the other side of it, I have learned that I have an amazing body! It may not be in the health that I want. It may not be in the shape (although it is a shape :D) that I want, but I LOVE my body. I am grateful to be a woman and to God for giving us this amazing opportunity to bring life to Earth. 

For so long now, probably 17 years or so, I've been working on losing weight. And for a lot of that time, I've been "Waiting" for that magic moment. You know what I mean? The moment where everything clicks. Where the Hollywood music plays in the background while I exercise for hours a day and eat carrot sticks. Haha. I've recently come to the conclusion that no such moment is coming. What I need to do is just get moving. Start changing habits. And when I fall down, because I will, instead of then letting myself give up, I just need to pick myself up and keep going.

"Shall I falter, or shall I finish" ~ Thomas S. Monson

Tomorrow I begin the fight again, and I'm okay with that. I'm not discouraged that it's a battle I've been fighting for so long. Because I have learned a lot along the way about myself, my own worth, and the worth of others. And this time, I will not falter. I will make mistakes, because I'm human. I'm not after perfection, I am after progress. I am after health, energy, and life. I am after enjoying food for it's purpose - nutrition. I am after emotional health and being okay in feeling my feelings, instead of eating them. I am after the ability to teach my daughter (and other future children, should we be so blessed) to have a natural relationship with food, by example. To understand it's purpose, but not to live for it.

Ready, set, GO!

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